SMW 83

“Grandma. Do you know which novel is popular among kids these days?”

Grandma’s hands, which had been tapping away at the laptop keyboard, stopped. She looked back at me and asked nonchalantly.

“I wouldn’t know. Why the sudden interest?”

“It’s nothing much, I just want to know a certain title.”

Grandma chuckled.

“How strange. You’re actually curious about what kids are into these days.”

“I’m a kid these days too.”

“You’re a kid who’d be perfect if you just added ‘old’ to the end of that. Even your mother wasn’t like this; I don’t know who you take after to be so detached from everything.”

“Who else? I take after the grandma who raised me.”

Finding those words not entirely unpleasant, Grandma let out another laugh and asked while staring back at the laptop screen.

“What’s the content?”

“The content?”

“You might not know the title, but you must know the content. Isn’t that why you’ve become curious about the title?”

“I don’t know the content either. I just saw someone reading it with a lot of interest, so I got curious.”

Grandma paused and looked back at me again. This time, she even took off her glasses, looking slightly surprised.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Just… it’s rare for you, Seol, to take an interest in someone.”

“I said I wanted to know the book title, not that I was curious about the person.”

“It’s the same thing. Usually, people don’t get interested in a book they know nothing about—neither title nor content—just because someone is reading it. You become curious because a specific someone was reading it.”

I felt like she had hit the nail right on the head. Flustered by this, I found myself speechless, and her gaze became burdensome.

“So, who is it? A girl in your class?”

It seemed she had jumped to a useless conclusion. Feeling the need to quickly clear up the misunderstanding of my grandma—who, despite being a researcher, possessed a surprising amount of literary sensibility—I answered simply.

“It’s a boy.”

“A boy? Oh my!”

For some reason, she looked even more surprised than before. As I looked on in confusion, she uttered something even more cryptic.

“Well, it doesn’t matter either way, but I had no idea my grandson was into that.”

“What does that…”

“What’s he like? Is he cute?”

Cute? Before I could even refute it, Han Yeo-reum’s image inadvertently flashed through my mind.

His height was around the average for boys his age, but perhaps because of his face and shoulders, he looked small overall.

Still, that didn’t make him “cute.” After all, he was a high school boy. Yet, the memory of his face smiling brightly at school suddenly surfaced, leaving me inwardly flustered. Consequently, my reaction came out a bit more aggressively.

“He’s not cute at all. In the first place, what’s there to be cute about in a boy our age? And don’t misunderstand. I’m not gay.”

I wasn’t a fool; I had a vague inkling of what Grandma was implying. Sure enough, Grandma looked delighted, as if she found my reaction quite amusing.

“You can’t know that for sure. You’ve never dated anyone yet.”

“That doesn’t mean I dislike girls.”

“It’s not a matter of liking or disliking. Honestly, gender is meaningless when it comes to where the heart leads. In life, there are times when you just come to like a person for who they are. Furthermore, when it’s not just a simple liking, but when you begin to want and crave something more from the other person, we call that love.”

I didn’t get it. My head could understand what Grandma was saying, but my heart couldn’t accept it at all.

Rather, the moment I heard the word ‘love,’ my insides felt cold, as if a handful of ice had been dropped in. They said what Mother and that man did was love. Because of that, love was no longer something beautiful to my young self.

“Grandma. I just wanted to know the book title.”

Because the topic had suddenly veered off course, I felt more exhausted than anything.

“Then why didn’t you just ask him directly? Isn’t it a kid from your class anyway? It’s not like someone was staring intensely at a book in the gym.”

“…”

I was grateful she returned to the original topic after noticing my state, but it actually made it harder to speak.

As I fell silent again, Grandma wore a puzzled expression.

“Is this about someone you met at the gym?”

“No. He is in my class, but… wouldn’t it be a bit random?”

“Random?”

“You know. We’ve never even properly greeted each other, so I think it would be weird to suddenly approach him and ask what the book title is.”

“You’ve never even greeted each other?”

Only then did I realize my mistake, but Grandma’s face had already turned serious.

“You’re not acting all aloof at school again, are you?”

“…I’m getting along well enough.”

“Honestly, this child.”

Maybe it would have been better to be misunderstood as liking boys. Honestly, I was confident I could fool even a ghost, but fooling Grandma was the hardest thing in the world. Just as I was thinking of another excuse before a barrage of nagging started, Grandma let out a sigh.

“Fine. I’m sure you’ll handle it. As long as you don’t go getting into fights somewhere.”

“…”

“Why are you so quiet? Don’t tell me…”

“I was just thinking about the book, so my answer was late. Don’t misunderstand.”

Since I absolutely could not be caught this time, I put on a desperate, deadpan expression.

“The book title? I’m telling you, just ask. If it’s too awkward, use your looks to charm him. You take after me, so people will fall for you just by seeing you smile. Use this as a chance to say hello.”

Fortunately, the lie seemed to work this time, but I couldn’t just let this part slide.

“What ‘charms’ for a boy?”

“You use them if you need them; why does gender matter? Anyway, don’t you like him? The one who wants something is the one who has to act. How do you expect to get what you want without doing that?”

“That’s not what I’m trying to get… No. Forget it.”

I waved my hand and stood up from my seat.

“Where are you going?”

“To work out.”

I felt that if I continued this conversation, I’d end up discovering some identity I didn’t even know I had, let alone the identity of the book. I felt I needed to loosen up my body instead.

“Is that so? Then buy some tteokbokki on your way back.”

I stopped in my tracks and looked back at Grandma with a dissatisfied expression.

“Again?”

“What do you mean ‘again’? It’s already been two days since we had tteokbokki.”

“It’s only been two days.”

“What are you talking about? Tteokbokki should be eaten at least three times a week. It’s already Thursday, and we’ve only had it twice this week, so buy some on your way back.”

“The doctor told you to cut back on stimulating foods. And to limit late-night snacks.”

“I use my brain a lot while working, so I get hungry. And the food at that snack shop isn’t even that stimulating. After she heard my heart wasn’t great, she told me she puts fewer Cheongyang peppers in my portion. That damn grandma.”

A stream flowed just below the neighborhood. If you walked down along the embankment, there was a small, old snack shop run by a grandmother around the same age as my grandma. Grandma, who particularly loved tteokbokki, became a regular after discovering the place. The only saving grace was that the shop didn’t add any chemical seasonings, so the taste was less stimulating than other places. Even so, the pungent taste from the Cheongyang peppers was quite strong, but as Grandma said, the spiciness had decreased recently. It was probably after the owner learned about Grandma’s chronic illness.

“Alright. I’ll buy some on my way back.”

“Oh, and red bean bread too.”

“…”

I really wanted to say something this time, but Grandma had already turned away from me and was looking at the monitor. The screen was filled with numbers and graphs that made my eyes ache just by looking at them. Though she was nearing seventy, her passion for her work was immense. The problem was that her body couldn’t keep up.

“Take it easy.”

“Stop nagging and just get to the gym.”

Even on the day I personally gave Grandma the medical results that man had embezzled, she had skimmed through the papers for a few minutes, set them aside, and immediately immersed herself in work. After that, Grandma’s life didn’t seem to change much on the surface. At least, that’s how it looked to me.

Even if Grandma had come back from the brink of death, if she chose to hide it, there was a high probability I wouldn’t know. If that’s what she wanted, it would likely happen.

Despite knowing exactly what the problem in front of me was, I couldn’t solve anything. All I could do was buy tteokbokki and offer a bit of nagging.

“I’m leaving.”

At seventeen, I was powerless.

Since the neighborhood was built into a carved-out mountain, it took twenty minutes just to walk to the gym. From there, it was another ten minutes to the high school I currently attended. Thanks to exercising consistently since I was young, walking long distances wasn’t tiring, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t tedious.

I glanced at my wristwatch; it was 7:00 PM. The convenience store was right next to the gym, so I could buy the red bean bread on my way out, but until what time did the snack shop stay open? Since the grandmother ran it alone, the closing time fluctuated depending on her condition that day. I figured I should give her a call.

“Hello, ma’am. I’m Bong-hee Grandma’s grandson. What time are you open until today? …Seven-thirty? Ah… then I’ll head over now. Could you pack the tteokbokki in advance? …Yes. I’ll see you in a bit.”

It seemed I would have to buy the tteokbokki first and deliver it home. Even if it cooled down while I worked out, she could just reheat it, but I wanted her to eat it when it was at its tastiest. Since it had come to this, it would be nice to take a leisurely stroll along the stream. The weather was nice, too.

As it transitioned into June, the days had grown longer, so it wasn’t dark yet even though it was past seven. Watching the sky slowly turn the color of the sunset, I headed toward the stream. Descending the stairs installed under the bridge and walking along the water’s edge, I felt a faint, humid warmth amidst the cool air. It seemed summer was about to begin.

Was it because of the name? Naturally, I thought of Han Yeo-reum. He might be grilling meat with his parents at home right now. He mentioned he liked rice. Since he’s Korean, it’s natural to eat rice with side dishes, but it was unique that he ate it that way even when eating meat.

Thinking of him diligently piling meat onto his rice, the [Read on Read BL Novels]corners of my mouth visit our sitecurled up unconsciously. And I immediately wiped the smile away. I was flustered by the fact that I kept falling into these unintended thoughts.

He was just one of the few names and faces I knew in class, and the conversations I’d heard were just a way to kill time because they naturally drifted toward me while I sat in my seat. It was absurd that I was projecting my emotions onto him.

Do I actually have an interest in Han Yeo-reum?

Asking myself didn’t yield a clear answer. Grandma spoke as if it were nothing unusual, but there was no way I could have feelings beyond simple liking for another guy. At least in my seventeen years of life, it had never happened.

The answer seemed to be to just stop caring. Whether Han Yeo-reum put rice on his meat or not, whether he liked winter or not, what book he read—what did any of that have to do with me?