By Zephyria 
As Yi-tae had warned, Gyeoul stared at me as soon as I finished one glass. It was the moment my resolution to not overdrink became meaningless. I closed my eyes and gulped it down. How many more glasses could I drink? My vision was already blurry.
“I’m sorry.”
The words came out on their own. It had happened before. Drinking made the memory of that time even clearer. Completely drunk, I apologized to Gyeoul over and over.
Gyeoul chuckled and said,
“You always apologize when you drink. Do you have that many things to be sorry for?”
“I don’t know how to atone for my sins…”
“You’re sorry to me, but you’re also jealous?”
“Mmm.”
It was impossible to hide my true feelings from Gyeoul. He saw through everything about me from the start. Even without me saying it.
Or, did I say it myself? That I was jealous. That I begged him not to go out tomorrow.
I probably didn’t act that terribly. That wouldn’t do. Who am I to ask Gyeoul for anything? Who am I…?
I couldn’t bear the thought of his love blossoming elsewhere. Even though I wanted him to, the thought of him completely escaping my shadow was terrifying. I was disgusted by how I could even think such a thing.
So, I might have said it without holding back. Gyeoul already knew that feeling.
I picked up cooked vegetables with my chopsticks. Oh, it’s a carrot! A wave of joy washed over me. I fumbled a few times but finally managed to pick up the carrot accurately. Gyeoul liked carrots too. After hesitating, I put it in his rice bowl.
I stared at him, wanting to see him eat it. Gyeoul propped his chin on his hand and watched me. I’m still fine. I must be, since I only see one Gyeoul. I was in my right mind.
“Do you know why you’re jealous now? You cried last time saying you didn’t know.”
“…Carrot, it’s delicious. Try it.”
“You’ll forget everything again tomorrow. Yi-tae, drink some water.”
A white hand offered me a cup. I took the cup with both hands and gulped it down. This conversation can’t end like this. That orange color kept bothering me. I need to fix my habit of worrying about trivial things. No one understands these pathetic feelings.
I carefully put the cup down. Thump, a sound echoed. Why does it sound so loud? The alcohol lingered in my nose, then on my forehead, and kept moving to my lips.
I blinked slowly. I probably won’t forget today. I was sure of it.
“Do you like Ian?”
Alcohol made people brave. I could easily blurt out sentences I would never normally say, using my alcohol-numbed mind as an excuse.
Gyeoul, who was picking up a carrot, stopped moving. The carrot fell back into the rice bowl. I should have asked a little later. Carrot, orange, salmon, futomaki… kiss.
Why do I keep thinking about the kiss? Like Gyeoul said, I was mistaken when I saw our reflection in the glass. But in my memory, it continued even after Gyeoul said that. I want to kiss you. I said that to you.
Reason stopped judging right and wrong.
“What if I do?”
“…Do you really like him?”
My eyeballs were so hot that I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want to hear the answer. I shook my head. The alcohol’s effect waned. I couldn’t remember Gyeoul’s face when he was in love. Even though I’ve seen that face for so long.
〈Try to seduce me again. If you can.〉
〈…Huh?〉
〈It’s a shame if you don’t remember. But I don’t do love anymore, Yi-tae. Rest assured.〉
A suffocatingly strong memory rushed in. Drinking seemed to have helped me recall the memory. I opened my eyes and looked at Gyeoul again. He was clear. Gyeoul was looking at me with a blank expression.
“No. You don’t like him. You don’t like him…”
I mumbled like a child throwing a tantrum. As if wishing it were true. If this memory is correct, Gyeoul didn’t love anyone, at least until then. And Gyeoul wasn’t the type to fall for someone that quickly.
But is that a good thing? That you can’t love anyone? That’s too terrible. I habitually looked for something sharp. Disgust surged. But my somewhat returned sanity barely suppressed the gruesome impulse.
The statement I had just confidently uttered was so disgusting. It was the moment your unhappiness became my joy. I wanted that. I, I…
Gyeoul touched a cup filled with ice to my cheek. Was my cheek that red? It was getting hot. The coldness jolted me awake. As the intoxication wore off, I hated myself so much. It was terrible.
“Do you remember now?”
I slowly nodded at his question. I wish I hadn’t remembered. Then I wouldn’t have become so pathetic. Even this is an excuse. I covered my face with both hands. I didn’t want to show him this state.
I wanted to drink again. I wanted to forget everything again. I staggered and knelt down. Would even this light apology come across as sincere to you?
I said without raising my head.
“Did you start to hate me even more?”
“I don’t hate you unless you do something really wrong.”
“No, you have to hate me. Because of me, you…”
“That’s an overestimation of your self-importance.”
Gyeoul cut me off. Tears were already dripping down, making round marks on the floor. I bit my lip tightly to avoid dissolving into tears. Then the droplets on my cheeks fell with a patter.
He was right. Who am I to matter so much? I shouldn’t have enough influence left to ruin you.
I knew that me completely disappearing from your life was the best thing for you, but I couldn’t do it. In the end, I was clinging to your kindness, sustaining my life.
You would be happy if I disappeared forever. Even now, I only wished for your unhappiness by your side. Why can’t I leave? This kind of love is just a burden to you.
There was no reason in the world for a love that the receiver felt disgusted by to exist. Rather, it had to be abandoned, eliminated, vilified, and erased.
“I’m sorry, Gyeoul.”
I crawled on my hands and knees towards you. Tears blurred my vision, but I managed to reach you. I pressed my forehead against your instep. I felt you flinch.
Even so, I couldn’t take it off. I deserved to be in the lowest position, and you deserved to be treated in the highest.
“Why are you constantly apologizing? Get up.”
“…In the end, I fell in love with you again.”
I know you’ll hate it, but I can’t stop. In fact, there hasn’t been a single moment when I didn’t love you, but now that feeling has finally leaked out and I’m asking you for it. I know I shouldn’t…
How much am I saying? I don’t know if I’m keeping my mouth shut or continuing to babble. I just hope this desperate inner self doesn’t reach you.
I rubbed my cheek against your foot. It felt like my warm heat was seeping into your cold foot. I was forcing what I wanted, using the excuse that Gyeoul wasn’t pulling away. My heart was beating so hard it hurt. The alcohol made it worse than usual.
“I know. You confessed last time too. I lied about remembering.”
Gyeoul’s hand gently touched my hair. He stroked it slowly, as if rummaging through it. My body stiffened as if even my tears had frozen. When I raised my head, you were smiling at me.
Why, why you. Why…
I panted so hard I could barely breathe. I missed this touch. It was like this that day too. Instead of kissing me, Gyeoul stroked my hair like this, for as long as I was satisfied.
“Is it okay for me to have these feelings and be by your side?”
“What are you going to do if it’s not?”
“…”
“Just stay and suffer. That’s the punishment I’m giving you.”
Gyeoul said it bluntly, but to me, it sounded like a very sweet whisper. That it’s okay to be by your side. It felt like he was telling me to love him as much as I wanted. If the punishment you’re giving me is just that, I could do it for the rest of my life.
I nodded. At least while I’m by your side, Gyeoul won’t go to anyone else. Knowing that made me happy enough to jump into the sea and die right now.
My heart was overflowing. In the end, I couldn’t hold back and lowered my head again. I pretended to touch my cheek to your foot and subtly turned my head. Our lips brushed. It was filled with deep reverence. Gyeoul’s toes twitched.
“Gladly.”
I won’t hide my love for you anymore. I couldn’t respond to your provocation to seduce you, but if you want my love, I can give it to you as much as you want. That was a very natural thing to do.
A sigh reached the top of my head. Gyeoul put his fingers through my hair and messed it up. I liked that touch very much. I liked it so much.
I grabbed your falling hand and leaned my reddened cheek against it. The heat transferred from my cheek to your cold fingertips. I didn’t want to let go of the soft sensation. I shouldn’t be doing this if I want to win your heart.
“You have such a variety of drunken antics. You’re going to regret it tomorrow.”
Even as he said that, he didn’t take his hand away. He didn’t stroke me, but he didn’t push me away either. If it’s this much distance. If you don’t hate me.
“…Do you hate it?”