47 – It Hurts So Much

Episode 47: It Hurts Too Much

Six years ago.

A desolate mansion.

A place devoid of joyful laughter or family to stand by one’s side.

The employees had prepared a cake as He Jiwei and Lu Zishu instructed, but He Yu did not eat it. Despite it being He Yu’s birthday, his parents had gone to Yenzhou with his younger brother. They said they had an important meeting with a client today and would return once the meeting ended and it was time for their flight.

He Yu didn’t have many friends. It was because he was always so formal, which made his relationships awkward. Inviting such friends to a birthday party felt like it would be too uncomfortable.

That day, Xie Qingcheng was not in Huzhou due to a meeting. As could be seen from the messages Xie Xue sent, that was the day Xie Qingcheng had gone on a business trip.

As if the heavens were heartless, it happened to be pouring unauthorized copyrain outside with fierce winds howling. He Yu stood in the living room. The European-style floor-to-ceiling windows framed the [unauthorized copy]rainshower, painting a volatile ink-wash painting.

Dong, dong, dong—.

The massive grandfather clock in the villa chimed every hour without fail, announcing the current time.

Past lunch, through the sunset, until darkness descended.

“Young Master… please don’t wait. Chairman He and Chairman Lu contacted me; it seems they won’t be able to make it…”

Unable to watch any longer, the butler stepped forward cautiously and draped a coat over He Yu’s shoulders.

“Please go to bed early today.”

“It’s okay. Today isn’t the official birthday party anyway.”

He Yu turned to him and actually managed a smile.

“Go about your business, butler. I’ll go to sleep later. I just want to watch the rain a bit more.”

The butler sighed quietly and withdrew.

Was he truly okay? Was he really unfazed?

Of course not. He Yu was simply waiting.

Waiting for someone who would brave the wind and rain to come to him. He believed that somewhere, there must be someone who thought of him, worried for him, and would stay by his side in this darkness.

I’m not that bad of a person. I shouldn’t be punished with this much loneliness, right?

And so he kept waiting,

And waiting again.

“He Yu! He Yu!”

How much time had passed? Just before the grandfather clock announced midnight, he thought he heard someone knocking at the door. Soon after, a young girl’s slender voice echoed faintly through the wind and rain, like an auditory hallucination.

He Yu’s eyes widened, and he rushed outside to open the main gate.

The person standing at the door, breathless, was none other than Xie Xue. The only girl He Yu was close to. The only friend who had stayed by his side for many years.

Xie Xue, wearing a raincoat, was drenched in rainwater. Her body temperature was cool, but the eyes looking at He Yu were very warm.

Sniffling, Xie Xue smiled and took off her raincoat, revealing a birthday cake she had carefully wrapped inside.

“I’m not too late, right?”

“How did you get here…?”

“I didn’t want you to spend your birthday alone. That would be too sad.”

Xie Xue said as she wiped the rainwater dripping from her hair.

“I tried making your favorite chocolate cake. Wow, I’m completely soaked. Why is it raining so hard…?”

In that instant, the resentment He Yu had harbored vanished, and he felt the empty void within him being filled.

He took Xie Xue’s cold hand and pulled her inside the house. His voice sounded a bit choked, even to his own ears.

“Honestly, I thought it would be a bit much to spend it alone…”

“That’s out of the question. Why would you be alone? You have me. I’ll always be by your side.”

“…”

“Happy thirteenth birthday, He Yu.”

The girl’s brilliant smile became the brightest light in the dark villa.

Because it happened so long ago, his memory of what happened afterward was blurry.

He only remembered that the chocolate cake put in the refrigerator later had vanished without a trace.

Of course, the cookies the housekeeper had baked in advance had also disappeared along with the cake.

Seeing He Yu’s dark expression, the housekeeper quickly explained before he could get angry.

“I threw them away because they weren’t fresh, and I was worried you’d get sick if you ate them… If you want some, shall I make some tonight?”

But even if she made them again, it wouldn’t be the cake Xie Xue had brought by hand.

Thinking this, He Yu replied.

“It’s okay. Forget it.”

Looking at the screen unfolded before him, a chill ran through him. He clearly remembered that Xie Xue had come to the house that day.

That day… Xie Xue stayed by his side. She thought of him and came all the way to his house.

But—.

The messages projected were ones He Yu had personally searched for and backed up. The traces stored in the cloud could never be lies.

[Oppa, I think Aunt Li isn’t feeling well. I’m here for her IV drip right now; when does your business trip end? The hospital procedures here are so complicated, I feel like my head is going to explode. I need you…]

How could this be?

What on earth is this?

He searched through the computer rapidly. With his face half-distorted like a man possessed, he wandered in search of the truth that had been buried for years, like a grave robber digging up a tomb.

He searched the chat logs based on his birthday.

Xie Xue’s messages, Xie Qingcheng’s messages, He Jiwei’s messages, Lu Zishu’s messages.

The truth remaining in the cloud lay there like a well-preserved corpse, mocking him piteously.

A lie.

A lie.

It was all fake.

Since it was from long ago, he couldn’t find every record, but even the temporary backup information revealed the truth. That night, the night he had longed for Xie Xue more than ever, Xie Xue—.

Had not come to He Yu’s house.

Xie Xue had even sent a message like this to Xie Qingcheng the day after He Yu’s birthday.

[Oppa, He Yu asked if I could visit because it was his birthday. But I was so distracted taking care of Aunt Li yesterday that I couldn’t even reply. I feel so bad, what should I do? Could you apologize on my behalf? I can’t even think of an excuse…]

Xie Qingcheng had replied to that message as follows:

[There’s no need to stay particularly close to that child.]

He Yu continued to scour the cloud.

The further back he went in time, the colder his heart became.

A certain chat log unfolded before his eyes.

It was a conversation between Xie Qingcheng and He Jiwei.

[It seems He Yu hallucinates whenever he feels lethargic. The subject is your younger sister.]

He Jiwei continued.

[I’ve noticed recently that He Yu sometimes speaks of things that haven’t happened in reality. Mr. Xie, in cases like this…]

[It is a normal phenomenon.]

Xie Qingcheng replied.

[I was aware that He Yu had such imaginations.]

[How does this happen…?]

[He Yu has very few peers. He doesn’t open up his inner thoughts to friends his own age. Because his way of thinking is peculiar and mature, it’s difficult for him to form a rapport with children his age. When living in such a closed environment for a long time, one needs an outlet to release emotions. In such cases, they may take a peer they are usually close to and turn them into their own ‘shadow’.]

[His own shadow?]

[Yes. Some children experiencing psychological disorders, including autism, create imaginary friends as they grow. In front of that friend, they pour out their innermost feelings without reservation. The appearance of that friend is either entirely their own imagination or based on a real person. One could say they engage in such imagination to achieve what they long for.]

Xie Qingcheng continued to explain to He Jiwei.

[Actually, it’s not just children with mental illnesses who do this. Normal children also engage in unrealistic imaginations when they are lonely. For example, children who are bullied in class or have no friends create an imaginary friend that only they can see and talk to. It’s a kind of self-protection instinct. Of course, normal children know how to distinguish between reality and unreality. They are conscious that they are gaining comfort by imagining what they want. But a child like He Yu is different. He is not conscious of this. It’s likely because he is experiencing partial imagination.]

[Partial imagination…?]

[Xie Xue is a real person. She is my sister and the closest friend among He Yu’s peers, and their relationship isn’t bad. However, my sister is kind to everyone. While she is close to He Yu, they aren’t visit our sitethat close. But He Yu is currently in a state of longing for a mental pillar. Therefore, he projects what he wants onto Xie Xue and imagines it. To He Yu, Xie Xue is his only friend. You can see it as [unauthorized copy]his subconscious, not wanting to be disappointed by Xie Xue, repeatedly convincing He Yu that everything actually happened. And He Yu believes it completely.]

[It’s hard to believe such an absurd story.]

[The human brain is a very complex and precise device. When distorted memories are repeated and emphasized, this phenomenon can occur. Some people confuse reality with dreams. I could cite the mandela effect as an example.]

[Mandela effect?]

[It’s not a strict academic concept, but it will help you understand. Simply put, you can think of it as a collective memory error. You’ll find quite a few examples if you search the internet. For example… did Mickey Mouse wear suspenders?]

He Jiwei’s reply came back much later. He seemed quite flustered that a cute question appeared in the middle of a serious conversation.

[He did.]

[He didn’t. Yet most people think he wore suspenders. A unique image created when a wrong memory is deeply embedded in the mind—that is the mandela effect. Imagine Mickey Mouse is my sister. Xie Xue actually exists, but she has never worn suspenders. However, He Yu creates non-existent suspenders through his imagination and firmly believes that is the truth.]

[…Then, is it a delusional disorder?]

[I wouldn’t define it as such. In He Yu’s case, it’s more accurate to see it as self-protection, self-consolation, and self-salvation.]

After replying thus, Xie Qingcheng continued the chat after a long pause.

[Chairman He. Honestly, the time you and CEO Lu spend with He Yu is too little. Neglect is something even a mentally healthy child cannot endure, so imagine how it is for a patient like He Yu. He Yu is a child who, even if he doesn’t receive love, has strong pride. No, perhaps it’s not pride. He knows that crying or pleading is useless, and that no matter what method he uses, he won’t get the feedback he wants. So he learned how to suppress his emotions alone and act defensively. The Xie Xue that He Yu projected is actually a shadow that comforts him from within. He hears the words he wants to hear through Xie Xue’s mouth.]

“…”

Looking at the messages layered with the dust of time, He Yu recalled the longing hidden deep within himself.

For instance, I’ll always be by your side.

For instance, the one phrase he hoped someone would say to his face: Happy birthday.

He had waited for them so desperately, but…

They were words he had never once heard.

Below that, Xie Qingcheng’s messages continued.

[Since no one tells him, he has no choice but to be unaware of this fact. He Yu also has high pride, so he probably doesn’t think, ‘I am maintaining my dignity and fulfilling my wishes by relying on imagination.’ Since it’s a psychological protection mechanism stemming from self-defense, you don’t need to worry too much.]

[Did you know all along?]

[I watched him for a while. I have no intention of revealing it to him. The shock would be considerable. Instead, I told Xie Xue to keep her distance from He Yu. Neither Xie Xue nor I are the people He Yu should emotionally depend on. Chairman He, we are people who will leave one day, aren’t we? I am a doctor. I am not He Yu’s family. I cannot devote my entire life to one patient. You probably know without me saying it regarding Xie Xue. Even if I alleviate He Yu’s symptoms, I cannot give him the affection he lacks and craves. The same goes for my sister.]

“…”

He decided not to read the remaining messages. They weren’t important information anymore anyway.

Knowing this much was enough.

More than enough.

Xie Qingcheng had deceived He Yu all this time. Xie Xue was also a fake. Xie Qingcheng was the person who had gifted him a creed that would not break in his life, giving him the belief that he could one day return to a normal society. Xie Xue was the kindest friend in his life, who rushed to his side whenever he despaired in his helplessness.

The night it rained torrentially. The night Xie Xue came to the house, knocked on the gate, called his name through the wind and rain, and pulled out the chocolate cake he wanted from under her raincoat.

That cake, that Xie Xue… he had never once thought they were unrealistic.

Xie Qingcheng had watched this pitiful and shabby self-consolation all along. He had looked down on it, holding it in the palm of his hand.

Until now, there had been no one who loved him.

He had been too stupid. Too naive and clumsy. He was a fool for uselessly longing for the warmth of society. To become a normal person, to hide his hideous face, he had lit a faint flame of hope in his blood-stained mind.

And yet, Xie Qingcheng, knowing all of that, said this:

—I cannot devote my entire life to one patient. You probably know without me saying it regarding Xie Xue. Even if I alleviate He Yu’s symptoms, I cannot give him the affection he lacks and craves. The same goes for my sister.

If I were someone who craved affection, why would I deceive even myself?

What kind of con artist deceives the world and others, and in the end, perfectly deceives themselves?

Only con artists who are bankrupt to the bone would do such a thing.

He Yu had shed too many tears while possessing nothing. He had to hear the words “Happy Birthday” through imagination. He had to deceive himself just to live with a smile.

That’s why he wore a smiling mask while facing the mirror and stubbornly refused to take it off. In that way, he deceived even himself.

Xie Qingcheng was right. That was pride.

He hated being treated as a patient, and he hated being treated as a madman. He Yu knew the social status of the stolen contentHe family well. He knew how many people wished for his failure and disgrace, and how they might [Read on Read BL Novels]rejoice seeing him die bleeding. That’s why visit our sitehe guarded his pride more and more. He didn’t want to gain sympathy through his wounds.

He Yu stood in the empty living room for a long time.

The flow of time felt distant. His thin, sharp gaze swept over the flood of coldly rushing information once, then again. As if submerged in pouring water, He Yu’s vision finally crumbled into fragments.

He slowly closed his eyes.

The mask made of flesh and blood was brutally torn away by Xie Qingcheng’s hand. He quietly raised his hand and touched his face.

It hurts.

It hurts too much…

His whole body was trembling because of his throbbing heart.

He felt as if he had lost everything in just this one night.

Xie Qingcheng’s creed was fake. Xie Xue’s kindness, the comfort Xie Qingcheng had offered him—all of it was a lie. In the end, even his pride, and further, the sturdy mask that protected him, shattered. He only now realized that Xie Qingcheng had been watching this ridiculous face, like a clown, for years.

What on earth have I been so obsessed with and stubborn about until now?

Why was I so stupid? Why did I stay by that person’s side even at the risk of my life? Maybe it was because I wanted to be recognized by Xie Qingcheng. Or maybe it was to repay the sliver of hope Xie Qingcheng had given him in the past…

To throw away his life just to please such a con artist, to wag his tail before a blatant lie.

He Yu laughed softly, bending his waist and leaning against the wall. The growing sound of laughter became increasingly deranged. Like an evil spirit released from a seal possessing a corpse, the sickness in his heart donned a cloak and slid out from the darkness. He pressed his hand to his forehead and burst into a half-mad laugh. Like a person consumed by rage, like a person who had lost their reason to grief, tears flowed endlessly.

It hurt too much.

Xie Qingcheng standing before him with both hands open. The cold scalpel lying on those palms.

This is the truth.

Xie Xue handing him a chocolate cake with a smile. The moment he closed and opened his eyes again, Xie Xue was merely watching him from afar.

This is the truth.

And…

The image of him standing before the large floor-to-ceiling window. A fierce storm raging outside, and the antique grandfather clock in the old house chiming twelve times. The surroundings in the deep night were infinitely dark.

No one knocked on the door.

From beginning to end, no one ever knocked on the door.

And so the day faded and dawned again, until the wind and rain and the long, long night finally ceased, yet he never heard a single sincere word wishing him a happy birthday.

This was the truth.

Himself, lying on a restraint bed with his mouth and nose covered, injected with sedatives. Himself, struggling and howling like a beast facing death, yet unable to call out anyone’s name.

He was a remote island.

A remote island with no bridge to reach it.

This was the goddamn truth.

To survive while fighting the sickness in his heart, a child who was not loved had deceived the world and deceived himself until now.

Even until this very moment.

He Yu leaned his back completely against the wall. He had long since ripped away the bandages wrapped around his shoulder. Only the scent of blood that wafted up as he clawed at the wound gave him pleasure and comfort, making him feel that he was alive. I am wearing skin. Warm blood flows. I am a living person. I am alive.

As his fingers, white-knuckled at every joint, gripped his hair, the veins on the back of his hand bulged. visit our siteHe was like an evil dragon that had been blinded and had its claws broken. He had lost the treasure unauthorized copyhe cherished, and he visit our sitehad lost the cave to hide his body. Now, anyone could freely scan and mock the hideous scars exposed under the bright sunlight.

He had finally awakened from the dream.

Despite struggling for nearly twenty years, He Yu was still a psychopath.

During all that time, no one had loved him. No one had kept him in their heart.

Nothing remained but petty lies.

What a life, to have gained absolutely nothing.