By Zephyria “I don’t like him.”
However, no matter how long I pondered, my answer wouldn’t change. Yi-tae was still precious. I could just think of it as a fight with a 14-year friend. Even if that friend had done something terribly wrong, I thought it would be okay if it was something that would never happen again.
So, it was true that this feeling was precious because it was closer to friendship than love. If Ian was asking about the whereabouts of my heart, it wasn’t directed at Yi-tae. Rather, it was hidden inside me, full of fear.
Was it because my words were so firm? Ian’s expression gradually relaxed.
“I’ve liked you longer… I was doing childish jealousy. Because you were especially kind to him. It was different from how you treat me.”
There was a hint of complaint. Was it really that different? It couldn’t be completely the same, but I thought I treated him pretty similarly. Maybe if I acted more gladly towards Yi-tae, it was probably because of long habit.
Because he was my ex-lover. It was hard to easily fix a behavior that had become ingrained. The way you treat a friend and an ex-lover can’t be the same after all. I guess that showed subtly. I should have been more careful. I hoped that no one noticed except Ian.
I awkwardly replied to his words.
“I didn’t know. Is it because he’s an old friend?”
“……”
It was a weak excuse. Ian’s expression wasn’t very good, as if he had noticed that. No matter how much he liked me, he couldn’t dig up someone else’s past to make excuses.
Ian hesitated, lowered his head, and asked quietly.
“If we’ve been together for a long time, will you look at me with those eyes too?”
What kind of eyes?
I resisted the urge to ask back. I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know what kind of eyes I looked at Yi-tae with. The two lovers were looking down at us. Fortunately, there was no one around yet, but I didn’t know when someone would come.
It was the last piece, and I even heard a good explanation, so I had no regrets about the exhibition.
I didn’t like seeing anyone looking dejected. I grabbed his arm and moved us away. The piece had reached its perfect conclusion within me. Moreover, I couldn’t avoid his question twice.
Looking straight ahead, I replied.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what kind of eyes I look at Yi-tae with.”
Ah, I made a mistake. It wasn’t strange that I knew Yi-tae’s real name, but I called the name of the person he was jealous of too casually.
Ian’s steps came to a sudden halt. He was bigger than me, so it was impossible to forcibly drag him along. Eventually, I stopped and turned to look at him.
“You really don’t know?”
“……”
“It was the first time I saw you looking at someone with those eyes. That’s why I became more impatient.”
“It’s because we have a lot of memories. We had a big fight a long time ago and didn’t see each other for a while, but now, as you can see, we’re fine.”
I felt suffocated. I felt like a big rock had fallen on my chest, blocking me up. I groped and rubbed that area. I took a deep breath.
What kind of eyes are those anyway? You have to tell me so I know!
Ian raised his eyebrows with an expression that said he had a lot to say. He seemed just as frustrated. It was something different from others. Should I have said we were closer to being enemies?
“Gyeoul.”
“Why.”
“My Noona said that too.”
“Noona?”
It was the sudden appearance of a new character. Ian continued to speak as if the mention of his Noona was very natural.
“The artist of this exhibition. Before she remarried her husband, she always said that. We’re just friends now. I can’t let him go because of the memories, but I don’t love him. It’s okay. Don’t worry.”
“……”
“Did you date Sirius?”
It was a statement that went far beyond sexual orientation or prejudice. In Korea, even though we lived together for five years, no one suspected anything. It was a very open country. I easily inferred.
In fact, I was surprised by the statement that was so correct, but I calmly managed my expression. It was ambiguous to say yes or deny it.
Ian spoke to me as if I were his Noona. It wasn’t the same at all. I didn’t marry Yi-tae, and I can’t completely trust Yi-tae’s words, but he said he didn’t cheat on me either. There was also quite credible evidence to back it up.
I didn’t know how I was treated at the company, so of course I couldn’t help but misunderstand. I have to go pick up the Head of department. The Head of department told me to work overtime. If I had just said these things, I wouldn’t have felt the misery of spending all that time with someone else.
I was unknowingly defending Yi-tae. Ian persistently waited for my answer. There was no compromise.
“…Why do you think so?”
“Because it makes sense that you know each other so well.”
Did it show that much? Ian seemed to have already drawn a conclusion from my question. I didn’t have the confidence to act shamelessly. In the end, I didn’t say yes or no. But that was enough of an answer.
Ian told me to wait a moment and sat me down on a chair. Then he disappeared somewhere.
By the way, it was his Noona’s exhibition. Then what would she think after hearing the review I told him?
〈This artist’s love is too desperate. It’s nothing special.〉
〈…Don’t you think it’ll change when you meet someone you love?〉
〈Is your love like that too?〉
〈Yeah.〉
Even when he was maliciously spitting out words full of distrust, Ian liked me.
My head was too complicated. I would rather quickly reject his confession and have time to think alone. So much information was exchanged even though we didn’t talk much. Yi-tae must have been caught about the cohabitation fact like this.
From afar, Ian walked towards me with his hands hidden behind his back. Anyone could tell that there was a bouquet of flowers behind him. Even in this situation, I held back my laughter because the sight was so funny.
Because Ian’s expression was extremely serious. I pretended not to know and started talking.
“Was the bathroom line long? It took a long time.”
“……A little.”
It was even funnier that he didn’t deny it. I tried my best to hold back the laughter that was about to burst out. If I had feelings for you, it would have been a very exciting moment. I was sorry that I couldn’t.
No matter how hard Ian tries, I will never love him.
That’s how it’s been with the relationships I’ve had so far. Moderate feelings soon led to a quick breakup. The first person I gave love to betrayed me. Even though he loved me longer.
So I thought I was exhausted and worn out…
I waited for Ian to confess. He wouldn’t keep his hands behind his back forever.
He took a deep breath and slowly moved his hands forward. A perfectly harmonious bouquet of flowers was presented in front of me.
“I like you. I should have said this first, but it was too late. I liked you so much… I was scared. I was afraid you’d reject me.”
He reached out and brought the bouquet closer to me. I accepted that sincerity without hesitation. It was very grateful that he liked me.
His hands were still shaking. It was the first time I saw him so nervous. Even at this moment, I was sorry for recalling familiar pasts. There was still no room for anyone else in my heart. No one. Not Ian, not Yi-tae.
“Thank you.”
“I made it myself. Thinking of you.”
“You did a good job. You have talent.”
I looked at the bouquet again. I thought he bought it. He was that skilled. Then did he make it himself, leave it here, and pick it up? It was wonderful, making the previous miserable confession pale in comparison.
Should I say I’m sorry? I need to reject him when the conversation continues. I just stared at him. Ian couldn’t even make eye contact with me and his face was turning bright red.
Unlike his feelings of liking me, he was still very handsome.
“I know you don’t like me. But it’s okay. So if you ever need me, look for me anytime. Even if it’s not now.”
“……”
I was only thinking about rejecting him. I was speechless at the unexpected words. Maybe I was mistaken that Ian might not be that sincere.
Because his confession at that time was too light. But there was even more weight hidden in it.
“Because I’ll still be loving you then. I wanted to beg you to kiss me, but I’ll hold back. I don’t want to make things difficult for you.”
The heart disguised as simplicity overflowed with resignation. I felt even more sorry because I couldn’t give any positive answer to that. I’ve rejected many people so far, but it was different from now. It was just that much sincerity…
Would Ian like it if I said I was sorry?
So I took out my sincerity and answered. There was no exaggeration or lies mixed in. It was purely sincere.
“If that time really comes, I’ll do my best to face it too. I don’t have the time for that right now. I like you as a friend. That’s all.”
“I know. We’re going to eat, right?”
Ian smiled and said that now. I nodded at his question. The bouquet, which was a little bigger than my face, still had a sweet scent. I’ll get attention wherever I go with this.
But the worry didn’t last long. I nodded in response to Ian’s suggestion.
I can’t accept his heart, but I think it’s okay to have a meal together. Especially if this is his best.
I left the exhibition with the bouquet. The pouring sunlight was still warm.