LMO 84

“Do you think I don’t think about anything? Do you think I don’t worry about you? Because you protect me, do I have to be ignorant of whatever happens to you? Do I not even have the right to know if something happens to you? Is that what you think is safe?”

Hae-jun, who had been shouting furiously, grabbed Hae-min’s arm like a drowning man clinging to a straw. Hae-min looked at his twin with confused eyes.

“I’m afraid you’ll get hurt if this keeps up! Not just getting hurt…”

Hae-jun’s shouting, which had reached its peak, suddenly dropped to a heavy, falling tone.

“Like that time… when you had the accident……”

“……”

His heart lurched.

Looking at Hae-jun’s face, his furrowed brow naturally softened, and his jaw dropped. The words he had been searching for in his confusion were swept away by the flood of emotion.

Hae-jun still seemed unaware of his own expression.

It was desperate and earnest. Like someone cornered at a cliff, desperately trying to grasp even a rotten rope.

In that sight, Hae-min remembered a childhood day he recalled vividly.

He looked just like that on that day. The day they were separated.

That was the day he was selfish for the first time.

He had firmly believed his parents’ promise to come and be with him this time, and his heart had eagerly awaited his kindergarten recitation.

Hae-jun, who had been frail since birth, practically lived in the hospital. His twin brother monopolized the parents’ attention day and night, and while young Hae-min couldn’t help but feel resentful, he was the elder twin who was praised for being sensible. Because he loved his sick twin brother, he could endure it with composure.

But not that day.

It was a recitation he had prepared for weeks. It was scheduled for the evening, and all parents were supposed to attend. They said there would be a family party too. Hae-min even asked his sick twin to beg their parents to come to his recitation just once. In the end, his parents left Hae-jun with a caregiver to sleep at home and attended the recitation.

The memory of that day was as vivid as yesterday. Standing alone on the bright stage, looking down at his parents sitting side-by-side in the darkened audience, reciting each line of the poem clearly and bravely.

-Rolling and playing,

A lost seashell

Longs for its mate.

With each line of the poem he finished safely, the kindergarten teacher, who was more nervous than him, smiled brightly and nodded approvingly.

-A shimmering seashell,

Longing like me.

The sound of the waves, the sound of the sea.

As he finished the poem with a flushed face and a clear voice, his friends and parents filling the auditorium applauded him enthusiastically, smiling brightly as if proud.

-Hae-jun, are Hae-jun’s parents here?!

The auditorium door burst open. The duty teacher, who had rushed in from the office, and his parents, who startled and rose from their seats, then rushed out of the auditorium following the teacher. He, who had been descending from the podium full of hope to receive praise in his parents’ arms, was left alone. The teacher, who took him and led him under the podium.

Seong Hae-min remembered that day clearly.

-Sob… Hae-jun… Why is this happening to our Hae-jun…

That was the day his only twin, who called him ‘Hyung!’ and followed him affectionately, sometimes making him a little jealous for monopolizing all of their parents’ attention, was rushed into the operating room.

-So I told you! You shouldn’t have gone to the recitation for no reason…

-Do you have the right to say that?

-Are you blaming me now? Who would want to raise a heartless cripple!

-Cripple? Have you thought of Hae-jun that way until now?

-Don’t yell. That was just a slip of the tongue due to emotion…

-I gave birth to him! What do you know!

Although there were often arguments about Hae-jun’s health, the parents, who usually tried to appear harmonious in front of the children, fought loudly for the first time without regard for his presence.

-Teacher… it’s all my fault.

This was clearly a punishment. Hae-jun, who always called him ‘Hyung’ and followed him, had harbored bad thoughts, and this was the consequence.

Even at his innocent age, he wasn’t completely unaware. Hae-jun knew that his parents paid him special attention. Perhaps feeling guilty about it, Hae-jun often glanced at Hae-min and deliberately followed him more. Even knowing all that…

He had thrown a tantrum. Knowing that his twin was sick and needed his parents’ attention and care, he had harbored feelings of dislike for his brother and acted selfishly.

Large tears like pearls streamed down Hae-min’s eyes.

-No, Hae-min. You did nothing wrong. It’s okay. I know you love Hae-jun, teacher. So let’s pray for Hae-jun’s safe recovery.

The teacher, who had brought him to the hospital after his parents had already left the auditorium, told him so, but Hae-min felt that everything was a punishment for his selfishness.

That his beloved twin suddenly fell gravely ill, that his usually affectionate parents finally exploded like a gunpowder keg, raising their voices and arguing harshly, and that he could only cry helplessly by their side.

-I made my own efforts too!

-What do you… what do you know…!

Doctors and nurses rushed in, tearing at the man’s shirt and pulling the sobbing woman away from him. The unconscious woman was carried away by someone. The man, with a flushed face, swept his hair back and muttered a curse to himself.

A child left alone, with no one to care for them, cried, holding their breath. They only cried their eyes out, pressing their feverish forehead against the cold hospital wall. There was no one to hate or resent but themselves.

The child repeated prayers, not knowing to whom they were addressed. “I was wrong, please forgive me just once.” And.

“Please, save my beloved Hae-jun.”

Perhaps their desperate prayer was heard, for the day after the storm-like night, Hae-min received news that his twin brother was safe. The major surgery, which had lasted over ten hours, had barely succeeded. Even the doctors who performed the surgery said that God had guided their hands.

Hae-min cried again, this time from relief. And he made a vow.

I must say I was wrong. I must ask for forgiveness. I must tell him I love him as much as I love myself.

However, he could not see his twin after that day. His childish promise became infinitely powerless and meaningless in the face of adult circumstances.

The parents, who had already been arguing frequently over Hae-jun’s situation, grew even more estranged after Hae-jun’s surgery. They divorced, each taking one of the twins with them. Therefore, for Hae-jun, who had to remain in the hospital to recover, young Hae-min had no chance to tell him he loved him.

That is why Seong Hae-min remembered that day so clearly.

It was a day etched into him like a scar.

Hae-jun’s face, as he gripped his arm, showed desperation and earnestness. Seeing such an expression, Hae-min couldn’t push him away. His childhood flashed before his eyes like buoys.

He had wanted to shield Hae-jun from anything bad, covering his ears and eyes, protecting him without any worries in a cozy greenhouse.

He had been wrong.

Ban Pyo-ran’s words to Hae-min came back to him, scratching at his heart.

“…Even from my perspective… Hae-jun seems very lonely.”

It wasn’t until Hae-min reached high school that he could have a proper conversation with Hae-jun. Their parents, having failed to reconcile, had each remarried and moved abroad. Hae-min and Hae-jun chose to stay in Korea, by each other’s side, rather than follow their parents overseas.

The timid and tearful Hae-jun had become indifferent and distant. Yet, his childhood self hadn’t entirely disappeared. Hae-min could still find traces of the child who confessed, “But… if I say I’m hurt, won’t Hyung miss his picnic…?” in his changed twin.

In the time they hadn’t seen each other, Hae-jun had become better at hiding things and more adept at it. He often got lost in his own thoughts, and would frequently start to speak only to stop himself.

Hae-jun acted as if all his problems would be solved if he excelled in his studies and got into a good university, gaining his parents’ approval. It was as if the college entrance exam was his only lifeline.

“Hae-jun loves you and your friends very much, but conversely, precisely because he loves you so much, he’s terrified of acknowledging his own thoughts and feelings. So….”

Ban Pyo-ran said this with a bright smile.

“When the day comes that Hae-jun honestly expresses his feelings, let’s not hurt him. Let’s accept him well. Though I know you’ll do great without me telling you this!”

Hae-min didn’t know why these words, spoken recently, were surfacing now.

Had Ban Pyo-ran known something like this would happen? Although Ban Pyo-ran had only known Hae-jun for a short time, he understood him better than anyone. Hae-min had to admit it.

Pyo-ran. I didn’t do well. I….

Hae-jun’s grip on his arm tightened, but Hae-min showed no sign of pain. If being punished could lessen his guilt, he would have welcomed it.