By Zephyria Even with my lingering drunkenness, I could tell it was a very late hour to be making food. Especially since I would have only gotten a few hours of sleep if Yi-tae took care of me.
Since I was wide awake anyway, I threw back the blanket and left the room. The steady bubbling sound felt cozy. Ah, I see. It was the smell of bean sprout soup. The one I had been craving so much that I kept asking you to make it. It reminded me of how you used to make it for me often.
In the kitchen, which was right in front of me, a tall man was moving busily.
He didn’t seem to expect me to wake up, as he didn’t turn around. He moved very carefully, making sure the ladle didn’t hit the pot.
I leaned against the doorframe, taking in the peaceful scene. For some reason, I felt a warmth filling a corner of my heart. It was the warmth of a person I had forgotten. An emotion I hadn’t properly felt since losing someone precious.
I missed it. I guess I had been lonely for a long time.
There was always an emptiness that couldn’t be filled alone. Even if it wasn’t Yi-tae, I wouldn’t have felt this way if anyone had given me this kind of fuss. I decided to believe that.
‘What are you so sorry for when you’re overdoing it like this?’
The memories of yesterday belatedly came to mind. Yi-tae’s expression as he knelt and clung to me. I couldn’t forget the tremor in his voice as he argued that I wasn’t a bad person.
I moved my feet slowly. He could at least chop the vegetables comfortably. The sound of the knife hitting the cutting board was very faint. It would take him several times longer. I couldn’t find any of the efficiency that Yi-tae used to like.
It was an action that only considered me.
“Just a little chili. My stomach hurts.”
Yi-tae was so startled that he accidentally slammed the knife down on the cutting board. His hand almost got cut. I was horrified and grabbed Yi-tae’s hand, checking it thoroughly. Fortunately, he wasn’t hurt. He stood there, entrusting his whole body to me.
“Did I wake you up because I was being noisy?”
Things that hadn’t bothered me before started to bother me. Like how he was trying to take all the blame, like his completely shattered self-esteem. Yi-tae was always full of guilt and chattering timidly.
“No. I just wanted to wake up. It’s not because of you.”
I replied curtly.
I really didn’t like this side of him. It was too unfair for him to take responsibility for things he didn’t even do wrong. Even if he had done something wrong in the past, I had already forgiven him. Does he only feel sorry when he sees me?
‘We’re not getting back together, so we can bury that past.’
I didn’t have the slightest intention of ignoring your efforts.
Yi-tae nodded even at my quarrelsome tone. You idiot, what are you understanding again? Anyone could see that I was just picking a fight for no reason.
He gently pushed me away.
“Go back in and sleep more. You must be tired.”
“What about you?”
“Huh?”
“Aren’t you tired?”
Your life, filled only with worrying about me, will eventually tire you out as easily as before. There’s no way you can enjoy a life where you’re pulling your life to the maximum, even giving yourself up for others. I didn’t know that. That’s the only thing I regret.
I wanted us to be in a relationship where we shared the burden. I wanted to always be a source of support for you as a companion in life.
But I’ll blame you for hiding even this. Because that’s what you want. And if it makes you feel better, I can resent you as much as you want.
…Is he even getting enough sleep? Looking closely, there were dark circles under his eyes.
“Ah, I’m okay.”
What could Yi-tae say if you took away ‘Yeah, I’m okay. I’m sorry’ from him? He probably wouldn’t be able to say anything. And then he would just smile prettily, satisfied with that answer. As if he was endlessly happy.
Looking at him closely, it wasn’t that his complexion had improved. It was just that his expression was brighter, making it look that way as an optical illusion. His rough skin was like tree bark, and his dark circles were so bad that pandas would come to befriend him.
“You look ugly right now.”
I couldn’t help it, even though I knew you’d be shocked. No, I actually wanted you to take care of yourself first, starting with this statement. Because you always try to fix things when I say something mean.
Yi-tae’s pupils trembled. His heart was so transparent.
He didn’t know what to do and moved his lips. He had a stupid face like a goldfish in an aquarium. He groped his cheek with the hand that wasn’t being held. His pale face looked like he was quite shocked.
“Sorry. I’m, you don’t want to see me. I’ll cover it up somehow.”
Why do you keep putting yourself down?
My heart was scratched. I was a little upset. I must have cherished Yi-tae more than I imagined. The you in our shared memories wasn’t a lie. Maybe I’m just trying to separate and remember only your good side. Still…
Reason couldn’t overcome emotion.
I was very upset. I didn’t want to see you, whom I once loved, crumble with mediocre self-deprecation.
It wasn’t like in some drama where I let you go to be happy with someone else, and I could never have that kind of heart, but I hoped you would be happy someday. Even if it wasn’t as much as when you were with me. I loved you that much completely.
“Why can’t you act your age? You look the best you’ve ever looked. Of course, right now your skin is dry and looks like a rotten apple, and your eyes are sunken like sinkholes, so you look ugly.”
I squeezed the hand holding my wrist tightly. Yi-tae tried to subtly turn his left hand and pull it out. He had an uncomfortable expression, as if he had something to hide.
I quietly examined his eyes, which were filled with anxiety and unease. Are you uncomfortable with me touching you? You of all people?
It was arrogant, but I was sure. The current Yi-tae wouldn’t hate anything I did. Even if I pushed you off the veranda right now, you would never resent me.
I rubbed his skin with my thumb, meaning for him to stay still. A bumpy, unfamiliar sensation ran through my fingertips. I got goosebumps for no reason. It was a trace I didn’t know. Of what?
You didn’t have this when we were dating.
“You…”
I was about to lower my head to check, but Yi-tae hurriedly pulled his hand away. He seemed to take advantage of the moment when my grip loosened due to the strange sensation.
He carefully pulled down his sleeve. An awkward atmosphere lingered on his face. I didn’t want to have negative suspicions. No, I hoped that would be the case. Even if you cheated on me and deceived me, it wasn’t a mistake worth dying for.
“It’s not, is it?”
Yi-tae didn’t say anything. He didn’t nod, nor did he say no. He was silent, holding only his wrist like someone whose secret had been revealed.
Then I’ll misunderstand.
“Yi-tae, tell me. No, if you don’t want to say it, show me. Let me check it myself. Give me your hand.”
He hid his wrist behind his back. Then he accidentally hit the knife, and it fell to the floor. It was a dizzying moment. Fortunately, it didn’t fall vertically, so he wasn’t hurt, but my heart almost stopped for a moment.
Do I have to force him to show me when he doesn’t want to? He’s okay right now. It feels like it would be crossing the line to force him any further here. …Still.
“Sorry. I don’t think I can show you.”
For the first time in a long time, he refused firmly. That was shocking. Yi-tae’s lips were still pale. Did he even realize he almost got seriously hurt just now? He didn’t seem to care about that. He treated his own life worse than my lunch box.
“…Okay. But get enough sleep. You don’t have to make breakfast for me.”
“No. I’m not tired. I’ve just been sleeping less lately. I got enough sleep before coming out.”
“You have insomnia too?”
Everything he said was a sight to behold. I never wished for you to fall apart this much. What was so hard that you broke down like this? I squeezed my eyes shut. My stomach repeatedly boiled and froze.
I wish I had been drunk instead of sober.
I opened my eyes and turned off the gas stove, which was about to boil over. Yi-tae never let go of his wrist, as if he was holding some precious treasure. It’s not like I’m going to force him to show me, me.
“I’m really okay. Still, I’m sleeping quite a bit these days.”
“Since when?”
“…Not long ago. About 3 months.”
Exactly since I met you after leaving Manhattan. It’s because of me. Yeah, I ruined you.
For some reason, I became calmer. I thought it was possible since you were ruined by me. I’m crazy too. I took a deep breath.
“What was it like before that?”
“I used to sleep too much, and sometimes I didn’t sleep at all… There’s such a thing as a total amount of sleep. Like developers, my sleep pattern collapsed. It’s nothing.”
I could see that he was trying to say it lightly. Unconsciously, you touched your wrist again. This was the reason why you were wearing long sleeves. In this hot weather.
How many more big secrets are you hiding from me? Are you even going to reveal them? You’ll just hide them without pretending to know. Because we’re allowed to do that.
“It’s something. Don’t make me food anymore. It’s forbidden.”
A special measure was needed. If he considered giving to me as happiness, I was going to take it away. This was the biggest revenge I could take on you.
My heart softened, and I didn’t know how to become more cruel. I didn’t want to.