LMO 120

Please remove all of this novel from me.

Attending classes, doing assignments, making friends, studying.

Ordinary days continued. And the fact that life was flowing by as if nothing had happened was unbelievable. Because I was not alright.

‘What happened to Seong Hae-min?’

After the doctor came out of the operating room. Did Seong Hae-min survive? Or…

As I stayed put, I would suddenly feel a tightness in my chest, as if a part of me was blocked, thinking about it. I tried to calm my breathing slowly and turned my gaze out the window. The spring sunlight was dazzling.

“From this era onwards, rather than individual soldier’s skill, mass production, training, and discipline become important, and thus, concepts like time or geometry emerge. In other words, it emphasizes the physical rather than the spiritual…”

An afternoon class, the time when one feels sleepy after lunch. The dignified professor’s words stretched on. The class was in full swing.

However, unable to concentrate on the professor’s explanation, I found myself tapping my fingers on the desk, and then, with a glance from the student next to me, I came to my senses and continued taking notes diligently. I swallowed a sigh.

Just as I had suddenly fallen into the world of the novel one day, after returning to reality without warning, memories from the time in the novel, which felt like reality or illusion, repeatedly disturbed me. I often found myself lost in thought like this. It was hard to concentrate on anything for long.

It was the reality I had longed to return to. But rather than the joy of returning… honestly…

‘It’s not good at all…’

It was rather unpleasant. I gritted my teeth and busily moved my hands again.

Although I couldn’t concentrate well in class, I had to make this effort to clear my head. I just wrote down the professor’s explanation without fully understanding it. I felt like a child pedaling furiously on a wobbly bicycle to avoid falling.

On my way home after class, I was startled several times by sounds on the street, mistaking them for something else, and looked around.

Clearly, I would turn around, startled by a voice calling ‘Seong Hae-min!’, only to find it was a voice calling ‘Sunbae-nim!’, and while eating cafeteria food, I would hear someone call Hae-min and turn around, only to find it was a complaint about the side dish having too little ham. Even on the bus, I thought a stranger mentioned Seong Hae-min’s name, but it turned out to be a boast about going hiking once he was in good health.

I felt like a fool. The world felt like it was deceiving me.

Life flowed like a river, regardless of my will. Perhaps the things I experienced after entering the novel were just a long, strange dream.

But…

It felt too unfair to dismiss it as just a dream. It didn’t add up to be this distressed over a mere dream. I had developed a trauma.

On rainy days, I felt feverish and had trouble getting out of bed, and sometimes I found it hard to breathe. My whole body ached. The mean things I had done to them kept coming to mind, tormenting my life.

The first to come to mind was Seong Hae-min. And then Do Yun-hyeok.

Other familiar faces also rushed to mind in a jumble. Ban Seo-yi, Lee Beom, Min Si-hu, Jeon Jae-hyung, Ban Pyo-ran, and Kim Yi-dam.

Then, only regret arose. Even while regretting, I didn’t know exactly what I was regretting.

The final blow was a dream. A dream immediately after the doctor opened the operating room door.

Seong Hae-min, smiling behind the doctor who told me to be relieved, walked out asking if I had worried a lot. Do Yun-hyeok was beside him. Everyone hugged and rejoiced. Even I, who knew it was a dream…

I remained in a daze for a long time after waking up. When I opened my eyes, I found tears gathered, and I felt like a stranger to myself. A notification from my mobile phone finally brought me back to my senses.

At that moment, I resented the doctor who hadn’t conveyed the news to me. If I had at least known Seong Hae-min’s fate, I might not have suffered such after-effects…

Seong Hae-min was worrying and curious. At times, a sense of relief washed over me, thinking it might be better not to know the outcome. I also tried hard to hold onto the hope that things would get better with time. Regardless, this was my reality. I had to accept it. But no matter what excuses I made, I couldn’t escape the lingering afterimages.

I had returned to reality, yet I still felt trapped in the novel.

Perhaps what Do Yun-hyeok said at the end was right. That I couldn’t be happy without Seong Hae-min.

I believed I thought of that world as a novel, but it wasn’t. The reason I kept telling myself, “It’s just a novel,” was because I subconsciously knew it wasn’t.

Even though my beloved family and my achievements were all in reality, was it such a big commitment to choose to accept that world?

‘I could just dismiss it as a dream….’

Whatever happened there, this was reality, so I should just live in the present. I should just think of it as having had a strange experience and shake it off.

‘But why can’t I do that?’

Self-loathing and anger surged. What was it about that short period of barely half a year that made me like this? This was the world I had truly lived in. What was it about a mere teen romance novel that made me act this way? I felt wronged.

But at the same time, I wanted to see him. Seong Hae-min, who had successfully completed his surgery. I wanted to hug him and cry. My emotions changed dozens of times a day. Even though they were my own feelings, I found it difficult to control them.

How long would this last? I swallowed a sigh. All I could trust now was time. That time would solve it…

❖ ❖ ❖

Living like a broken machine, something malfunctioning, a month passed quickly. After that much time, I felt somewhat resigned.

I’ll be forgotten like this. Thinking so, as if brainwashing myself, I was on my way to the library to do my assignments as usual.

“Excuse me.”

“…….”

As I was leaving the cafe downstairs from the library with my drink, a familiar face brushed past me. As if drawn by a magnet, I unconsciously turned my eyes to follow the person’s back. Only then did I recall who that face belonged to.

‘…Seong Hae-min?’

His aura was completely different, so I couldn’t recognize him at first glance. I tried hard to calm my rippling heart, like waves spreading from a stone dropped in water. To think I was still swayed by such dreams…

‘I must have seen him wrong.’

Even as I thought that, my body instinctively followed him, and I couldn’t stop it.

Guilt and self-loathing arose. He’s a stranger, but is it right to chase after someone just because they resemble Seong Hae-min?

As I paused, harboring doubts about myself, I lost sight of him as he entered the library building.

‘Am I really an idiot….’

I stood there alone for a moment, mocking myself.

How invested was I in that novel, to the point where I still mishear voices, dream, and even mistake people?

As I left the library with a bitter taste, this time, I saw a person walking near the cafe in the distance, looking at their mobile phone. This face was also very familiar. I doubted my eyes.

But no matter how hard I looked, this time I hadn’t seen wrong. That appearance, that build, it was definitely…

I froze. Disbelieving, I called out his name before I even realized it.

“Min Si-hu…?”

My voice, trembling faintly, cut through the air. The man with light brown hair, who had been looking at his mobile phone, perked up his ears and quickly turned his head. And somehow, he immediately spotted me and smiled brightly at me. In a very familiar way.

‘Really…?’

I covered my mouth.

Had I finally gone mad? Was I seeing hallucinations on top of dreams? In a short while, I doubted myself countless times. My eyelids trembled. My head spun.

Min Si-hu, who was far away, ran towards me in an instant. My legs almost gave out from surprise, but I forced myself to stand firm. I couldn’t show such a ridiculous sight.

Min Si-hu smiled broadly and opened his mouth. I waited with extremely tense eyes for his words. What would he say? Would he recognize me?

“Hello! Yes, you’ve seen the right person. I am Min Si-hu!”

“Ah…?”

Min Si-hu, who greeted me confidently, looked very neat. His speech wasn’t lisping, and he wasn’t acting cute or calling people by strange nicknames. His neat and handsome appearance created a disconnect with the Min Si-hu I knew. I looked at Min Si-hu, bewildered.

“How about it, shall I take a picture with you?”

“Huh?”

“But how did you get to know me? Did you see me on TV last time? It’s great that people recognize me a lot now that I’ve been on terrestrial TV!”

“…Terrestrial TV?”

“Huh? Weren’t you greeting me because you knew me?”

Min Si-hu, with wide eyes, tilted his head. It was a familiar habit, just like in the novel. I was speechless. I tried hard to understand the situation, but it only increased my confusion.

Sensing that I hadn’t recognized him for the reason he expected, Min Si-hu mumbled an explanation, looking embarrassed. From what I heard, it seemed he had recently appeared on an entertainment show, and had gained fans since then.

“So I thought you were my fan. I’m sorry!”

“…….”

As soon as Min Si-hu finished speaking, silence enveloped us. I awkwardly repeated short answers like “Ah, yes,” and nodded.

In the awkward situation, I intensely pondered how this Min Si-hu could have the same face and name as the Min Si-hu from the novel. But I couldn’t find anything out.

“Min Si-hu!”

“Ah, that friend is here, so I’ll be going. Sorry for the misunderstanding!”

Someone called Min Si-hu from behind. Min Si-hu, who found a savior to pull him out of this awkward situation, brightened up and bowed his head to me. As I was still dazedly seeing him off, the person who called Min Si-hu approached us faster.

“Sorry, I was looking for a book.”