By Zephyria “I don’t hate it.”
Thankfully, you answered my sudden question kindly. How many times have I been saved by you today? My lips trembled, and I nodded instead of speaking. I didn’t want to let go of this hand. Because it was the only one for me.
Fortunately, Gyeoul didn’t pull his hand away. He left me with my face buried in his hand and continued to speak.
“I don’t hate people for just this much. Of course, I hated the past you for a while, though.”
Not anymore.
A faint smile formed on my lips and then crumbled. Gyeoul, who forgives even this version of me, couldn’t stand the me from back then. A crack appeared in my well-made fake heart. I told myself it didn’t hurt that much, but in reality, it hurt terribly.
I bit my lip tightly to stop the tears from coming again, barely overcoming it with the pain. No one likes someone who cries when they haven’t done anything right.
“I’ll do better from now on. Really, I’ll try. Please, let me stay by your side.”
I felt like I could endure being cursed at, so I took out a piece of my sincerity. Because I felt like Gyeoul would let it slide gently now.
Gyeoul slowly pulled out his hand, which I was still clutching tightly while trembling. Was it a rejection? I felt a fear as if the world was ending. I couldn’t even open my eyes properly and felt faint from the sudden chill.
Did I misunderstand again and cross the line on my own?
At that moment, a strong pain was inflicted on both cheeks. He pinched my cheeks hard, stretching the skin. Surprised by the sudden sensation, my eyes widened.
Gyeoul spoke bluntly but smiled like a mischievous boy.
“I’ll see how well you do.”
Even the pain was sweet. My face was held, so I couldn’t nod, but my expression probably revealed all my inner joy. Gyeoul straightened his body, which had been bent to match my eye level, and began to clear the table.
I had just vowed not to let a single drop of water touch Gyeoul’s hands, but I couldn’t let Gyeoul clean up. I tried to get up quickly but lost my balance and hit my face on the floor. The embarrassment was greater than the pain.
“Kwon Yi-tae!”
Gyeoul was surprised and ran to me. I needed to get up, but my body wouldn’t move. I didn’t know if it was simply because I was embarrassed or if the intoxication I had forgotten about had suddenly rushed up.
I didn’t want to show him this pathetic appearance. I gradually felt pain in my face. Fortunately, my teeth hadn’t touched the floor.
He grabbed me to support my body. I would have been less embarrassed if he had ignored me, pretending not to notice. I had regained enough spirit to get up on my own, but somehow, I couldn’t raise my body. I didn’t know what kind of face to show Gyeoul.
“I’m, I’m okay.”
I mumbled with my face buried. Gyeoul’s touch paused for a moment and then slowly moved away. But seeing the last warmth that touched me trembling, it seemed he couldn’t hold back his laughter.
Go die, Kwon Yi-tae.
I barely supported myself with both arms and stood up. I couldn’t look at Gyeoul until the end. Why did I slip? No, if I had been a little more careful, I wouldn’t have fallen.
“Your face is red, Yi-tae. You don’t look okay at all. I’d believe it if a tomato asked to be friends with you right now.”
Gyeoul checked my face and finally couldn’t hold back his laughter, laughing heartily. It seemed like the first time I had seen him laugh so freely recently.
Crying, whining, begging, falling. I’m really doing all sorts of things.
I got up and silently cleared the table as if running away. There wasn’t a place on my knees or face that didn’t hurt, but more than that, I wanted to escape from this place quickly. But I couldn’t leave the cleaning up to Gyeoul, so I had no choice but to move even faster.
“I’ll do it. Go inside and rest. You have a schedule tomorrow.”
“Are you pushing me away so I can do well? Okay. I’ll clean up diligently.”
Gyeoul went straight into the bathroom without giving me a chance to deny it. Ha. A deep sigh escaped. I banged my head on the table. The area where I fell earlier hurt more than my head. How ridiculous must I have looked? I should be showing him only my best side.
It was a clean meal, and there wasn’t much to clean up. In the end, Gyeoul didn’t eat the carrot I gave him. Even that looked so shabby and pathetic now that I was glad he didn’t eat it.
Giving a carrot because I had nothing else to give.
It was like a cold, stale bungeoppang. Compared to the effort I put into it, the result was insignificant and worthless. It looked almost like a joke. Even I thought it wasn’t good. I just, you know, you just came to my mind from the little things.
I dumped all the remaining food into the trash can. The orange color quickly mixed with other colors and became unnoticeable.
Someday, I’ll be buried and disappear like this inside Gyeoul.
I took a deep breath. It felt like a rotten smell was rising. The inside was festering. A diseased love cried desperately. The sound of the pouring water barely covered the screams of my heart.
I’ll become a shameless person. Even if everyone in the world curses me, I could be prepared for that much if you accept me.
Yes, I couldn’t let you go. I had already tasted too much sweet kindness and couldn’t give up.
So, I have no choice but to be selfish…
∗ ∗ ∗
The phone rang early in the morning. I was so sleepy because I went to bed late yesterday, but who on earth is this rude person!
I rubbed my eyes and checked the caller. It was the person I had a promise with today. Since he wasn’t Korean, I couldn’t criticize him for not being a person from the polite Eastern country. Still, there’s a line, isn’t there? Calling from this time. I grumbled a lot.
Looking at the time, it was still much earlier than the appointment time. I’m sleepy. I want to sleep more. I would have been up normally, but I couldn’t get rid of the grogginess because I had a restless night yesterday.
I answered the phone with my voice still hoarse.
“What.”
Your reaction is as cold as your name.
“I’m sleepy. It’s too early.”
I buried my face in the pillow. My eyes were heavy. I pretended not to be yesterday, but I was also quite drunk. Seeing the very drunk Yi-tae, I sobered up. My stomach was churning due to the hangover.
Did you go to bed late yesterday? You were excited about the date.
Ian spoke in a gentler tone than usual.
I wanted to tell him that he was completely barking up the wrong tree, but I kept my mouth shut because he would obviously ask more questions. Delusions are free. Well, I couldn’t say it wasn’t completely like that.
Ian was also very clumsy. Who confesses with ‘I’ll give you a green card’? Even old dramas don’t say that. I was struggling to figure out how to answer.
Anyway, it means he likes me that much. I didn’t really feel it.
“So why did you call?”
What are you going to wear today?
“I haven’t decided yet.”
The annoyance subsided a bit at the tone full of excitement.
Well, what can I do if he likes me that much? I didn’t know when we were working, but looking at it this way, it was obvious that he was younger than me. He had been acting like a dating expert all along. Maybe he didn’t like me as much as he does now back then.
I could feel him moving busily over the phone. What’s so busy when there are still 4 hours left? It’s just going to an exhibition.
It’s become a date since I confessed, though. Do I have to match that? I’m tired.
I’m going to wear denim as a point.
“Uh-huh.”
Keep that in mind.
“Okay.”
I answered while half nodding off. My soul had long gone to dreamland. I had to avoid wearing blue at all costs. If I wore it like a couple look as he said, Ian would take it as a positive signal.
I really thought fiercely last night. I told Yi-tae that I wouldn’t date him, but I didn’t want to come to a conclusion too easily. Anyway, Ian was a grateful person. There were many things that would have been impossible without Ian until I adapted to this place.
You’re half asleep now. Am I the only one excited?
“I’m sleepy. Understand me. You called too early.”
……Okay. Don’t be late.
His voice was no longer heard over the speaker. I fell asleep with my phone tightly in my hand. In my dream, Yi-tae, who was 19 years old, came out, complaining that he didn’t want to eat carrots. Yi-tae kissed the carrot and started crying.
I kept watching because it was funny, but I woke up with a start when an earthquake occurred. Bright sunlight was pouring down through the window.
Yi-tae was crying earlier. Yi-tae is uncomfortable somewhere now.
“…Sorry for barging in. I thought you should get up.”Ah, Yi-tae is diligent.” He even takes care of other people’s appointments.”
That’s why his expression was like that. I habitually sneered. Actually, it was something I should have thanked him for. Somehow, I also became pouty like his face.
The guy who never crossed my bedroom doorframe came over for this.
I rubbed my lips and checked the time. It was a little past 10 o’clock. He was the biggest reason why I overslept today. In a way, it was all Yi-tae’s fault.
Yi-tae made my heart uneasy, and Yi-tae stimulated Ian.
‘How much are you trying to interfere in my life?’
I threw off the blanket and stretched. Anyway, it was the morning of the decisive battle.