By Zephyria 
‘Can’t you just not go to him?’
The innermost thoughts were swept away by the waves, instantly engulfing everything. Honest feelings hotly consumed his mind. The unspeakable true feelings were so dirty and disgusting that he couldn’t possibly bring them out.
Me, jealous? That’s absurd. Just thinking about it made his stomach churn.
Yet, he couldn’t hold onto the fleeting feelings. Still, he didn’t want Yi-tae to be with Ian, and he didn’t want his love to leave him and stay elsewhere.
He pushed the fresh kimchi a little closer to Choi Gyeoul. The bowl was gradually showing its bottom. If he had known he would come back for dinner, he would have prepared a few more side dishes.
Only his pathetic side kept piling up. He just hoped he wouldn’t get caught by him.
“Want more?”
“No, I feel like my stomach’s about to burst.”
He scraped the last spoonful neatly into his mouth. Only the cleanly emptied bowls remained on the table.
It was late, so he should quickly clean up and get him to bed. He got up from his seat and gathered the empty bowls. Choi Gyeoul was looking up at him with a completely clear face.
“Yi-tae.”
“Yeah.”
Wasn’t he? Was he still not fully sober?
It felt like he had never been called by his name so often. The stacked bowls clattered. He could put up with this kind of drunken behavior any time.
Even though his heart pounded wildly every time he called his name, he liked even that feeling because it was given by him. He just really liked it. To a scary degree. He liked him. More and more. He was tormented because he couldn’t stop his heart.
He couldn’t meet his eyes and lowered his head.
“Don’t let me treat you carelessly.”
“…You can.”
“No. Don’t.”
He drew a firm line. An iron wall was erected before his eyes.
Choi Gyeoul, with steady steps, took the bowl in front of him and headed to the sink. It happened in an instant, and he couldn’t defend against it. He was as composed as if he had never been drunk.
‘Why… would you say that?’
Choi Gyeoul had never treated him like that. Even if he had, it was something he had forced into his hands, not something he wanted. Yet, he spoke as if he was deliberately being bad to him of his own volition.
I made you a bad person.
He was frozen and couldn’t move. His mind went blank. He had tried not to be his misfortune, but was he still his misfortune? He just wanted to be good to him. He just wanted to grant him anything.
“…I’m sorry.”
He wanted to be by his side. Shamelessly, selfishly, he just wanted to be by his side, so he was greedy. He should have refused. He shouldn’t have come. He shouldn’t have acted like a son of a bitch to him back then.
Don’t date… No, dating was the best thing he ever did in his life, so he wouldn’t regret it. Never.
At that moment, the flowing water stopped abruptly. Foam was clumped on his hands.
“That won’t do. Write a reflection on what you’re so sorry about. Everything, without missing a single thing.”
Choi Gyeoul smeared the foam on his hands on his face and smiled. He nodded, as if he didn’t want to make the atmosphere any heavier. The bubbling sound continued and then burst. Damp water ran down his face.
Is it right to end the conversation like this?
He still misunderstood himself, and if things continued like this, he would only be parasitizing on him. He didn’t want to leave it like that. He didn’t meet him to do this. He never intended to cling to his kindness and live on it.
What changes if I do this?
He was still committing wrongs against him, and the gentle him was forgiving endless sins. There was no reason to do that at all. Abandoning him was a much happier way.
Choi Gyeoul finished washing the dishes and shook his hands. Cold water droplets splashed.
He turned around without regret. He moved to the bathroom, intending to brush his teeth and sleep. At that moment, he barely grabbed the back of his clothes as he tried to leave. Choi Gyeoul’s clothes stretched out, and his body was forcibly stopped.
Somehow, his expressionless face looked at him. His heart froze coldly.
“Why?”
He asked in a calm tone.
He knelt down with a thud. It wasn’t his imagination that he felt more distant than usual. He had really pushed him away in his heart and drawn a line. The back of his neck felt chillingly tight. Cold sweat flowed.
What did he say wrong to ruin his mood?
Words flowed out incoherently. He didn’t even have time to think.
“You’ve never treated me carelessly.”
“……”
“So, I mean, I knew you wouldn’t, so… I’m sorry. I guess I took your kindness for granted. I was wrong. I’m sorry for ruining your mood. I’m sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong, but I…”
“Don’t you remember the day we drank?”
Choi Gyeoul, who had been staring blankly, said quietly.
That night he couldn’t remember. He didn’t even know what mistakes he had made, so he couldn’t even apologize. Choi Gyeoul was directly mentioning that day. His hair stood on end.
“I don’t, remember.”
I’m sorry. He swallowed the words that were about to come out.
What he vaguely remembered was the touch that patted him as he sobbed. And a soft touch. He couldn’t tell which part of his body it touched, but he only remembered that it was very cozy.
Choi Gyeoul spoke firmly, like a teacher giving homework.
“Then remember it. And talk to me again.”
But his expression wasn’t scary. Rather, it had a gentle air. The touch in his memory reached his shoulder. ‘Don’t cry.’ Choi Gyeoul’s clear voice was heard from afar. There was a subtle mix of laughter.
Choi Gyeoul left him and closed the bathroom door. ‘I’m taking off all my clothes and showering!’ An eviction order to get out leaked through the closed door.
He had been given another chance. This would definitely be the last one. His attitude, his voice, his expression told him.
So he had to remember it no matter what. Even if it meant shocking his head.
∗ ∗ ∗
Did I say it right?
His vision was spinning. He almost died trying to pretend to be okay. He wasn’t in his right mind at all. He didn’t even remember what he had said to Yi-tae. No! Actually, he didn’t remember.
He couldn’t tell if the water falling on his head was cold or hot. He closed his eyes tightly. The water was stinging. If it stings, it’s a shot. I don’t want to get a shot. What was I thinking about…
It’s already complicated enough, but Yi-tae is doing this too. It’s a complete disaster. If I wasn’t drunk right now, I would have given that head about a hundred knuckle sandwiches.
“You sucker!”
The scene of him begging for forgiveness was vivid in his mind. If he just cried here, it would be exactly like that day. He didn’t remember at all how much he had apologized. Why can’t you remember? You even confessed, you idiot.
Did you check your bank balance? Almost tens of millions of won would have disappeared. That day, he sent him money, saying he was sorry. Yi-tae’s strange gestures suddenly came to mind, and he held back his laughter. His mood, which had been a little low, quickly found its orbit.
〈Think about it properly. Dating is good too. Marriage is good too. I don’t want to lose you.〉
Another thought couldn’t stand it and invaded him. This time, it was the protagonist of a sudden declaration of confession. Ian’s desperate face was vivid in his mind. No, why are so many things coming to mind? It’s so complicated.
He reached for the shampoo, but his body tilted to the side. He shook his head to regain his senses. He had just put on all the airs he could in front of Yi-tae, so he couldn’t fall here.
Ah, a popular man. Choi Gyeoul, what are you going to do?
He rubbed his scalp and chuckled. He felt good just thinking about his fattened bank account. Ah, the soybean paste stew was delicious just now. I want to eat it again. No, if I drink some cool bean sprout soup, my stomach will calm down. Ah, what was I thinking about?
He leaned his head against the cold wall. The warmth of the water made him drunk faster.
He thought he had just closed his eyes for a moment and opened them, but he was lying on the bed. His hair wasn’t wet. He didn’t remember what had happened in the meantime. What was certain was that he had crawled to the bed without getting hurt anywhere.
He rubbed his face. It was moist, and it seemed like he had taken good care of his skin. His body also smelled of familiar body lotion. As expected, he did everything he had to do even when he was drunk.
He opened his eyes wide.
‘Did I do it?’
While linking the broken memories, he discovered a strange trace. For example, Yi-tae’s voice scolding him, ‘Stay still,’ when he rubbed his hair with a towel. Yi-tae putting him to bed and covering him with a blanket as he complained that he was sleepy.
Huh.
If this was the case, then the Yi-tae and him at that time were no different. Sleep disappeared in an instant. He looked at the clock and it was past 4 a.m. An alien noise was heard in the quiet night.
Bubbling. The sound of water boiling.