By Zephyria How long can I endure this time?
My heart has already burst and overflowed. Can I really bear to watch you date Ian from the sidelines? There was no place to escape to like before. Back then, I ran away under the pretense of military service, but even that was impossible now.
Rather, I was the one who would wither away without you. It was hard when you were by my side back then, but people are so fickle. Changing like this all the time.
No matter how painful, I had to be by your side. So I couldn’t confess. You would surely reject me, and as a result, you might not even want me by your side.
What Gyeoul wanted was for me to stay quietly by his side, loving him. Not begging and pleading, unable to contain my feelings. So I had to protect that wish as much as possible.
“Are you back from grocery shopping?”
“…Yeah. You got flowers.”
I mentioned what caught my eye first. In fact, you might even feel displeased, thinking I was interfering, but this was unavoidable. The words just popped out regardless of my will.
Gyeoul shook the flowers at my words. A fully bloomed petal fell off.
“Ian gave them to me. He said he made them himself.”
Gyeoul looked at the flowers with a warm gaze. He seemed quite pragmatic, but he actually liked things like this. Things filled with sincerity. Small letters, flowers, things like that. I was too embarrassed to do them often.
The plastic rustled, making a sound. I seemed to be clutching it too tightly. I slowly loosened my grip on my hand.
I didn’t want to say they were pretty, so I kept my mouth shut. I was overflowing with things I wanted to ask. Why didn’t he come with you, was it confirmed that you two weren’t dating? Or… is it time for me to disappear?
“It’s later than I thought.”
“After eating, I took a walk around, and time just flew by.”
Gyeoul only said meaningful things. How can you eat with someone you rejected? It must be uncomfortable. Then, could it be that he changed his mind after reconsidering last night? He clearly said no…
Gyeoul told me I might regret it, but after revealing my feelings yesterday, I felt relieved in a way. Since I’ve already been caught, even if I can’t pester you, I thought maybe I don’t have to stop the overflowing feelings sometimes. It was a really selfish reason.
I should have stopped you from going out if you were going to lose your mind while drunk. Please don’t love someone else, leaving me behind.
“I see.”
But all I could do was agree and remain silent. I felt suffocated.
I turned away and started walking. The bag full of milk, meat, and groceries felt too heavy. I bit my lip tightly and moved forward. I could feel Gyeoul’s gaze on me, but it wasn’t easy to pretend to be okay.
What if I lose you?
I decided not to be greedy, I swore that just running into you by chance would be my lifelong goal, but it turned out like this. I’m just an inevitable human being, and I didn’t want to let go of the kindness I once held.
“Aren’t you going to ask how it went?”
Gyeoul’s voice was only refreshing. As if nothing was wrong, he snatched one of the bags I was holding in my left hand. No matter how heavy it was, I didn’t want you to hold it.
It felt like the reason for my existence would disappear if you did. I’m just by your side to do even this much. What’s left for me if I lose even this?
“Give it back. It’s heavy. I’ll carry it.”
“It’s really heavy. It must have been hard carrying it alone.”
He nodded in agreement, but he didn’t give it back. I reached out, but he blocked my action with the bouquet as if hiding it. I couldn’t get closer for fear of breaking the flowers.
Gyeoul said firmly.
“I’m going to eat it anyway, why should only you suffer?”
“Yeah, I have to do at least this much. I’m living in your house.”
Gyeoul stared at my face. My ugly jealousy was revealed again. This time, Gyeoul must have noticed. That it was because of the anxiety that you would date Ian. That I was finding relief in doing such trivial things.
Do I have the right to ask? Still, if he were to date him, my existence might be awkward for his lover, so I had to find a new place to live. I didn’t mind going back to that motel.
Because I already felt like I was stuck in the mud.
“You have a lot you want to say on your face.”
“…Can I ask?”
Dare I.
I hid those inner thoughts. It’s all been exposed to you anyway, but I still kept up appearances. The bag crumpled with a rustle. My fingers, which had turned white from the pressure, stung. Nevertheless, I couldn’t let go.
Going home together with these ambiguous feelings, or talking outside where anyone could pass by, were not good choices.
“If I tell you not to ask, you won’t ask?”
“…”
“Ian noticed and asked. If we dated. I couldn’t bring myself to deny it. But I didn’t affirm it either. I’m telling you because I thought you should know too.”
Gyeoul walked past me, who had stopped, as if he was going home, and continued to move. He pressed the elevator button and waited quietly for it to come down. The numbers went down diligently.
I stared at your back and eventually moved to your side.
“Yeah.”
All I could say was this kind of answer. It didn’t matter that Ian knew that fact. No, it would be an important issue if the two of them were dating.
The elevator door opened.
Gyeoul got in first. I had to move too, but my body wouldn’t listen. I felt nauseous. I wanted to throw up everything inside me because of the constant negative thoughts.
The door will close soon…
Gyeoul didn’t urge me. What are you thinking? How foolish and ridiculous do I look? I deserved to be treated like that. I wasn’t afraid of that at all. I was just afraid that you would really cut off all ties with me.
My throat tightened and a hoarse voice came out.
“Did you decide to date Ian?”
I couldn’t be calm at all. My nervousness was visible in my eyes, my mouth, and my trembling. Neither Gyeoul nor I were pressing the open button, so the door would close soon.
I regretted it even after saying it. I wish this door had closed and Gyeoul had gone up first. How dumbfounded would you be seeing me ask this? You might ask, what right do you have to ask such a question?
“Yi-tae, you don’t trust me at all. Do you think I’ll be the same because you were?”
He looked at me with a disappointed expression. The door closed slowly, and Gyeoul’s face was so clear through the gap. My heart sank.
The distrust towards me has rather damaged you. His wounded face gradually disappeared. Thud, the door closed.
You were right. In the end, I thought of you by applying myself. With a tentative conviction that I would have done that.
I hung my head. I had no idea what kind of expression to face Gyeoul with. I was afraid to go home like this. I felt lost. I was just at a loss.
Are my tear glands broken?
Water flowed down my cheeks. It was true that Seattle rained often. It was gloomy, and it was hard to see clear days. So my mood often collapsed according to the weather.
Who would like someone who is jealous, suspicious, and ends up crying, someone who is still immature? I would get tired of it if I were me.
Tears poured out like a dam bursting. At that moment, the door opened again. Did someone else come down? I couldn’t even lift my head and moved my body to the side. How embarrassed would they be?
“Why aren’t you getting on?”
Along with a rustling sound, a familiar voice was heard.
“I was waiting for you to press it, but you’re crying again. At this rate, Seattle will flood. I have to report a disaster.”
A warm hand grabbed my wrist and pulled me. My body naturally leaned forward and stepped into the elevator as if being led.
“…I’m sorry.”
“If I push you, make excuses, Yi-tae. Don’t be discouraged. You don’t have the face to be like that. You can be shameless.”
He put down what he was holding and lifted my face. His eyes, which resembled the sunset and sparkled, were looking directly at me.
I didn’t know how not to love you like this. Even though I tried to give up, I ended up coming here again like a star drawn to gravity.
“I like you. I like you so much, I like you… I’m sorry for liking you.”
I leaned on him and repeated only that I liked him. Tears soaked Gyeoul’s collar. Gyeoul sighed deeply and patted my head.
The crying didn’t stop. I liked you so much. Even though it was a feeling I had to abandon, I couldn’t give up. Sobbing, I gripped your clothes tightly.
I hated the bouquet. I hated his taller height than me, his handsome face, and his relaxed attitude. Every time Gyeoul’s gaze turned to him, I felt like my entire organs were twisted with jealousy, and every time Gyeoul smiled at him, I felt like my whole body was torn to pieces.
I ended up loving you in such an ugly form.
“So just let me be by your side. I won’t ask for anything more. Please, please.”
Please like me…