By Zephyria If this impure heart must be condemned, I’d rather it be by you. It was obvious that the echo of my heart was reaching you. I couldn’t tell if my body was shaking or if you were moving.
Your tightly intertwined body, its warmth, its scent, were so sweet that my heart ached. What I lost and what you lost were incomparable, yet. Mine was far more pathetic and insignificant.
Even so, I wanted my heart back from you. How could a person be so selfish?
‘It was mine.’
The feeling you felt must have been more terrible than this. A sense of loss and emptiness as if you had lost everything. The betrayal I felt momentarily when I heard the words “let’s break up.” A greater emotion than what I felt must have befallen you.
The cloth I buried my face in became damp. I suddenly thought it was fortunate it wasn’t Gyeoul’s favorite clothes.
“Gyeoul-ah…”
“Why.”
Gyeoul, who would usually have been sarcastic, was quiet.
He didn’t take my hands off, nor did he turn around to embrace me. I could feel his body, which had been stiff with surprise, completely relaxing. I wanted to burrow into your arms. And I wanted to cry and beg you to love me again.
Like a child lying on the floor, whining to have what they want.
“Can I lean on you like this, just sometimes?”
I belatedly asked for permission. Using the excuse that you hadn’t shaken me off just now. I wanted to believe that you didn’t hate me that much. I wondered if you were saying that this much distance was okay. But in the end, your answer would obviously be a rejection.
Was my desperate heart expressed as it was? I didn’t even realize that my arms were tightening around you more and more. I realized it when you let out a small groan. I wanted to reach you somehow because of my desire to be close. Even knowing that it was tormenting you.
Startled, I released the strength in my hands. Even so, I couldn’t let go completely. In the end, this was me. Unable to hold on, unable to let go.
Gyeoul leaned his back against my body with a thud. I was so surprised by the sensation of him suddenly coming into my arms that my body stiffened.
“What do you mean by ‘like this’? Hugging? Or kissing? You’re not suggesting we become Sex partners, are you?”
Kwon Yi-tae isn’t that bold.
The afterthought was naturally added. I knew it was a joke, but even that was tempting. I wanted to name the relationship with you. But was I allowed to give it that name? I had no right or qualification whatsoever.
“Everything…”
Good. Whatever it is, it’s all good as long as I can be by your side. I couldn’t bring myself to say any of the afterthoughts that Gyeoul easily spat out. I swallowed and swallowed and swallowed again, until I felt like I was choking.
I felt suffocated.
“Everything?”
But I was jolted awake by Gyeoul’s surprised voice. I had to deny it, but my mouth wouldn’t open. Rather, it was the perfect opportunity. To receive contempt, or to pry into even a small gap. As soon as I thought that, my lips wouldn’t move as if they were glued shut.
He tilted his head back and looked at me. His eyes were full of bewilderment.
I exhaled. My breathing trembled subtly. I was glad that my mind was entirely my own. I barely answered you.
“No.”
I avoided his eyes. My lips were parched, so I wet them with my tongue.
“Liar. It’s all obvious.”
Gyeoul spat out as he straightened his body again. The weight that had been pressing on me disappeared in an instant. After a moment of silence, he finally burst into a short laugh, then picked up the bouquet and the bottle and headed to the bathroom.
What had been in my arms disappeared.
It felt as distant as if it had all been a dream. Does laughing that my lie is obvious mean that it’s okay for me to think that way? If you don’t tell me first, I’ll interpret it that way as I please.
I could hear the sound of snipping. Gyeoul said he didn’t like plants, but he cherished them a lot. The same was true for the plant he named ‘Blancso.’ I brought it because Gyeoul seemed to want to raise it, even though I was the one who got it.
How much affection will you pour into that flower again? You’ll cherish it so much that I’ll be endlessly envious.
I was even jealous of a plant. Ugly feelings welled up. No, not this time. It was a little different. It wasn’t the flower, but the person who gave it that was important. Gyeoul cherishing the flowers given by Ian, who likes him.
“Yi-tae, where should I put this?”
Gyeoul came out of the bathroom with a smile more refreshing than the flowers. He was holding a vase that looked quite presentable. He seemed to be in a better mood than usual. If I had known this would happen, I would have given you flowers. Every day, every day.
I wanted to put it in a place where it wouldn’t be easily seen. I wanted it to wither and dry up completely in the shade. Dark thoughts rose from time to time.
But you wouldn’t want that. You would take care of it and cherish it for a very long time, until the very end.
“…I think the dining table would be good.”
“You think so too?”
He smelled the fragrance and gently placed it on the table. The bright colors harmonized with the house. As if it had been there from the beginning.
It seemed slightly off-center, so I pushed it to the side. In the end, I would cherish this flower too. I didn’t know how not to like what you liked. I wiped the water droplets on the bottle with my fingertips and let go.
“I wanted to get your opinion since you live here too.”
Gyeoul always left room for interpretation. He would throw out words that were easy to misinterpret and twist to my liking, and then turn away nonchalantly. When I was trembling with anticipation and having tens of thousands of delusions on my own, he would reach out his hand again.
If this is the punishment you’re giving me, how great would that be? It’s just sweet.
“I won’t be here by the time these flowers wither.”
I threw out a joke. When the project is over, I’ll disappear without a trace, as if I was never here. I tapped the petals. If only these flowers could bloom for a long time, would my traces remain here even a little?
I should put the flowers I bought before I leave. Then, even if you hate me, you’ll cherish those flowers.
“You can’t achieve anything if you just give up. Though I’m not the one to say that.”
“……Doesn’t it make you feel bad that I like you?”
I asked Gyeoul, who was looking at me with his arms crossed, for his opinion. His eyes were unreadable. His deep and calm eyes stared at me endlessly.
His lips slowly parted. A smooth, softly ground voice flowed out.
“I’m seriously considering it. Whether I hate you, miss you, or like you.”
Gyeoul strode closer. The faint scent of lilies, as if he had the scent of flowers on his hands, stung my nose. That’s how close your hand was to my face.
I squeezed my eyes shut. I was ready to accept whatever you did, as I was happy with anything. No matter how much I tried to think positively, I felt like that hand would become a fist and slap my cheek.
I felt pressure on my nose. My nose, pinched by his thumb and forefinger, stretched out forward. Surprised by the unexpected sensation, my body leaned forward. When I opened my eyes wide, Gyeoul was right in front of me.
“It depends on what you do. If you want to kiss me, try to seduce me so that I want to.”
The pain disappeared in an instant. Leaving only the scent of flowers, Gyeoul went into the room. My legs gave way and I leaned against the table. The bag that I hadn’t finished organizing rustled and made a sound.
My face turned completely red.
So how am I supposed to seduce you……?
I resentfully looked at the closed door. Gyeoul acted as if I had a choice, but in reality, I had nothing to offer but cooking. If only I were as alluring as Gyeoul, I would appeal with my body. Like Gyeoul, like he did.
I squeezed my eyes shut again at the suggestive scene that came to mind. This time, it was to recall it for a long time.
∗ ∗ ∗
I became busy again for a while. My relationship with Ian flowed smoothly. He occasionally handed me bouquets, and I would just put them in a vase.
As the end seemed to be in sight, Yi-tae couldn’t even come home properly. When he returned home after a long time, he would do the piled-up cleaning and laundry, then make enough side dishes for me to eat for a week and take a nap.
He told me to seduce him so confidently, but I hadn’t decided how to react if he pushed himself on me again. What if he stood there with only an apron on, like I did, with that face! These worries were overshadowed by the fact that he didn’t even come home in the first place.
Yi-tae’s cheeks were flushed and he was slowly exhaling roughly. I could hear his panting breath all the way over here. It wasn’t even that close.
No, don’t the people next to him know that he’s sick? Anyone can see that his face is flushed with fever.
A friend should step in at times like this. And I’m also his roommate. I thought I had enough right to interfere with Yi-tae.
“Yi-tae.”
“……Huh?”
His reaction was subtly slow. And they still don’t know he’s sick? I glanced at Tony and Mina sitting nearby. They were so busy that they were about to be completely sucked into their monitors. That’s why they don’t know.
“You have a fever. You’re about to collapse.”
I touched his forehead with the back of my hand. It was very hot, like a roasted sweet potato.