By Zephyria There was a time when this trivial greeting was a natural part of everyday life.
Back then, Gyeoul would come home and plant a kiss on my cheek or lips. It was a distant memory I couldn’t even imagine now. As I took the bag from Gyeoul, a strange memory suddenly surfaced.
〈Are you going to… kiss?〉
I was completely drunk, my face buried in the desk, muttering. Gyeoul’s laughter seemed to echo from far away. The surroundings buzzed as if I were submerged in water. Could it be the memory of that day when Gyeoul said that?
The content of the memory was unsettling. Gyeoul, unaware that I had frozen, brushed past me and entered the house. He acted as he always did.
I was the one who first brought up ‘kiss.’ Was it not just Gyeoul teasing me? My complexion turned pale, then white, repeatedly. At that moment, the loosely tied apron strings came undone. Was it because I had tensed my body too much?
Gyeoul, oblivious to my condition, hummed as usual and headed to the dining table.
“Why did you make so many side dishes? I’m going to overeat today.”
I could tell he was excited even without seeing his happy steps. Gyeoul went into the bathroom, and I heard the sound of water running from the sink.
〈If you do it, you do it.〉
The faintly emerging memory became clearer. What do you mean, if I do what? If I just stand here, Gyeoul will think it’s strange, but my feet wouldn’t move. A little more… a more detailed memory was about to surface.
“Yi-tae.”
Gyeoul, who had come out of the bathroom, called me.
〈Yi-tae.〉
You in my memory approached and spoke. The image overlapped. I was sure we hadn’t kissed, but the fragmented memories seemed to deny that certainty and continued.
The real Gyeoul called me once more.
I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them to avoid confusing reality with fantasy. If we had really kissed, recalling it would not be a good choice. I rubbed my lips and then, startled, took my hand away.
I turned my head before he could see my face. I squatted down, pretending to organize the shoes in the shoe rack. Shoes smaller than mine were placed side by side. I straightened the crooked ones and stared at them.
If I cover up a mistake, will it really be as if it never happened?
I dusted off the dirt on Gyeoul’s shoes with my hand. My heart was in turmoil. I wish that incident could be brushed off so easily. But it was already in the past. There was no use trying to fix it now.
If I buried it like this, nothing would be different from before. I wanted to become a better person for you, but… does the essence not change?
I pressed my fingertips hard.
Gyeoul was standing behind me, I didn’t know when. The decision I had been delaying was made. If I was prepared, I had to do something. Instead of just muttering that things would change with words.
In a light tone, Gyeoul asked.
“Is there something on my shoes?”
“Gyeoul, did I perhaps ask you to kiss me back then?”
For a while, Gyeoul was silent. I couldn’t bring myself to turn around, so I just stared at the spotless white shoes.
In a trembling voice, he asked.
“You remember?”
It wasn’t a denial. It was like a death sentence. I felt like a tree struck by lightning and burning fiercely. I couldn’t lift my head. I tried my best to prevent it, but it had burst so severely.
How did you feel when you heard those words? How much did you hate it? And yet, how could you treat me so warmly? It must have been disgusting and repulsive.
“I hoped my memory was wrong… I shouldn’t be like that to you.”
Silence lingered. Only the sound of the air purifier circulated loudly. I didn’t know what face to make when I looked at Gyeoul. Should I beg him to endure just a little longer, since the project was less than two months away?
Shamelessly. Again.
“I forced you…”
I paused, unable to organize my words. Still, I didn’t seem to have demanded it forcefully in my memory. Please. So I wanted to believe that I hadn’t completely overturned this relationship.
Presumptuously. Recklessly. Such words were listed.
The desire to make you happy and leave even a little of me with you vanished in an instant. I just had to wipe away the filth that had stained you somehow. I had to clean it up and throw it away.
“My feelings must have leaked out. I had to hide it somehow. I didn’t force you, did I?”
My trembling fingernails dug into my palm. I couldn’t feel much. Confessing my sins was too much to bear. Was it right to say these feelings with my own mouth?
“Ah.”
A single syllable blocked my lips. At that moment, a small laugh followed. The sound grew louder and soon reached my ears.
“Yi-tae, I’m sorry to be serious, but I don’t think you remember everything.”
He patted my back and laughed loudly. I turned my head in a daze to check your face. The pleasant laughter tickled my insides. I was bewildered.
Gyeoul burst into laughter so much that tears welled up in his eyes.
“…Huh?”
A foolish sound came from my lips. Clear eyes, as if the fatigue had disappeared, were looking at me. Somehow, he felt more affectionate than usual, and I felt suffocated.
“I wanted to let you misunderstand because it was funny, but if I leave it like this, you’ll keep barking up the wrong tree, so I can’t. Back then, you were so drunk that you looked at your reflection in the glass and asked if you were going to kiss yourself.”
“…….”
“Well, I got to know your feelings well.”
I could feel Gyeoul holding back his laughter as he spoke. It was the worst. I hung my head. It was a statement that would have been better left unsaid. Why did I do that? You stupid bastard. Ah. It was a mess.
It was the moment when the efforts to create a good atmosphere shattered.
“S-Shall we eat?”
I tried to change the subject, but my throat was hoarse, and I made a strange noise. It was more serious than when I was 19 or 24.
As he said, it would have been better if I had remembered it myself. Hearing the words directly from Gyeoul’s voice was terribly indescribable. That’s why I shouldn’t drink. There were no good memories.
There was no need to doubt whether Gyeoul was joking. Because the moment he spoke, the memory of that time surfaced. This time, the words were purely true.
“Why are you so nervous today?”
My lips were parched. Could I properly reveal my inner thoughts in this situation? No, even if he already knew, saying it directly was a different dimension.
I broke out in a cold sweat from the tension.
“…….”
“Because you thought we kissed back then?”
My knees slowly touched the ground. I couldn’t say that I had just remembered. Because then he would ask for the reason again. In the end, I nodded. That was better.
How absurd would it be if the guy who made a mistake was jealous?
“……Yeah.”
“You did want to kiss, didn’t you? But my lips are too expensive, so no.”
Every word was a fatal blow. It felt like Gyeoul understood my heart even better than I did. I wanted to kiss you. That was a natural desire. The more I was with you, the more my sin faded.
Because you were kind, because you forgave me, because it was all in the past now…
“Are you going to, date that person?”
I was going to ask slowly while drinking in a good atmosphere later. Using the selfish excuse that I needed to know this to determine the direction. But it was just an excuse.
In front of you, I always became impulsive. I couldn’t tell what kind of answer you wanted anymore. It was miserable and tragic.
Then, Gyeoul gently grabbed my hair and pulled it up. My head was lifted. Even though it was a very weak force, I was helplessly swayed.
“I’m not there. Why are you seeing things when I’m still alive?”
Instead of an answer, he spat out other words. It was the first time in a while that I heard you speaking indirectly. Gyeoul only spoke that way to someone who angered him, or rather, to someone he was happy with. Perhaps this time I was the former.
I turned my head and faced you. As someone who had been exposed and stripped bare, there was nowhere else to hide.
“If you say I have to leave, I’ll leave right away. That’s why I asked.”
This was the best I could do. I pretended to be just light enough to like you but be able to step back very easily. I was ashamed.
Gyeoul tilted his head crookedly.
“I take responsibility for my words. I’m not going to kick you out, so stop worrying about nonsense and let’s eat.”
It was a slightly brusque tone. I was relieved by those words. A small hole was created in my seemingly blocked heart. Air flowed in and out through that hole.
Gyeoul turned and moved. He pulled out a chair, plopped down, and drank the wine in one gulp.
“Is this a declaration of war to die today?”
He said, putting the empty glass down with a thud.
I closed my mouth tightly, unable to say that wasn’t my intention because Gyeoul was too determined. The hem of the apron Gyeoul bought me was dirty. I grabbed that part and rubbed it, but it wouldn’t come off.