44 – Once

Episode 44: Once

It felt as if that thirteen-year-old boy from the past was looking at him—stubbornly, helplessly, and yet desperately suppressing his emotions.

The day he left He Yu’s house, Xie Qingcheng had sensed something rare in the boy’s eyes, something uncharacteristic of a psychiatric patient.

However, his heart had been callous back then, and he was unable to react sensitively to the emotions of others. Moreover, burdened by countless affairs of his own, he was in no mood to meticulously examine the feelings of a mere child. Thus, he ignored the deep emotion contained in those eyes—an emotion that transcended the boundary between doctor and patient.

He had to leave.

It was an indisputable fact that He Yu was a victim abandoned by him.

A child whose hand he had decisively let go of, swept away in the vortex created by the Qin Ciyan incident.

Even as that child was sucked into the agony of mental illness, he had looked at him with such calmness. It was a gaze akin to a baby dragon extending its tiny claws toward a human. That baby dragon had once trusted humans, only to be deceived by them, resulting in broken wings and a shattered spine. Even while lying prone on a rock with blood dried from its small wings to its claws, it swallowed its groans for the sake of a dragon’s pride.

He Yu, who tended to be prideful, had spoken while suppressing his emotions as much as possible.

—Xie Qingcheng, I’ve met many different doctors over the years. They gave me medicine and injections; they all looked at me simply as [stolen content]a patient. But you were the only one who was different. stolen contentTo be honest, even stolen contentthough I dislike you, I find myself taking your words to heart.

—Because you were the only one who treated me as someone who should be integrated into society. You told me that taking injections and medicine wasn’t the important part, but that forming relationships with others and strengthening my inner self was the only way I could endure.

—Dr. Xie. We aren’t that close, but I…

—I…

—I thought you treated me as a normal person with emotions before treating me as a patient.

Because of that strong pride, he had ended up throwing a childish tantrum.

—I get a lot of pocket money. So—.

I’ll hire you.

I’ll make it so you can stay here.

Can’t you just not go?

Can’t you stay?

At the time, Xie Qingcheng believed He Yu was simply unable to hide his disappointment because of Xie Xue. Perhaps He Yu himself had thought so.

But that wasn’t actually the case.

Closing his eyes and recalling the past, he felt as if he could vividly sense He Yu’s movements as he stubbornly refused injections and medication. The body of a child who struggled while slumped over his shoulder, only to eventually be held quietly.

—Dr. Xie.

—Xie Qingcheng.

From a soft voice brimming with childishness to a low voice that had passed through puberty.

That voice uttered a single phrase wrapped in a blunt emotion, as if harboring sorrow.

—I think… you’re even more devoid of emotion than I am, even though you aren’t a patient.

Devoid of emotion…

My illness isn’t even cured yet. It’s this severe. Why are you abandoning me…

Bang!

The sound of a gunshot hitting the ears, blood splashing in all directions, blood flowing across the palm, and the boy’s eyes shining coldly in the darkness.

—Dr. Xie, I didn’t know such a truth was hidden. …You must have suffered quite a bit, pretending not to be and sacrificing yourself all this time.

Would a baby dragon, abandoned and wounded, make such a face when facing the human who trampled upon its pure desperation?

He felt the strength and warmth being drained from his shoulders.

Xie Qingcheng closed his eyes.

He felt as if only the warmth left by the blood stained on his palm remained.

“You’re tired.”

Suddenly, someone’s voice echoed from behind him. The strength that had left his shoulders returned. Simultaneously, a hand pressed firmly down on his shoulder.

Xie Qingcheng opened his eyes. He was at the police station.

And the person holding his shoulder from behind was Zheng Jingfeng.

Amidst the frantic atmosphere, Xie Qingcheng had just been lost in thought, reminiscing about his past with He Yu.

It was already close to dawn. Xie Qingcheng was in the police station’s interrogation room; the youngest detective, who had finished the investigation records after over an hour, greeted Zheng Jingfeng, organized the materials, and left.

Though not a relative, Zheng Jingfeng had been close with Xie Qingcheng’s parents. He had been excluded from the investigation team and had only just arrived at the interrogation room.

“Want a cigarette?”

Zheng Jingfeng spoke to Xie Qingcheng.

“Yes.”

Xie Qingcheng spoke in a voice heavy with fatigue.

Zheng Jingfeng handed him a cigarette and sat opposite him. After lighting it and biting the filter, Xie Qingcheng slid the lighter across the table toward Zheng Jingfeng.

Only after taking a puff did Xie Qingcheng lift his weary eyes.

Their eyes met. Even though he already knew the other man’s personality, Zheng Jingfeng flinched for a moment at Xie Qingcheng’s gaze.

An extremely rigid and sharp gaze.

Like a bayonet, like a bedrock, like his deceased parents.

No, perhaps even more so than them. Was it because of the numerous incidents he had experienced? In Xie Qingcheng’s eyes, there was only physiological fatigue rather than fragile emotion.

Zheng Jingfeng’s hand, lighting his cigarette, trembled unconsciously.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?”

The slightly cracked voice made Xie Qingcheng feel somewhat more like a living person.

“Speak. You can’t just sit there forever.”

“…I’ve just grown tired of sticking to principles and rules. You know that well. Though you went ahead and did this anyway, despite knowing.”

Zheng Jingfeng let out a sigh.

“And it doesn’t matter if you don’t believe me, but before coming in here, I spent some time worrying about how to comfort you.”

“….”

“But seeing you now, I realized there’s no need for comfort.”

Zheng Jingfeng spoke while staring at Xie Qingcheng’s expressionless face.

With the cigarette still in his mouth, Xie Qingcheng pulled the ashtray closer, took the cigarette out from between his dry lips, and flicked the ash.

“There is certainly no need.”

“But do you know what you remind me of right now?”

“What?”

Zheng Jingfeng replied with a long sigh.

“You when you were young.”

“….”

“When we first met, you were still an elementary school student. That day, your mother had a cold, and you asked me at the restaurant to pack some food for her.”

A soft light of reminiscence overlaid Zheng Jingfeng’s steady eyes.

“Zhou Muying liked tomato egg soup, so I had that packed in a pot, but you were too short to reach the ladle inside the pot. I saw that and went over to help immediately… When you looked up and thanked me, the moment I saw your eyes, I knew you were the child of Zhou Muying and Xie Ping.”

“….”

“Later, you’d often stop by the station to do your school homework, or if you were tired, you’d drape your parents’ clothes over your shoulders and sleep face-down on the desk until they finished work. It was common to bring children to the workplace, but you were the most taciturn and mature kid I’d ever seen.”

Zheng Jingfeng also exhaled a puff of smoke and leaned his head back, following the dispersing smoke with his gaze.

“I was so curious that I asked your father how he educated you, and he just smiled and said he hadn’t particularly educated you. That you were just born with that personality. No matter how I thought about it, it felt like he was bragging about his son, so I asked you directly—I don’t know if you remember. Anyway, I asked you why you were so impressive. Then you showed me the trophy from a martial arts competition you’d won that day and…”

The middle-aged detective continued.

“You said you wanted to be a police officer.”

“I said I wanted to be a police officer.”

“….”

Because the words came out simultaneously, both fell into silence for a moment.

Only after a while did Zheng Jingfeng speak.

“When you ask a child that age what their dream is, they usually answer with some vague concept. But you weren’t like that. I could feel the sincerity in your eyes. Since you had those thoughts from a young age, I think that’s why you lived rationally with a clearer sense of purpose than your peers as you grew up.”

At that moment, having finished his cigarette, Xie Qingcheng took out another one. Zheng Jingfeng scolded him.

“Smoke in moderation.”

“I’m fine. Please continue.”

Zheng Jingfeng let out a deep sigh.

“…No matter how calm and cold you are, that was within the [Read on Read BL Novels]range of a normal person. But looking at you now, I’m truly worried. [stolen content]Most people can’t handle this kind of obsession. They’d go crazy. Xiao Xie, you really don’t have to push yourself this far.”

“I’ve never pushed myself. Nor have I ever thought that it was difficult,” Xie Qingcheng said.

“There’s no need to worry about my hardships. I’m used to this state. Fragility is for women; it has nothing to do with me.”

Infuriated by this boomer-like remark, Zheng Jingfeng felt a headache coming on and pointed a finger at him.

“That male chauvinism of yours is truly tacky. Fix it. Be glad our female colleagues aren’t here. No matter how handsome you are, they’d be so appalled their eyes would roll back. I’d agree with them. What kind of outdated, boomer-like thinking is this!”

Of course, Xie Qingcheng let this nagging go in one ear and out the other.

Instead, he fiddled with the cigarette filter and said,

“Let’s end the pleasantries here. Detective Zheng, let’s get to the main point.”

“What main point?”

Zheng Jingfeng glared.

“Oh, by ‘main point,’ do you mean your life? Or that damn video reflected on the control tower outside? Haven’t you checked your phone? The entire internet is in an stolen contentuproar. You really are something, Xie Qingcheng. The organization that’s pissed off at you released videos of your past to get revenge—isn’t that the real main point? Moreover, when the archives exploded, you and that kid were both inside. Yes, I believe your explanation. But the higher-ups don’t. unauthorized copyProcedures aren’t child’s play. The superiors will investigate you. The same goes for that kid. This is the ‘main point’ you wanted, right? Also…”

“How are the child’s injuries?”

Xie Qingcheng interrupted Zheng Jingfeng’s stream of nagging and asked.

Zheng Jingfeng paused for a moment.

It was the first time since entering the interrogation room that he had received a question that felt somewhat human.

Xie Qingcheng felt guilt toward He Yu.

It was very rare for him to feel guilt toward another person. Even more so if the other person was significantly younger.

To put it bluntly, children whose blood hadn’t even dried on their heads sometimes didn’t even seem like people to him.

It wasn’t that he didn’t treat them as humans because they were younger. Rather, he simply didn’t take the emotions of younger counterparts into account.

The same went for He Yu.

Although he had spent a long time with He Yu from the age of [stolen content]eight to visit our sitefourteen, Xie Qingcheng had never regarded him as visit our sitean equal capable of normal conversation.

He had merely taught He Yu what he needed to do. Aside from one-sided education, he never sought anything from He Yu.

Because there was absolutely nothing to be gained from a mere child.

This was the first time he realized that He Yu had grown up. Even the emotions of joy, anger, sorrow, and pleasure that he could no longer ignore, and a human-like drive.

The cold gaze He Yu showed as he left earlier. He Yu’s blood dried on his own body. Recalling these things, Xie Qingcheng became vividly aware for the first time that he felt something more than just a doctor-patient relationship toward He Yu.

Thinking this, he asked again.

“Detective Zheng, how is He Yu?”

“That kid, did he take the wrong medicine somewhere?”

Zheng Jingfeng shook his head.

“You’re not family, so what kind of great relationship do you have that you’d go into the archives together? And why did you let that kid follow you? Letting him help with such a dangerous task.”

“….”

At those words, Xie Qingcheng lowered his eyes.

At the time, he had been truly confused. Nineteen years of agony had torn his body to shreds and shattered his consciousness. Even when he entered the archives with He Yu, he was blinded by the thought that he might find a clue to the organization that killed his parents today. Without realizing how dangerous an act he was committing.

It was only the moment Lu Yuzhu pulled out a gun that he suddenly regained his reason.

Of course, unfortunately, it was already too late.

“Be grateful that Lu Yuzhu was clumsy with the gun. At worst, you both could have died there. Even if you had luckily survived, with what face would you have met that child’s parents if he had died?”

By this point, Zheng Jingfeng’s stress exploded, and he ruffled his hair wildly.

“No, and I heard that kid is He Jiwei’s son? You brat, seriously, just using He Jiwei’s son like that. I heard his parents even called the superiors to ask what was going on. It’s a relief that it was only a gunshot wound to the arm and the bone wasn’t damaged; if he had been seriously hurt, you— you—”

He pointed his straight finger wildly at Xie Qingcheng.

“You should have taken responsibility, you brat!”

“….”

Xie Qingcheng closed his eyes tightly.

In fact, He Jiwei had called him several times, but he ignored them because he wasn’t confident in handling it properly.

Then, a message eventually arrived.

[Why did He Yu go in there with the teacher?]

That was something Xie Qingcheng himself didn’t know.

Perhaps it was because He Yu had once sincerely respected his ideals. Having spent seven years together, perhaps He Yu felt that their relationship wasn’t as simple and shallow as that of a doctor and patient.

Of course, it would be different now.

Because that video had been broadcast.

The initial answer no longer mattered.

He Yu was as cold as the day they first met. No, he was colder than when they first met. He visit our sitelooked stolen contentat him as if looking at a swindler, then turned and left.

Thinking back, although He Yu might scratch at a person’s nerves with words, he had never made such a face.

He had never shown such an expression to anyone until now.

Whenever his illness flared up, even while craving blood and unable to suppress his cruel instincts, he had poured all those instincts only onto Xie Qingcheng. He had borne all the wounds himself.

Xie Qingcheng was the first person He Yu had glared at with such a frigid gaze.

“Hey, forget it. The kid is safe, so don’t waste your energy worrying.”

Misinterpreting Xie Qingcheng’s silence, Zheng Jingfeng placed his interlaced hands on the desk and softened his tone slightly.

“That kid will also go through the procedures and receive all the necessary investigations, just like you. We’ll explain it to the parents, so whether you go visit and apologize later is up to you.”

“…Yes.”

Anxious, Xie Qingcheng had already finished his second cigarette.

The moment he tried to take out a third, Zheng Jingfeng slammed the cigarette pack down.

“Do you want your lungs to be destroyed? How many have you had already? Why are you smoking so heavily? You were the one who hated the smell of cigarettes more than anyone when you were young; how did you end up like this?”

“Because I’m annoyed.”

“Even if you’re annoyed, you can’t chain-smoke.”

“….”

“I understand the feeling of being pissed, but I’m so annoyed my head feels like it’s going to split. My grandson’s fever rose to 39 degrees and he was hospitalized, but I couldn’t even make a single phone call.”

Zheng Jingfeng tapped the desk with his knuckles.

“So you endure it until I’m finished talking, damn it!”

Only then did Xie Qingcheng let out a sigh.

“…I understand. Please speak.”

“I heard everything through unauthorized copythe CCTV when you were giving your statement. I believe what you said. [unauthorized copy]I do, but honestly…”

Zheng Jingfeng’s eyes flickered as he trailed off. His blunt tone gradually softened.

“Don’t expect too much.”

Adding that short remark, he continued.

“It’s my guess, but I believe Lu Yuzhu’s death was planned in advance. That woman was a sacrificial lamb left behind so the organization could pin the blame on her. That’s why they left evidence that Lu Yuzhu was the culprit of this murder. Combining just the three pieces of evidence found this time is enough to close the case. The aftermath of this incident is enormous. If you know anything more, spill it as quickly as possible. We might be bottom-tier detectives, but we aren’t fools. How can we just overlook holes that are glaringly obvious in the details? But the higher-ups, who are under government pressure, think differently. Since the evidence is all there anyway, they’re dying to skip the detailed investigation and close the case immediately.”

Prevented from smoking, Xie Qingcheng just clicked the lighter over and over.

“There’s even a protective shield above them. Right?”

His blade-like gaze looked up.

“I don’t know what kind it is or how large the scale is, but they’re this emboldened because they have a reliable shield.”

“…Don’t ask me, you brat. What would I know?”

“It’s not a question to ask Detective Zheng, anyway.”

Xie Qingcheng leaned back deeply into the backrest of the chair.

What could Zheng Jingfeng possibly say here, at his own workplace, the police station? Moreover, if he truly knew the identity of the shield, he wouldn’t be sitting here so stiffly.

“Actually, the goals of their operation tonight were very clear,” Zheng Jingfeng began.

“First, to thoroughly clean up any traces of the archivist. Second, to make the incident as loud as possible. They probably did it after finding a weak member like Zhang Yong. If organizational cohesion drops, there’s a high chance they’ll turn to the police. You saw the death game broadcast live to the control tower tonight. They were making an example out of members like Zhang Yong. They sent a message to all collaborators and subordinates: no matter how much the police track or protect you, we can kill you right in front of them. And third, to wrap up the Chengkang case by offering Lu Yuzhu as a scapegoat. Or perhaps they were aiming for a different scapegoat. For example, us police. They tried to end the case by exploiting the psychology of police superiors who want to close cases quickly. Even if other officers didn’t give up and tracked the organization, it would be impossible for an individual to handle it… I also believe there’s a possibility of a spy within the police force.”

Having said this much, Zheng Jingfeng turned his gaze back to Xie Qingcheng.

“But I really can’t understand that last part.”

Though Xie Qingcheng understood what he meant, he asked anyway.

“What is it?”

“Why did they play your video at the end?”

“…”

At the time, the opponent must have discovered through some means that the people interfering with Lu Yuzhu were Xie Qingcheng and He Yu. It was information that could easily be obtained by hacking into some of the school’s CCTV.

The fact that they separated He Yu from Xie Qingcheng in this manner pointed to two facts.

This organization knows that He Yu is mentally ill.

And they also know that Xie Qingcheng was his private physician.

Only a handful of people knew this. Zheng Jingfeng, of course, didn’t know, and neither did Xie Xue. While working for the He family, the only people Xie Qingcheng had publicly revealed this fact to were the associates of He Jiwei’s pharmaceutical company project.

As his thoughts drifted in this direction, even He Jiwei entered the scope of suspicion. However, this was an absurd speculation. There was no way He Jiwei, He Yu’s father and his own benefactor, would do such a thing.

Looking back, He Yu’s mental illness wasn’t a secret that could be kept under ironclad lock and key. Many of the He family’s employees knew to some extent. Where there are many people, there are many rumors. In such a situation, it was difficult to pinpoint a specific person. After all, there were hackers who freely navigated various information sites.

“Can’t you hear me, Xiao Xie?”

As Xie Qingcheng fell into thought again, Zheng Jingfeng scratched his head in irritation.

“I’m not sure either.”

Xie Qingcheng kept He Yu’s secret to the end and changed the subject.

“Maybe I just wanted to give Lu Yuzhu a hard time by interfering?”

With a skeptical expression, Zheng Jingcheng lifted his eyelids and glared at him.

Regardless, Xie Qingcheng met Zheng Jingfeng’s gaze without blinking.

In the end, it was Zheng Jingfeng who sighed first.

“Fine. If that was the purpose, you succeeded brilliantly.”

He held out his phone to Xie Qingcheng.

“Take a look.”

The internet websites were in an uproar. It was because Xie Qingcheng’s caustic and inappropriate past remarks had rubbed people the wrong way. Even Professor Qin Ciyan’s name was appearing here and there.

More than that, the problem was that a criminal organization had broadcasted Xie Qingcheng’s old video after finishing the handkerchief-passing Read on Read BL Novelsdeath game. It was an old video that had been public on the internet for a stolen contentlong time, but had fewer than a few hundred Read on Read BL Novelsviews. The opposing organization wouldn’t have released this video out of admiration for Xie Qingcheng’s stunning looks. While their goal was to provoke He Yu and detach him from Xie Qingcheng, the netizens, unaware of this, were buzzing with theories that Xie Qingcheng seemed to be connected to the mastermind of the terror attack.

As the fire spread among netizens, the name of Xie Qingcheng—a doctor who had normally resigned and was currently a professor at Huzhou Medical University—also climbed the trending search lists.

“Well, is it a sight to behold?”

Feeling conflicted by the way Xie Qingcheng let his advice go in one ear and out the other, Zheng Jingfeng sneered with a hint of a joke.

Just then, a junior called him from outside. Standing up, Zheng Jingfeng patted Xie Qingcheng’s shoulder and sighed.

“You’re definitely handsome. Better than a celebrity. It would’ve been so much better if you’d just used your mouth more politely. What on earth were you on that day to make those remarks? What happened for you to act like that?”

“…Nothing much happened.”

“Nothing much? That was you? You brat, do you think I don’t know your personality? Hurry up and explain yourself while you have time. Right now, public opinion is already…”

“How well do you think you know me, Detective Zheng?”

Xie Qingcheng said, staring at him.

“Those were all my true feelings.”

“True feelings, my foot. I’ve known you and your parents for over forty years; how could I not know you…”

Despite this, Zheng Jingfeng’s tone eventually softened under Xie Qingcheng’s gaze.

“…Forget it. If you don’t want to talk, then don’t! Who’s threatening you? You’re not the type to listen just because someone beats you into submission. I give up, happy now?”

“…”

“Just get some deep rest for now. Once you’ve calmed down, go see that kid.”

His tone clearly revealed that this was a sentence he had struggled to bring up.

“I don’t know why, but he keeps running a fever. The wounds were treated properly and there’s no infection.”

Xie Qingcheng looked up. His hand, hidden beneath the table, quietly clenched into a fist.

—A sudden high fever is one of the symptoms of a Psychological Ebola seizure. If that’s the case, then He Yu…

“Of course, I don’t know if that kid wants to see you. Read on Read BL NovelsHe seems to [Read on Read BL Novels]be in a complete slump. He doesn’t stolen contentsay anything other than the necessary answers.”

Zheng Jingfeng sighed once more.

“…Anyway, he’s admitted to the hospital, so try contacting him yourself later.”