#187

“…….”

For a moment, I was lost for words.

How should I put it? It was a state of confusion, where so many things exploded at once that I didn’t even know what emotion I was supposed to feel.

It felt like being fired from your job, only to simultaneously receive a breakup notice from your partner and a call saying your house had burned to the ground.

And immediately after that, you get a notification telling you to hurry up and pay off the mortgage on the house you haven’t even halfway paid off yet.

‘…I feel like I’m going to faint.’

I took a long breath in, and let it out.

I struggled to piece together my fragmented thoughts into coherent sentences.

‘Athanas has Regression?’

Since when?

‘…Probably since the first time we met.’

How many attempts had it been for Athanas by the time of the meeting I remember?

My head spun.

A sudden impulse surged within me to roll up the scroll and forget everything.

“Did I… really write this?”

“Would the you who lost your memories be the same person as the you of now?”

“…What does that mean?”

“Whether the factors that determine the continuity of an individual are decided by you.”

‘What is he even talking about.’

Right now, I didn’t have the mental bandwidth to comprehend the House Lizard’s pedantic speech.

Anyway, it means I wrote it, right?

Most likely.

‘Heaven Above, Earth Below, I Alone Reign Supreme’ had never been deactivated, and the only thing that could affect me was ‘me.’

‘…But even if I wrote it, does that actually matter?’

What if a handwritten suicide note is found, but the cause of death is homicide?

Does a suicide note written with a gun to the head truly reflect the will of the deceased?

‘If Athanas also found out about Forced Persuasion….’

It would have been simple to manipulate me however he wanted.

Just revealing the fact that he possessed Regression would have sent me into a complete state of panic.

Perhaps I was the one who first told him that self-Forced Persuasion was possible.

From a certain perspective, it would be more rational to submit perfectly—to the point where he felt there was no need—before a being with Regression turned back time several times just to ‘verify’ the truth of the information.

At the very least, it would reduce the total amount of pain.

So….

[Trust ‘Athanas.’]

‘…….’

I rubbed my face.

I stared at that sentence for a long time, then scrubbed at it with my fingertips.

The ink smeared black, blurring until it was illegible.

I erased every passage related to Athanas in the same way.

Even though the suggestion had vanished, I didn’t suddenly snap awake with the realization that I had been deceived.

Rather….

‘…Why.’

Why did the image of Athanas shedding tears come to mind first?

I tried to imagine a terrifying Athanas killing or torturing me.

But those deep blue eyes, looking at me in silence with vivid tear stains, would not leave my mind.

‘Am I searching for clues to rationalize this somehow?’

They say that humans cannot believe it even when faced with clear evidence that they are wrong.

Because they do not want to accept the truth that they themselves are mistaken.

When cognitive dissonance occurs, it is human nature to engage in self-rationalization first.

‘Athanas….’

Black ink stains still remained where I had scrubbed.

Perhaps those stains were still controlling me.

‘Trust Athanas.’

To completely escape the influence of that sentence, what must I do?

I stood frozen for a long time, pen in hand.

[Regarding Athanas….]

Faith disappears?

An objective perspective is gained?

After much deliberation, I moved the pen.

[…All emotions vanish.]

The moment I placed a period at the end of that sentence, my heart sank like a still lake.

The violently crashing waves suddenly dropped vertically in place.

Every droplet falling onto the water’s surface failed to create even a single ripple.

An utterly unnatural ‘composure,’ as if the physics engine had been suddenly switched off.

I was almost bewildered by the abrupt change.

‘…I shouldn’t use this carelessly.’

I think I understand now why I had to forget that I could use ‘Forced Persuasion’ on myself.

If I became addicted to this convenience and used it a few more times, I would end up not knowing who I even am.

‘Since I have no physical body right now, I’d probably just vanish instantly.’

Anyway.

Now I can look at Athanas with complete objectivity.

Without any emotion.

‘How should I put this….’

It felt a bit like starting a detective game.

Let’s combine the clues on the screen to uncover the suspect’s true movements!

I aligned everything I had experienced like puzzle pieces and examined them slowly.

I frowned slightly.

‘…But seriously, why was he crying?’

Surprisingly, my judgment before removing my emotions hadn’t been far off.

I continued my train of thought, tracing the area around my left eye.

‘Athanas has never killed me…. This sentence is a trap.’

There was no need to write this specific phrase using ‘Forced Persuasion.’

In the first place, as long as I couldn’t recall Regression, there was no way I would even question whether Athanas might have killed me.

Of course, in a state of panic, I might have cast random suggestions, but this felt more intentional.

So that when I unfolded the scroll, I would feel a specific emotion toward Athanas….

‘The conclusion is this.’

Athanas is not on your side.

Athanas took your eye.

Athanas has Regression.

Athanas might have killed you.

‘…And?’

That I shouldn’t trust Athanas?

Why?

Since I currently felt no emotion toward Athanas, I naturally felt no sense of betrayal.

Looking at it calmly, as if it were someone else’s business, more strange points emerged.

What could Athanas possibly gain by deceiving me to the point of using ‘Forced Persuasion’?

No, the premise is wrong.

‘What did Athanas want from me that led him to reveal the existence of Regression?’

If he wanted to control me, there were far simpler and safer methods.

He could have just dug up information about ‘self-Forced Persuasion’ and then immediately used Regression.

Then he could make an oblivious me use ‘self-Forced Persuasion.’

In this process, there was absolutely no need to give me information about ‘Regression.’

It would have been enough to act as if memories from his ‘Heretic Butcher’ days had suddenly returned, or to change his attitude by pretending to have received a revelation from the Lord to intimidate the heretic.

Considering Athanas’s acting skills, that would have been a piece of cake.

‘…Regression is most effective when no one suspects its existence.’

Could Athanas really have failed to consider the possibility that I might break my own suggestions?

If I were him, I would never have dreamed of leaving a critical weakness in the mind of a being who is immune to both Oblivion and brainwashing.

If that person happened to realize the suggestion and break it alone, the one who knows the weakness would end up harboring hostility toward him.

Therefore, this item must be thought of in reverse.

‘Athanas tried many times to let me know about Regression.’

Why?

I tapped the desk.

I slowly retraced Athanas’s actions.

‘…There was no need for him to do that.’

There is a limit to the information that can be obtained from ‘Fabio.’

I had already confessed almost everything to Athanas.

In truth, there was no reason at all to maintain the relationship for this long.

‘Two Regressions… no, three.’

He could have unearthed everything.

I don’t believe I would have kept secrets even while my limbs were being broken.

Rather, I would have judged that it’s easier to just spill everything and would have vomited out everything I knew and didn’t know.

Athanas surely wouldn’t be unaware of that….

‘Why did he waste time on me?’

To get a connection to another ‘Watched One’?

That necessity vanished the moment he captured Reyes.

Yet, Athanas continued to visit me even while I stayed in the Apostle’s Hall.

‘…What was he trying to get from me?’

I stopped tapping.

What if what Athanas wanted was ‘Fabio’ himself?

The thought that “What would he even do with a unit like Fabio?” naturally occurred, but Athanas was not a philistine who judged human relationships based on profit and loss.

What could be gained or not was not important.

White and Black.

White is saved and helped. Black is purged and condemned.

The world of Order is simple.

But the reason Athanas did not define me as ‘Black’ was….

‘Because he was immature.’

The Athanas of ‘Die Heretic!’ had Adelaide.

A Holy Knight serving the Saintess.

A soldier following the orders of a superior.

Until Adelaide died, Athanas was the Saintess’s sword and her tool.

‘…Violence is evil. But condemnation is good.’

Therefore, some violence can be good.

The line distinguishing condemnation from violence was drawn by ‘Order.’

‘The Saintess’s words are the will of Order.’

Even if the Saintess fell to hell for the crime of usurping the will of Order, Athanas, who followed her words, was innocent.

Of course, Athanas fell to hell because he didn’t stop the condemnations even after Adelaide died….

In a way, the ‘Heretic Butcher’ made a choice for the first time then, rather than an act of obedience.

The Heretic Butcher was twenty-eight at the time.

‘…Is Athanas twenty now?’

He is so young it’s almost laughable.

Moreover, having lived only in a world where Order was steadfast, he hadn’t suffered much.

‘He’s practically a child.’

Such a child had obtained the terrifying power of Regression, but he was in a situation where no one told him how to use it.

Therefore, Athanas must have desperately searched for a fate he could obey, a revelation he had to follow.

A Holy Knight only learns to be a tool of God; they do not learn to think, decide, and take responsibility for themselves.

Could ‘Fabio’ have appeared to Athanas at that point like some kind of ‘revelation’?

A scenario NPC who appeared for the protagonist, Athanas.

Telling him that he is the ‘Savior of Order’ and that I am a being outside of Order chosen by an Othergod, revealing the truth of this world.

However, the NPC himself does not want the result of Order collapsing and says he will follow Order even if he cannot be saved.

The thought that it is his role to save such an NPC is a very natural progression.

After all, people stop hesitating when they believe they are doing the right thing.

‘Of course, a seasoned gamer would have realized the moment they saw Fabio’s looks that he was an extra who would either die halfway or disappear from the plot.’

It’s an unwritten rule that NPCs with heavy backstories are beautiful girls.

Though in dark fantasy, being a beautiful girl doesn’t guarantee survival until the ending.

‘The death scene would probably appear as an event cutscene.’

Come to think of it, if I had possessed Perpetua, it would be exactly….

‘What am I thinking.’

I shook my head to clear the foolish imagination from my mind.

Anyway, the point is that the ‘Heretic Inquisitor,’ who had experienced countless moments of choosing what to discard after Order collapsed, and the current Athanas are completely different people.

‘He’s like a player who has started an RPG for the first time in his life.’

People unfamiliar with games make mistakes like continuing to equip a cheap iron sword with trash attack power because their father gave it to them, or making the ‘inefficient choice’ of keeping the first companion they met in the party until the ending.

Because they don’t know at what point they should let go.

That might be fine in an easy game where you can see the ending regardless, but in a game with normal level design, they would encounter an unbeatable enemy due to that foolish choice and suffer a ‘Game Over.’

‘Of course, if Athanas saw me in my current state, he’d probably cut ties instantly….’

Clad in an unknown Divinity and possessing three Vassals.

Looking like this and still claiming to believe in Order would look like a lie to anyone.

‘…But if you think about it, didn’t Order dump me first?’

I tried my best to believe, but that bastard Order tried to chop me up and turn me into a Sacred Relic.

Suddenly, I became curious.

If I begged that I didn’t want to die, would Athanas let me go willingly?

Or would he swing his sword, saying that sacrifice for Order would be rewarded in the afterlife?

‘I guess I can’t verify the answer.’

Since Athanas’s body is currently being borrowed by someone else.

It will remain in that state until the time distortion caused by the Emergency Rescue Device ends.

‘…The reason he bothered to bring the Bell ringer down was probably to prevent the use of Regression.’

Because if time keeps resetting, the Record cannot be killed.

Looking at this, the one who gave Athanas ‘Regression’ was likely the System, not Order. There’s no way the power to turn back time was given to a pitiful god trapped within the Dark Realm.

‘What did the System want to achieve through Athanas?’

Did it want to increase the number of branches?

Variables are certainly important.

The System cannot make mistakes, but Athanas can.

This would create more options for the System.

‘In the end, that leaves the question of why and with what intention I wrote those suggestions….’

“Can you also read the time that disappeared due to Regression?”

“Of course. You can see it yourself. If you believe that the ‘Fabio’ of the lost time is also you.”

“Well, obviously….”

I started to answer but hesitated.

If I accept that the unsaved playlogs are also my tracks, then the sins committed then also become mine.

Of course, though it may have happened several times, the total time lost was only a mere hour.

‘I wouldn’t have gone completely insane and committed something like murder in that short time… right?’