#189

Not Athanas, but ‘I’.

He’s babbling without even knowing what his words mean.

‘Get used to killing me?’

To a Regression user?

Is he insane?

‘No, of course he isn’t sane.’

This is the first time I’ve witnessed someone die in person.

That alone is enough to break one’s mental state, but then the killer confesses that he possesses Regression and that this murder was committed for my sake.

‘Enough to trigger a total denial of reality.’

This moment isn’t actually happening.

Because if I use Regression, all of this will be undone.

The dead person, and the memory of witnessing that death.

‘…But the killer’s memory remains.’

This is the problem when your mental strength is low.

Your thinking becomes incredibly shallow.

I stopped reading and let out a short sigh.

‘To abuse an Out-of-Order Authority in front of a Regression user, even in a state of panic.’

He’s in no position to call Athanas inexperienced.

Forced Persuasion isn’t an Authority that leaves an obvious mark when used, but if you’re hit by it several times, you can’t help but feel a sense of incongruity.

‘What if the Heretic Butcher concludes that some wicked heretic manipulated him with a silver tongue?’

Of course, since that didn’t happen, he’s still breathing.

I picked up the next sheet.

In this loop as well, everything flows exactly the same until Athanas storms into the office. Even the idle thoughts running through my head are identical, down to the last syllable.

In the repeating time, the only thing that changes is the action of the ‘Regression user.’

This time, the tip of the sword pierces the backrest of the chair diagonally instead of Andrea’s neck.

Athanas crosses a second sword, pinning Andrea in place so he cannot budge.

‘It’s like making an insect specimen.’

If he moved even slightly in that state, the blade would slice his throat.

It’s a decent method of suppression, but it doesn’t stop a snake from sliding out of Andrea’s sleeve.

A purple snake raises its head stiffly and glares at Athanas.

Athanas flinches back, hurriedly grabs the chair next to me, and flings the door open.

‘…Wait, did he mistake that for me?’

Beyond the door, instead of the hallway in front of the office, I see the stairs leading to the basement.

Yet, Athanas descends without noticing anything strange.

‘I’ stand there stupidly, watching the scene unfold.

How should I put this….

‘…Without mental defense, the Distorted One is truly a troublesome opponent.’

As ‘I’ hesitantly follow him toward the basement, Andrea shouts.

「“Fabio! You must not go down there. Athanas, that man approached you with the intention of deceiving and using you! That man is….”」

‘I’ ignore whatever Andrea is babbling and strike the creature that tried to cast Distortion on me with a fire poker.

‘Oh dear.’

Poor thing.

It had only tried to cast a Distortion on ‘me’ that made it unable to leave my side.

The snake, small enough to fit in a sleeve, stops moving once its head is crushed.

‘I’ hurriedly descend the stairs before Andrea can get out.

In the basement, the chair lies sprawled on the floor, and Athanas stands frozen in an unnatural posture, covering his face with one hand.

「“Athanas!”」

‘…He just runs toward it after seeing that.’

I wonder if ‘I’ have lower intelligence than I thought.

He shouldn’t be out of mental strength at this point, yet he’s making an incredibly stupid choice.

How do I even fix that?

‘Think before acting?’

「“Agh! Fuck!”」

‘…I knew that would happen.’

He should know that you can’t distinguish friend from foe while under the effect of Distortion, so why touch him?

‘I’ am screaming as my hand is deeply slashed by the dagger Athanas swung.

Watching this, I feel nothing other than a slight chill.

Naturally, just because a person recalls being injured doesn’t mean they experience the pain again.

The narration, screaming at the top of its lungs about the pain, feels a bit noisy.

‘Is this how I die in this loop?’

「“…Fabio?”」

At that moment, Athanas drops the dagger.

‘Huh?’

Did the Distortion wear off?

「“Fabio, is that you?”」

No, judging by the way he reaches out to grope ‘my’ face, it seems I still look like something else to him.

「“Did I… hurt you?”」

‘I’ grit my teeth and steady my breathing.

「Let’s not make it obvious. Don’t feed the Distorted One. Athanas must not feel ‘disappointment.’ I can bear it. No, I must bear it. It’s nothing. No fingers have been cut off yet…. Wait, have they? A few aren’t moving. Anyway, I can attach them all back. If I can’t, I’ll just make new ones. So….」

…I try my best not to think about what the Blessing of Healing is actually made of.

「“It’s okay. That’s not what’s important right now….”

“…I am sorry.”

“Athanas? Why suddenly….”」

‘I’ am bewildered by the sudden hug.

Is this the time for this?

「“It is my fault. It is because I am lacking. Next time, I will certainly….”」

‘I’ do not hear the last words Athanas spoke.

Because before I could say, ‘I didn’t hear you, could you say that again?’, Athanas turned back time.

‘He uses Regression here?’

I frowned.

Since it was already ruined, he could have gone a bit further.

Whether he fills a whole hour or Regresses in one minute, the Health cost is the same.

He might have been persuaded by my words, but it seems he didn’t understand them….

‘Anyway, how did he recognize me while the Distortion was still active?’

I paused to think before turning the page.

It would have been great if I could read Athanas’s thoughts, but all I can see are ‘Fabio’s’ memories.

‘Is it because of the blood on the dagger?’

If one possesses a part of my body, they can gain the effect of ‘Heaven Above, Earth Below, I Alone Reign Supreme.’

But in the game, a bit of blood splashing around didn’t trigger a trait.

If it did, the meta would have been to keep enemies who give useful traits alive as buff-blood-bags instead of killing them.

‘…Wait.’

A thought suddenly occurs to me.

On this day, I received Valentine’s reliquary from Athanas.

I heard later that Athanas had actually placed a part of his own body inside it.

And Valentine’s reliquary has a strange effect that allows one to feel the pain of the person they love….

“…Could it be that Athanas loves me?”

“That is correct.”

“I see…?”

A brief silence followed.

Surprisingly, I felt nothing.

“…So that’s how he realized it was me. That makes sense.”

I wondered what use it would be to know a distant lover is suffering other than feeling distressed, but for a Regression holder, the meaning is different.

Because they can turn back time and save the other person before they experience that pain.

‘Of course, that’s on the premise that the partner is within a one-hour one-way distance.’

Additionally, since he can track the partner’s location in real-time, it’s a useful Blessing in many ways.

If it weren’t for the condition that it only works for the object of one’s love, its utility would have been quite high….

“…But does pure religious love, the desire to save someone, also fall under Valentine’s definition of love?”

“Valentine is the god of lovers.”

“And?”

“If such love were included in Valentine’s Domain, Valentine would have been called the god of love, would he not?”

“…….”

He doesn’t handle Agape?

Then how does Valentine define love?

Eros?

“…Does Athanas feel sexual desire for Fabio?”

“Haha, lust may be one of the components of love. However, a person can feel sexual desire for someone they do not love, and they can love someone without any physical desire. Humans are more complex creatures than early mammals.”

“Then what? What is the love that Valentine defines?”

“There have always been attempts to explicitly draw the boundary of how far the love recognized by Valentine extends, but none have succeeded.”

As I frowned, the House Lizard continued.

“However, in your case, I believe there is no need to struggle with the definition of love. It is a very typical ‘love.’ The feelings of Athanas or yours….”

“Wait. My feelings?”

“Yes.”

“Do I also love Athanas?”

“That is correct.”

“Really?”

“It is the truth.”

“…….”

Since when? Why? How?

I clutched my aching head.

“…I did feel like I was under a Status Condition for some reason.”

“Do you consider love to be a Status Condition?”

“What else would it be?”

What else is an unstable emotional state that causes persistent and widespread emotional abnormality if not a Status Condition?

People spend most of their lives in a ‘state of not loving.’

It’s just an abnormality where one lacks the insight to want treatment; love is clearly….

“I only asked because it is interesting. You perceive ‘love’ as a problem that needs to be solved.”

“…Not necessarily, but in a situation like this, yes.”

The House Lizard smiled silently.

Since he can read my thoughts, he must know that the words I spoke were just a formality.

No, I don’t think love is necessarily a bad thing.

People can do it.

Many do.

‘But not with Athanas.’

Even if I intend to cooperate with a Regression holder continuously and long-term, ‘love’ is an unsuitable emotion.

What is needed to maintain a relationship for a long time are emotions like trust, bond, and a sense of belonging, not love.

‘In fact, it would be a negative.’

People in love have extremely low serotonin levels.

The fact that serotonin, essential for emotional stability, hits rock bottom means one becomes sensitive to everything and suffers from emotional instability.

Just looking at how people in love think about their partner all day, doubt them, and easily become jealous over trivial matters—as if they’ve developed an obsessive-compulsive disorder—shows how unstable their mental state is.

‘Still, it’s a relief we didn’t realize we loved each other and become actual lovers.’

If Athanas had realized my feelings….

“To give you a slight spoiler, Athanas knows that you love him.”

“…When?”

Instead of answering, the House Lizard pushed a page forward.

I stared down at that sheet.

The fact that the moment is captured here means….

‘…It means Athanas rewound that time period and erased it.’

Why on earth?

Isn’t finding out they love each other a welcoming thing?

Why erase it from my memory?

It’s not that he couldn’t accept the fact that I fell in love and used ‘self-Forced Persuasion.’

If he had, a sentence like ‘The feelings I have for Athanas are by no means love’ would have been added to the scroll.

‘Did he erase it to prevent me from using Forced Persuasion on myself?’

I took a deep breath and picked up the page.

And.

“…….”

I remained silent for a long time.

Many thoughts occurred to me, but not a single one reached completion.

“…You said you’d tell me anything, right?”

“Yes. Provided it is something I can answer. Oh, for your information, tomatoes are not particularly high in iron among vegetables. They have only half as much as broccoli.”

“Can you tell me the Name of Oblivion?”