By Zephyria 
[As of today, ‘31’ parents have welcomed the ‘First Season’ with their children.]
A single sentence floated on the large TV screen. The number and the phrase “First Season” were bolder and redder than the other text.
Watching this, Eun-soo let the corners of his mouth curl into a smirk. He had been working for a month. Already, over thirty people had used the First Season service. The first ten had taken a while to accumulate, but after that, the speed increased twofold with every ten new users.
Once the webpage and app were officially launched, the number of users would explode. They planned to promote it heavily, and the government was reportedly subsidizing the cost of banners on major portal sites, social media, and online communities. It was a good thing.
Thanks to that, Eun-soo had been busy lately. He had to get the web and app versions developed as quickly as possible.
Stretching his stiff neck, Eun-soo headed toward the meeting room where the design team was gathered.
“The emergency button shouldn’t be this large and right in the center.”
Eun-soo frowned slightly as he looked at the main screen draft the team member had brought. In the center of the neatly arranged icons for supported services, hospital information, and childbirth and childcare tips, a large emergency light icon sat prominently.
The team member’s eyes widened.
“But shouldn’t it be large so it can be pressed in an emergency? It needs to be eye-catching and easy to hit immediately.”
Eun-soo let out a soft hum. Then, in a gentle voice, he explained why it wouldn’t work.
“You could think that, but we have to look at it from the user’s perspective. Not many people will open this app in an emergency, wait through a loading time of about two seconds, and then press this emergency button. It would be much faster and more intuitive to dial 119 or 112 immediately.”
“Still…”
“You’re right. It’s a good precaution to have it just in case. But if we place it like this, we’ll get too many false reports. I don’t mean prank calls, but reports made by mistake. Someone might press it instead of the community board right next to it, or a child might press it.”
“Ah…”
“That’s why it needs to be moderately hidden. Not on the main screen, but inside the customer center or a consultation-related page.”
The team member nodded at Eun-soo’s words.
“Ah, I understand. I’ll rework the layout.”
“Yes, thank you for your hard work.”
Eun-soo sent the team member away with a bright smile. He then looked back at his monitor. The letters and icons, not yet placed and floating in the void, made his eyes sting. Eun-soo let out a long sigh through his nose and stretched. The clock blinking below the monitor indicated it was 3 PM.
Eun-soo sprang up from his seat. He asked the team members who were engrossed in their work:
“I’m going to the cafe in front of the office. Does anyone want anything?”
“Are you getting coffee? Should I brew some for you?”
The youngest member asked, snapping their head up. Eun-soo shook his head. He could drink as much coffee as he wanted in the breakroom. This was because Do-kwon had placed an outrageously expensive coffee machine there. Moreover, he had no intention of doing something as shameless as making a team member get him a drink.
“No, no. I’m fine. I don’t want coffee; I want a drink. Like a mint chocolate smoothie or a strawberry yogurt smoothie.”
“Is the team leader treating us?”
Another team member raised their hand and asked.
“…I feel like I’ve always been the one buying the coffee.”
Eun-soo scratched under his chin with a puzzled expression. Buying coffee for the team was one of the few moments Eun-soo actually spent money. Since living with Do-kwon, he hardly ever took out his card. Because Do-kwon paid for everything from food to clothes, his credit card bill for last month was only 32,000 won.
32,000 won. Previously, there had been two more zeros at the end. These days, even an elementary school student’s monthly allowance was over 50,000 won. It was an embarrassing amount if anyone saw it.
That was why he wanted to give his useless card a chance to work, at least while he was at the office.
At Eun-soo’s ambiguous expression, the team member let out a chuckle.
“Pfft, that’s right. I’ll have an Iced Vanilla Latte.”
“Okay, Iced Vanilla Latte. Anyone else?”
“I’ll have a green tea latte with an extra shot. Iced.”
“Then I’ll have a Dalgona latte. Hot!”
Eun-soo nodded, saying he understood. He grabbed only his wallet from inside his jacket and left the office.
A cool breeze brushed through his hair. The muggy summer was passing, and autumn was arriving.
Autumn is nice. The sky is blue. It’s a good time for dressing up. Maybe I’ll go out and buy a cardigan this weekend. With those thoughts, Eun-soo passed the sandwich shop he had once visited with Do-kwon and entered the cafe next to it.
The cafe was quiet. Since it was peak working hours, there seemed to be no customers. It was likely a place where people crowded in during the morning commute, lunch hour, and after work.
“Welcome.”
An employee with a friendly impression greeted Eun-soo with a smile. Eun-soo gave a light nod and scanned the menu. He had already decided what he wanted, but still.
“One mint chocolate smoothie, one iced vanilla latte, one iced green tea latte with an extra shot, and one hot Dalgona latte. All large, please.”
The employee’s hands moved busily. After confirming the ordered menu one last time, the employee took the card.
Eun-soo decided to sit in a nearby chair and wait for the drinks. Isn’t slacking off for a few minutes like this the true charm of being an office worker?
Eun-soo gazed blankly out the window. The roadside trees were already starting to turn colors here and there. The leaves fluttering with every gust of wind were incredibly beautiful. The pop songs softly playing in the cafe were also pleasant.
As Eun-soo spent his time leisurely with a smile on his lips, the sound of another customer entering rang out with a chime. Eun-soo glanced toward the entrance. It was an unconscious action.
But the customer who entered was…
“Uh…”
“Uh… Team Leader Yu?”
It was a familiar face. Eun-soo stood up. The customer who had entered also rushed toward Eun-soo in a single stride.
“You are Team Leader Yu, right!”
“Mi-young…”
She was a team member from when he worked at Seong-jin. The one who always had “I kind of want to die” on her lips. Surprised by the sudden encounter, Eun-soo froze, unable to greet her properly, while Mi-young fluttered about, repeating “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.”
“It really is Team Leader Yu! Oh my, what is this? How do we meet here? I’m out on a field assignment and just stopped by this cafe. It’s a mint chocolate hotspot. But to think Team Leader Yu is here! Oh, you’re wearing your employee ID? Do you work around here? Where? Why are you working there? Aren’t you coming back to Seong-jin? I can’t tell you how shocked I was when you suddenly resigned after the accident. All the team members were so worried.”
Eun-soo felt dizzy from the torrent of words pouring out.
“Uh… ah… that is…”
“You changed your phone number and just evaporated. We were incredibly worried at first, but later we felt a bit hurt.”
“Ah…”
“You were really too much. How could you…”
“I was hospitalized for nearly a year.”
“…What?”
Mi-young’s mouth hung open. The machine-gun fire of words stopped. In the suddenly quiet atmosphere, Eun-soo let out a sigh through his nose. He then had Mi-young sit in the seat next to him. Sitting awkwardly, Mi-young stared intently at Eun-soo. She was subtly scanning his body, as if checking if his limbs were all still attached.
At her unchanging nature, Eun-soo let out a soft laugh. He then calmly listed what had happened.
“As you know, I had a car accident.”
“Yes, you did…”
“I was very, very badly hurt. I didn’t have the luxury to keep working, so I resigned. I’m sorry I couldn’t get in touch. I wasn’t in a good state, so I couldn’t attend to that.”
“Ah…”
“It’s true that I work at a company around here. It hasn’t been long. A little over a month, maybe.”
“I see…”
Eun-soo and Mi-young briefly exchanged updates. Eun-soo learned about the team members, and Mi-young learned about Eun-soo’s situation in a very fragmented, partial way.
The conversation paused for a moment. Mi-young glanced at Eun-soo’s expression. It seemed she had something more she wanted to ask. Eun-soo nodded, giving her permission.
“Did you… break up with Director Seo?”
“Ah, Do-kwon?”
It was an expected question. While Eun-soo was pondering how to explain this, Mi-young poured out more information that he hadn’t even asked for. It was like a burst dam.
“After Team Leader Yu’s accident, the Director didn’t come to work for a while either. Then he returned about a month later, and his face was really, really bad. He was so gaunt, like someone about to die…”
“…”
“I was shocked that such a handsome man could break down that much. His face remained bad for a long time after that. It got to the point where I wondered if Team Leader Yu had actually passed away. That ex-traordinarily handsome face was so lifeless, ugh…”
“I… see.”
Do-kwon had grieved his death deeply. While he had been hiding away, pretending to be dead, Eun-soo had never deeply considered what state Do-kwon had been in. Although Do-kwon had occasionally mentioned Saturdays, trees, or donuts, he hadn’t listened attentively.
Eun-soo’s own days hadn’t been peaceful either. The days of opening and closing his eyes in a hospital bed. The days of taking handfuls of pills, doing rehabilitation exercises, having psychiatric counseling, and crying for Bom in the early morning.
He had no desire to recall those times.
Eun-soo listened quietly to Mi-young’s story. Hearing about Do-kwon from another person felt strange. It was strange, but also interesting.
Seeing Eun-soo’s intense focus, Mi-young seemed excited and told him more.
“He’s better these days, but it’s not like he’s completely fine.”
“…Why? Isn’t he… okay… now? It’s been a long time.”
Eun-soo asked with a puzzled face. Do-kwon seemed fine lately. He commutes to work and leaves work with him, in a way. Does he do something else at work instead of working? Or is his appearance a mess? That shouldn’t be it.
…Actually, he didn’t know. Engrossed in his own work, he hadn’t paid any attention to whether Do-kwon wore clothes to work or if he ate while working. He didn’t feel the need to care.
Still, he didn’t think Do-kwon was such a mess that someone else would judge him as not being okay.
As Eun-soo tilted his head, Mi-young continued chatting.
“You’re right. It’s been a long time. So I thought he’d gotten a bit better… No, I’m not sure about that either. How often would I meet the Director? But there was a quarterly report meeting a few days ago. Several people, starting from the team leaders, gathered, and the Director came too. I went in as an assistant to the team leader who came after Team Leader Yu.”
“…”
“About an hour into the meeting. While the management support team was giving their quarterly report, he yawned—he actually yawned!”
“He… yawned?”
“Yes. Not like an old man with his mouth wide open and greedy, but he covered it with his hand. But as you know, in a big meeting like that, everyone is just reading the Director’s mood. So there was no way not to notice.”
“Ah…”
“So the atmosphere became really bad. It wasn’t that the management support team’s presentation or performance was bad. I got scared, wondering if there was something he didn’t like or if he was bored, but he didn’t say much even after the presentation. He just asked a few questions, gave some suggestions for improvement, and that was it.”
“…”
“And after that, he yawned sporadically. He drank three cups of coffee throughout the meeting, and his eyes were bloodshot… Rather than bored, how should I put it, he looked very tired.”
“…”
“You know, that face we had back in college when we spent a whole month napping in the computer lab while pulling all-nighters for our graduation project. Exactly that face. Does he have a lot of work lately?”
Mi-young narrowed her eyes and stroked under her chin. Eun-soo looked at her, unable to laugh or cry.
Do-kwon is tired. Although Eun-soo was the priority, Do-kwon was someone who worked hard when he worked. He was a smart man. To think he would yawn during a meeting.
Then again, he had never seen Do-kwon sleep properly. For several months since he entered Do-kwon’s house, hadn’t he been choosing to stay on the sofa?
No, it was lucky if he even slept on the sofa. He would sit slanted, staring into his tablet, dozing off, and checking if Eun-soo was sleeping well. His condition must have been a mess. He probably hadn’t slept more than four hours a night for months.
To think he hadn’t known… Moreover, he had never seen Do-kwon yawn. Or had he? Maybe he just didn’t remember because he hadn’t paid attention.
A shadow fell over Eun-soo’s eyes. If a design team member, who was far removed from Do-kwon, could tell his condition was unusual, those close to him would know even more.
Perhaps there were people trying to drag him down from the director position, claiming he lacked ability and qualification. There were so many people with eyes gleaming like hyenas, salivating to find a flaw in Do-kwon.
Or there could be a health problem. Stress alone takes a toll on health, so how much worse would it be if he couldn’t sleep?
That… shouldn’t happen.
He hated him, but he didn’t want him to be completely ruined and wandering the streets. He didn’t want him to suddenly collapse and die young. He didn’t want to see him ailing in a hospital. Even if that happened, he didn’t think it would feel satisfying.
Eun-soo was naturally clumsy at hating or resenting someone. Still, a person has to live. Still, they shouldn’t get hurt. That came first.
As Eun-soo chewed his lower lip, the cafe employee placed a coffee carrier with four drinks in front of him. Because the conversation had been long, the employee had delivered them to the table.
“Your coffee is ready.”
“Ah, thank you.”
Eun-soo thanked them with a bright smile. Then he looked at Mi-young and forced a smile.
“Mi-young. I’m just out for a moment while working.”
“Ah, of course, you should get back. I’ll just buy my coffee and go quickly too. I kind of want to die just thinking about going back to the office.”
Mi-young nodded vigorously and stood up. Eun-soo stood up as well.
“…”
“…”
Their eyes met. Eun-soo’s lips parted. Let’s see each other again. He wanted to say those words, but they wouldn’t come out. He was still afraid of appearing before people.
Eun-soo ended the encounter with the ambiguous phrase, “Then, get home safely.” And as he turned around.
“Team Leader.”
Mi-young called Eun-soo. Eun-soo swallowed hard and looked at her. Mi-young stepped a bit closer to Eun-soo and whispered softly.
“If it’s okay… can I tell the team members that I ran into Team Leader Yu by chance and that you seem to be doing well… and pass along your regards?”
At those words, Eun-soo’s eyes widened. Then he soon let out a laugh and nodded.
“…Of course. I’d be… really grateful if you did.”
Team Leader Yu is doing well. He didn’t die. He thought that kind of rumor would be okay to circulate. Then, if he happened to meet someone else by chance in the future, he felt he could leisurely exchange greetings.
“Goodbye, Mi-young. Let’s have a drink sometime.”
“I’d love to. My phone number is the same. Contact me anytime.”
Mi-young smiled brightly. Eun-soo smiled back. After locking eyes for a moment, the two parted in opposite directions. Mi-young headed to the counter to order, and Eun-soo headed for the door.
It was a short meeting, but one where he gained a great deal.
* * *
After finishing brushing his teeth, Eun-soo entered the bedroom. Do-kwon, who had been sitting on the sofa, stood up as if he had been waiting. In his hand was a tube of medicine.
It was a medicine given by the hospital where he went for physical therapy every weekend, with instructions to apply it and massage it frequently. When applied, it felt cool and tingling like a pain relief patch.
Eun-soo sat on the edge of the bed. Do-kwon pulled over a stool and positioned himself in front of Eun-soo. He then carefully took Eun-soo’s hand and laid it flat on his own thigh.
Soon, a cold liquid poured thickly over the wrist. The unsightly scar was covered by the translucent medicine.
“Does your wrist hurt when you work?”
Do-kwon asked while carefully massaging the wrist.
“No, it’s fine. Just… a tingling sensation occasionally.”
At Eun-soo’s gentle answer, Do-kwon’s brow furrowed deeply.
“That’s why it hurts. As a team leader, you’re in a position where you should just be managing people. Reporting, reviewing, pointing out flaws, and passing things through if they’re okay. Just do that. Why do it yourself? Should I hire you more team members?”
“No. I enjoy designing.”
“…….”
At the immediate refusal, Do-kwon’s lips twisted crookedly. He couldn’t help it if Eun-soo found it enjoyable, but he still felt dissatisfied.
Do-kwon massaged Eun-soo’s wrist with a bit more care. He kneaded the palm and fingers gently. When the doctor first asked him to massage the hand, he had the naive thought that he was just happy to be able to hold Eun-soo’s hand. Now, he was doing it with a sense of mission.
It was because he absolutely hated that Eun-soo was in pain because of the past—because of him.
As Do-kwon painfully watched the scars reveal themselves as the ointment absorbed, Eun-soo called his name in a low, breathy voice.
“Do-kwon.”
“Yeah?”
“I want to sleep now.”
“Ah, okay.”
Wiping his hands with a wet wipe, Do-kwon lifted the neatly arranged duvet for him. But Eun-soo didn’t move. He just sat there, staring up at Do-kwon. Puzzled, Do-kwon raised an eyebrow, and then—
“I want to sleep alone.”
Eun-soo dropped a bombshell.
“……What?”
Do-kwon let the duvet drop. Did wanting to sleep alone mean he wanted Do-kwon to leave? Or did it mean Eun-soo was leaving? Anxiety surged in Do-kwon’s eyes. Eun-soo let out a sigh through his nose and sat up.
“Let’s sleep separately from now on.”
“……Why, why? Is there something you don’t like?”
“I don’t like the way you sleep.”
“……Huh?”
It was a difficult statement to comprehend. He didn’t like the way he slept? Did he snore? Did he grind his teeth? Or maybe he talked in his sleep? No, that wasn’t it. He had never slept that deeply in the first place. Then what could have offended Eun-soo?
As Do-kwon narrowed his eyes and desperately pondered the reason, Eun-soo shook his head.
“How long are you going to keep curling up on the sofa just to close your eyes? Aren’t you tired?”
“Ah, if that’s the case, not at all. I’m fine.”
Do-kwon’s face brightened considerably. That was nothing. He had long since reached a state of enlightenment regarding fatigue and sleep. Those were things he had lived with for over two years since Eun-soo died.
However, unlike Do-kwon, Eun-soo’s expression turned cold. He looked at Do-kwon with eyes tinged with slight irritation.
“Why on earth are you being like this?”
“…….”
“Are you afraid I’ll run away while you’re sleeping? That I’ll leave you and go far away? That I’ll disappear forever?”
“……Eun-soo.”
Do-kwon couldn’t bring himself to deny it. Because Eun-soo’s guess was correct.
Do-kwon was afraid.
He was afraid that while he slept, Eun-soo would abandon him and leave. That he would vanish as if he had evaporated.
Or, that everything from the moment he met him at the memorial park until now was all a dream. That he had finally gone mad and created an illusion of Eun-soo. And that when he woke up, he would snap out of this ecstatic fantasy. It was terrifying.
That was why, even if he succumbed to pouring sleep and closed his eyes for a moment, he would often bolt awake before an hour had passed. His heart would sink, and he would urgently search for Eun-soo. Then, seeing Eun-soo sleeping soundly on his bed, he would feel relieved.
But he couldn’t say this plainly. Do-kwon just clenched his molars tightly before letting go, and Eun-soo scolded him in a sweet voice.
“If I were going to run away, I would have done it long ago. If I felt I absolutely couldn’t escape, I would have used that knife to stab my own throat, not yours.”
He gestured with his chin toward the knife that still sat prominently on the bedside table.
“…….”
Do-kwon followed his gaze to the knife. He had given it to Eun-soo, telling him to kill him and leave, but in the end, it was a knife with Do-kwon’s own name written on the handle. Eun-soo was the one wielding it, and Do-kwon was the one who would be hurt; it was a knife left there for Do-kwon’s own selfish reasons. Because he knew well that Eun-soo wouldn’t be able to grip it.
Do-kwon wondered how to navigate this conversation. What kind of bullshit excuse should he use this time to refuse Eun-soo’s request? As he racked his brain, Eun-soo stepped closer with a much softer expression.
“Do-kwon. I’m working now. I have team members, and I’m satisfied with this job.”
“…….”
“Of course, it’s a position you beautifully and carefully built for me, but I’m still going to work hard. I’m telling you, I won’t throw all that away and disappear just to avoid you.”
“…….”
“If you’re doing this because you treat me as someone without a sense of responsibility, then I’m sorry.”
Eun-soo turned his head away. Do-kwon shook his head vigorously as if to say that wasn’t it.
“I don’t treat you like that, Eun-soo.”
He knew very well how serious Eun-soo was when he worked. Even when they were lovers, regardless of the situation or environment, he never neglected his work. For him to treat Eun-soo as irresponsible was impossible. It was truly unfair to be misunderstood like that.
While Do-kwon chewed on his lower lip, Eun-soo picked up his phone.
“I’ll sleep in the guest room. You sleep here, Do-kwon. I won’t run away, so don’t worry.”
At that, Do-kwon quickly blocked Eun-soo’s path.
“No. No, I’ll go. You sleep here.”
He hurriedly gathered his things, including his tablet, as if to prove it. Eun-soo’s gaze obsessively followed the moving Do-kwon.
Do-kwon looked around the bedroom with movements that matched words like ‘fumbling,’ ‘hesitating,’ and ‘shuffling,’ needlessly rummaging through various spots. After packing two phone chargers, a book, a palm-sized digital clock, and even a small lamp, Do-kwon slowly headed toward the bedroom door.
Opening the door slowly, Do-kwon looked back at Eun-soo.
“……Goodnight, Eun-soo.”
Do-kwon’s face, as he delivered the goodnight greeting in a low voice, was a mess. Anyone seeing him would think he was going to his death. Or that he had been assigned overseas and would be apart for a year or two. In any case, he had the face of someone facing a lifelong separation.
Feeling somehow like Nolbu kicking out Heungbu, Eun-soo let the corners of his eyebrows droop. However, he soon composed himself. He couldn’t let Do-kwon yawn during meetings again.
Lying in bed, Eun-soo deliberately pulled the duvet over his head.
“Yes. You sleep well too, Do-kwon.”
The greeting, blocked by the duvet, sounded muffled. Watching this, Do-kwon closed the door with a grief-stricken expression.
The heavy, lingering silence characteristic of the night settled over the bedroom. Eun-soo let out a silent sigh.
After sleeping for a while, Eun-soo suddenly snapped his eyes open. Finding the phone he had placed next to his pillow, he lit up the screen. His brow furrowed instinctively at the harsh light. Squinting, Eun-soo checked the time.
[AM 3:31]
Why did I wake up at this hour? Even after waking, he couldn’t understand it. Flipping the phone over, Eun-soo closed his eyes again. He felt at peace knowing he could still sleep for a long time.
Turning on his side, Eun-soo slid his hand under the pillow. He also rolled up the duvet and tucked it between his legs. How long had he been like that?
“Haa…….”
Sleep wouldn’t come. His body was definitely tired, and his eyes felt dry, but strangely, he couldn’t fall asleep.
Still, Eun-soo kept his eyes squeezed shut. It wasn’t the first or second time he’d had sleepless nights. There were countless times he had lain there pretending to sleep until the morning sun rose. If he just endured it, he might luckily fall back asleep.
But it was strange. Today was a bit different. It wasn’t that he was plagued by nightmares, nor was he nervous about something important tomorrow, but he kept feeling uneasy. If asked what was bothering him, he had no answer.
It felt like something was missing. Like he had lost something. Did he leave something at the office? Did he forget to send an email? Or did he leave the bathroom light on? Was there something he needed to pack for tomorrow?
Finding the source of this mysterious void was not easy. Before he knew it, Eun-soo’s eyes were open. Staring at the ceiling, he tried to find where this feeling of emptiness originated from.
After repeated, intense contemplation, Eun-soo’s mouth suddenly parted.
He had found the starting point of the void.
“Ah…….”
It was Do-kwon. More accurately, Do-kwon’s pheromone.
It had been about five hours since Do-kwon left the room. He had woken up because the pheromones Do-kwon left behind had faded. He felt the emptiness because the scent that always wrapped around him like a cozy blanket was gone.
Having slept with his pheromones close by for several months, trying to sleep without them felt incredibly hollow. The duvet felt too light, the pillow felt hard, and the air felt excessively desolate.
Eun-soo blinked his eyelids slowly.
Ah, spending the night apart from Do-kwon isn’t a good thing for me either. He only realized it now. But it couldn’t be helped. He couldn’t live like that forever, so he had to adapt to this situation.
Eun-soo bolted upright. He gave a short stretch. What would be good to do to fall back asleep?
As a last resort, should he light the pheromone scented candle the counselor had left once? No, he didn’t want that. It might make him feel nauseous and vomit. Then maybe some warm water? Yes, that would be good.
Eun-soo carefully left the bedroom. He headed down the stairs to go straight to the kitchen, but suddenly, he became curious about Do-kwon’s condition. Was he sleeping well? It would be great if he were sleeping deeply, even snoring. He needed to relieve some of the fatigue he had accumulated.
After a moment’s hesitation, Eun-soo entered the hallway opposite the kitchen. It was the hallway where the guest room was located.
Eun-soo pressed his ear against the guest room door. It was quiet. Not a single sound of snoring, nor any sign of presence.
He’s… sleeping, right?
Eun-soo’s eyes rolled. If it was quiet, he must be sleeping. That was the logical conclusion, but strangely, his feet wouldn’t move. A bizarre desire to confirm with his own eyes whether Do-kwon was behind this door and sleeping well stirred within him.
After hesitating for a moment, Eun-soo finally succumbed to the desire of curiosity. Gripping the doorknob, Eun-soo turned it very carefully and slowly. Soon, the door clicked open. Eun-soo opened the door by exactly one span—just enough to peek his face in.
And as he scanned the room.
“……Huh?”
Under the dim light, the bed was empty. There were only traces that someone had lain down and then gotten up. Even those traces looked as if someone had briefly covered themselves with the duvet and then immediately left.
Opening the door wider, Eun-soo tilted his head. Then, he took a deep breath. There was almost no scent of Do-kwon. The scent was even fainter than in the bedroom where he had been. It meant Do-kwon hadn’t stayed here long.
Closing the door, Eun-soo let out a hum from his throat and headed to the kitchen. Did Do-kwon go out? At this early hour? Did a problem suddenly arise at the company? As he scratched the nape of his neck and tracked Do-kwon’s whereabouts, a soft light suddenly seeped over the top of his feet.
It was light flowing out from the kitchen. Eun-soo snapped his head up.
Do-kwon was sitting at the dining table, tilting a glass.
A bottle of strong liquor stood tall beside him, and there were no side dishes. There wasn’t even any water, yet the liquor bottle was half empty.
Furthermore, Do-kwon’s appearance under the indirect lighting was truly, utterly haggard. He hadn’t noticed when looking closely, but from a distance, it became clear how much weight he had lost and how sallow his skin had become. It was to the point where, despite seeing this face every day, he felt as awkward as if he were looking at a complete stranger.
To think he hadn’t noticed while Do-kwon was in that state. It was shocking.
“……Do-kwon?”
Eun-soo called Do-kwon in a whisper. At that, Do-kwon startled and looked at Eun-soo. Surprise filled his eyes.
“Eun-soo, why aren’t you sleeping…….”
“And what are you doing awake, Do-kwon?”
Eun-soo strode toward Do-kwon. Then, he sat opposite him and stared intently. There was a smell of alcohol. The pungent smell of alcohol characteristic of strong liquor. To drink half of this. At this hour. After he’d sent him away to sleep. Not sleeping. Overdrinking…….
Eun-soo glared at Do-kwon. At that, Do-kwon let out a small chuckle.
“I drank because I couldn’t sleep. I thought maybe I could sleep if I drank.”
“…….”
Despite Do-kwon’s explanation, Eun-soo’s glare didn’t soften. Do-kwon subtly changed the subject.
“Why did you come down?”
“Just…… I thought I’d have a glass of warm water…….”
“Ah, I’ll get it for you.”
Rising without hesitation, Do-kwon approached the water purifier. Pouring hot water halfway into a light cup, he mixed in cold water. Gauging the temperature by holding the cup in his hand, he added a bit more cold water before placing it in front of Eun-soo.
Eun-soo gave a short thank you. Sipping the water, he gazed at Do-kwon with suspicious eyes.
“You say you couldn’t sleep?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
A man who hadn’t slept properly for months can’t sleep? Even after lying in a perfectly fine bed? Until this hour? And after drinking this much alcohol, he still can’t sleep? For Eun-soo, it was a completely incomprehensible situation.
At Eun-soo’s repeated questions, Do-kwon tapped the table with his index finger. Then, he answered like a sigh.
“Because I’m away from you.”
“…….”
Drinking the water again, Eun-soo froze. It was because it was a completely unexpected answer.
Why because he’s away from me? Because he’s afraid I’ll run away? Or is it that Do-kwon also feels the emptiness of my pheromones being gone? But Do-kwon doesn’t have any problems with pheromones. He didn’t have pheromone shock, nor does he have aftereffects.
As Eun-soo racked his brain trying to understand Do-kwon, Do-kwon rubbed his face with his hands and called him.
“Eun-soo.”
“Yes.”
“When I lived thinking you were dead. I slept even less than I do now.”
“……What?”
“Sleeping pills didn’t work, so I had to take a handful of narcotic sleeping pills to…… barely be able to close my eyes.”
“…….”
Eun-soo’s mouth closed in a straight line. It was an uncomfortable story. A story of Do-kwon from the time he was gone. His grip tightened on the cup.
“That was because you thought I was dead.”
“That’s true. But…… now I can’t sleep because you’re not in front of my eyes. It still feels like I’m dreaming. I feel like you’ll disappear when I wake up. Not that you’ll run away, but that you’ll just vanish like a phantom. Even this moment, I wonder if it’s all my dream, or if I’ve gone mad and am creating an illusion.”
Stupid, right? Do-kwon let out a self-deprecating laugh, as if he found his own thoughts ridiculous. A thick smell of alcohol wafted along with that laugh.
Eun-soo wrinkled his nose. Not because the smell was foul, but because Do-kwon’s wretched state hit him vividly. To be so afraid that he might be crazy, that he might have created an illusion, that he couldn’t sleep…….
It seemed Do-kwon, not him, was the one who needed psychiatric counseling.
As Eun-soo pondered how to comfort Do-kwon, Do-kwon’s eyes suddenly distorted gloomily.
“Eun-soo, can I…… can I just stay by your side? I’ll stay still, without saying a word, without doing anything, just like I’ve been doing…….”
“…….”
“I’ll just look at you…….”
It was a series of desperate sentences. Even just listening, Eun-soo felt his chest tighten and his ribs grow heavy. His shoulders kept sinking. His breathing became scratchy, so he had to keep drinking water.
After finishing the glass of water, Eun-soo set the cup down with a clack. Do-kwon’s broad shoulders flinched.
Suddenly, Eun-soo bolted upright from his seat. His shadow, cast against the indirect light, stretched long and reached the top of Do-kwon’s head. Circling halfway around the table, Eun-soo grabbed Do-kwon’s wrist firmly.
“Follow me.”
As Do-kwon looked at Eun-soo with surprised eyes, Eun-soo dragged him along.
“Hurry.”
“Uh, okay…….”
Startled, Do-kwon stood up and, equally startled, began to follow Eun-soo. Eun-soo strode across the living room and climbed the stairs quickly, taking them two at a time. Fearing that he might trip in the dark of the night, Do-kwon followed him up, supporting the small of Eun-soo’s back.
The destination was the bedroom. Standing before the bed, Eun-soo let go of Do-kwon’s wrist. At the loss of warmth, Do-kwon unconsciously felt a pang of regret. Then, as he tried to gauge what on earth Eun-soo was planning to do, Eun-soo pointed to the bed and spoke.
“Lie down.”
“……Huh?”
“I said lie down.”
“…….”
Do-kwon blinked with a foolish expression. Lie down? Where? On the bed? Now? Suddenly? Why? His face was full of such questions. At the blank Do-kwon, Eun-soo frowned.
“Ah, hurry. Before I change my mind.”
“Uh, okay…….”
At Eun-soo’s irritation, Do-kwon quickly laid his body on the bed. Right in the middle. At that, Eun-soo scowled again.
“Move to the side. Where am I supposed to lie down?”
“Huh? Lie down? You too?”
Do-kwon felt as if he had ridden a rollercoaster and a Viking ship ten times in a row. He was dizzy, disoriented, and unable to process the words Eun-soo was saying.
Even in this state, his body, instinctively obedient to Eun-soo, shuffled toward one side of the bed.
Eun-soo then lay down on the opposite side. He smoothed out the crumpled duvet with a few pats, giving half to Do-kwon and pulling the other half up to his own shoulders. Then, he lay with his back turned to Do-kwon.
“…….”
Still unable to fully grasp the situation, Do-kwon blinked. He couldn’t understand how this had happened or why on earth he was lying in the same bed as Eun-soo. Despite this, the corners of his mouth twitched, repeatedly trying to curl upward.
Whether Eun-soo noticed or not, he gave a low warning.
“Don’t come close.”
“Okay.”
“We’re just… just sleeping, like this.”
“I understand.”
Do-kwon nodded without a single word of complaint. Just sleeping like this was more than enough. Even if Eun-soo had told him to kneel beneath the bed all night, he would have nodded in agreement. To actually lie down together—for Eun-soo to take pity on his situation—he felt he could die right now with no regrets.
No, let’s not die just yet. If I must die, I’ll do it after this dream-like night has passed.
Do-kwon smiled faintly and pulled up the covers. Unlike Eun-soo, he turned to face him. He could see Eun-soo’s back. It was a completely different view from when he sat on the sofa. It was much closer, more vivid. The realization that this moment was reality and not a dream hit him with striking clarity.
Do-kwon stared at the back of Eun-soo’s head for a long time. Then, miraculously, sleep came. Sleep, which had never come no matter how exhausted or tired he was, washed over Do-kwon like a gentle spring breeze.
Blinking his heavy eyelids, Do-kwon whispered.
“Eun-soo, sleep well.”
“…….”
Eun-soo didn’t answer. Whether he had already fallen asleep or was pretending not to hear, it didn’t matter. Because right now, he was lying in the same bed as him. Because he could hear the faint sound of his breathing.
“Sorry for being a nuisance.”
“…….”
“Thank you.”
Most of the things Do-kwon said to Eun-soo ended in apologies or expressions of gratitude. Sometimes, like now, they came in succession. It was because he was always sorry and always grateful.
Eun-soo remained silent until the end. Still, the smile clinging to Do-kwon’s lips showed no sign of fading. He slowly closed his eyes. It had been so long. Closing his eyes without sleeping pills, and sleeping with such a peaceful heart.
It was all thanks to Eun-soo’s immense generosity.
Because of that, he felt he could love Eun-soo even more tomorrow than he did today.
* * *
Eun-soo hugged the duvet he was holding tighter. However, for some reason, the duvet felt hard. It didn’t rustle like crumpled fabric, and it was even hot. Eun-soo frowned slightly at the unfamiliar sensation. Then, a single finger gently pressed his brow to smooth the frown.
“Mmm…….”
Eun-soo curled his head away from the bothersome touch.
“Sorry.”
A low voice apologized. Eun-soo suspected it was the owner of the finger that had pressed his brow.
The finger withdrew, and Eun-soo’s face regained its peace. The drowsiness that had briefly surfaced pulled him back down. Just as he was about to fall asleep, he suddenly sensed something strange. Eun-soo pushed up his heavy eyelids and snapped his eyes open.
“…….”
“…….”
His gaze met a pair of black pupils. It was Do-kwon. Do-kwon was right in front of him. They were less than a hand’s span apart.
Eun-soo’s expression distorted. Why was Do-kwon here…? Feeling a mixture of bewilderment and displeasure, he recalled what had happened just before he fell asleep. Ah, right, they had fallen asleep in the same bed.
…But he didn’t think they were this close. Hadn’t they fallen asleep at opposite ends of the wide bed? Eun-soo looked at Do-kwon with a face full of confusion. Then, Do-kwon smiled brightly and spoke.
“You can sleep more. There are about 20 minutes left before the alarm goes off.”
“…….”
His voice was utterly peaceful. Unlike Eun-soo’s bizarrely distorted face, Do-kwon’s face was full of an inexplicable happiness and vitality.
Eun-soo narrowed his eyes. Why was he smiling like that first thing in the morning? Was it because he slept well? If so, that was a relief… thinking this, he fiddled with the duvet in his arms.
But it was hard. There was no way a duvet could be this hard. Eun-soo instinctively looked down. What he was hugging wasn’t a duvet, but…
“…….”
It was Do-kwon’s arm. Gah! Startled, Eun-soo threw Do-kwon’s arm away and scrambled to the edge of the bed. In the process, his arm sank into the plush mattress, and he lost his balance. His legs became entangled in the duvet, flopping like a mermaid.
Eun-soo rolled straight off the bed. The wind brushed past his ears—it wasn’t that high of a drop. Just as he squeezed his eyes shut, thinking he was falling, a firm arm wrapped around his waist.
“You have to be careful.”
Do-kwon had approached him in an instant. He lifted Eun-soo back onto the bed with one hand. Their gazes locked at a close distance.
“…….”
Eun-soo froze, holding his breath. Then, Do-kwon personally untangled the duvet from Eun-soo’s feet. Just as his legs were freed and Eun-soo was about to push his chest away to make an excuse, Do-kwon intercepted the opportunity.
“Just in case you’re wondering, I really didn’t move an inch, Eun-soo.”
At those words, Eun-soo bit his lower lip hard. He shouldn’t have said it “just in case.” He had known the moment he opened his eyes that it wasn’t Do-kwon who moved, but that he himself had rolled over to him. Do-kwon, who had slept by the window, was still with his back to the window. So there was no need to point it out.
After chewing his lip for a while, Eun-soo murmured in a voice that was barely audible.
“I’m… sorry.”
“For what?”
“For… getting so close?”
The corner of Do-kwon’s mouth twisted crookedly. Propping his arms on either side of Eun-soo’s body, Do-kwon leaned in and asked.
“……You’re not apologizing because you actually think this is something to apologize for, right?”
“Uh…….”
Eun-soo shifted his eyes to the side, avoiding gaze. Confusion, bewilderment, and embarrassment were overflowing across his small face. It was an excessive reaction for simply hugging an arm in his sleep. It likely meant he was that unfamiliar with such close proximity.
Do-kwon let out a sigh through his nose. Then, he curled his lips into a smile.
“I liked it. How could I not like being close to you?”
“…….”
“I even thought about turning off the alarm in secret so you wouldn’t wake up.”
“…….”
“So you don’t have to be sorry.”
“…….”
Eun-soo’s eyelids moved slowly. Do-kwon stared intently at him. He had watched Eun-soo the entire time he slept by his side, but the awake version of him was different, making him want to keep looking. To want to see someone even while looking at them—he wondered if that phrase had been coined specifically for this feeling.
After a few seconds passed, Eun-soo squirmed out of Do-kwon’s reach. He then lowered his feet to the floor.
“I… I need to wash up.”
“Already?”
“Yes, already.”
Eun-soo headed for the bathroom without looking back. His bare feet, having forgotten to put on his house slippers, made a slapping sound against the marble floor.
Do-kwon watched his back until he completely disappeared. Then, as the faint sound of running water began to drift over, he let out a heavy sigh.
What a shame. I wanted to be with him a little longer.
Do-kwon ruffled his hair messily. Then, he reluctantly got out of bed. It was okay. He only had to endure about fifteen more hours. He would be able to sleep with him again tonight.
He had waited two years; fifteen hours was nothing.
It wasn’t a short amount of time, but it wasn’t long enough to be unbearable. Do-kwon tilted his head from side to side. His body felt much lighter. It must be because he slept well last night. It was only four hours, but it was a very deep sleep.
He had slept four hours in the past too, but he used to wake up three or four times, barely sleeping. Today, he hadn’t woken up once. It was because he could feel Eun-soo clinging to his arm even while asleep. Therefore, there was no need to open his eyes.
He didn’t know how long it had been since he felt this light and cheerful.
Do-kwon smiled. It felt like it was going to be a good day.
* * *
“Eun-soo, I’ll wait for you over there.”
Do-kwon said, pointing to the chairs in front of the consultation room. Eun-soo nodded and stepped inside.
Today was the day he was meeting his psychiatrist after a long time. Previously, he had met once a month. Recently, between working and receiving physical therapy on weekends, it had been a little over a month since his last visit.
“Welcome, Eun-soo.”
The counselor greeted Eun-soo with a bright smile.
“Yes, hello.”
Eun-soo greeted her with an awkward curl of his lips. He then hesitantly sat in the chair. His pheromones had returned to normal, and he no longer longed for death like before. There was no reason to be particularly anxious. Yet, strangely, he became nervous whenever he faced the doctor.
As Eun-soo fidgeted with his fingers, the counselor sat a short distance away with a file.
“Shall we begin?”
“Yes.”
“How have you been feeling lately?”
“Just so-so. Not bad.”
“Not good, either?”
“Uh…… no. When things are good, they’re good.”
“Are you sleeping well?”
“Yes. I sleep well.”
A series of routine questions followed. They weren’t difficult. Eun-soo answered them steadily without much thought. The thought of having to continue this unpleasant conversation for another hour made his chest feel tight.
Then, the counselor suddenly gave a small clap and laughed.
“Wow, do you realize this is the first time since we started counseling that you’ve answered that you sleep well?”
“Ah…….”
Eun-soo’s jaw dropped slightly. Was that so? Had it been like that? Come to think of it, he didn’t think he had ever said anything positive here. No matter what she asked, he had repeatedly denied everything. But it was surprising that he had even denied the basic question of whether he slept well.
It meant that in the year since he had met her, there hadn’t been a single time he had slept well.
Eun-soo stared at the edge of the table and thought deeply. If so, why did he, who hadn’t slept well for a whole year, answer “I sleep well” without a second thought today?
Was it just a habit, like answering “Yes, I’m doing well” when someone asks “How are you?” No. If that were the case, he would have repeated such light lies to the counselor all this time. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d said he slept well.
And in truth, he did sleep well. He rarely woke up during the night. Though when he did wake, he tended to stay awake. Why did it become like this? Why did he start sleeping well?
While Eun-soo was lost in thought, the counselor continued her questions.
“If you’re sleeping well, I assume you’re not having nightmares either.”
“Yes. It’s been a while since I had any. I’m so tired from the workload at the company… that I fall asleep as soon as I lie down. Maybe it’s because I don’t have time to think about anything else.”
Eun-soo answered softly. Previously, he had many thoughts and imaginations before falling asleep. What kind of nightmare will I have today? Will my parents burn to death? Will Bomi, covered in blood, cry until the world tears apart? Will Do-kwon throw me away and leave? Will Seong-heon, shrouded in a black shadow, hack me to pieces? When he fell asleep after such worries, he invariably had one of those nightmares.
But lately, he had no time for such worries. Because his eyes, tired from staring at a computer screen all day, screamed at him to sleep immediately.
“That’s good. I hope you stay busy for a while longer.”
Eun-soo let out a faint smile and nodded at the counselor’s words. He would likely be busy for a few more months. Since it was a company he had just started at, he had to focus solely on work until he established himself.
The counselor, writing something in the documents, posed another question.
“How is the place where you’re staying now?”
“Pardon?”
“I understand you’re staying at Director Seo’s house. I heard he came with you today as well.”
“Ah…… I said I’d come alone, but he insisted on coming along…….”
“Oh dear, that must have been bothersome.”
The counselor furrowed her brows in sympathy. He hadn’t cursed or made a blatant accusation, but Eun-soo felt her expression was too extreme. Eun-soo touched the rim of his ear and subtly avoided her gaze.
“Uh…… well…… I’ve adjusted. It’s not that bothersome……. He’s not much different from a driver…….”
It was unclear who he was trying to convince with these half-hearted additions.
“Is that so?”
The counselor asked with a smile. Eun-soo gave a weak nod. She wrote something else in the documents. Then she asked another question.
“So, how is the place where you’re staying? Do you plan to stay there?”
“…….”
“I believe you’ve been there for quite a while. Isn’t it suffocating or uncomfortable? Have you really adjusted?”
“…….”
Eun-soo’s cheeks stiffened at the question, which felt somewhat sharp. As he licked his dry lips and swallowed his answer, the counselor coaxed him in a gentle voice.
“I’m not scolding you; I’m asking because I’m worried. After all, Director Seo is a Dominant Alpha, and he’s the person who contributed significantly to your nightmares.”
Eun-soo couldn’t affirm or deny; he only chewed his lip. Had he adjusted to being in Do-kwon’s house? Was it not suffocating or uncomfortable? The answer came easily. He had adjusted. He had adjusted to the point where he didn’t have nightmares and slept soundly all night, to the point where it would feel awkward without Do-kwon’s pheromones.
However, he couldn’t say those words plainly. Because he was embarrassed. He was too embarrassed that he had adjusted to Do-kwon. He felt she would scold him, asking how he could be like that. He feared she would criticize him for having no pride or for forgetting the past.
Eun-soo’s silence grew long. The perceptive counselor intentionally shuffled through the papers, pretending to be uninterested in his answer.
“If it’s uncomfortable, shall we move on to another question?”
“No, no…….”
Eun-soo shook his head. Swallowing hard, he slowly opened his mouth.
“I did think about whether it’s okay for me to keep staying there, whether this situation is normal, and how the relationship between that person and me should be defined.”
“Yes, and?”
“But…… now I don’t know. I feel too much fatigue in thinking about those things, worrying, and searching for answers. So now, I just…… don’t want to think about it.”
“…….”
“I’m clearly aware that this isn’t right, that it’s wrong……. But I don’t know where or how to start fixing it.”
“…….”
“It’s hard. If the answer turns out negative—meaning it’s right to break up with that person and live our own lives—I don’t have the confidence to carry that out. I don’t think he would let me, I don’t have the confidence to overcome him and run out of the house, and I have even less confidence to live in hiding for the rest of my life…….”
“…….”
“Ah, I don’t mean I want to run away right now. It’s a hypothesis, a hypothesis.”
A hypothesis of what if… Eun-soo’s voice trailed off.
Based on who Do-kwon had been so far, he would not give up on him. Then he would have to live under someone else’s name in a place outside of Seoul again. He wouldn’t be able to hold a proper job, he’d have to eat meat at restaurants alone, and he would repeat a life of wasting time in a daze.
He really…… hated that.
Eun-soo’s face grew damp. He wished his relationship with Do-kwon were clear, but he couldn’t see the end of it. So for now, he had given up on worrying. Because it was easier to pretend not to know, to pretend everything was fine.
To the sorrowful Eun-soo, the counselor spoke in a sweet voice.
“You don’t necessarily have to find an answer. No one is rushing you, so you don’t have to force yourself through painful worries.”
“…….”
“It’s even better if you forget. Burying the past in time—especially burying a bad past—is a very good remedy for you, Eun-soo.”
“……Is that so?”
Eun-soo lifted his head, which had been hanging low. Forgetting is good? That can be a remedy? For some reason, he felt better. He felt as if he had received confirmation that becoming numb to the past wasn’t a bad thing. But that feeling didn’t last long.
…Then what about the tears I shed in the past? The blood I spilled? My daughter who died? Thinking that, he became depressed again. He felt motion-sick from the constant oscillation of his mood.
As Eun-soo narrowed his brow at his throbbing temples, the counselor said softly.
“Perhaps the fact that you’re sleeping well without nightmares already provides the answer.”
“Ah…….”
Eun-soo let out a small exclamation. That was true. Without him knowing, the answer might have already been found.
But in truth, he wanted to ignore that answer. His strongest desire was simply to maintain the peace provided by this ambiguous lifestyle.
Eun-soo and the counselor exchanged many more words after that. An hour passed in a flash, and she told him he could leave for today. To Eun-soo, those words felt as welcoming as a release order. With a noticeably lighter expression, Eun-soo rose from his chair.
“I’ll see you next month, Eun-soo.”
“Yes, thank you.”
Eun-soo gave a slight nod and left the consultation room. The moment the door closed, the counselor took out her phone and called someone.
“Yes, Chairman. Yoo Eun-soo just left.”
Outside the consultation room, Do-kwon was on the phone with someone. It seemed to be a work-related call. Management terms poured from his lips, his brow furrowed.
Eun-soo made no effort to announce his presence and waited for the call to end. Leaning against the wall and watching Do-kwon’s profile, he felt a strange sensation. It was because Do-kwon’s face, tinged with slight irritation, felt both unfamiliar and familiar.
When he had lost his memory, he had faced a Do-kwon with that expression every single day. He had fought, clung, and called desperately just to see a face like that. But since meeting again, Do-kwon had never made such a face in front of him, making it feel incredibly awkward.
Had that difference in Do-kwon created the version of him that existed now?
Eun-soo rubbed his eyelids vigorously and let out a sigh. It wasn’t a loud sigh, but Do-kwon snapped his head around to look at him.
“Oh, Eun-soo. Are you finished?”
He beamed at Eun-soo. The face that had been radiating a cold chill instantly turned gentle. Witnessing that gap with his own eyes, Eun-soo let out a hollow laugh. Do-kwon ended the call with a short “Hang up,” and strode toward Eun-soo with his long legs.
“…….”
Despite having approached him, Do-kwon said nothing. His lips parted as if to say something, but they quickly closed again. How was it? What did she say? What did she tell you? Is something else wrong? There were many things he wanted to ask, but he felt he had no right to.
He was the reason Eun-soo was drifting in and out of a psychiatric clinic; what would be the point of prying? He would only end up being hated by Eun-soo for no reason. Licking his dry lips, Do-kwon skillfully changed the subject.
“You have to go to physical therapy today, too. If you’re tired… should we push it to next week?”
At those words, Eun-soo stared blankly at Do-kwon. An hour of counseling—he had just sat there chatting. Why would he be that tired? In the past, this one hour had felt like grueling labor, and he had complained of fatigue. But not today. It was quite bearable.
Eun-soo shook his head.
“I’m okay. Let’s go.”
Do-kwon’s face brightened visibly. It was a rare occurrence for Eun-soo, who usually showed his distaste whenever the mention of the hospital came up, to agree so readily. With an excited look on his face, Do-kwon asked,
“Then should we eat something before we go? Tteokbokki, or maybe just some coffee?”
Eun-soo blinked at the suggestion. Then, suddenly, he burst into a giggle. At the sound of the clear laughter, Do-kwon looked bewildered, as if he had been hit on the back of the head.
“Why are you laughing?”
“Because you’re like a mother coaxing a childish kid.”
“Huh?”
“Right now, Do-kwon, you’re like a mother coaxing a child who doesn’t want to go to an academy.”
“……Is that an insult?”
“I wonder.”
“Does it… mean you don’t like it?”
“I wonder.”
“Then what?”
“I wonder.”
“……Eun-soo.”
Do-kwon, his eyebrows knitting together, called Eun-soo’s name pleadingly. Even so, Eun-soo gave no answer to his question. He simply passed by Do-kwon with a beaming smile. Do-kwon followed him hurriedly, wrinkling the bridge of his nose.
What is a child who doesn’t want to go to an academy? What does a mother do to such a child? Do-kwon had never attended an academy in his entire life. During his school years, he did most of his studying alone, and occasionally a tutor came to the house.
Nor had he ever whined to Myeong-hui about not wanting to study. Thus, there was no way for him to know what a mother of a child who hates academies does, or what that implied.
Presumably, an academy is a place for studying, and studying is a necessity, so a mother would have scolded a child who refused to do it, out of parental duty. But isn’t scolding a bad thing?
But he had never scolded Eun-soo. How could he possibly dare to scold Eun-soo? No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t find the answer.
That evening, Secretary Jeong received an abrupt message from Do-kwon.
[Eun-soo says I’m like a mother coaxing a child who doesn’t want to go to an academy. What does this mean? Is it a compliment?]
The fact that Secretary Jeong burst into laughter upon seeing that message was a secret Do-kwon would never know.
* * *
It was Friday night. Having sent his team members home on time, Eun-soo remained alone, staring at his computer. He was conducting a final review of the banner ads that would start next Monday.
On the large monitor in the distance, the text [As of today, ‘238’ parents have welcomed the ‘First Season’ with their children] flickered softly.
Eun-soo’s mouse clicked busily. Around 9 PM, the phone on his desk began to vibrate repeatedly. The caller, as always, was Do-kwon.
Eun-soo swiped the answer button and brought the phone to his ear.
“Yes, Do-kwon.”
Eun-soo. I’m in front of your office.
“Ah, I’ll come out now.”
No, there’s no need. Come out when you’re finished. I’ll wait.
“……I’m done. I’m coming out now.”
After notifying him, Eun-soo ended the call. No matter how often he heard Do-kwon say he would wait, it was hard to get used to. It felt suffocating that such a busy man volunteered to waste his time on the street every time.
Eun-soo shut down the computer, tidied his desk, grabbed his jacket, and left the office. As he stepped out of the building, he saw Do-kwon’s familiar car.
In truth, Eun-soo had a car too. When he started working, he had brought the one he’d left parked at his home in Gyeonggi Province. But he hadn’t driven it once. It was because Do-kwon always gave him rides.
He felt there was no need to go this far, but he didn’t know how to bring it up.
The moment Eun-soo emerged from the office building, the car door opened and Do-kwon stepped out hurriedly. He then naturally took the bag from Eun-soo’s hand. It wasn’t even heavy, containing nothing more than a laptop, and the car was right in front of them. Yet, he always insisted on carrying it for him.
“It’s cold, why aren’t you wearing your jacket?”
Do-kwon remarked, noticing the jacket draped over Eun-soo’s arm. At those words, Eun-soo belatedly realized the season. Not long ago, he had thought autumn was coming, but it was now full-blown autumn. Winter would probably arrive in a few weeks.
Perhaps that was why the night air was quite chilly.
“You’re right. It is cold.”
Shuddering, Eun-soo shrugged his shoulders high and hurried toward the car. Do-kwon let out a long sigh as he got into the car and turned the heater up high.
“It’s not that cold.”
Eun-soo smiled sheepishly as he fastened his seatbelt. Regardless, Do-kwon held his hand in front of the vent to check if warm air was coming out.
Once the interior of the car had warmed up, they set off. Eun-soo stared blankly out the window. Teheran-ro, now largely emptied of office workers, looked desolate. It was a unique landscape that only those working overtime could see.
Do-kwon’s car, which had been cruising down the open road, came to a stop as they entered Gangnam. The scenery outside became flamboyant. Various electronic billboards were flashing.
“Aren’t you hungry? It’s been a while since you had dinner.”
Do-kwon asked.
“Pho. Pho with lots of meat.”
Eun-soo answered as if he had been waiting for the question. It was funny how he blurted out the menu without even being asked what he wanted to eat. However, Eun-soo didn’t seem to find it strange. The eyes longing for pho sparkled more than the brilliant neon signs.
“I want fried rice and bun cha, too.”
At that, Do-kwon chuckled and turned the steering wheel.
A variety of dishes filled the table. Do-kwon tore open a pair of wooden chopsticks he had ordered separately and placed them in front of Eun-soo. Eun-soo was preoccupied with scooping up the steaming broth with his spoon. His plump lips pursed into a circle as he sipped the broth; for some reason, it was… beautiful.
Do-kwon barely touched his own food, content to watch Eun-soo. Eun-soo quickly polished off a bowl of pho. Every time he saw it, he wondered how all those noodles from such a large bowl could fit into that slender body.
Do-kwon cleared the empty bowl from in front of Eun-soo and pushed the fried rice toward him. Eun-soo grinned and began working his spoon diligently again. Just as the fried rice was nearing the bottom, Do-kwon called him in a low voice.
“Eun-soo.”
“Yes.”
Eun-soo answered while pressing the fried rice firmly onto his spoon.
“I have… some work this weekend.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. So I don’t think I can come home.”
At those words, Eun-soo’s hand stopped abruptly. He had work. He couldn’t come home. In other words, he was staying overnight. And since it was the weekend, he wouldn’t be home for not just one day, but both Saturday and Sunday? Was he going on a business trip?
Well, business trips weren’t unheard of for Do-kwon. He was a director of a multinational corporation and often had to travel for short or long trips.
When they were dating in the past, Eun-soo had followed him to Europe, the US, Hong Kong, and Japan.
While Do-kwon worked, Eun-soo would spend his time shopping and visiting famous restaurants, and they would spend their evenings together. They had gone through immigration together. Since they were in the height of their love, just sitting side-by-side on a plane was incredibly exciting and joyful.
But he didn’t know why it felt so disconcerting today. It felt as if a bolt of lightning had struck the crown of his head.
Eun-soo put down his spoon. His cheeks, which had been puffed with happiness from the delicious food, flattened.
“Is it… urgent work?”
“Yeah. I can’t get out of it. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. It’s not something you need to be sorry to me for. When… are you leaving?”
“Tomorrow morning.”
“Ah… then when are you coming back…?”
“I’m not sure. It might be Sunday night. If it’s late, it could be Monday night.”
At the ambiguous answer, Eun-soo pressed his lips tight. He didn’t know when he’d return. What kind of business trip was that? For someone of Do-kwon’s rank, shouldn’t the schedule be fixed? That’s how it had been before. While meetings might run long by two or three hours, the margin of error had never been a whole day.
If he returned Monday night, they would be apart for three days. Did he no longer fear that Eun-soo might leave? Was he now a ‘caught fish’? Or had work become more important than him?
“Do you… absolutely have to go?”
“Yes. Absolutely.”
At Do-kwon’s firm affirmation, a sense of pettiness welled up beneath Eun-soo’s chin. Then, he suddenly snapped back to his senses.
I’m crazy. I’m thinking all this about someone going to work. Moreover, hadn’t Do-kwon been unable to focus on work at all since meeting him? He probably had a mountain of backlogged tasks. For a man who always prioritized Eun-soo in his life to be away for three days meant the work was that important.
And… was he even someone who had the right to complain?
The current relationship between Do-kwon and himself was the pinnacle of ambiguity. Not friends, not lovers, yet not strangers either. Former lovers living in the same house. It was so pathetic and miserable that it would be embarrassing to tell anyone.
And yet, he was trying to interfere with a professional schedule. He shouldn’t do that. Eun-soo donned a mask of indifference, pretending nothing was wrong.
“……Okay. Have a safe trip.”
Having said that, Eun-soo picked up his utensils again. The grains of rice scattering in his mouth felt like pebbles.
* * *
“Ugh…….”
Eun-soo, who had been looking at the computer in the study, stretched deeply. He glanced at the digital clock on the desk.
[PM 3:47]
“Ha…….”
A hollow laugh escaped Eun-soo’s lips. His shoulders were stiff and his eyes were dry, so he thought at least three or four hours had passed. To think only 40 minutes had gone by. He couldn’t believe it.
Eun-soo flopped face-down onto the keyboard. The computer beeped as his forehead pressed the keys, but he didn’t care in the slightest.
“Why is time moving so slowly…….”
The mumbled words drifted miserably through the study.
Today was Sunday. It was the second day since Do-kwon had left. In the meantime, Eun-soo had done many things. He worked, and since Do-kwon had told him not to forget to go to the hospital, he had gone to physical therapy alone.
Since Do-kwon had made the appointment, he didn’t have to register or wait, but the time spent at the hospital felt so tedious and long that he had wanted to run away.
Anyway, he had gone. Then he showered, watched a movie alone with a beer, and intentionally went to bed late. Despite that, his eyes snapped open at 7 AM.
He tried to force himself back to sleep, but it was useless. His body was tired, but his mind was excessively alert. It was a distressing state.
He rolled here and there, ate, showered, and bought coffee from a nearby cafe. Even so, time wouldn’t pass, so he sat in the study thinking he might as well work. And yet, it was only 3 PM.
What had he done on weekends when he was with Do-kwon? He didn’t think they did anything in particular back then either, but this weekend felt exceptionally long.
Eun-soo turned his face the other way and lay flat. His eyes met Bomi’s neatly placed shoes. His body instinctively bolted upright.
“…….”
Standing before the white shoes, Eun-soo stared at them blankly. Then, he neatly aligned the slightly disarrayed shoes. He gently stroked the toes with his thumb. The soft texture made his heart ache.
Eun-soo’s emotional line, which had been precariously swaying, began to plummet toward the bottom. When alone, the fall was so effortless.
The depression he had lived forgetting for a while began to nibble at Eun-soo’s toes. That depression traveled up his ankles, up his shins, and reached his knees in an instant.
It was just as Eun-soo’s focus was slowly scattering and his eyes were about to turn completely clouded.
Ding-dong.
A loud doorbell rang, shaking the entire house.
Startled, a shiver ran down Eun-soo’s spine. The sound hitting his eardrums made him feel as if his heart had dropped. A doorbell. It was extremely rare for the bell at Do-kwon’s house to ring. Moreover, with multiple layers of security, it wasn’t easy to even press the bell.
They rarely ordered delivery, and when packages arrived, the security guard usually received them and contacted Do-kwon separately. Thus, the sound of the bell was alien.
Who on earth. At this time on a weekend. For what reason.
Eun-soo’s face filled with worry. Nevertheless, his feet were heading down to the first floor. He had to check who had come.
Eun-soo finally stood before the intercom. It had taken a considerable amount of time to get from the second-floor study to the first-floor entrance, but the bell had rung only once and not again.
Was it a patient person? Or did they press it by mistake? A delivery worker who got the address wrong? Or perhaps… Seong-heon? Had he somehow sensed Do-kwon’s absence and come to visit?
Swallowing hard, Eun-soo pressed the talk button on the intercom. The black, dead screen flickered to life. And a familiar figure appeared.
Eun-soo placed a teacup in front of the visitor. The characteristic bitter scent of black tea rose quietly. Placing a teacup in front of himself as well, Eun-soo sat opposite them. He glanced at the unexpected visitor and quickly lowered his gaze.
Red-painted lips. A slender face. Fine skin that made it hard to gauge their age. A well-tailored suit.
The person who had rung the bell was none other than Myeong-hui.
“I’m sorry for coming without notice, Eun-soo.”
“No. You’ve just… come to your son’s house.”
“I’ve come to see you, who is in my son’s house.”
“…….”
Eun-soo fidgeted with his fingers hidden under the table. It had been a very long time since he had faced Myeong-hui like this. Since being discharged from the hospital after the car accident, he hadn’t seen them once. They had only spoken on the phone occasionally. Myeong-hui had been extremely reluctant to appear before Eun-soo. It seemed they also considered themselves a sinner.
Myeong-hui stared intently at Eun-soo. Although they had heard about his current status from informants scattered around Eun-soo—such as doctors and counselors—seeing him with their own eyes brought a fresh wave of emotion.
“You’ve… gained some weight,” Myeong-hui said.
At those words, Eun-soo’s cheekbones flushed red. Had he gained weight? Well, he had been eating well lately. Do-kwon always made sure he had breakfast, lunch at the office was always delicious, and for dinner, they had toured all sorts of famous restaurants. He had often drunk alcohol and snacked, so there was no reason he wouldn’t gain weight.
As Eun-soo wondered how to respond, Myeong-hui smiled gently.
“It’s a compliment. When you were discharged from the hospital… you were very thin. You look good. I think you’d look even better if you gained more.”
“……Was I like that?”
“Yes. You looked like it was hard for you even to walk. I’m glad you look better now, Eun-soo. Truly glad. It’s just like when I first saw you.”
Eun-soo forced a small smile. Being told he looked better was a compliment, yet he didn’t know why he felt so uneasy. Was it because the place where he faced Myeong-hui was Do-kwon’s house? Or was it because they had seen every possible side of one another, the good and the bad? They had once been so affectionate.
A brief silence fell. Myeong-hui sipped her tea. Eun-soo held his breath, waiting for her to speak.
Myeong-hui had come knowing that Do-kwon was not home. She had mentioned earlier that he had come to see her. That meant she must have something to tell him. What could it be?
He suspected it wouldn’t be anything pleasant. With the relationship between him and Do-kwon being so ambiguous, there was no way anything good would come out of Myeong-hui’s mouth.
Perhaps she would tell him to finally stay away from her son.
Two years of dating, the six months Do-kwon spent with memory loss, the two years spent living apart while pretending to be dead, and then until now. This tangled relationship of nearly five years, a wretched bond that had never left behind a single good thing, must have been a thorn in her side.
As Eun-soo chewed on the inside of his cheek, Myeong-hui set her teacup down with a clink. Eun-soo hitched his breath.
“It was six months. That is what Do-kwon vowed to me.”
“…Pardon?”
“It is autumn now, so a little over six months have passed.”
“What does that… mean?”
Eun-soo couldn’t understand. What kind of vow had Do-kwon made to Myeong-hui? Since it was a conversation that took place in his absence, he had no way of gauging it.
Myeong-hui looked steadily at the confused Eun-soo.
“I mean the day you and Do-kwon met again in the winter. He told me then. He asked for one year—no, just six months. He said he would make sure you stayed by his side, no matter what.”
“…”
“So he told me not to hide you during that time. He practically flew into a rage, saying he would do something terrible otherwise. He had the nerve to use you to threaten me.”
“Ah…”
Eun-soo let out a small sigh. So that was it. He wasn’t surprised. Hadn’t Do-kwon snatched his phone at the memorial park and barged into the gallery, obsessing over food? It was obvious he had acted just as recklessly with Myeong-hui when she tried to protect him.
As Eun-soo nodded in understanding, a crack appeared in Myeong-hui’s elegant face. Her neck, which had always been held high and straight, slumped pitifully.
“It was nothing more than a pathetic threat. I could have ignored it. Eun-soo, I… I just stayed still.”
“…”
“I could have hidden you away immediately, sent Do-kwon abroad, or done any number of things, but I didn’t.”
“…”
“I suppose I wanted to give him a chance, since I am still Do-kwon’s mother.”
“…”
“The boy kept wasting away… he kept dying. I felt like he might just drop dead one day. I wondered how that sturdy, brazen child could become so fragile. Even as a mother, I found the thought of losing my child terrifying.”
“Chairwoman…”
“I am truly sorry, Eun-soo, for leaving you to Do-kwon without even asking for your consent.”
Myeong-hui apologized in a powerless voice. She was the one who had hidden Eun-soo beneath the guise of death without his agreement, the one who had made him live under another’s name, and the one who had deceived her son. In the end, she had only made things difficult for Eun-soo again. She had forced that scarred child to bear the burden of the things she had done.
He was too ashamed to lift his head.
“…”
Eun-soo shifted restlessly, not knowing what to do. He wasn’t sure if Myeong-hui had committed such a great wrong. At every moment, she had made the best choice she could. As a mother, she wanted to protect her son, and as a mother, she wanted to clean up the mess her son had made.
It was simply that various things she couldn’t control had accumulated to bring about this current situation. Among those things were Eun-soo’s own choices and Do-kwon’s choices. Therefore, it was wrong to blame Myeong-hui entirely.
Silence descended. Eun-soo had never learned how to comfort an adult older than himself. He had never learned how to politely decline when such a person apologized. So, he simply remained silent.
Then, Myeong-hui brushed back her slightly disheveled hair and looked at Eun-soo. Her damp eyes had suddenly become as sharp as a tiger’s.
“But the six months Do-kwon spoke of have passed. I believe I have given Do-kwon’s circumstances enough consideration. I believe I have done everything I can as his mother.”
“…”
“Now, the choice is yours, Eun-soo.”
“…Pardon?”
Eun-soo tilted his head. A choice? What was he supposed to choose? As he frowned slightly, Myeong-hui leaned forward and spoke in a low voice.
“If you want to throw Do-kwon away.”
“…”
“I will help you do it.”
At those words, Eun-soo took a sharp breath. He had expected something, but this was unexpected. He had wondered why she had come to see him while Do-kwon was away.
Eun-soo felt as if his lungs were shrinking. His throat tightened. His breath didn’t circulate smoothly, tangling like thick phlegm.
His heart hammered violently; he couldn’t tell if it was the excitement of finally being liberated from Do-kwon, or an inexplicable sense of anxiety.
“Ah… uh… that is…”
As Eun-soo stammered, avoiding the answer, Myeong-hui took a firm stance.
“Your current life won’t change. You can keep working at the company, and I’ll find you a house near here. This time, instead of you, I will send Do-kwon away.”
“Away… to where…?”
“Well, the US branch, the new India branch—I’ll send him somewhere far.”
“…”
“As long as I am in power, Do-kwon will not be returning to Korea. And by the time I retire and he is forced to return, at least ten years will have passed. By then, wouldn’t Do-kwon have forgotten you?”
In an instant, Eun-soo felt a phantom sensation as if someone were gripping his Adam’s apple. The breath he had been scraping in was cut off entirely.
Who forgets me? Do-kwon forgets me? Is that possible? Even if ten years pass, can he really forget me? And once he forgets? Will he meet someone else, fall in love, and even start a family?
Then… then what about me?
Can I forget Do-kwon? Yes. In ten years, I might be able to forget. But what if—just what if—I can’t? When Do-kwon’s face suddenly comes to mind, when I have nightmares, when I miss Bomi, who do I pour those emotions out to? Who comforts me, and in whose arms do I cry?
Eun-soo chewed his lower lip, agonizing over it. But the answer did not come easily. He couldn’t even be certain of tomorrow; how could he possibly gauge ten years into the future?
“Do I… do I have to tell you now?”
“Do you need time to think? How much?”
“Uh…”
With a tense expression, Eun-soo tapped his knees like he was playing a piano. Should he say a day, a week, or a month? He couldn’t decide. As Eun-soo’s silence stretched, Myeong-hui leaned back deep into her chair.
She then took a wide look around her son’s house, which he rarely visited. It was spacious and clean; it seemed he was managing the household well. Though she doubted he did the cooking or cleaning himself…
Myeong-hui murmured to herself as she lifted her teacup.
“Still, he left the house because of a rut. I suppose he’s not a complete animal yet.”
At those words, Eun-soo snapped his head up. A word he couldn’t believe had come out of Myeong-hui’s mouth.
“…Ru-rut? Who? Do-kwon?”
Eun-soo hurriedly calculated the dates in his head. What was today’s date? When was Do-kwon’s rut? But calculating it wasn’t easy. It had been an eternity since he had witnessed Do-kwon’s rut.
He left the house because of a rut? Not a business trip?
Come to think of it, Do-kwon had been strange. He hadn’t revealed the destination of the trip. He had said it might be extended, leaving a margin of error of one day. Furthermore, if it were a weekend trip, he would have asked Eun-soo to go along. A man who said he couldn’t sleep without him had left the house alone without hesitation.
He should have sent a message asking if he was doing well, where the trip was, or if the meetings were over. He hadn’t done so because he thought asking such things would be strange.
Well… even if he had, would a man who had already lied to leave have honestly confessed the truth?
As Eun-soo’s eyes darted back and forth, Myeong-hui arched one eyebrow.
“Do-kwon didn’t tell you?”
“No… he just said he had work. That he had work over the weekend and couldn’t come home… so I thought he went on a business trip…”
“…”
Myeong-hui kept her mouth shut. Eun-soo’s lips parted and closed like a goldfish. A heavy silence settled over the two of them.
* * *