73 – Why Did I Go Crazy?
Chapter 73: Why Am I Crazy?
Once He Yu fell silent, He Jiwei began to speak, his first words laced with a sigh.
“That photo by your bedside. I don’t know if you’re aware, but it’s one of the few remaining photos of your mother in her youth. When you were four, your mother still had faint traces of her girlish face, unlike now… Your mother hated photos taken during her maiden years. That’s why she cleared out almost all the old photos in the house. But look at that picture. Can’t you imagine how beautiful your mother must have been in her twenties? Though it differs from her time as a maiden, if you look at her features, her beauty remains the same.”
As He Jiwei spoke, a hint of affection flickered in his eyes. That emotion, flying in from the distant past, was yellowed and faded like an old photograph.
He closed his eyes for a moment and let out a sigh, then opened them again and looked down at the carpet, continuing his monologue in a whisper.
“Have you ever wondered how your mother became like this? Business entertainment, professional networking—these kinds of realistic stresses can make even a graceful, slender person grow plump. Of course, that isn’t the absolute reason. You can tell by looking at me; I haven’t changed much over the years. When I first met your mother, she was a maiden with a pure smile, wearing a red skirt. She was truly beautiful. Her almond-shaped eyes were so clear. They were exactly like your eyes. Your mother was kind-hearted and had very little competitiveness. To the point where raising animals, growing flowers and vegetables, and reading books were the joys of her life. Anyone who knew your mother back then sincerely liked her. Unlike now…”
The sigh in his voice grew deeper. He raised his hands, interlaced his fingers, and pressed them against the bridge of his nose.
“Completely different. Despite being so popular, your mother chose me, and not long after we married, she became pregnant with you.”
“…”
“But the good times didn’t last. As you know, our family runs a company that handles both bio and pharmaceutical businesses. At the time, your mother said she hated seeing me struggle, so she went to the laboratory herself to help check the equipment. But I still don’t know what went wrong… I still don’t know where the error occurred, but while pregnant with you, your mother was exposed to a virus leaked from the lab. We had checked everything strictly, one by one. There hadn’t been a single error in years.”
He Jiwei closed his eyes and continued the story. The distress in his heart was palpable in his furrowed brow.
“She was already showing, but the attending physician said treatment had to be carried out regardless. Because that treatment had a high probability of causing fetal death, an induced labor for abortion was required. But your mother refused until the end. Your mother didn’t have a very strong constitution. Even before the pregnancy, the hospital stolen contenthad told her it would be difficult to have a second child. That’s why she considered you her only child and cherished you deeply. For those few months, she held great expectations and longed for the day you would be born. She spoke with you more often than she did with me. Others tried so hard to persuade her to let you go, but your mother refused until the end.”
After a brief pause, He Jiwei spoke.
“No one viewed you as a living being. They treated you as merely an embryo, a single seed. Only your mother, who carried you and shared breath with you every second, loved you deeply before you even took human form. Your mother said you were the greatest gift God had bestowed upon her. That’s why, long before you were born, she gave you the name He Yu. Regardless, everyone spent a long time persuading your mother. I did as well, of course. I’m sorry.”
He Jiwei said.
“I admit that back then, I loved your mother more than I loved you. I didn’t want your mother to suffer an unfortunate accident. So, I constantly begged her to erase you, saying it was fine if we had no children in the future or if we adopted. I didn’t want to lose your mother. But your mother was resolute. Though she seemed gentle, once she made up her mind, your mother was a person who couldn’t be pulled away even if ten oxen were tied to her. Every time I tried to persuade her, she wailed, telling me not to hurt you. She said I was a terrifying human, and that only she could protect He Yu. Your mother believed everything was her own fault. That the infection accident happened because of her carelessness.”
The desperate cries of a girl, a woman, a mother, and a wife seemed to linger in his ears.
—Don’t kill him. I can feel this child. This is my son…
—Don’t touch my baby… Don’t touch him… Kill me instead. It’s all my fault. I want to save this child, no matter what… He’s so young… Please don’t kill him…
It had been a very long time since he had chewed over these memories, which were so bitter even for him, in such detail.
Only after suppressing his emotions for a while did he continue to recount the old story as calmly as possible.
“Your mother was on the verge of losing her mind. She was terrified to even imagine what the result would be if she actually aborted you. She certainly wouldn’t have been able to handle the reality. It was clear she would lose her passion for life if you died. Every mother is different, but your mother was a woman with an exceptionally strong maternal instinct. That’s why she couldn’t accept the fact that she had to kill you due to her own mistake.”
He Jiwei’s voice continued.
“Moreover, she was in a situation where she might never be able to have children again. Your mother spent every day in tears. Along with weight loss and [Read on Read BL Novels]hair loss, she developed mental abnormalities due to anxiety and fear. On top of that, as she was infected stolen contentwith the virus, various organs began to weaken. With a body like that, she attempted to run away from home several times. Fearing that we would kill you while she slept. She endured for nine long months just to give birth to you. At the time, no one could stop her.”
He Jiwei let out another long sigh.
“Truly, there was no clever way out. It felt like your mother would die from the agony. So, I tracked down your mother after she ran away and immediately sought out a researcher working in a certain laboratory. I wanted a way to resolve this virus while ensuring you could safely pass the final month. Eventually, I received a certain drug. RN-13, a cell regeneration drug created in that lab. It was something that restored damaged cells to their original state.”
He Yu snapped at the absurd explanation.
“Where in the world is there a drug that restores cells to their original state!”
“There is. He Yu, calm down. Surprisingly, there is.”
He Jiwei said.
“But you’re right. The cell restoration of RN-13 was still in an incomplete, early research stage, so there was a long way to go. However, if you look at the super-emperor data researched later…”
He Yu cut him off harshly.
“What the hell is super-emperor data?”
“If you’ve seen
He Jiwei said.
“But it couldn’t be helped. What could I do when her mental state became [visit our site]a mess, overlapping anxiety disorder, delusional disorder, and depression while pregnant? I felt it was better to gamble like this than to watch your mother die in agony.”
The curtains fluttering in the breeze looked as if they were lamenting this old story.
“As a result, surprisingly, RN-13 overcame the virus in your mother’s body and regenerated the damaged cells at an incredible speed. Thanks to that, your mother regained her reason and gave birth to you. However, as an incomplete drug, RN-13 was incredibly vicious. Isn’t the premise of cell regeneration the ultimate challenge against human disease? A challenge that is absolutely impossible to realize with current medical technology. Therefore, the super emperor was also merely an ideal setting. While it is true that it had a cell regeneration effect powerful enough to restore weakened organs to their original state, proportional side effects appeared fully in both you and your mother. Even though the doctors used a very small dose cautiously, they couldn’t avoid the side effects. As abnormalities occurred in hormone secretion, your mother’s appearance… changed, so she was no longer as beautiful as before.”
He Jiwei still could not bring himself to use the word ‘ugly’ to describe his wife. Even though it was a fact plain for everyone to see.
He could not bring himself to say it until the end.
She was his wife and the girl who had chosen him among countless admirers. He still remembered her most beautiful form.
He Jiwei struggled to continue.
“Of course, her figure began to change as well… When you were four, there were still some traces of her old self. Unlike now.”
Unlike the appearance of a greedily fattened spider that anyone could see.
For a beautiful woman in her prime to lose her beauty is, in fact, a very cruel and painful thing.
At first, Lu Zishu, who knew nothing, gradually realized that in this society, an ugly appearance was synonymous with a ‘physical defect.’
A beautiful face tends to bring infinite goodwill and consideration from people.
Since she was young, she was accustomed to receiving looks filled with envy.
People were always kind to her. Therefore, she did not know the world that other women lived in.
At first, she lived immersed in the joy of becoming a mother, ignoring her reflection in the mirror as she changed like melting ice cream. But later…
—Sorry, but this seat is taken.
—No. I cannot accommodate you.
—Customer, I think this clothing size will be too small; shall I find you a size that fits?
Everything in society suddenly became strange. No one struggled to gain her favor anymore. Men did not blush after speaking with her, and she was frequently called ‘ajumma.’ Pretty girls laughed behind her back, looking at her fat body.
She was bewildered and lost, like a cat that couldn’t walk properly because its whiskers had been cut.
Sadder than that were the shocked looks of acquaintances she had known before. Those looks, which could not be hidden no matter how she tried, were so sharp that they left her drenched in blood.
She grew increasingly depressed. Her irritability grew, and she began to break things.
One day, He Jiwei returned home to find someone had lit a fire in the yard. The servants were stamping their feet beside it, watching Lu Zishu burn everything from the clothes and shoes she used to wear to the photos of her maiden years.
She turned around and smiled. Her sagging cheeks trembled with a wicked pleasure.
—Now, the past is nothing.
She was a person reborn from a cocoon.
“Your mother changed.”
He Jiwei said.
“Slowly, and more terrifyingly… You might be the same, but actually, sometimes I wonder if your mother is a different person. And while your mother loves you, she feared seeing the shadow of the past in you. A past she could never return to. The pasts she struggled to forget. Your mother stopped liking animals and gave up her hobby of tending flowers. She even became completely independent of me. Only after she earned money through a solo business and gained social status did others begin to treat your mother with respect. Just as they did when your mother was young and beautiful.”
A slightly sorrowful emotion seeped into He Jiwei’s voice.
“He Yu, your mother is actually a very pitiful person. …So don’t resent her too much. Your mother wasn’t in a state where she could properly face you. Rather, I am more sorry. I only thought of your mother all this time. And your mother isn’t favoring He Ri. She’s just drawn to her because she resembles her current self more. Because in front of that child, she doesn’t have to recall her darkest past. Your illness… is also a disease caused by RN-13. Your mother always felt guilt over that fact. Your seizures are torture for your mother as well. She is still living in that pain. Sometimes, she even says things in her sleep at night…”
He Jiwei trailed off.
Perhaps because of the bedroom lighting, his eyes looked moist.
He Yu, who had been listening numbly for a long time, finally asked quietly.
“…What did she say?”
He Jiwei dropped his head abruptly, like a marionette with its strings cut.
“That it’s all her fault.”
The woman had murmured so while wandering through her dreams.
“It’s all Mom’s fault. Mom couldn’t protect you properly.”
“…”
He Jiwei’s voice was half-choked. Even after clearing his throat, the dull tone did not return to normal.
“…And after saying that, she would laugh in her sleep. Like a crazy person. Your mother probably never truly escaped that past over the years. No, if anything, it got worse after she gave birth to He Ri. I don’t know if she regretted knowing she could have a second child, but your mother became far more stubborn. To the point where even I couldn’t communicate with her. She seemed like a person who wouldn’t trust anyone but herself. Now, no one knows your mother’s true heart. But He Yu, there is one thing I am certain of.”
He Jiwei looked back at the boy who had been lying on the bed, listening to everything in silence.
“…Your mother loved you with all her life.”
“…”
“Even if… she has completely changed now… in the deepest part of your mother’s heart, the affection for you will remain in the same shape as it was at first.”
He Jiwei’s eyes reddened slightly. It wasn’t because of the room’s lighting.
It was because, for the first time including the past years, he had fully exposed this painful wound to someone.
“So, anyway… at least… just a little… couldn’t you show some goodwill toward your mother? Your mother stepped on the blades of the past to approach you again. He Yu, [Read on Read BL Novels]your mother was the only person who tried to save you instead of her own life. For that reason alone.”
He Jiwei’s voice sank even lower.
“Couldn’t you be just a little kinder to your mother?”
He Yu remained silent.
After some time, He Jiwei thought he caught a glimpse of a single drop of water rolling down He Yu’s cheek, which was covered by his arm, and seeping into his ear.
He Yu turned over to face the opposite direction and spoke with his back to him.
“Please leave.”
He Yu’s voice echoed softly.
“I want to be alone in silence. Please.”
RN-13 is the primary culprit of Psychological Ebola.
At the time, He Jiwei had overused RN-13 in his desperation. The foreign pharmaceutical company he collaborated with was not a legitimate or honorable enterprise. They only explained that they had brought it from a scientific research institution in the United States, but they did not reveal all the secrets to him. Because of that, He Jiwei never dreamed that RN-13 could cause psychological stimulation to the patient.
By the time he learned that several biological test subjects in the documents had contracted a similar disease, it was already too late.
Lu Zishu avoided the disease, but her personality and [unauthorized copy]appearance changed 180 degrees, to the point where [unauthorized copy]it could be said she suffered from a mental disorder. He Yu, unfortunately, became Case 4 of Psychological Ebola.
He Jiwei contacted the foreign pharmaceutical company after noticing the symptoms in his son. However, that company was in a state where the former CEO had been brutally murdered and the leader had changed due to internal shifts. The newly appointed CEO knew almost nothing about the drug and had no intention of helping.
After that, He Jiwei never collaborated with or contacted the foreign pharmaceutical company again.
But no matter what, the established facts do not change.
He Yu lay in bed for a very long time. It was difficult to distinguish day from night because of the thick curtains. Only the sound of the clock hands echoed in the quiet bedroom.
Tick, tick.
Only after a long time did He Yu get up and approach the bookshelf. Then, he took out a worn, yellowed copy of
The scenery in the photo was the geysers of Yellowstone National Park. It was a photo taken during the first and last trip He Yu had ever taken with his parents. In the photo, a young He Yu was held in the arms of a youthful He Jiwei, and beside them stood a woman with a slightly plump figure whose beautiful features were still faintly visible. Her voluminous, wavy hair cascading over her shoulders caught the eye. Dressed in a black lace one-piece dress and a straw hat, the woman leaned against her husband.
He traced the woman’s face in the photo with his fingertips.
After a long, long time, He Yu slowly closed his eyes.
The next day.
Lu Zishu, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen, noticed He Yu coming down from the upstairs room and approaching the dining table, which was unusual.
Though the era of print media had passed, [visit our site]He Jiwei could not give up his habit of reading the [Read on Read BL Novels]newspaper while drinking tea every morning.
“You woke up early.”
He Jiwei spoke, lifting his gaze from the newspaper.
Lu Zishu also turned her head upon sensing someone’s presence. When her son, who had been so blunt and distant, came down to have breakfast with them, she nearly dropped her frying pan and fell backward.
Of course, her son’s expression remained stoic, but this could be considered a dazzling improvement.
“He Yu, what would you like to drink? Coffee? Tea?”
At those words, He Yu answered quietly.
“Either is fine. Thank you.”
While eating breakfast together, Lu Zishu keenly picked up on the signals He Yu was sending. Just as snow piled on a snowy mountain cannot melt overnight, He Yu could not completely close the distance between himself and the two of them in a single day.
Still, at the very least, he was no longer acting as if he had built a wall around himself.
He Yu was trying his best to connect with his parents.
Lu Zishu gained courage from seeing He Yu like this.
“He Yu…”
“Yes?”
“Your mother found a new doctor. He’s a young doctor, so you’ll probably get along well. You haven’t been feeling great for the past few days. How about we call the doctor and have you get a check-up?”
“…”
A new doctor…
Suddenly, he thought of Xie Qingcheng, who had first arrived at this house clutching a bouquet of hydrangeas.
He Yu closed his eyes and swallowed his silence for a long time.
Then, finally, he spoke quietly.
“Do as you wish.”
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