By Zephyria 
Since facing his own desires, Yi-tae couldn’t focus on anything. He couldn’t concentrate at all. He had decided not to be greedy, but in the end, he revealed it. It was too much to stop the overflowing emotions with just two hands.
Even this feeling would be terrible for Gyeoul.
Yi-tae couldn’t reply to Gyeoul’s message. He looked around and saw that Gyeoul was gone with Ian. Did they go together? He rubbed his dry face roughly with his hands.
Instead of feeling relieved that he could postpone the answer because Gyeoul wasn’t there, he was more curious about where they went. His jealousy was so ugly.
He wanted to bang his head against the wall. He felt like he would only come to his senses if his head was broken. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to shake off the feeling of being stuck at the bottom and this sense of disgust. He needed a strong shock.
‘The atmosphere was sweet…’
He remembered them joking around while sticking memos. It was as fluttery as spring. He dragged his heart, which was crawling through the mud, up. In the end, he couldn’t reply to Gyeoul and got up from his seat.
He had nowhere to go, but he started walking aimlessly. It wasn’t that he intended to check if Gyeoul was with Ian. He just… felt like he couldn’t relieve his anxiety unless he moved like this.
It would have been better if he hadn’t found them. At least then, he wouldn’t have to confirm their relationship. He could infer that Gyeoul had received a confession, but he didn’t know Gyeoul’s answer. Actually, even if he knew, there was nothing he could do.
He turned his steps, which were heading to the rooftop, towards the bathroom. Since the two of them had disappeared together, they might be on a date on the rooftop. It was something Yi-tae had wanted to do with Gyeoul someday.
He should just wash his hands and come out. He was about to open the door when Ian came out first. Fortunately, Gyeoul wasn’t visible through the open door.
“Going to the bathroom?”
“As you can see.”
The reason they treated each other like friends was very simple. Ian had quickly seized the gap when Yi-tae’s words became short and suggested that they treat each other comfortably.
Yi-tae knew that Ian was bringing up obvious things to start a conversation, but a blunt reaction came out automatically. Ian’s expression subtly hardened.
He shouldn’t be so narrow-minded.
“Help me with something.”
“What is it?”
“I want to marry Gyeoul.”
He said it in Korean, not English. The pronunciation was so fluent that it felt very foreign. It was a proposal that could be rejected with a simple ‘no,’ but Yi-tae felt a pressure as if someone was pressing down on his heart with their hand. He barely stopped himself from frowning at the merciless pain.
He was careful because he thought Ian would have looked around well, but he was worried that Gyeoul might be harmed by their private conversation.
Fortunately, the bathroom was empty. Didn’t Ian know that a strange foreign language would attract more attention? Yi-tae chewed on the inside of his cheek. He felt a stinging sensation, as if he had a wound.
He put on a calm face and said,
“…What can I do?”
“You’re closer to Gyeoul than I am. Gyeoul only cares about you that much.”
“…”
“I’m jealous and envious of that.”
Ian was a person who was honest with his emotions. But his words were wrong. Rather, the person Gyeoul cared about was Ian, not Yi-tae. He could tell from the look on Gyeoul’s face when he was lost in thought.
Ian was able to confess to Gyeoul. The past Yi-tae didn’t know how lucky that was. He even occupied the seat next to Gyeoul and blocked others from approaching.
“There’s nothing to be jealous of.”
After all, Yi-tae didn’t have a chance anyway. But he didn’t want to give him helpful advice on purpose. He felt resentful towards Ian, who had such a great opportunity but didn’t know it.
He wouldn’t help him. He would never say their relationship directly with his own mouth.
“Honestly, I don’t like you. I don’t like that Gyeoul calls you Yi-tae, and I don’t like that his eyes often turn to you. I hate that you’re next to him so much that I want you to live in our house. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about useless things.”
When he thought about it, it was a funny thing. He didn’t have the confidence to win Gyeoul’s heart, and he just wanted to get rid of the competitor next to him.
If he had watched, he would have known. There was no affection for Yi-tae in Gyeoul’s eyes. That was a truth that wouldn’t change even if a lifetime passed and he was about to die.
Right. The only thing Yi-tae could boast to Ian was that he could live with Gyeoul for a very short time by luck. But even that would disappear if Gyeoul’s conclusion led to a relationship with Ian.
So this was a bluff. It was a pathetic struggle of someone who had nothing.
“Then I must be better than you.”
Ah… This is really pathetic. Feeling a continuous sense of self-loathing, Yi-tae turned around and went outside. He wasn’t in a hurry to go to the bathroom anyway, so there was no reason to stay here any longer.
He was returning to the office when he saw Gyeoul coming down the stairs. Seeing him, the words he had just said came to mind, making him even more upset. Gyeoul likes him? It was a word that Gyeoul would be horrified to hear if he heard it.
“…Sorry.”
“Apologizing as soon as you see my face is a bit novel. Why, did you do something wrong?”
There was laughter in his voice. Fortunately, Gyeoul didn’t know this side of Yi-tae. He hoped he would never know. If Ian didn’t tell him, Gyeoul would never know what Yi-tae had said. But what if he did tell him? How dumbfounded and embarrassed would he be?
Yi-tae nodded slightly at Gyeoul’s question. It was a very big mistake. He had interfered with someone who might be dating Gyeoul.
“If it’s less severe than what you did in the past, I’ll let it slide. That’s okay. I can let it go. Is it more serious?”
A suspicious look reached Yi-tae. He shook his head in denial. It wouldn’t be that serious. It was just a bit of spite. Even that was empty because there was no opinion from the person involved.
Gyeoul stared at Yi-tae, as if trying to judge the truth. His eyelids fluttered.
Looking at those innocent eyes, Yi-tae couldn’t bear not to confess. After all, he would be with Ian all day tomorrow, so it was right for him to know.
Just in case Gyeoul might date him.
“…I was mean to Ian.”
“Good job.”
Gyeoul answered immediately with a composed look. The answer was so pleasant that Yi-tae had to wonder if he had misheard.
“You’re not mad?”
“Because he’s the person who confessed to me?”
His heart was beating fast. Ian would be passing by this way soon. He felt like his throat was being strangled, so he just nodded. It was hard to get an answer out. It was obvious that Gyeoul would hate it if someone bullied the person he liked.
So, even if it meant he would lose out, he wanted to take care of everything and blocked his birth mother from approaching instead. It didn’t matter if it was forced. As long as a harsh shadow didn’t fall on Gyeoul, efficiency and right and wrong didn’t matter.
“Yi-tae.”
“…Yeah.”
“I also like teasing you.”
What, that’s anticlimactic. The words that followed pierced his heart. Gyeoul, who was laughing lightly, lightly tapped Yi-tae’s arm with the back of his hand and passed by.
Yi-tae desperately pondered what he meant by those words. Did it mean that it was okay for the Ian he liked to be teased, or…?
He stood tall in the empty space alone. Just in time, there was a solid wall in front of him. Fortunately, no one appeared behind him. He sighed deeply and banged his head against it. A tingling pain spread across his forehead.
He had been trying to break the habit of self-harm as much as possible while living with Gyeoul, but there were times like this when he couldn’t stand it.
He covered his forehead, which was sure to be red, with his bangs and headed to the office. The courage to reply to Gyeoul’s chat was subtly rising.
‘Yeah, I want to eat together.’
It was a small heart he left for Gyeoul.
∗ ∗ ∗
Yi-tae left work early for the first time in a while. He was originally able to work from home, but it was ironic that he had insisted on coming to work, but for some reason, he wanted to leave early today.
He had plenty of time, so he thought he could make both the braised spicy chicken and the spicy pork that Gyeoul wanted to eat. He stopped by a nearby mart and bought a bottle of wine that Gyeoul liked. The alcohol content was quite high, but he didn’t hesitate.
Yi-tae already knew that the kiss Gyeoul had mentioned was a lie. If Yi-tae had really tried to kiss him, Gyeoul would have kicked his private parts without hesitation. Then the pain would have continued until morning.
He completely erased the assumption that Gyeoul wouldn’t have refused from his head. In the first place, if he had really done it, there was no way he would have forgotten. Even if his brain wasn’t functioning properly, there was no way that would have happened.
But he couldn’t stop his heart from beating just because he had made such a joke. He was looking forward to it. He couldn’t sleep at night thinking that Gyeoul might not hate him to the point of despising him.
“I’m home.”
The door opened. Fortunately, he had just poured wine into a glass.
He had committed such a foolish act based on the assumption that Gyeoul might be dating Ian. He knew he would regret it, but he still wanted to try.
“Welcome home.”