By Zephyria 
“……I ate. Because I listen to you.”
The water running down his face seemed like it would bother him, but he only wore a faint smile. As if even my annoyance was welcome.
Yi-tae’s low self-esteem repeatedly grated on my nerves. He focused solely on my feelings, as if what happened to him didn’t matter. It’s your life, why are you only worried about me? You didn’t even act like this when we were dating.
I stopped acting childishly and picked up the dripping towel again. A questioning gaze lingered on me. I soaked it thoroughly in ice water and wrung it out. It was quite funny to do this to a sick person.
I wiped the water from his face with the towel. He didn’t seem to want to wipe it himself, so I, who had acted out, had to clean up.
“Okay. I’d believe you even if I said I was making meju out of red beans, wouldn’t I?”
“That’s worth questioning.”
Yi-tae smiled with his eyes closed. He was like a puppy obediently feeling his owner’s touch. This time, I carefully placed the towel on his forehead. Maybe it was because he was sitting, but it felt like it would fall off soon.
He needs to sit for 30 minutes after taking the medicine.
He, who had been as still as if he were asleep, suddenly said quietly.
“Still, I’ll believe you if it’s you.”
“Yeah, I’ll contact you if I run out of money. Hold onto the towel tightly because you shouldn’t lie down right after eating. It looks like it’s going to fall off.”
“I’m leaning against the headboard, so I think it’s okay.”
As my hand left him, Yi-tae opened his eyes again. His hands were fidgeting, repeatedly clenching and unclenching the blanket. Since I had taken a half-day off to take care of him anyway, I decided to stay by his side until he fell asleep.
Because Yi-tae would want that too.
Considering how hot his face felt when I touched it just now, it seemed like it would take quite a while for the fever reducer to kick in. If this were Korea, I would have made him get an IV at the hospital.
Silence settled in the room. I looked at Yi-tae’s hands, and he stared blankly at the ceiling with a sidelong glance. It wasn’t awkward, but it wasn’t comfortable either.
“Did you come because you felt forced to because of me?”
“I came because it was worth coming.”
“……Thank you.”
Finally, it’s not “I’m sorry.” A smile lingered on my lips at his words. Had he ever been this calm? In the conversations we’d had so far, one of us would get agitated. Mostly me, though. Was it all me?
Originally, I’m the type to become calm when I get angry.
“Pay me back later. You owe me.”
The tension that had stiffened my shoulders gradually eased. I could feel that the atmosphere had eased up quite a bit, to the point where jokes could be made.
It had always been like this since we met again. The conversation easily strayed from the topic, circled around without finding its center, and eventually ended with someone feeling depressed. It was different from being cautious with someone you met for the first time.
We knew each other too well, so we had to be careful.
“Will I be by your side then too?”
The sound of the blanket rustling was especially loud. He grabbed the towel that had fallen and put it back on his forehead. It looked like it would be good to flip it to the other side or soak it in water again, but I didn’t bother to say it.
If Yi-tae is going to get sick while he’s at my house, he should get sick within at least a month. But that’s only possible if I hold a ritual for him to get sick, right? Unless he goes outside and gets caught in the rain right now.
The sound of rain pouring outside the window could be heard. It hadn’t been raining earlier, but it seemed to have just started. It was weather that suited gloomy Seattle.
What will happen to us when this project is over? We don’t have any topics to talk about happily, we’re just filling each other’s loneliness by being next to each other. If we grow apart, there will be no reason to exchange texts.
Even if we remain friends, it was obvious that we would be closer and yet more distant than any other friends. Since we were forbidden from mentioning memories, there was nothing we could talk about.
We can’t discuss the future or the past.
“If that’s the case, I should be sick now. Should I drink the water you drank?”
“You don’t usually catch it from that. Back then, ah…….”
Yi-tae stopped talking. His eyes turned red as if he was remembering something. Actually, they might have been like that all along, but I might have only noticed it now. Because he had a fever.
Or maybe it just looked that way because he had a look on his face like he was about to cry.
Suddenly, he pulled the towel down to cover his eyes. Thanks to that, my gaze was drawn to his nose and lips. A handsome guy is handsome even when he’s sick. It even seemed like his jawline had become sharper.
Yi-tae had gained a little weight since coming to my house. He was still very thin, though.
To cover up his mistake, I subtly agreed with him.
“Are you talking about the day I kept asking you to make me tteokbokki because I felt like I couldn’t taste anything?”
He seemed to have remembered how I caught it, but I remembered what happened after that. I had a high fever from the flu, but for some reason, I wanted to eat tteokbokki. I had no appetite, but I kept thinking about it and muttered to myself.
〈I want to eat very spicy tteokbokki with cheese that stretches out……. Tteokbokki. The ratio of fish cakes to rice cakes is half and half……. I feel like if I eat it, the flu will go away.〉
〈Eating spicy food will upset your stomach. No way. You can’t even digest it now, so you’re throwing everything up.〉
〈Tteokbokki. Moderately spicy tteokbokki that Yi-tae made.〉
I muttered constantly in a weak, small voice. Looking back on it now, it was annoying, but Yi-tae ended up making tteokbokki and bringing it to me. He only put in a fingernail’s worth of gochujang, so it was bland, but I scraped the bowl clean.
It was a warm memory. Just thinking about it made me feel good. Yi-tae at the time was always kind, although he didn’t have the almost submissive attitude he has now. If I could just erase the last year, he would have been a truly perfect Darling.
“Yeah.”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you. I caught it for no reason and ate tasteless tteokbokki.”
It was really fun. Even if I went back to that time, I would have acted the same way. I didn’t remember being sick, but I couldn’t forget the fluffy feeling. I had received something from Yi-tae, so I was able to give him love.
Thanks to the love he gave me, I was able to give him love too.
He dropped the towel. His eyes were wet, as if they had been stained with the moisture from the towel.
“I shouldn’t have…….”
“Suddenly, I want to eat tteokbokki. But even then, it was delicious. Maybe it was because my sense of taste was weird. Or maybe my tongue was blinded by love?”
I snatched the towel from his hand. It was only hot, probably because he had been holding it until just now. Why is the spring rain that should be falling outside falling inside the house?
I patted his eyes with the newly dampened towel. I didn’t pretend not to know he was crying, nor did I pretend to know why. Maybe it was because I wasn’t confident in hearing the reason and dealing with it. I still haven’t decided what kind of relationship I’ll have with you.
“Should I make it for you?”
“Yeah. Very spicy this time.”
I nodded, meaning he should make it for me when he gets better. The smile on my lips was a bonus. There was no reason to refuse. It was easier than the dishes I had asked for so far, so it should be okay.
There wasn’t anything more I particularly wanted to say to Yi-tae, but I didn’t want to leave either. There was nothing I had to do right away if I left. Considering that he had even cleaned up while he was sick, he was a truly terribly persistent guy.
“I will.”
Yi-tae’s voice lowered as the medicine took effect.
“Now lie down, close your eyes, and sleep.”
“Yeah, thank you. You can leave.”
“I’ll do as I please.”
“……No, just stay until I fall asleep. It’ll be quick.”
Yi-tae touched his fingertips to mine, which I had placed on the bed. I didn’t know if it was intentional, but I didn’t bother pulling my hand away. People tend to look for someone to lean on when they’re sick.
The sound of his uneven breathing could be heard. He wasn’t asleep. My fingertips tickled. Maybe it was because he kept twitching. It would be easier if he just held it.
I put my elbow on the bed and propped up my chin. He’ll have a hard time sleeping if I keep staring like this. But that was Yi-tae’s share to bear. Because I’m granting his request.
He wiggled his fingers and pressed them closer to my hand. I have relatively large hands compared to other people, but Yi-tae’s were even bigger. I knew that, but it felt new again.
“Are you asleep?”
“……Not yet.”
“Tell me when you fall asleep.”
How can I tell you when I’m asleep? It was what I said, but it was absurd. Being like this was making me sleepy too. Seeing Yi-tae’s condition was better than expected, the worry I had been feeling was gradually subsiding.
Well, he’s all grown up, how sick can he get?
“Yi-tae.”
“……Yeah.”
“When are you going to sleep?”
I’m sleepy too.
I mumbled and leaned my body completely against the bed. I felt a familiar scent beyond the soft texture of the bed. I had changed everything with that scent to try to forget it, but in the end, I ended up using the same scent again.
I shouldn’t have granted his request. I should have just gone to my bed and slept.
The sound of rain echoed quietly. The sound felt like a lullaby. I was getting sleepier because I wasn’t saying anything, but I didn’t want to open my mouth. Yi-tae’s breathing was also becoming more regular.
I closed my eyes quietly. The blanket was so soft. I don’t know who chose it, but they bought something good. It seems better than my blanket. Why did they pay so much attention to it? Because he’s a guest.
Thoughts flooded in.
I should switch it with my blanket.
I could get up and go to my room right now…… My mouth and eyes were heavy. I didn’t want to move. Come to think of it, I’ve been overdoing it for the past few days too. I should just stay like this for a little while and then leave.
I took a slightly more comfortable position. My fingertips were still touching Yi-tae’s.