By Zephyria 
‘When will he be back?’
I finished cleaning the house and made nine side dishes, but Gyeoul still hadn’t returned. The sunset was already fading.
I felt a deep sense of self-reproach, but I went outside to meet him. I didn’t feel this way even when I was preparing to send him to someone else. Here I was, standing in front of the apartment with grocery bags, pretending to be waiting for a chance encounter with Gyeoul, who I didn’t even know when he’d be back.
It had already been an hour since I started doing this.
I was glad the weather was nice. It would have been hard to walk around if it had rained. A confession on such a perfect day. Was even the weather helping Ian?
‘He’s late.’
When I thought back to when I confessed, it seemed to have been very cloudy. Ambiguous droplets, neither rain nor snow, were scattering, and the last exam before vacation was in full swing. The required liberal arts course had easy questions, but it seemed difficult to get an A.
Considering the ruined discussion score, I needed to write more on the answer sheet.
No matter how hard I racked my brain, I couldn’t think of anything else, so I ended up submitting the half-filled paper. I didn’t remember the teaching assistant’s expression as he scanned the answer sheet. It probably wasn’t good.
I turned on my phone to check the time, and Gyeoul would probably be out in about an hour. He told me to go back first if my exam finished early, but I intended to wait for him. This semester would be the last time I could see him.
I headed towards the economics building, getting hit by sleet. Gyeoul said he had a major exam left.
A cold droplet fell on my nose. My heart felt cold. No, I just… wanted to cry. I wouldn’t be able to hide my tears with this light rain.
〈I broke up.〉
A week ago, Gyeoul said with a gloomy face. He suddenly called me out to drink, handed me a cola, and drank beer. He said he didn’t need to drink soju, but he seemed to have a hard time shaking off his gloomy mood.
How many breakups is this now?
New people stayed by your side and then left. I had completely taken over your side as a friend, but I was just a time bomb waiting to explode.
〈But this one is a bit tough. Maybe it’s because she broke up with me first.〉
Gyeoul scratched his head roughly. He leaned over the blue plastic table as if collapsing. It was already his third can, so he should have been getting full.
He always called me to drink after breaking up. Even though he knew a lot of people, he only looked for me when he broke up or started dating. Still, I felt relieved that I was still someone he needed.
Was it easier for you to talk because I wasn’t your romantic partner? Maybe that was it.
Seeing you sad made my heart ache as if it were tearing apart. You really loved that person a lot. I didn’t know. I wish I had never known.
In the end, I pretended to be indifferent and asked you. I wanted to hear the reason. Why did you break up when you were so desperate?
〈Why did you break up?〉
〈She said my love was too light. Like a balloon, like it would fly away or something.〉
Gyeoul gulped down his beer. He put the empty can on the floor, as if he had finished it. Then he opened the last can. He had already drunk enough…
Gyeoul closed his eyes and muttered her name. Seeing that, I couldn’t stop him. He really looked like he was having a hard time.
I didn’t even know what his ex-girlfriend looked like. The price for deliberately avoiding your relationships had come. How pretty and good of a person was she that you missed her so much?
〈But you’ll be by my side until the end, right? Right, Yi-tae? Huh?〉
That made me suddenly get goosebumps. How long could I endure this? Even after being this sad, Gyeoul would eventually meet someone new and date them. He would somehow find the good parts of the other person and like them. And I would have to watch that by your side.
I felt dizzy. This was the limit. What would you do if I confessed to you? Would you be as sad as you are now? Or would you despise me and distance yourself? You might feel betrayed and curse me.
Of course, considering Gyeoul’s personality, that wouldn’t happen.
In the end, Gyeoul said he didn’t have enough alcohol and bought soju, drinking it straight from the bottle. That day, as I carried the completely drunk and passed out Gyeoul to his house, I decided to confess to you. Because I couldn’t take it anymore. Because my heart was overflowing.
I couldn’t be by your side as a friend anymore.
And today was the day of that decisive battle. Of all days, it was cloudy, and of all things, ambiguous droplets that were neither snow nor rain were falling, and of all things…
I strongly felt that it wasn’t a day to confess. Actually, I wanted to find another reason, even though I knew I would be rejected anyway. So maybe today was the best day for me. There were so many reasons why it wouldn’t work out.
The hair I had worked so hard to set was all coming undone. Even in this rain, the weather was humid, so it wouldn’t stay in place with hairspray.
I shook off the water droplets on my hair. The winter wind was cold, but I could handle this much. I needed to cool down my heated head.
How much time had passed? I could hear loud conversations from inside. At the center of it was Gyeoul.
‘Ah… he might have plans after he finishes.’
I hadn’t even anticipated that. I should have known when he told me to go first. Another reason to be rejected had been added.
Gyeoul walked over with a happy face, as if he had found me. Sorry for making my friend wait. I could hear voices refusing him one after another.
〈Did you wait long?〉
〈…No. Don’t you have plans?〉
I carefully brushed off something that was on Gyeoul’s hair and asked. Gyeoul narrowed his brows slightly and shook his head.
〈Would I make other plans when I have a prior engagement with you?〉
Judging by his expression, he didn’t want to be dragged away by them. I was relieved. My waiting had been helpful to you. Even though I was about to give you more burden by confessing. Maybe I would become more annoying than them. Because I would make things difficult for you.
Gyeoul firmly opened the umbrella and handed it to me. Since I was taller, it had become a familiar rule for me to hold it. I was already all wet, but Gyeoul didn’t seem to care at all.
〈I’ll contact you. Don’t ignore me and answer.〉
〈Okay.〉
I waved my hand and started walking.
Our shoulders bumped under the narrow umbrella. My heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was shaking my organs. I could smell Gyeoul’s scent so clearly.
I gripped the umbrella tightly. My shoulder was getting wet, but I didn’t care about that much. Gyeoul yawned, as if he was tired. It was a natural result since he had stayed up all night studying.
…Maybe today isn’t the day after all.
But today can’t pass. I was afraid that you would be troubled by my confession and have trouble sleeping. I wanted you to think about it for a long time, but I didn’t want you to have a hard time because of it.
A confession to be rejected. What a stupid decision this is. It’s like kicking away even the position of a friend with my own feet.
〈Gyeoul.〉
〈Yeah.〉
〈I like you.〉
I confessed my feelings calmly.
It wasn’t something that would drag on for long anyway. Because I would be rejected. Because that was obvious. Gyeoul didn’t like me. I might be precious as a friend, but we couldn’t be lovers. Never.
I wanted you to reject me quickly. No, I wanted you to think about it for a long time.
Since I won’t be here tomorrow anyway, I won’t be able to hear your answer until I come back… until I have the courage to meet you again.
〈I’m asking because the timing is so sudden, but what do you mean by that?〉
〈I’ve liked you for a long time. Not in a friendly way.〉
〈So. You want to date me?〉
〈…Yeah.〉
I couldn’t bring myself to look at Gyeoul’s expression, so I just looked straight ahead. I was afraid I would get hurt if I saw any signs of dislike. Gyeoul was silent for a while. But since he stopped walking, I had no choice but to stop too.
How embarrassed must you be? If I hadn’t confessed, nothing would have changed. If I could have endured it.
〈Yi-tae. I’m so embarrassed, can I answer you later? I’ve never thought about it…〉
I nodded, seeing the troubled look on your face.
Sorry, I won’t be here from tomorrow. Can I postpone that answer for a while? You never know. Maybe when I come back, I won’t like you anymore. Maybe it’s such a shallow love.
My face turned bright red with embarrassment. I lowered my head. I felt like I was going to cry, but I bit my lip tightly and barely held it in. Rather, I felt relieved by your decision. Because that meant you were taking it that seriously.
〈I was going to watch a movie or hang out at home with you, but I guess not today.〉
The grumbling voice gradually faded. It was time to wake up from the memory.
In the distance, I could see Gyeoul returning with a bouquet of flowers. Ian was nowhere to be seen.
He came back alone. Holding flowers.
I didn’t know what it meant, so I just kept looking at him for a long time. Gyeoul’s eyes slowly curved as he found me. A bright smile was directed at me.
My heart was pounding violently.