By Zephyria 
Yi-tae, who likes me, even saw me off when I went to meet another man. He was so calm, as if all the jealousy he had shown while crying yesterday had been my imagination.
It was truly ironic. Eating the food Yi-tae made and going on a date with Ian while thinking of Yi-tae.
Ian, who I thought would be at the meeting place, was waiting for me in front of the apartment. He was smoking a cigarette, lost in thought, blowing white smoke into the air. I didn’t know he smoked.
I didn’t particularly like cigarettes, but he looked like a protagonist in a movie. His troubled expression made him look like a hero at a crossroads before the world’s destruction. It just means he was handsome like an actor.
Ian put the cigarette butt in a portable ashtray and sprayed various things on himself as if trying to get rid of the smell. He’s so meticulous, that’s probably why I didn’t notice.
I quietly waited for him to finish preparing. I couldn’t ignore the tension on his face.
The moment he checked his phone, I said to Ian.
“You put a lot of effort into it today.”
As I said in the morning, he styled himself with blue as the accent color. Ian’s eyes, full of anticipation, were soon filled with disappointment when he saw my clothes. When you fall in love, you become transparent. Until now, he had been good at hiding his true feelings.
I deliberately avoided blue when choosing my clothes so that he wouldn’t have false expectations. But I did my best to dress up. I didn’t forget the pretext of a date. It was consideration for Ian, who would have been expecting it.
“You’re here early.”
“Why are you waiting here? What if we missed each other?”
“…That wouldn’t have happened.”
Ian said with certainty. What if I had left early? Unless he had been waiting for me for an hour, he couldn’t be so sure.
I thought my guess was probably right. But I didn’t show it. That was also the privilege of someone with unrequited love. To expect and be excited. I couldn’t not know, since I had been like that too.
Instead of arguing, I nodded. Ian’s hand twitched noticeably, but I pretended not to notice and took the first step. If I held his hand, it would really be no different from a date between lovers. I didn’t want to grab the hand of someone I didn’t have feelings for.
“Did you have breakfast?”
“Yeah, toast. What about you?”
“I ate too.”
I didn’t bother saying the unnecessary words that Yi-tae had made it for me. Ian was more silent than usual, and I agreed, giving him plenty of time to think. Maybe he already expected my answer to his confession.
What better answer could there be than to respond sincerely to someone who comes at you with sincerity? It was even worse to give hope when I wouldn’t accept him.
The sky was as blue as the sea, and clear clouds were floating by. It was one of the clearest days in Seattle.
“Gyeoul.”As if his worries were over, Ian called me with a fairly bright expression.” His slightly curved eyes and sunken dimples showed his mood. I was relieved.
“Yeah, why?”
“You look handsome today.”
He continued in a playful voice.
“I should. I put effort into it.”
I could see the expectant look in his eyes at my words. I walked faster on purpose. I found Ian’s car parked in the parking lot and headed that way. I didn’t know how long I would be staying in Seattle, so I hadn’t looked into buying a used car, but now I thought I should buy one.
I had no regrets about Korea anymore. It was right to go back someday, but I had nothing left behind. If I had to pick, there was Hyeon-seong and Yeon-woo, but they were the type to come and hang out on their own.
Ian opened the car door for me before I could open it myself. It was a manner he had seen somewhere. He was going to fasten my seatbelt too. Where did he learn that?
It wasn’t far by car, so we arrived quickly. The theme of this exhibition was ‘For the Sake of Love.’
This artist seemed to have deep contemplation about love, as he exhibited his works with the same theme every time. In fact, I had bought the most terrible-looking work, but he often painted very beautiful things. Such works generally had ‘Reminiscence’ in the title.
“I wonder how many more desperate colors he’ll show today.”
“I heard it’s a bit different this time. It’s mainly composed of new works.”
I let out a faint exclamation and nodded. Ian seemed to have a friendship with the artist, but he didn’t tell me what kind of story there was. He added that it would be easier to understand the work that way.
It was a small exhibition, so it was quiet even on the weekend. Was it because he wasn’t a famous artist?
I forgot about the person next to me and slowly appreciated the works. The last work used a lot of dark gray paint, but this time there were many works using pastels. They mainly used yellow tones, giving a bright spring feeling.
Is this person in love?
The faces of the lovers in the works were different from the previous works. Of course, it wasn’t aimed at anyone, but all the subtly melancholic expressions were similar, but the woman in this work was smiling.
In the last work, the two lovers were holding hands. Flower petals were falling from the sky, and a monster was opening its mouth on the ground. But even the monster was reaching out its hands to the sky, protecting the two people.
“…It’s contradictory.”
I muttered. The title of the work was ‘Eternity and Love.’ How can love be eternal when there is a monster lurking? What kind of relationship has the artist had so far that there is distrust even in the happy base?
Just like me.
I felt unpleasant. I wanted to hide it at home so that no one could see it, like the previous work.
“Do you think these two lovers will be together forever?”
Ian asked with his arms crossed. He looked uncomfortable.
Even with the threat of a monster, the two people looked happy. Was it because they didn’t recognize the monster? Or did they have the belief that they could overcome it even if they knew?
“I hope so.”
“They probably will. These two got married.”
“Really? That’s something to celebrate.”
“They divorced due to an affair, but they recently remarried.”
“……”
“I don’t know if they love each other again, but they just felt like they should be next to each other.”
Was the man with the consistent expression in the work the artist? I guess the person who did wrong has more emotional changes. In the end, the person who did wrong would have begged. Like Yi-tae.
If I ever love again, will I feel like that? A sense of crisis that a monster will always chase after me with its mouth wide open. Distrust. Still, I’d be happy.
It was like seeing an ending I didn’t want to see. I’ll never be able to believe in love until the end. Like that man. With a blank face. I’ll date with just one reckless suspicion that I should just be next to them.
“Is the man the artist?”
“No, the woman. The man cheated.”
“Huh?”
A strong question came to me at the unexpected words. Does that make sense? They look so happy. Doesn’t the man look more unhappy?
I looked at the picture again. It was easier to understand the work when I didn’t know.
The woman is holding hands, the woman is smiling, the monster is leaning towards the man, so why does it end up like that? It’s similar to my situation, but were the feelings different?
If Yi-tae and I ever get back together, what kind of face will I have? Can I have a happy expression like this woman? Why is that monster of distrust directed at Yi-tae, not me? Is it because he’s the one who did wrong, so he’s more anxious?
Like now. Unlike me, who has forgiven everything, is it because Yi-tae is still kissing insomnia?
Ian grabbed my wrist, which I was staring at intently.
“What’s your relationship with Sirius? Can I ask?”
I couldn’t hide my surprise that Ian mentioned his name. It took a long time to hide it because he asked when I was thinking of Yi-tae.
“I know Sirius likes you. There’s no way I wouldn’t know.”
“……”
Yi-tae, you should hide it better. Even the fact that he couldn’t hide it was cute, but it felt strange to hear words close to confirmation from a third party. Was it because I thought it was a sin that he loved me? Because I couldn’t accept his feelings as they were.
“Do you like him too?”
Ian was silent. Thanks to him, I was able to stay calm. In fact, it wasn’t a surprising question. Yi-tae had also asked if I liked Ian.
But the difference from then was that I couldn’t say anything.
Do I like Yi-tae? Of course not. There was no worse ending than liking him again. There’s no way that a heart that has been burned to ashes can return to its original form.
Ian calmly waited for my answer. He didn’t urge or pester me. He just stared at me.