By Zephyria 
〈Uh… uh… contact… uh?〉
Kwon Yi-tae finally took out his phone from his back pocket and held it right in front of his eyes. He frowned deeply as if his vision was blurry and tapped the screen wildly.
〈Why, can’t see… blurry….〉
I watched his actions quietly. I see. Yi-tae hadn’t looked at his phone even once during all this time.
Ha.
How could he do that? How could he be so distracted by that Hubae?
〈…Didn’t look, huh.〉
〈Uhh, that’s… right….〉
Yi-tae nodded obediently. His cheeks flushed red as he got more drunk. He grabbed his shirt and flapped it as if his body was hot. Looking closely, the second button was missing.
The second hand of the clock spun rapidly. The time that had passed would not come back. I couldn’t even tell what crossroads I was hesitating at anymore.
What kind of relationship do you have with that person?
The question, like a thorn stuck in my chest, caused inflammation. It was stinging and itchy… How long could I endure it? The lesion would only get bigger. Choi Gyeoul, you’ve already experienced it. I could just pull it out right now. I could, but…
I asked Yi-tae one last question.
〈Do you remember our promise yesterday?〉
〈What prom…ise? Uh?〉
His lifeless eyes fixed on me.
Only now did a faint light shine in his eyes, as if he was vaguely remembering. But it looked like it would go out any second. I met his eyes head-on. 1 second, 2 seconds… At that moment, the light went out completely. I was no longer reflected in Yi-tae’s eyes.
My stomach churned like crazy.
I didn’t want to face him, so I turned away. My steps, pretending to be composed, trembled. I wanted to run away from this place right now, ignoring any words that came from Yi-tae.
I couldn’t sleep. I left Yi-tae’s spot empty, hid in the corner, and gasped for breath. A certain emotion completely dominated me.
I mustn’t be swayed by emotions. Nothing was as uncertain as emotions. Just enough to suit my circumstances. It’s just that I hurt as much as I expected, and I despaired as much as I loved. A part of me, whether it was my heart or my eyeballs, throbbed.
I bit my lip tightly and held back the tears.
I could faintly hear the sound of running water from outside the door. Even after remembering everything, you just… Will you apologize? Will you at least explain it to me later? Yi-tae never loses his memory even when he drinks, so he’ll apologize properly tomorrow morning.
No. Don’t expect anything.
I hugged my shivering body tighter. I must be getting a bad cold. The chill wouldn’t leave and stubbornly clung to my spine. I inhaled all the hot air. The more my fever rose, the clearer my mind became. Once it started, the insomnia combined with the pain and pushed away sleep even more fiercely.
The water stopped, and after a while, I heard the door creak open.
I didn’t open my tightly closed eyes. Just by the sound of his footsteps, I could tell that he was more or less sober. Very careful and quiet. He lifted the blanket slightly and lay down on the edge.
I could hear his breathing. Was he already asleep? I was still stuck in the early morning.
I slowly turned my body. His broad back, which felt like a wall, came into view. The blanket rose and fell as he seemed to breathe evenly. I stared at him for a while, then turned back. Sharing a blanket but turning our backs on each other was just like our relationship. Completely cut off.
The fever I caught that day thanks to the cold wind gradually subsided only after ten days of suffering.
It was the most painful and agonizing flu of my life.
∗ ∗ ∗
But even a cold eventually heals completely.
“Yi-tae.”
“…Stop…”
“I know you have someone you’re interested in. Since spring this year. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice?”
“……”
I truly wanted to ask.
The question I hadn’t been able to bring myself to ask out of fear, before my heart was exhausted. I wasn’t confident that I wouldn’t be hurt by Yi-tae’s answer if I still had any feelings left.
So I endured and endured. Until all these feelings subsided and I was satisfied enough with the love that had ended on its own. So I poured it all out. Doing as you told me. Enduring that time alone. It was a love with a clear purpose.
And now.
I could ask you. I really wanted to get that answer. Did you think I didn’t know where your heart was going? So you were happy deceiving me? Did you really not know that I was waiting for you in front of the restaurant that was our dating spot in college, sitting on the cold floor, trying to turn your drifting heart back?
I wanted to go over together what I had suffered through alone back then. I also had a wicked desire for you to be hurt, even just a little… because of me.
Yi-tae told me to stay still, but I didn’t want to be trapped in my emotions while staring at the wall anymore. Kwon Yi-tae no longer had the right to ask me that. Love is something you do together, not alone. If one person turns away, the other can’t do it even if they want to. It’s so unfair.
So it was already a finished love. Even if I hadn’t said goodbye. Even if you held onto me.
I slowly turned my body. Every place in the house that came into view was precious to me. There wasn’t a place without memories. From the smallest longing to excitement, the emotions coming from the past were diverse. My heart ached and felt heavy. My nose tingled. From the beginning in the small studio to coming to this apartment, all the memories were alive and breathing.
Finally, my gaze reached Kwon Yi-tae. Kwon Yi-tae wasn’t collapsing, but he didn’t look okay either. I couldn’t interpret what kind of emotion it was because even I was seeing that expression for the first time. I didn’t want to waste my energy trying to force a guess. I didn’t want to use any energy for him.
“Answer me. Did you really not know?”
“…No.”
You knew… You must have known.
His voice was so weak it seemed like it would fade away. Like it would sink into the deep sea soon. Kwon Yi-tae couldn’t lift his head. His hair fell like wet seaweed. It was so damp it looked like water would drip from it.
“I see. Okay, fine. Have you repented everything now? Then let’s write the contract. This house is jointly owned, so there are many things to decide because it’s complicated. It’s still too good to sell, you know?”
I walked to the table and gathered the empty dishes. I collected the food I wouldn’t eat again and stacked them. I decided to accept Kwon Yi-tae’s silence as agreement. On my own.
With my mouth shut, I could only hear the clattering of the dishes. I poured the food into the disposal. The scraps of emotion would all be ground into a handful of dry powder. Beyond recognition.
I put the empty dishes in the sink. Fortunately, it wasn’t my turn to do the dishes today.
‘I bought this.’
Tch, I smacked my lips and put my hand on the disposal. There were many stories here too. There wasn’t an item in this house without a story, but this one stuck in my memory because I went all the way to the district office to get a grant, waited for an hour, and barely managed to get it. It was even more regrettable because it involved effort and hard work. But I wasn’t planning on taking it with me.
All the items here were meant to be left for this house alone. I bought them for that purpose, and they existed for that purpose. They could be used usefully elsewhere, but I still wanted to leave them here. To protect my memories. I hoped they would be used for the right purpose I had initially intended.
I grabbed a dishcloth and turned around. I didn’t speak to Kwon Yi-tae, who was still hanging his head. My feelings for him might have ended a long time ago, but the time to sort out those emotions completely was only given to me. He would need time to think too.
It was okay if it took a long time. As long as it ended today. And if that conclusion was the same as mine, I could generously invest that much time.
I wiped the table carefully. There was a lot to say about this table too. I cherished it so much… I washed the dishcloth with food stains and hung it up, then headed to the bookshelf. There should be a stack of paper around here. I picked up a piece of A4 paper from the third shelf on the right. It would be good to get a pen and seal too. I gathered the things I needed for the contract.
I sat down in front of Kwon Yi-tae again, who seemed frozen in time. Looking at him, the surprising fact that I had cleared the table without even asking his opinion suddenly occurred to me. But Yi-tae didn’t seem to have any intention of eating more anyway. I could tell just by his tightly closed lips and the fact that his gaze had already left the food.
“Would it be okay if we came the day after tomorrow? To be generous.”
It meant to stop thinking. I felt like I had given him enough time to consider.
With the breakup right in front of me, I felt strange. A sense of relief I had felt sometime in the past spread through my chest. It would definitely be different from the breakups I had had until now. The depth and length were different from the light relationships I had in school. There were just as many things intertwined and to be shaken off.
But, I can do it. I can endure it. A building whose keystone, which was the foundation, had disappeared was bound to collapse no matter how hard it tried. We too had lost love, the most important framework.
There were parts of the breakup that I had to handle alone. There was no need to share everything. However, big things like the house contract had to be confirmed with each other. How much is this house worth? A contract was essential. We couldn’t be legally protected like other couples. As always. We were in the exception.