By Zephyria 
I honestly don’t know what he expects to hear. The person involved has absolutely no intention of speaking. Letting out a small, hollow laugh, Eun-ha continued changing his clothes. He dressed while finding it somewhat amusing to watch that truly “considerate” gaze, which remained fixed on a completely random spot.
I peeked at your phone a few days ago… He concluded that no matter how much he thought about it, there was no way he could confess such a thing.
Even by his own standards, it was a pathetic and gloomy act. From the perspective of the victim, it would be even worse. He could vividly imagine Yeon-jun’s expression instantly stiffening as he failed to maintain his composure. He was the type of kid whose inner thoughts were laid bare on his face. A transparent human being, perfectly identical inside and out.
“Then just tell me this one thing.”
“What.”
“Is it related to me?”
“…No. I told you it’s nothing, so why do you keep bringing it up?”
The moment he finished changing, Yeon-jun asked, turning around as if he had been waiting. Eun-ha frowned without any malice. He had no idea what basis Yeon-jun had for such certainty. Lately, while Eun-ha had been troubled and unstable, he had never let it show on the surface. Absolutely not. These days had been nothing but smooth and peaceful. So why did he keep…
“…I really don’t know where you’re getting this confidence from, Yeon-jun.”
“I wasn’t confident; it was just a vague feeling… but I’m sure now. You know, Hyung.”
“…”
“You’re not good at lying.”
He couldn’t react for a moment to the words that pinpointed a weakness—or rather, a non-weakness. As he said, Eun-ha wasn’t particularly skilled at lying. He struggled with saying things he didn’t mean or making empty pleasantries. No matter how he tried to sugarcoat things, his awkwardness always leaked through.
This current silence, as if he’d been hit right in the mark, was no different. It was a non-response that was practically an admission. Eun-ha’s lips twitched before he pressed them shut and looked away. Is it that obvious…? Resisting the urge to grope his own face with his hands, he sank into a mood that was half-dismay and half-resignation.
Interpreting the silence as an affirmative answer, Yeon-jun laughed softly. “I’m just so terribly, deeply sorry…” he said, approaching with a playful, exaggerated level of formality. He slid his arms around Eun-ha’s waist from behind.
“It’s just that it’s so obvious that it’s harder to pretend I don’t notice, Hyung.”
“…”
“Did I do something wrong?”
He tilted his head as if asking for attention. Finally throwing in the towel, Eun-ha turned his gaze away lacking confidence. Meeting those clear, bright pupils, he let out a silent sigh.
“…It’s nothing like that.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. What could you possibly have done wrong? To me.”
You did nothing wrong. You didn’t cause any problems. You know that. You’re always, always doing your best…
And perhaps that was the reason for all his hesitation. Unlike the stable and upright boy, Eun-ha’s interior was festering in many ways. He knew all too well that his mental health was not sound, and had been that way for a long time.
He didn’t want to reveal that side of himself. Furthermore, he didn’t want to show an immature side to him. Even though they joked about their age sometimes, Yeon-jun fundamentally perceived Eun-ha as the elder, and Eun-ha wanted to show him only the best version of himself. As someone he could lean on and trust. Even if he wasn’t the best, at least not someone utterly pathetic.
Whenever the boy gazed at Eun-ha with sparkling eyes, as if looking up to him, that desire only grew larger.
And he had already failed at that numerous times. It meant he had already shown enough of his ugly side. Yet, he was being asked to repeat it. To utter it with his own mouth…
“Then what is it?”
“…It’s a problem that has nothing to do with you, a strictly personal matter, that’s why.”
“That’s why please tell me what it is.”
“Do you really have to hear it?”
“Yes.”
“You might lose feelings for me.”
“I won’t.”
“How do you know that?”
“I know my own heart best, Hyung.”
“…So. You’re insisting, absolutely insisting, on hearing it.”
“Yes.”
“…Why are you so persistent?”
“Hmm… because I love you?”
It was a somewhat abrupt answer. What did that have to do with this?
When Eun-ha looked at him with a confused expression, Yeon-jun let out a thin smile and said, “Hmm?” He rolled his eyes for a moment as if organizing his thoughts, then gave a light shrug.
“If we were just casual, I actually wouldn’t care. Even if I could see someone swallowing their emotions alone, I wouldn’t go out of my way to bring it up unless they spoke first. I’d really feel it was unnecessary. If the other person told me, I’d obviously accept it well and try to adjust, but if not, well…”
“…”
“I’d just think it’s a connection destined to drift apart. It’s a shame, but not all relationships can last forever. I’d just think, ‘Oh, this person isn’t a good match for me. This isn’t a relationship that will last,’ and move on. It’s too exhausting to live while worrying about every little thing like that.”
“…”
“But we aren’t just that kind of relationship. I’m your boyfriend. And I love you so much…”
“…”
“So I want you to tell me everything without swallowing any of it. Even the smallest things are fine.”
There wasn’t a single point to refute. Having listened quietly to his voice, Eun-ha suddenly spoke up like someone who had become curious.
“What makes me any different?”
“Pardon?”
“You said not all relationships can last forever.”
He meant, what was so different just because they were in a romantic relationship? Didn’t their relationship also fall under the category of ‘all relationships’?
Even to that somewhat defensive response, Yeon-jun remained consistent. With an unbothered attitude, he tilted his head and then suddenly wore a solemn expression. It was a seriousness that was, by all means, just a joke.
“We are very different, Hyung.”
“What’s so different?”
“Because we’re going to date forever.”
“…Good grief.”
He’s quite the smooth talker… Eun-ha muttered, letting out a powerless fragment of a laugh. Yeon-jun smiled back in response, then admitted casually. He gently pulled Eun-ha and sat him down on the edge of the bed, speaking in a truly nonchalant tone.
“Well… technically, a day like that might come eventually.”
“…”
“But that’s for then, and it’s not now.”
‘Eventually,’ ‘now’… He didn’t know why those modifiers made a corner of his heart feel particularly chilly. Despite the fact that it was Eun-ha himself who had pointed out what was different about their relationship.
Eun-ha looked silently at Yeon-jun sitting beside him. He occasionally concluded that Yeon-jun had a truly indifferent personality, and this was exactly that. How should he put it? It felt as if he never dug his thoughts deeper than a certain line.
It was different from simply living without thought. Rather… yes. It was as if he were a person with absolutely no lingering attachments or regrets.
He always did his best with sincerity, but it felt as if that was where it ended.
With his obedient, kind, and soft personality, he wasn’t actually the type to live while deeply worrying about others. Naturally, he wasn’t the type to be swayed by others, nor was he particularly sentimental.
In that regard, Eun-ha felt that Yeon-jun was the complete opposite of him. Eun-ha was very weak to sentiment, was often swayed by emotions even if he didn’t show it, and frequently spent time in self-torture over thoughts of others.
“Anyway, I think keeping emotions bottled up inside isn’t very beneficial for a relationship.”
“…”
Everything he said was correct. That’s why he had nothing to say, and even if he did, he couldn’t bring himself to open his mouth; he only felt endlessly embarrassed. The fact that he was hearing all this from a twenty-year-old boy contributed to that.
It felt like a confirmation of how undesirable he had lived, that he wasn’t a very decent human being.
It felt like he was being forced to reflect, looking back endlessly at the days gone by…
“…”
Eun-ha cleared his mind with detachment and organized his thoughts. He had already been stubborn enough. It wasn’t as if he had some logical argument to counter the boy’s opinion.
So, thinking it was better to avoid the worst-case scenario, he finally opened his mouth with difficulty. He couldn’t hide the sigh rising from deep within him.
“…Haa. So.”
“Yes.”
“…We haven’t seen each other much lately. You’ve been working part-time, going back to school, and all that.”
“Yes.”
“So…”
Trying to continue calmly, Eun-ha felt his tongue trip and pressed his lips tight. It was indeed difficult to lay bare the inner thoughts he considered wretched and pathetic.
Still, he closed his eyes and continued.
“…Since the time we spend apart suddenly increased, I’ve had a lot of stray thoughts in many ways.”
“Like what?”
“…For example.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“…I’m curious about where you are and what you’re doing. Even after I’ve already asked, I get curious again a few minutes later. I want to ask again… I want to keep prying. Even though I know it’s the kind of thing that makes people sick of you, I still want to keep asking, that kind of…”
“…”
“But because I know that’s strange behavior, I try to hold back and not ask, and then I start having weird imaginations. When you come home late, I start thinking even more nonsensical, strange things… I get unnecessarily bothered by unfamiliar smells on your body. I’m so annoyed with myself for being like that…”
“…”
“Ha… do I really have to say all this…?”
His throat felt as if it were burning. It felt as if he were being stripped naked and exposed. The irony was that he had been physically naked just a few minutes ago without any emotion at all.