By Zephyria 
Gyeoul’s touch was constant. Neither drawing closer, nor moving further away. Just like our relationship.
The feeling that I shouldn’t wish for rose to my throat. Anyone would criticize me. I deserved to be cursed for not coming to my senses yet.
Even so…
There was a time when I was loved by you. I received it so fully, so abundantly, that I thought it was natural. I was blindly confident that your love would always be directed at me, just as my love was directed at you, and I acted as I pleased.
I was sure that I would love Gyeoul to the end, even if he treated me badly.
In the end, I was the one who fell off. For reasons unrelated to you. I neglected you, unaware that your love was completely exhausted and empty. Yet, in the end, I wanted your love again.
It’s already lost. Even if I regret it, I can’t hold on.
Gyeoul asked me in a steady tone. I couldn’t find any sign of excitement.
“Yi-tae. Why do you like me?”
I heard the sound of the machine operating, I wondered when he had pressed the floor number. I had to pick up the bouquet and the shopping bag that had fallen on the floor, but I didn’t want to let go of your warmth. My hand gripped tighter and tighter. The clothes would stretch.
Gyeoul’s question was too easy. You deserved to be loved, even to the last strand of your hair. Cute, lovely, cheerful, kind… There was no end to listing the reasons why I liked you.
But the biggest reason I love you is because I was completely captivated by you from the moment I saw your bright smile.
My soul was bound, and I couldn’t love anyone but you. I loved your smile, your kindness, your affection, your ruthlessness, your decisiveness. I came to love you because you were you. So there was only one answer I could give.
“I like you because it’s you. Everything that makes you… I like it all. I like it so much that I can’t, can’t let go.”
The confession mixed with tears was insignificant. I have to lift my head. The elevator will arrive at its destination soon. Before that, I had to stop crying and face Gyeoul with a normal face.
Gyeoul’s long fingers carefully stroked my hair. I knew that no matter what regrets I lived with, I could not go back to the past. The small wish that I had only hoped to run into you by chance had grown uncontrollably.
I wanted to pretend to have some shame, but in fact, from a long time ago, from the moment you left me, I wanted to be by your side. The truth, disguised as saying that I would be happy just to brush past you by chance, was that I wanted you to love me again.
Because I knew you couldn’t love me, I wanted to maintain some kind of morality with such resignation.
But now I was really afraid of how I could live if I lost Gyeoul. It was only a few weeks. The short moments when I properly touched you, laughed, joked, and spent time with you were engraved on my body like tattoos.
Someday the traces will fade, but they will never disappear. Enough to be called eternity.
“Can you rediscover love? I don’t really know.”
The door opened, but we didn’t get off. Trapped in a completely stopped space, we could only gasp for breath.
I didn’t want to hear it.
It was a rejection colder and sharper than any confession. I felt a pain as if my heart was being cut and the wound was being dug into with a finger.
“……”
“You can change. You can cool down. Nothing lasts forever in the world. But can you fall in love with the same person again and be happy? It’s a love with a predetermined ending. We’ve already seen the end of it. So how can we love again?”
The touch was still warm. But even more cynical words stabbed me mercilessly. Your firm disbelief penetrated my breath.
Gyeoul was listing facts as if he was organizing his thoughts rather than talking to me.
What could be more frightening than saying that the ending has been decided?
“No.”
I spat out without knowing what I wanted to deny. Gyeoul grabbed my shoulders and slowly pushed me away. I didn’t want to be separated from him, but my body was easily pushed away. I didn’t have the will to resist.
“Couples who meet again end up breaking up for the same reasons.”
“That can’t be.”
“You’re going to get rid of the people closest to you when you’re having a hard time.”
It was the first criticism I had ever heard from him. My body stiffened at the very calm but firm assertion. The hand that was holding you gradually lost strength. The arm that fell limply could not grab anything in the air. I missed it.
Gyeoul was not angry. His tone was still calm, and it felt like a deep sea without waves or tsunamis. So I realized that it was Gyeoul’s complete sincerity.
I abandon you…
You could treat me comfortably because you had no expectations for me. The reason why you can readily offer me even this touch is because Gyeoul can never love me again.
Because even if I act like this, nothing will change.
I couldn’t deny his words. It was just an excuse to say anything. Nothing could be evidence. The only way to break your faith in me was to show you directly. I had to prove my love.
When I was silent, Gyeoul spoke again.
“Do you think I’m wrong?”
“……”
“Then prove it. Or make me like you enough to overlook even that.”
“……”
“You asked me why I liked you. I liked you because you were cute.”
Gyeoul picked up the luggage on the floor and pressed the open button. Noise seeped into the quiet space.
Before the door closed, he gathered all the luggage in one hand, grabbed my wrist, and pulled me out. The reason why you liked me was quite shocking. I was often told that I didn’t have a single cute side, so I was blunt.
How can I bring out my good side that I don’t even know about? There was no way you would find me cute again just because I acted cute. I had never done that even while we were dating.
He was still considerate of me. It was frustrating that I couldn’t move properly, but he didn’t put any strength into the hand holding my wrist.
I still couldn’t see well because of the tears, so I relied on you and walked home.
Still, thinking about your remarks just now, could it be that I still have a chance? There was room to interpret it as saying that you weren’t burdened or disliked by me approaching you. That would be just my own terrible interpretation…
I have to hold on to that.
‘I love you.’
I swallowed even deeper affection. I barely managed to say that I liked you, so there was no way I could confess my deeper feelings.
Gyeoul arrived in front of the house and let go of my hand. I knew there was no intention, but when my hand fell off, I felt empty. I had a wicked thought that I would rather have our bodies stuck together, even if it was uncomfortable.
“What… what part of me did you find cute?”
I asked with a muffled pronunciation. In the end, you were holding the answer sheet that I had to analyze. Gyeoul’s hand, which was entering the password, stopped for a moment. But he pressed the last number as if nothing had happened.
Gyeoul said, grabbing the doorknob and turning it.
“Well. I just felt that way sometimes. If you ask me what part it was, I can’t really think of anything. I guess I thought you were cute because it was you.”
It was a simple answer to the point of being absurd. But when I heard that answer, my stomach rumbled. I can’t dare to guess the depth of your love, but I felt affection for me in the past.
Because it’s me…
I couldn’t even imitate it. I loved you because I liked everything about you. I really liked everything so much that I couldn’t pinpoint any one thing.
If Gyeoul liked me for the same reason as me, I had no choice but to abandon the option of repeating the past. You would be sick of everything about me, so there was no way you would like me.
Gyeoul headed to the kitchen with the bouquet. I couldn’t even figure out how to make you like me again. That back will get further and further away, and the opportunity you gave me may end at some point.
I hate it. I really hated that so much.
I’d rather die. As tears fell, I saw a clear view. There was a thought that had been steadily coming to me while I was waiting for you in the wind. That impulse filled my head in an instant.
I dropped the bag on the porch and strode towards you.
Gyeoul was rummaging through the bag as if trying to organize the luggage. My hands were shaking. I closed my eyes tightly, hugged your back, and buried my face in your shoulder. I felt Gyeoul flinch. The embrace, neither small nor large, came into me.
“What is it.”
Gyeoul’s voice, full of embarrassment, followed. I hugged you tighter. Your hand lightly grabbed my arm. It didn’t feel like you were trying to take it off.
All the parts that touched you became hot.