By Zephyria He’s drunk.
Gyeoul could usually handle his liquor pretty well. But to drink so much that he couldn’t even enter the password correctly.
I heard him grumbling, “Ugh…” as he pressed the numbers again, probably getting it wrong. For some reason, I didn’t want to open the door and check on him. Even though I knew it could be dangerous for him to be outside in that state.
Finally, I managed to move my uncooperative feet toward the entrance, and the door burst open.
“Oh, Yi-tae!”
Gyeoul smiled brightly, blinking slowly. He pointed at me with his finger, a puzzled look on his face. It was as if he didn’t understand why I was here.
“You didn’t come alone, did you?”
“Nope. Ian brought me, he did!”
His voice was excited. So, he was with Ian. At least he was with someone sensible enough to bring a drunk Gyeoul home.
He fumbled with his clothes, taking them off. His coat fell to the floor like a snake shedding its skin. Gyeoul, staggering, grabbed the wall for support. I quietly picked up his coat and draped it over my arm.
“Hey, Yi-tae!”
“Yeah?”
He seemed to be having trouble taking off his shoes, so I knelt down and carefully removed them. Gyeoul rested one hand on my shoulder, staring intently at me. His gaze was so intense that I kept my eyes fixed on his feet.
Silence hung in the air. Gyeoul, in such a good mood, was usually never quiet. It must be because I was ruining his mood.
“Don’t you get sick of me now?”
The sharply honed words flew into my heart and pierced it. It was the same thing I had said to him once.
When I looked up, his eyes were pure and innocent. There was no resentment, no revenge. Had he been harboring this question all along, while we were together? Mulling over the terrible scar I had left on him, without knowing how deeply it had wounded his heart?
Anything I said would be an excuse. No, I couldn’t even think of a word to defend myself. Because it was true that I had said that. In any case, the intention was the same.
Back then, I was so sick of life, and my hellish daily life was all about Gyeoul. All of it was tangled up, and I was sick of me, you, and life.
“No. You like me, Darling. You can’t be sick of me now. I don’t know what will happen later, though.”
He staggered but managed to walk inside on his own. He passed me indifferently. I couldn’t straighten my knees. Gyeoul’s long humming echoed from the open bathroom. The cold floor was my reality now.
It seemed that the memory of the past hadn’t upset him, thankfully. A scent, heavier and cooler than Gyeoul’s, lingered belatedly.
The emotion that you had judged me to have was disgustingly repulsive. I knew you had noticed, but…
“Yi-tae, I want some doenjang jjigae.”
Drunk Gyeoul called my name every time he spoke. It felt like going back to the old days. But there was no time to indulge in sentimentality. I had to get Gyeoul to bed first, and then I could regret it later.
Even though I had only been sitting for a short time, I walked resolutely to the kitchen with my legs numb. Gyeoul, having finished washing his face, rubbed his wet eyelashes. He could hurt his eyes if he wasn’t careful.
I gently grabbed his wrist and pulled it down. Gyeoul didn’t even seem to notice that I had touched him, calling my name with an innocent face.
“Yi-tae, Yi-tae.”
“Yeah.”
“The world is spinning. Is there something wrong with my eyes? This is a disaster. Oh, but why is Yi-tae at our house? I’m so glad to see you!”
He was getting more and more talkative as his drunkenness increased. I gently took his shoulders and sat him down on a chair. If he drank this much, he would definitely have a bad hangover tomorrow. Fortunately, there was honey in the refrigerator, so I could make him some honey water.
I put the warm glass in his hands. Gyeoul drank it obediently.
His eyes fluttered as sleepiness washed over him. He had just drunk something sweet, so he would have to brush his teeth again. But I couldn’t even think that far ahead. Still, it would be better than him suffering tomorrow with an upset stomach.
“What do you think it would feel like if I married someone else?”
“……”
“I still think I’d feel weird if you got married.”
I’ve been confessed to. Is he even thinking about marriage? He must have been considering it. Then I…
‘I’d have to disappear.’
My resolve was thrown to the ground. It was such a flimsy vow. I felt like I was falling into a dark, sticky swamp. It was passing my ankles, my calves, sinking me down. I felt like I would be submerged forever in the rising wetland.
I took the empty cup from his hands and placed it on the table.
“Just go to sleep.”
“I want doenjang jjigae. It smells so good.”
“You shouldn’t eat anything before bed.”
“Then I won’t sleep. I want to eat.”
His eyes shone brightly. They were so clear, as if he hadn’t been sleepy at all. It had been a long time since he had been this drunk, and it was endearing. I hadn’t seen him act like this since he became an adult.
I wanted to give him everything he wanted. He shouldn’t eat right before bed. He shouldn’t. But my body moved on its own.
“Wait here. I’ll heat it up.”
“Okay!”
Seeing Gyeoul smile so brightly warmed my heart.
I turned on the gas and listened to him humming. He must have eaten enough already, but would he need rice too? I had intentionally made it a little salty. I stirred it with a ladle. Fortunately, the tofu didn’t break apart.
I also had some freshly seasoned kimchi. He would definitely like it.
“Are you going to eat rice too?”
“Yeah. Yi-tae, give me a lot. A lot.”
“Aren’t you full?”
“I purposely ate less.”
You knew how to captivate people. That one word left so many things as assumptions, dominating my mind. Along with the obvious expectations, like the fact that you thought of me while you were with that person.
I ladled the steaming stew into a bowl. I also scooped about half the amount of rice I usually ate. I also prepared some side dishes, making it a full dinner. Gyeoul started to get up to help me, but I quickly sat him back down. He still smelled strongly of alcohol. He definitely wasn’t sober yet.
“Wow! That looks delicious!”
It was an exclamation like a child’s. He was as excited as a child in front of a delicious ice cream. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment because he was so cute. Gyeoul became so affectionate when he was drunk. I didn’t know because we rarely drank together.
I discovered a side of him that I hadn’t known even after spending so much time together. I felt a pang of self-loathing every time. Since when had I been overlooking your aspects? I blamed myself for those lost moments.
Gyeoul, contrary to saying he was dizzy, accurately scooped up the stew with his spoon and put it in his mouth. His eyes widened. He always showed his emotions, but not to this extent.
Cute.
“Is it good?”
“Yeah. It’s sobering me up.”
His voice was calmer, as if what he said was true. The excitement had disappeared. Gyeoul mixed the rice into the stew and ate it slowly. He moved his chopsticks with refined gestures. The staggering figure was nowhere to be seen.
I watched him and picked up my spoon. I hadn’t had an appetite until just now because I was making the food, but somehow I was hungry. It was probably because I hadn’t eaten anything since lunch. Was that why my stomach hurt?
I watched Gyeoul’s face as I ate. Even though he had drunk so much, he looked comfortable. I was relieved.
“If I hadn’t eaten this today, I would have thought about it even in my sleep.”
Gyeoul’s eyes were curved in a smile. Your smile was more valuable than any reward. I nodded slightly. I didn’t want to miss this moment because it was so precious. Especially if there were no more chances…
I wanted to ask. But I didn’t deserve to.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For enjoying the meal.”
I left a bland greeting. I could feel Gyeoul’s gaze scrutinizing my face. What a greedy being I am. I was hoping for more than what you gave me.
I had to give up. I couldn’t act stupid. I had to treat you with a clear mind, wish for your happiness, and desire your love.
That was the value of my remaining life.
I bit my tongue hard. The pain jolted me awake. I didn’t need courage to hurt my own body. But it was so difficult to talk to you.
“I’m sorry, but I’m not getting married. I think you’re misunderstanding.”
“Ah…”
“How about dakdoritang for dinner tomorrow? Oh, and I want to eat bean sprout soup in the morning too. Can I be like this with you?”
You were confident. Even brazen. That’s why I liked you even more. I was falling deeper and deeper in love with you every moment. Could I love you more than this?
I hated myself for being relieved by those words. A resentment beyond hatred came over me. But I knew that you were deliberately asking me for things because it was your kind consideration for me, who was blaming myself.
I didn’t know how not to love you.
“Yeah, you can.”
You can act even worse than this. I’ll do everything for you. Anything. So…