By Zephyria 
This was a kind of test. My decision would change depending on your answer.
My whole body was cold. For whatever reason, I was definitely going to catch a cold today. That was a confirmed fact. I blinked. The teardrops clinging to my eyelashes fell.
“I, I…”
Is forcing a choice a kind of violence? Even if it was, I couldn’t stop. The train we were on had to end, whether it crashed into the sea or into a wall.
I hated being in an ambiguous relationship. I didn’t think this was something to ask so suddenly, but postponing it wasn’t the answer. I was arrogant. I didn’t want to deceive you anymore. I didn’t want to demand unrequited kindness under the guise of unrequited love. Even if it wasn’t my intention.
Yi-tae’s hand overlapped mine. It was very hot.
I waited for you to continue. Yi-tae tried to take the umbrella from my hand, but I didn’t let go. I had the illusion that the warmth in my hand was warming my body. Even though it was proof that Yi-tae was in that much pain, I liked it.
Just suffer and die.
The hand pushing the umbrella lost strength. The umbrella didn’t tilt towards me or Yi-tae. It ambiguously failed to cover both of us in the center.
Just like our relationship.
“I want to be by your side forever. In any position…”
Yi-tae’s voice trembled. I didn’t know if it was because of the cold or fear. He probably didn’t even realize it himself.
It was such an ambiguous statement.
Even in moments like this, Yi-tae can’t be honest. A deep sense of powerlessness washed over me. What am I going to do with the answer I get from him? I haven’t even decided what to do with him yet. The realization that it’s not a destination that can be reached by pushing dawned on me.
I said in a weak voice, as if muttering.
“You can do that as friends.”
“…I don’t want to be friends.”
Yi-tae’s answer was firm for once. Anyone could be by my side. If all he wanted was to be next to me, he shouldn’t have revealed it.
So I wouldn’t worry. So I wouldn’t waver.
The sudden surge of impulse suddenly made me ashamed. I tried to let go of the umbrella, but Yi-tae’s firm hand wouldn’t allow it.
“I don’t want anyone else but me to be by your side. I want anything, family, lover, whatever. I hate relationships that aren’t closer than that. I hate it, Gyeoul. I just… I want to be with you in the closest place, for the rest of my life. That’s all.”
He poured out the words that had been building up inside him without looking me in the eye.
The rain was getting heavier. There wasn’t a single person passing by on the street. My hands, which should have been cold by now, were still hot. Even though we were blocked by the umbrella, Yi-tae’s face was drenched in rain.
Yeah, Yi-tae can’t ask me for anything. Ever.
I guess I took his guilt too lightly. I thought it would be okay if you were confident and I understood you.
The umbrella blocking us suddenly bothered me. The warmth that I had been satisfied with until just now was not enough. My teeth chattered. The cold came rapidly. I felt a chill that made my hair stand on end.
“It’s cold.”
I mumbled awkwardly to myself, took the umbrella out, and threw it to the side. Then I hugged Yi-tae.
I heard the sound of the raincoat crumbling. The hot heat was now felt all over my body. If I hadn’t been completely soaked, I wouldn’t have acted so recklessly. Now that I’m already soaked, what’s there to be afraid of?
Yeah, it’s already flowed this far.
It was a predetermined ending from the day I dragged Yi-tae into my house. I wasn’t confident in having a new person by my side, but I was endlessly lonely, and Yi-tae loved me very much. It was just a matter of matching interests.
Not the pure love of the past.
He hesitated and hugged me. But one hand was struggling to cover my head. The sight was absurd and cute, and I burst out laughing. I felt like the things that had been piling up inside me were being washed away and melted.
“Shall we make sure we catch a cold?”
No answer was needed. I’m going to act like this as I please in the future.
I pulled away for a moment, wrapped my hands around the back of Yi-tae’s neck, and pulled him down. I rubbed my cold lips against his lips, which were full of hot breath. I could feel his body stiffening in surprise against the skin that was touching.
I opened my mouth and bit his lower lip. It tasted salty. The musty, humid smell of rain settled down. Yi-tae, who had been hesitating, soon opened his mouth.
Our tongues mingled. I habitually rubbed my tongue on the part you liked. I heard small breaths in my ear. It was all hot. I belatedly realized that he was sick, but I didn’t want to let go of this warmth. The empty space was slowly filling with water.
The kiss that I had been leading was gradually being swept away by Yi-tae. He sucked every corner of my mouth as if he was going to devour me. Before I knew it, Yi-tae’s hands were pressing down hard on my back. So I wouldn’t fall off. I could easily feel how desperate he was.
Suddenly, I wanted to leave a mark on him.
I set my teeth and bit his lip hard. It tasted faintly of blood. Yi-tae flinched and pulled away.
Each other’s breath tickled our cheeks. The drizzling rain showed no signs of stopping. The umbrella that had been dropped was blown away by the wind and rolled to the side, and the plastic bag was left unattended with water in it.
There was blood on Yi-tae’s lips. As I stared at it, I took off the hood of the raincoat that Yi-tae was wearing. His wet hair, which was not properly covered by the raincoat, was revealed. It was spiteful.
“…What are we?”
He asked.
I shook the water out of the plastic bag and picked it up. It was quite heavy, as if I had bought all the groceries for the week, starting with the rice cakes.
I turned around first, leaving him standing there blankly.
“The kind of relationship that does this.”
“…”
“Pick up the umbrella and follow me. You’re not in your right mind because you’re sick. Why did you come out in this rain? Making people worry.”
I let my arms hang down and started walking. I didn’t feel any signs of him following.
I walked for a while, but I didn’t feel anyone following me, so I turned around. Yi-tae was still standing there.
He’ll follow me if I walk. I took another step. I didn’t want to go back on my decision, but I needed time to think deeply. I should take sick leave in advance and get some rest. After all, the company would run on its own even without me.
“What kind of relationship is that?”
A voice stained with confusion hit my back.
I stopped walking again. Just a kissing relationship. What should I call it? I held back the urge to answer sarcastically. You should say it. My pride wouldn’t allow me to say even this.
I answered sullenly and walked forward.
“I don’t know. You’d know.”
Then Yi-tae ran to my side and tilted the umbrella. Soon, a shadow fell over my head. I’ve already been hit as much as I’m going to be, so wouldn’t it be strange to use an umbrella now? I didn’t bother to say anything this time. If that’s what he wants to do, what can I do? It’s all his choice.
It was my fault for inviting the disease, and it was my fault for kissing Yi-tae.
It was like deliberately putting my foot in the swamp. The mud was already tickling my ankles. There’s no one to save me.
I held back a sigh. I had a feeling that I was going to be very sick this time. No, it was close to certain. I’ll probably suffer even more severely than the year before last.
“…I don’t want to be a sex partner.”
I stepped on a stone the wrong way and my ankle twisted slightly. My heart sank in case I fell. Fortunately, thanks to my flexible ankle, I didn’t fall or get hurt. I realized that a large hand was firmly supporting my arm after that.
Why is he saying something like this outside?
I looked at Yi-tae with a dumbfounded expression. His face was endlessly serious. The slightly depressed mood flew away.
“Last time, you said you wanted to do even that.”
“I don’t want to.”
A stubborn answer came back.
Of course, I wasn’t thinking about that kind of relationship either, but I found Yi-tae’s reaction amusing. If I tease him in this atmosphere, there will be misunderstandings again. I have to hold back. Still, he’s a foolish guy who braved this rain with a high fever to buy groceries just because I said I wanted to eat tteokbokki.
I couldn’t bring myself to think he was admirable. I pressed down on the corners of my lips and walked a little slower. I could feel that he was still struggling.
I was willing to give back to Yi-tae as much as he had given me today. He was the one who had to endure unrequited love for the rest of his life. He will be very anxious and tired in the future, but even that was a share that Yi-tae had decided to bear.
In order to be by my side.
“Then what do you want to be? Tell me. I might listen.”
“…I want to get married.”