By Zephyria 
Chapter 4 (1)
Leaving the house with Seo Hae-young, who was heading to school, Hae-won couldn’t insist on walking. Unable to withstand Seo Hae-young’s steady gaze as he held open the passenger door for even a second, Hae-won had no choice but to climb in with reluctant steps, only to get smacked on the rear. Startled, he looked back to see Seo Hae-young blinking, having nonchalantly gripped and released his backside.
“Aren’t you getting in?”
For a man who acted like a libertine, he had a face that was disconcertingly pure. Exhausted from being pinned to the dining table in the middle of breakfast, Hae-won’s lips twitched with dissatisfaction before he finally settled into the seat. The area between his buttocks felt sore, stinging every time it brushed against the seat. While he told himself it could have been worse, he felt depressed, sensing that this kind of “accident” wasn’t normal.
“When will you finish cleaning up?”
Returning to the driver’s seat and starting the engine, Seo Hae-young asked as he pulled the car out. Hae-won fiddled with the phone in his hand and answered weakly.
“Soon… I have to contact the landlord.”
“Can’t you just leave?”
“I have to get my deposit back…”
How much was that again?
Hae-won ignored the mutterings as the man turned the steering wheel. In any case, it was a lie to delay the time he would move into Seo Hae-young’s house. He hadn’t been particularly surprised when told that a room would be kept empty for him to move in. It was exactly the kind of thing a man who found it tedious to even visit his own family home would say. He wasn’t optimistic enough to miss the implication: that Seo Hae-young intended to use him whenever he pleased.
While he was spacing out, an uncomfortable question suddenly cut in.
“Did you see my bracelet?”
“…Bracelet?”
“I took it off, but it’s gone.”
Hae-won fixed his gaze forward, avoiding the eyes glancing toward him.
“I’m not sure…”
The answer was already decided. Hae-won played innocent, clutching his pants. “Is that so?” Seo Hae-young replied, turning the wheel without another word. After wiping away cold sweat, Hae-won waited in silence, planning to feign ignorance for any further questions, but no interrogation came from those red lips. It was a relief.
Upon arriving in front of the house, as Hae-won unbuckled his belt to get out, Seo Hae-young leaned over the steering wheel and narrowed his eyes.
“Are you going to let another man into your house?”
When the answer was delayed, the crossed arms moved, and a finger formed a vulgar gesture. The index finger moved in and out of a circular loop. The repeated motion was disgustingly explicit.
“If you’re lacking, we can do it more here.”
The way he chuckled while saying it reflected a mind that was incomprehensible for even a moment. It meant he was insane. Hae-won shook his stiff head and looked down.
“I-it hurts, I can’t even if you tell me to…”
“Really? You like it even when it hurts.”
Hae-won couldn’t say that wasn’t true. Even when he said it hurt, they wouldn’t stop, so he had to force himself to feel pleasure; since he had to take another person after one finished, he had to accept the agony as ecstasy. It was the result created by the three of them. Filled with the terrifying imagination that he might one day come while being beaten, Hae-won quickly opened the door.
After giving a timid goodbye and walking toward his house, something suddenly occurred to him, and he approached Seo Hae-young’s car again. When he tapped on the driver’s side window, Seo Hae-young, who happened to be shifting gears, rolled it down. A look of “what’s this now?” pricked his cheeks, but Hae-won forced a neutral expression. Carefully gauging the mood, he stated the purpose of calling him back.
“Your card… what’s the password?”
“Password?”
Facing the suspicious furrow of the brow, Hae-won quickly added an excuse.
“C-cash is just more convenient…”
As he rambled on about the convenience of cash in a blur, Seo Hae-young slightly averted his eyes. He seemed reluctant to tell him. Just as Hae-won shut his mouth awkwardly and shook his head to turn away, a careless call reached him.
“Hey.”
A hand reached out of the window and beckoned. As he stepped closer, the palm turned downward, signaling him to lean in. The moment he slowly bent his waist, the fluttering hand instantly snatched the back of his neck. Contrary to the grip that tightened to the point of pain, a light kiss touched and then left his skin. Startled, Hae-won’s eyes widened, and he reflexively wiped his lips with the back of his hand. Finding that amusing, Seo Hae-young chuckled and blurted out as he rolled up the window.
“Birthday.”
“…The password?”
Seo Hae-young didn’t give a precise answer and closed the window. Hae-won watched the rear of the car as it narrowly escaped the shabby vacant lot until it disappeared, repeating Seo Hae-young’s birthday, which he remembered clearly.
Walking sluggishly down the dirty hallway, Hae-won’s mind was so full of complex thoughts that he didn’t notice the unstable footsteps following slowly behind him. He inserted the key he would be throwing away in a few days, and the moment he opened the door, his shoulder was grabbed and he was shoved inside. His body jolted in shock. Thinking Seo Hae-young was playing a prank again, Hae-won shut his mouth the moment he looked back.
“You haven’t left y—”
It wasn’t Seo Hae-young. A tall figure standing with the sun at his back had his head bowed low, fists clenched. As the open front door closed, a heavy silence enveloped the narrow house. Facing an unexpected person, Hae-won stumbled backward.
“You said you weren’t just testing the waters.”
A coarse voice leaked from deep within. As the bowed head lifted, a face with a swollen cheek and split lips was revealed. Rather than the ruined face, Hae-won couldn’t tear his gaze away from the vacant eyes.
The meeting of their eyes was chilling. Goosebumps raced up his arms and invaded his cheeks. In the entryway where only the sound of their breathing could be heard, the tense Hae-won spoke first.
“…Hyun-woo.”
Before he could continue, the split lips opened, and a grotesque reprimand flowed out in a mumble.
“You said we’d go together. You said we’d live together. You even said you’d try to like me…”
The agitated state of the man made Hae-won anxious. The possibility of Seo Hae-young arriving unannounced was a problem, but the meeting he had with Hyun-jeong last night also played a part. The lingering guilt produced a relatively soft voice. Intending to send him away for now, Hae-won placed his phone on the shoe rack and lightly pushed Hyun-woo’s shoulder.
“…I’ll contact you separately. If you stay here now,”
“I could do that. Meeting Seo Hae-young, I could still do that… But you could have contacted me at least once…”
But Hyun-woo cut himself off and closed the distance in an instant. As Hyun-woo, whose frame was as large as Seo Hae-young’s, approached his face, a sense of intimidation crushed his body. An inherent fear slowly reared its head.
Fortunately, Hyun-woo was generally a shy guy unless he was doing that, so Hae-won slowly lowered his hand and grabbed the thick arm. He needed to soothe him and send him back, but instinctive fear surged, and the words didn’t come out smoothly.
“Did you… meet Noona? So…”
“I tried to hold it back. I was… a bit nervous, and I thought it was okay.”
As if he couldn’t hear the words, Hyun-woo continued talking to himself, his voice trembling. That was when Hae-won became flustered. He belatedly noticed that Hyun-woo’s eyelashes were becoming damp.
“Why are you c-crying… gh…!”
The hand that had been reaching for the eyes suddenly lunged for the neck. Veins bulged on the back of the hand that gripped the long neck. Letting out a muffled groan, Hae-won scratched at the hand choking him and struck Hyun-woo’s shoulder. Hyun-woo didn’t budge, and his cheeks grew increasingly wet.
“I should at least try. When you… wouldn’t answer my calls, I…”
“H-gh, k-kh…!”
Whatever had happened in the meantime, Hyun-woo’s attitude, having lost his reason, was completely different from before. The tears falling from his distorted eyes looked both sad and angry. His face, turning crimson from the lack of blood, looked as if it would burst, but Hae-won gripped Hyun-woo’s wrist with trembling hands and gently stroked it.
“H-ha, ha-ah…!”
The words telling him to stop were crushed. In a short moment, Hae-won was slammed down into the narrow entryway.
“Gasp…!”
A distant pain surged from his chest as it hit the floor. His battered body couldn’t easily get up and only twitched weakly. Hae-won squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them, panting under the weight of the body climbing onto his back. He couldn’t breathe at all; all he could manage was a low, guttural moan.
“Do you really like that bastard? Do you like it even when he hits you? I… I really like you… I can treat you well.”
Before he could even grasp the situation, trembling hands fumbled with the waistband of his tight training pants. While the hands reached around to undo the knot, his body jolted violently, but even spitting out the cough caught in his throat was an exhausting effort. He couldn’t avoid the trembling voice that touched the nape of his neck, which was marked with bite marks.
“I’ve always liked you, since a long time ago… I really wanted to do this. Since we were kids, since then…”
The phone, which had flown far away when the shoe rack fell, twinkled and rang in the corner. He had always thought the house was too narrow to even step in, but now that corner seemed impossibly distant.
* * *
The pinned body leaned forward, and tears pooled on the bridge of his nose overflowed. Light scratches formed on Hae-won’s cheeks as they were relentlessly rubbed against the dry flooring, and more scratches piled on top, creating deep wounds. Hyun-woo pressed his groin against him, crushing the buttocks that were mottled with deep bruises and redness.
“Kh…”
Within the inner walls tightly enveloping the member, a distant sensation and the feeling of ejaculation arrived. A long, heat-filled sigh escaped. As he released the strength from the hand that had been gripping so hard it felt numb, the arm, marked with red finger prints, dropped heavily to the floor. The small sound of knuckles clashing brought back reason, and only then did Hyun-woo gasp for air.
“Ah… fuck…”
Bloodshot eyes darted breathlessly. The area around the opening, which was gaping and revealing the inner flesh, was entirely covered in whitish semen, and Hae-won, with his clothes disarrayed, lay limp and motionless as if dead. In an instant, the things he had done to Hae-won flashed through his confused mind like a kaleidoscope.
“Ah, Hae-won…”
He had pulled down the pants, pushed his member into the opening that wouldn’t close, and thrust indiscriminately. He had twisted the resisting arms and blocked the mouth that spoke things he didn’t want to hear. He had become aroused while crushing the suffering Hae-won.
To an unbelievable degree. It was something he had always wanted, but it was also something he should never have done. What burned away the reason he had barely clung to was a single sentence from Hae-won.
“If Seo Hae-young finds out…”
Every time he opened his mouth: Seo Hae-young, Seo Hae-young, Seo Hae-young, Seo Hae-young.
By the time he had been frantically searching for Hae-won, who hadn’t contacted him for days, and got slapped by Hyun-jeong, everything had already gone wrong. He said nothing to Hyun-jeong, who was clutching his chest and unable to speak, asking how he could do such a thing. Regardless of how he had come this far, his plan to take him away remained unchanged, and no matter how precious a family member was, he had no obligation to explain everything. He was simply worried about the unresponsive Hae-won. He was angry, too, but he suppressed it.
He had been holding it in well until he saw Hae-won getting out of Seo Hae-young’s car. If he had just contacted him once before that, he really could have endured it.
“Because I like you, because I like you, I did it…”
A pathetic, trembling confession full of moisture flowed from his lips, and his tear-stained face distorted hideously. With shaking hands, Hyun-woo carefully turned Hae-won’s shoulder, his lips twisting awkwardly.
“I’m sorry, I did wrong…”
He pulled out the towel he had shoved into the mouth of the now-unconscious Hae-won and pulled down the pants hanging off the thighs to strip them completely. Stroking the face soiled with tears and saliva, he kissed the scratch engraved on the cheekbone.
“Hae-won… I’m sorry…”
Muttering apologies, Hyun-woo parted the legs and pushed his member back into the wet opening. Slowly, all the way, until he could feel every single fold of the inner wall.
“Haa…”
Other than the eyelids covering the pretty eyes fluttering, there was no reaction from Hae-won, whose insides softly embraced the member without any pushing force.
“Sorry, I’m sorry…”
Every time he moved his hips, the sunken Hae-won jolted. He softly kissed the furrowed brow and sucked on the blood-stained lips, yet the tears wouldn’t stop. Because it felt terribly good, and because he felt terribly disgusted by himself for becoming aroused while looking at the doll-like, limp Hae-won.
* * *
Sinking into unconsciousness, Hae-won had a very long dream. It was a dream that vaguely depicted the past. When the black curtain lifted, he found himself in a desolate funeral hall where two condolence wreaths stood in place of mourners. A modest funeral day with no one to receive condolence money and no one to cry.
It was a three-day funeral over a weekend. Hae-won straightened his back upon spotting Go Tae-gyeom and Joo Hyun-woo, who had come wearing black suits instead of school uniforms. He told the prone Seo Hae-young that the two had arrived, but since there was no particular response, he just tapped the broad shoulder and stood up.
As soon as he wrote his name in the guestbook, Tae-gyeom, who had stepped up after taking off his shoes, stuffed the envelope containing condolence money into his suit pocket. Before Hae-won could thank him for the envelope he pulled out of the ridiculously bulging pocket, a crooked voice popped out first.
“Ah. I fucking hate this smell.”
Without a single polite word, Tae-gyeom brushed past and sat down next to Seo Hae-young, who was lying face down on the warm floor, tapping away at his phone. Hae-won, glancing back, was straightening a crumpled piece of paper nonchalantly when another envelope was placed on top of it.
“I’m too late. Sorry.”
Fiddling with the thick envelope, Hae-won this time properly expressed his gratitude, and Hyun-woo naturally stepped inside to light the incense. Tae-gyeom, who had been giggling while watching Hyun-woo bow, lay down using Seo Hae-young as a pillow. Normally, Seo Hae-young would have told him to move the moment weight was applied, but he was deeply immersed in his game, only tapping the screen. Tae-gyeom, unbuttoning his black jacket and getting comfortable, sneered while looking at the funeral portrait of a man who shared some similarities with Hae-won.
“He beat the kid every single day, so he—deserved to drop dead.”
“You sure have a way with words…”
Hyun-woo, having finished his bow, glared at Tae-gyeom with a pathetic look, and Tae-gyeom just shrugged. He even sought agreement from Hae-won, who was standing facing Hyun-woo, asking if it wasn’t actually true.
“It worked out well, I guess.”
Hae-won replied calmly, bowed back to Hyun-woo, and instead of standing up straight, he crawled forward. He lay down using Tae-gyeom’s outstretched leg as a pillow and quietly watched the incense smoke scatter.
“Lie down. It’s warm.”
When he tapped the floor, Hyun-woo laughed like a leaking balloon and took the spot beside him. Sharing the pillow of thighs and shins, Hae-won and Hyun-woo clung to one of Tae-gyeom’s legs, who was complaining about the weight, and burst into laughter. After throwing a fit for a while, Tae-gyeom finally gave up and relaxed his body.
The three of them, excluding Seo Hae-young, looked at the ceiling and shared trivial conversation. Things like how he died, or that they didn’t think there would be a funeral. Hae-won answered everything he could remember, not feeling a shred of sadness. Though it felt a bit bleak, he figured he would manage to live somehow, just as he was now.
When the conversation paused for a moment, he suddenly felt a hand patting his chest. Turning his head, he saw Hyun-woo, who had only tilted his neck in the same position, smiling mischievously with a furrowed brow.
“Tell me if it gets hard. Anytime.”
Even with his lacking intuition, Hae-won could tell it was sincerity disguised as a joke. “What are you talking about.” He pushed the arm away and let out a mindless laugh. He was inwardly grateful, but he was at an age where embarrassment came before expressing his emotions. Tae-gyeom, who roughly shook his leg saying it gave him goosebumps, also played a part. Smiling with curved eyes, Hae-won hesitated and looked at Hyun-woo again. For some reason, he felt that if he didn’t say it now, he would never be able to.
Just as he opened his lips to thank him for coming.
The kind face distorted like a demon.
His scalp tightened as if someone were pulling his hair. It was a sense of crisis. While he noticed the strangeness, a hand reached out in an instant and gripped his neck. Under the brutal grip, his Adam’s apple bobbed violently, and choking sounds escaped. But like he was on mute, nothing could be heard. He struggled with his legs, but Hyun-woo eventually climbed onto his stomach, saying something while strangling him. Not a single word flowing from the open mouth could be heard.
Save me. His lips moved, but he didn’t know if a voice came out. In desperation, he turned his arm and clawed at Tae-gyeom’s thigh, but the solid sensation slipped away like incense smoke. Tae-gyeom, who had moved above his head at some point, was laughing while admiring the sight of him being strangled. As his eyes rolled, he saw Seo Hae-young. He had put down the phone he’d been holding the whole time and was just watching with a smirk…
“Aaagh!”
A scream erupted. His blocked ears suddenly cleared, filling with loud screams and tinnitus.
“Hae-won, what’s wrong…!”
His gaze, unable to find a center, darted frantically in all directions before landing on Joo Hyun-woo, who was rushing toward him. As the man with bloodshot eyes and a distorted face drew closer, Hae-won’s breath came in ragged gasps. He felt as if he were dying. Pushing aside the cozy blanket covering him, Hae-won bolted toward the kitchen, tripped, and scrambled desperately into a corner by the sink. Dreams and reality blurred into a chaotic mess.
“Hae-won!”
As Hyun-woo approached, an overwhelming terror consumed him. Pressing his back firmly against the wall, Hae-won threw everything he could get his hands on, retreating further into the dead-end corner.
“D-don’t come closer…! Don’t come near me!”
A plate shattered against the wall and a metal pot clattered across the floor, causing a startled Hyun-woo to stop in his tracks. Clutching a glass bottle from a nearby pile, Hae-won swallowed the breath that had risen painfully to the tip of his throat.
“Put that down… Hae-won. Please?”
“Don’t come, don’t…”
The ringing in his ears gradually faded, replaced by the sounds of everyday life. The faint hum of the refrigerator, the frantic thumping of his heart, the sound of water… the sound of droplets falling drip, drip from the faucet and hitting the bathtub…
No. This house has no bathtub. A sound that shouldn’t exist drowned out everything else, ringing loudly in his ears. Dropping the empty bottle, Hae-won covered his ears and curled his body into a ball.
“Stop it, I don’t want to. I won’t do it…”
A delayed sob escaped him. He thought he had gotten out, thought he had finally escaped, but he hadn’t moved a single step from that bathroom. The cold tiles, the darkness, the sound of water, and the humans who rotated in and out. He was still there.
“Hae-won… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have, but I was just so angry. I’m sorry…”
Hyun-woo rushed over and knelt, reaching out. The moment he grabbed the wrist covering Hae-won’s ear, Hae-won twisted his entire body as if having a seizure, and Hyun-woo pulled him into a tight embrace. He bound the body that was flailing wildly to escape and whispered, stroking the thin back with trembling hands.
“I’m sorry, I messed up… Stop this and try to breathe properly, okay?”
Hyun-woo buried his face in the shoulder of Hae-won, who shifted from screaming “no” to mumbling in a diminished voice. Hyun-woo blinked through eyes clouded with misery. He was scared. There had been times when he felt irritated whenever Hae-won acted like this, but now he was terrified to the point of tears. What if he never came back to his senses? What if he never smiled like he used to? Negative imaginations flooded in instantly. He felt like he was going crazy not knowing what to do, yet he couldn’t loosen his grip. Hyun-woo whispered “I’m sorry” dozens of times, cradling the body as the strength drained out of it.
After screaming and struggling until his voice went hoarse, Hae-won’s head slumped, and he leaned his forehead against Hyun-woo’s shoulder, exhaling ragged breaths. Once the breathing stabilized, Hyun-woo gently pushed the now-quiet Hae-won away and cupped his cheeks with both hands. He lifted the face that lacked the strength to even support its own neck and examined it thoroughly.
“Are you okay? Hae-won…”
He tried to meet those vacant eyes, but he grew anxious, feeling as though Hae-won was looking somewhere else entirely. He stroked his forehead and touched his cheeks to see if he had a fever, but there was no response. It was as if he had simply stopped thinking.
“Hae-won… Hae-won, please answer me…”
He kissed and caressed him as if pleading. Hae-won didn’t push him away, nor did he frown or say he hated it. Hyun-woo’s voice shook pathetically as he sobbed, begging for an answer.
“…Get out.”
Only after a long time did the tightly sealed lips part. Letting out a sigh of relief, Hyun-woo dropped his tense shoulders, bowed his head, and then gripped Hae-won’s wrist to slowly stand him up. Unable to bring himself to forcibly drag Hae-won, who seemed to shrink away from standing, he held his hand carefully.
“Let’s pack. We can go to a hotel together for a while…”
“I said get out.”
Startled, Hyun-woo looked down. Contrary to the cold tone, Hae-won was wearing a faint smile. Though he couldn’t hide the trembling, he no longer looked terrified.
“I’ll see you at the airport. I’ll go a bit late. I can’t run into Noona.”
However, Hae-won, who spoke his mind in a calm, measured tone, did not seem to be thinking rationally. Hyun-woo, his knees stiff once more, gripped Hae-won’s shoulders and shook him lightly, just enough to wake him up.
“…Hae-won.”
But the hazy gaze did not clear. He looked dazed, as if dreaming. Feeling a chill of dread, Hyun-woo grabbed his forearm, but Hae-won waved his hand and gently brushed him off.
“I said I’m going. If I don’t go, I’ll be beaten to death.”
The voice, tinged with a hint of laughter, scattered easily, lacking any firm strength.
“So just go. I need to tidy up the house.”
The two hands floating in the air slowly dropped.
“Ah…”
Hyun-woo exhaled a trembling breath and buried his face in his palms. He had been afraid to face the results of the ruin caused by his own selfish greed. Within his gloomy heart, the conviction that lacked a solid foundation began to shake.
* * *
Hae-won opened his eyes in the pitch-black night. His head throbbed as if it were splitting, and when he tried to raise his hand, his body felt unnatural. As he slowly sat up in bed, his bound wrists were faintly revealed in the darkness. Hae-won’s eyes filled with confusion as he twisted the soft cloth that tightly bound both wrists.
Why is it like this? He remembered nothing. It was tied so tightly that it wouldn’t budge, so he bit the end of the cloth and gently loosened the knot. It was not a knot he could have possibly tied himself, yet there was no one around.
“Hae-young…?”
Thinking Seo Hae-young might have come, he called out cautiously, but the small house remained silent. Hae-won pushed himself up, his body feeling as heavy as water-soaked cotton, and headed toward the bathroom. After blinking a few times, he took off his t-shirt under the bright light. He felt unpleasant, as if he had been drenched in cold sweat while sleeping.
As he turned the faucet and splashed cold water on his face, a sudden bout of dizziness hit him. Frowning, Hae-won looked into the mirror and froze. Unable to even turn off the gushing water, he stared at the hideous sight reflected in the rectangular mirror. In that moment, a voice like a scream echoed faintly.
“Stop it! Yoon Hae-won, Hae-won… stop it, just stop!”
The voice ringing in his ears was Hyun-woo’s. Hae-won frowned and stroked his cheek. His eyelids were bruised deep purple, as if he had been punched. His lips were split, and his neck and upper body were covered in reddish nail marks and bruises to the point where his original skin tone was unrecognizable.
“I’ll go, I’ll go…! I get it, so stop it, please!”
He turned his arm, where water droplets were dripping. The moment the vivid finger marks caught his eye, a fog settled in his mind. Had Joo Hyun-woo come? Then what did he do yesterday? He felt like he had been with Seo Hae-young the whole time. What did they do? He tried to trace it back carefully, but everything was a jumble, so he gave up quickly. Even as he turned off the water, he couldn’t recall the excised memories, left only with a lingering, suspicious discomfort.
When he opened the front door, the chilly air ruffled his wet hair. The cold seeped through his thick hoodie, making his body shiver. In the distance, under the glow of a streetlight, he saw a garbage truck as large as a house. He hurriedly dragged a heavy trash bag out of the house.
“This too.”
Without a word, the man took the trash bag and tossed it into the black cargo hold. Hae-won, who had been watching anxiously, fearing he might be told to sort the recycling and bring it back, stepped back in relief.
After pushing all the trash around the utility pole into the truck, the man stepped up onto the platform. Hae-won remained standing there until the large truck disappeared from sight, then dusted off his empty hands.
Three albums, two sets of school uniforms, and various knick-knacks he couldn’t bring himself to throw away. He had finally discarded everything Joo Hyun-woo had put back in its place, and Hae-won finally felt light.
Turning back to return to the cluttered house, Hae-won discovered an unfamiliar pair of shoes. A long shadow stretched under the yellowish streetlight. His gaze slowly traveled up the slender legs. The moment he recognized the familiar face at the end, he recoiled in shock, taking a step back. Because of that, the expression of the person standing under the streetlight crumpled completely.
“Did you see a ghost? Your face looks fucking…”
To Hae-won, he was no different from a ghost. Tae-gyeom, with a palm-sized bandage on his forehead and under his left eye, looked down at the frozen Hae-won and let out a deep sigh.
“You have time to take out the trash, but no time to visit a patient?”
The sarcasm was the same as always, but Hae-won, suddenly seized by fear, couldn’t respond and quickly turned away. Just as he stretched his legs to run away, even if it meant taking a detour, his hoodie was grabbed.
“Where are you going?”
A bitter scent wafted from Tae-gyeom, who had closed the distance in an instant. As the scent that reminded him of the blood-soaked warehouse and that fishy smell brushed his nose, his hands trembled violently. Clutching the collar that was being pulled, Hae-won didn’t have the courage to look back and mumbled softly with his head down.
“I have to… go home…”
“Ah, who said I wouldn’t let you go? Let’s just talk.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s all because you, because you…”
“…Right. It’s all my fault.”
The struggling movements stopped within the embrace that smelled faintly of cigarettes. Glancing sideways, he saw Tae-gyeom avert his gaze, mutter a curse, and pull the hood he was gripping tightly to prevent him from escaping. Due to his uncomfortable body, Hae-won had no room to properly resist and was dragged away in the opposite direction of his house.
As they entered a dim alley, Tae-gyeom’s car came into view. Tae-gyeom opened the passenger door and finally let go of the hood, but he stood so close that their shoulders brushed, leaving no room to flee. To get in without hesitation would be foolish, considering what Tae-gyeom had done in this car.
“…You said you’d let me go home.”
“Yeah. After we talk.”
“Or should we do it at your place?” At the counter-question, Hae-won shook his head and reluctantly climbed in. He had no certainty that if he let him into the house, it would end with just talking. Once he climbed in obediently, Tae-gyeom, seemingly displeased by something else again, slammed the door shut and returned to the driver’s seat.
Unlike the way he had recklessly dragged him here, Tae-gyeom didn’t speak and instead smoked cigarette after cigarette. Smoke drifted out through the open window, and the incoming chill made Hae-won’s body shiver slightly. Glancing at him, Tae-gyeom tossed the butt and rolled up the window. The interior of the car quickly warmed up and fell into silence.
Tae-gyeom was just as uncomfortable with the situation as Hae-won was. It was a stifling discomfort born from not knowing what to do. He stroked his cheek out of habit, felt the rough bandage, and dropped his hand.
The first emotion he felt upon regaining consciousness had been rage. He had stormed out of the hospital room vowing to kill the culprit, only to find a crowd of people he hated and the person who had cracked his head missing. At that moment, he felt hollow. That was the second emotion. He didn’t particularly care even when he was told the tear near his eye would scar.
For a day or two, his anger surged to the top of his head and then sank, repeating in cycles. If the person in the hospital had been Seo Hae-young, he would have sat by his side the whole time, peeling fruit for him. The more he thought of Hae-won, who hadn’t shown his face once, the more his insides boiled. He sent dozens of messages and calls to Hae-won, who neither answered the phone nor replied to texts, before finally throwing his phone. The talk on the farewell party day about liking Joo Hyun-woo must have been nonsense. Otherwise, there was no way both Seo Hae-young and he would be unreachable at the same time.
While staring at the shattered screen, he suddenly remembered Hae-won’s question—the one where Hae-won, whose nerves were being frayed by everything in the shop including Seo Hae-young and Joo Hyun-woo, had replied with harsh words.
“What do you want? Why did you follow me all the way here because you want to do something with me?”
He needed a proper answer for himself. A convincing answer.
Tae-gyeom, who had thrown a card to a friend who came to visit, telling them to buy a new phone, lay on the bed and thought deeply. What did he want to do with Yoon Hae-won?
First, naturally, was the body. He was too thin now, so he wanted to fatten him up a bit and spend all day hugging and rolling around with him. He wanted to stretch that tight hole wide enough so that it would be perfect to enter at any time, and then spend the whole time thrusting and shaking. But for that, he had to put on weight first. So, naturally, the second thing was meals. He didn’t seem to have any major dislikes, but he didn’t know what he liked. He wanted to find that out first. Third, going out occasionally. Taking that pathetic bastard here and there, feeding him, dressing him, and fucking him.
Having finished organizing his thoughts, Tae-gyeom suddenly shouted. These were things that left plenty of room for misunderstanding. He did want to do things with Yoon Hae-won, but it wasn’t some absurd emotion like “liking” him. He was a bit cute, but he didn’t feel heart-fluttering excitement. And even if there was something he wanted to do…
“Fuck, seriously…”
Waking from his reverie, Tae-gyeom turned toward the passenger seat. As he stared intently, leaning his head against the window, Hae-won, who had been glancing at him, slid closer to the car door, having nowhere to run. Seeing him act like this, there was no way anything could be done. Seeing that sight, irritation surged, and a conscience smaller than a grain of rice pricked him sharply. Especially since he knew Hae-won hadn’t always been like this.
His palms tingled, not knowing what words to bring up. As he stared at Hae-won, whose eyes were rolling anxiously, Tae-gyeom’s brow furrowed sharply.
“What’s wrong with your eyes?”
As he leaned over abruptly, Hae-won reflexively tried to avoid him, but Tae-gyeom grabbed the nape of his neck and turned his head. Tae-gyeom’s expression gradually hardened as he carefully examined the deep purple bruised eyelids and the scratched cheek. There was only one person who would crush a face like this.
“Seo Hae-young?”
“…He doesn’t hit me anymore.”
“Bullshit. Have you been hit so much that you’ve lost your mind?”
Letting out a hollow laugh, Tae-gyeom released the nape of his neck and reached into the back seat. After a rustling sound, a black shopping bag was tossed onto Hae-won’s lap. Hae-won looked down silently at the bag occupying his thighs, then shifted his gaze to Tae-gyeom.
Without a word, Tae-gyeom looked away and rolled down the closed window again. Hae-won thought he would stall by smoking another cigarette, but Tae-gyeom simply leaned against the window and stared at the end of the dark alley. His back revealed a clear sense of awkwardness and discomfort.
Dropping his head, Hae-won opened the shopping bag with cold hands. Inside was a black box. The brand name on the box wasn’t unfamiliar. It was a brand he had occasionally seen on Seo Hae-young’s wrist.
He remembered thinking once that the watch was pretty. He also vaguely recalled Tae-gyeom mocking him with a joke while sitting backward on a hard wooden chair. You can’t buy this even if you sell your body. He had laughed it off, saying he’d buy one when he became rich, treating it as a low-quality prank.
Hae-won didn’t open the box and looked up. Watching Tae-gyeom’s hair sway in the late autumn breeze, he fiddled with the box. It was sleek.
I guess I can buy it if I sell my body. He couldn’t even manage a laugh. He put the half-pulled-out box back into the shopping bag. It didn’t look like a plan to buy his silence with something like this. As he watched silently, Tae-gyeom let out a stifled, long breath and slumped into the seat. Despite having dragged him here to talk, Tae-gyeom only shook his leg with an unstable attitude and didn’t open his mouth. It was because an apology would never come out even if he died, but Hae-won couldn’t know his inner thoughts.
“If you have something to say…”
The request to say it quickly and let him go didn’t reach its end. Tae-gyeom suddenly lunged forward and grabbed him by the collar before he could avoid it. His lips were lightly bitten, and then a soft tongue pushed inside. The tongue that swept deep and Hae-won’s tongue became wetly entangled. Pushed to the edge of the wide car, Hae-won received the thick, sucking kiss in an ambiguous posture, neither pushing Tae-gyeom’s shoulder away nor pulling him closer.
“Ngh…”
Tae-gyeom’s tongue moved smoothly like a snake inside his mouth, avoiding the bitten and burst areas. He cradled the back of Hae-won’s head with one hand and pulled his waist with the other. As always, it was a kiss designed to heighten sexual arousal. After sucking on the lower lip one last time, Tae-gyeom pulled away and, rarely, avoided eye contact. The main point, delivered in a low voice with a hint of discomfort, cluttered his ears.
“Listen to what I said then. I’ll leave my house empty, so go live there. Just until things are sorted out.”
He spoke in fits and starts, as if spitting the words out. He barely swallowed his curses, uttering words that were embarrassing in his own way. Despite the hesitation, the conversation grew increasingly overbearing, contrary to his heart.
Joo Hyun-woo would soon disappear on his own, and all that remained was Seo Hae-young, but he was the type whose interest would fade if he didn’t see someone for a few months. Normally, interest would drop within a few weeks, but just in case, hiding him in the house for a few months and cutting off contact would be enough. Even if the end wasn’t good, they were no longer on terms to see each other with a smile.
The words “I’ll buy you more of those damn watches and clothes, so just shut up and get in” had risen right to the tip of his throat, but the moment he met Hae-won’s eyes—eyes that made it difficult to discern what he was thinking—the words vanished. Tae-gyeom, hesitating in a way that was unlike him, struggled to speak.
“……I mean, I said I was wrong.”
‘I’m sorry.’ That simple phrase was more difficult for Tae-gyeom than anything else. In the end, admitting his fault was the best he could do.
Without much of a reaction, Hae-won caught his breath and fumbled with the sleek shopping bag. His downward-cast eyelashes were longer than expected. Tae-gyeom’s gaze dropped to those fluttering lips. They were moderately plump and had a pleasing glow. The lips, which twitched as if to say something, closed again. The moment Hae-won whipped his head away and grabbed the handle, a click sounded as the lock engaged.
“The answer is.”
Tae-gyeom, barely concealing his bruised pride, scanned Hae-won, who was pulling the handle and indirectly asking to be let open. He really was a guy who had nothing to offer besides his face. And even that was a pathetic sight, adorned with deep purple bruises. Out of all the people he had met, this was the most unremarkable man, yet he was acting more clingy than anyone else. This was certainly a lingering, obsessive behavior, but Tae-gyeom couldn’t easily admit it, nor could he abandon his crooked attitude. Unable to get a grip on his own heart, curses lingered on his tongue. He was simply confused.
“……Hey.”
When he called out in a low voice, Hae-won, clutching the shopping bag to his chest, responded while gauging the mood.
“Just give me a moment to think…….”
The answer was lukewarm. With a sigh that felt as if the ground were sinking, Tae-gyeom unlocked the door. As soon as the sound was heard, Hae-won hurriedly opened the car door and stretched his legs out as if to flee. Tae-gyeom abruptly grabbed the hat of the man who looked ready to bolt at any second and dragged him back into the car. Hae-won sat precariously on the edge of the seat, glancing back repeatedly.
“Until when.”
It was an irritated tone, with patience being pressed down hard. Avoiding his gaze, Hae-won pondered for a moment before his swollen lips moved.
“……The day after tomorrow.”
While Tae-gyeom’s grip loosened, Hae-won quickly exited the car. Watching the silhouette of the man turn the corner of the alley without looking back, Tae-gyeom bumped his head against the car window. The more he thudded against it, the more the torn skin stung. He had no time to care about the dull pain.
“His mouth, fuck, that mouth…….”
He had vowed to be soothing this time, but whenever he faced Yoon Hae-won, kind words simply wouldn’t come out. Every little thing was grating, and every little thing was displeasing, leading to harsh words. It was a cycle of regretting it after letting Hae-won go. He’d tell himself not to do it next time, to speak as gently as possible. Even after making the vow, it was uncertain whether he could keep it. A deep sigh filled the chilling interior of the car.
* * *
Hae-won spent an entire day at home erasing traces. He walked from the entrance to the wardrobe and scrubbed the limescale-covered sink until it was clean. He took out books that had occupied the same spot on a dusty small bookshelf for years, tied them tightly with twine, and threw them away; he simply wiped down the old furniture and left it as it was.
After cleaning out the bathroom, where the tiles were broken in places and looked dirty even after scrubbing, he stepped out and looked around the narrow house. No matter how much effort he put in, the traces accumulated over decades were not easily erased. With a short sigh, he tossed the dishcloth into the trash bag and tied the end.
After placing the trash bag by the entrance and lifting his head, a large suitcase that took up half the small living room and a crumpled shopping bag sitting lonely beside it caught his eye. They were the respective tokens of sincerity shown by Joo Hyun-woo and Go Tae-gyeom.
A question arose. The same question that had overwhelmed Hae-won when Hyun-woo poured out a confession intoxicated by his own emotions, and when Tae-gyeom admitted his fault with a face completely devoid of remorse. To them, the things that had begun in the summer seemed to be nothing much. Trivial matters that could be made to vanish as if they never happened by gifting such things. He felt hollow, and after that, a bit sad. He wondered if he had looked that stupid.
The phone placed on the low desk vibrated. Seo Hae-young’s name floated across the screen. After wiping his damp hands, he answered with tension, and a languid voice flowed out without even a light greeting.
Are you busy?
“No…….”
Then why aren’t you replying? I’m hurt.
Hae-won was speechless and rolled his eyes. Seo Hae-young needed to look back at the texts he had sent. Sending photos of everything—what he was eating, what he was studying, where he was walking—might have been a source of happiness before, but now it was just bewildering. Hae-won had no choice but to offer an insincere apology and an excuse.
“……I didn’t see it because I was cleaning. I’m sorry.”
“You’re cleaning hard, huh,” Seo Hae-young muttered in a tone that was neither praise nor criticism, then continued.
The house.
“I said I’m moving out soon.”
He said he had almost finished organizing, but in truth, nothing had been resolved. The landlord no longer answered the phone. The last word had been a threat to do whatever he wanted, whether he left or stayed. It wasn’t something he felt like mentioning, and Seo Hae-young wasn’t particularly curious. Crouching in the corner of the kitchen, Hae-won brought over the black card he had left in a visible spot, fiddled with it, and cautiously spoke up.
“……Do you have time tomorrow evening?”
Why.
Hae-won took a deep breath and, as he exhaled, mixed in the difficult words.
“Just……. I miss you.”
There was no sound from the other end. He pulled the phone away to check, but the call was still connected. As he put it back to his ear and waited, a moment of silence passed, followed by a humming sound of hesitation.
Did you drink?
“No, I didn’t…….”
Hae-won denied it feebly, hiding the empty soju bottle lying on the kitchen floor into the recycling bag. Fortunately, Seo Hae-young didn’t pry and gave a simple answer.
I’ll see you.
It was an ambiguous answer, but if he didn’t say no, it generally meant he agreed. Hae-won remembered most of Seo Hae-young’s minor habits. There was a time when he prided himself on knowing him better than his own family. Of course, that wasn’t the case now.
“See you tomorrow.”
Hae-won spoke in a normal tone as he stood up, holding the rustling handle of the bag. The final words to end the call were so short that they couldn’t reveal the inherent fear or tension. It was a relief for Hae-won. Seo Hae-young, receiving a mundane greeting like in the old days, replied with a “Sure,” and for some reason, he sounded soft and pleasant—a voice that hinted at the tenderness Hae-won had once loved.
When he returned after throwing away the last of the soiled dishcloths and the trash bag filled with odds and ends, the house, which had been full of memories he couldn’t discard, was empty. As Hae-won entered the house that now felt unfamiliar, floundering between a sense of liberation that it was all over and a gloomy sense of self-loathing, numerous notifications piled up on his phone.
He sent a “good night” reply to Seo Hae-young, a reply saying he would go on time to Joo Hyun-woo, and a reply saying he would contact him tomorrow to Go Tae-gyeom.
Lying on the cleanly wiped floor, Hae-won spent the night wide awake, unable to easily accept the fading final day and the fear pressing down on his chest. He didn’t even know why he couldn’t sleep. Whether it was because he was scared, or because he was sad.
* * *
The day of departure was chilly. Watching the monitor where the weather forecast announced that temperatures would plummet starting the next day, Hae-won pulled his hat down low and stepped off the bus. He took the suitcase being unloaded from the luggage compartment and looked up at the unfamiliar airport. The airport, emitting a bright light, was crowded with travelers despite it being late evening. Hae-won couldn’t bring himself to move and looked down at his phone, which had been ringing noisily for a while. As soon as he turned on the screen, a series of texts from Go Tae-gyeom arrived.
[The answer is]
[Hey, I can’t wait anymore]
[One day is plenty of waiting]
What remarkable patience. With a sigh, Hae-won started to type, but then he turned on the camera. He captured the scene before him, sent it to Tae-gyeom, and followed the people pulling their suitcases into the airport.
A moment later, ignoring the phone that was ringing frantically, he struggled to find the meeting point in front of the electronic board with a map. The airport was larger than expected, and there were even more people. Because of the noise ringing in his ears, cold sweat broke out on his palms and his head felt dizzy. Just when he thought he had found the way, he became confused again. If Hyun-woo hadn’t contacted him while Tae-gyeom’s calls had stopped, he might have stayed in front of that board for a lifetime. As he quickly answered the phone, a gentle voice hiding anxiety flowed out.
Hae-won. Have you arrived?
Since yesterday, Hyun-woo had been excessively careful with every single word. When he noticed that Hae-won only knew that the person who had tied his wrists that day was Hyun-woo and showed no sign of remembering what had happened, the way he looked visibly relieved was somewhat unsettling. Even so, Hae-won didn’t want to dig it up. Since it was a memory worth forgetting, it must have been forgotten. Exhausted to the point where he had no strength to retrace it, Hae-won gripped the suitcase handle tightly and looked around as he answered.
“I don’t know where I am.”
I’ll come to you. Just stay put.
“What about Noona?”
At a cafe for a bit. I’ll be there soon. Wait for me.
As soon as he gave his location, the call ended. Hae-won lingered and then settled in a quiet corner overlooking the outside of the airport. Ignoring the notification of missed calls, he watched the colorful suitcases other people were pulling. He wondered where everyone was going as people laughing and chatting brushed past him. They looked excited and happy. What could be so happy? Standing at a crossroads, about to leave a familiar place to find a new nest, Hae-won felt only fear and could not understand them.
“Hae-won!”
Turning around, he saw Hyun-woo approaching with a stride, his eyebrows drooping. As a sense of relief settled over his soft features, his face felt incomparably kind. Approaching quickly, Hyun-woo hugged Hae-won without caring about the surrounding gazes. Lowering the hand he had intended to use to push him away, Hae-won rested his chin on Hyun-woo’s shoulder and asked, rolling his eyes.
“The family?”
“They all went to the cafe. I made an excuse and stepped out for a moment.”
Hyun-woo, who managed to steal a kiss on his cheek, pulled back slightly while holding both of Hae-won’s upper arms. As Hae-won wiped his cheek against his shoulder, Hyun-woo laughed playfully as if even that was pleasant, looking no different from the passing travelers. Hyun-woo let out an “Ah” and raised an eyebrow.
“You made the reservation correctly, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Show me.”
Hae-won rummaged through his pocket and unfolded the printed reservation details to show him. It was annoying that Hyun-woo, who had already confirmed it, kept checking periodically, but he couldn’t show it. After carefully examining the details written on the crumpled paper, Hyun-woo laughed brightly as if he were overjoyed. Then, as if remembering something, he held out his hand.
“Your passport? You packed it, right?”
Watching Hyun-woo flick his fingers as if asking to see it, saying he’d forgotten to remind him, Hae-won dropped his gaze.
“It’s inside.”
When he gestured toward the suitcase, Hyun-woo frowned and shrugged. “You should carry it with you.” After saying it lightly, he reached for the suitcase. Startled, Hae-won hid the suitcase behind his back and pushed Hyun-woo’s arm away.
“……I’ll do it.”
“Ah, okay. Can you handle the check-in? Shall we go together?”
Withdrawing his deflected hand, Hyun-woo smiled awkwardly and turned toward the airline counters, but Hae-won didn’t follow and pushed his broad back in the other direction. He didn’t forget to curl the corners of his mouth into a smile.
“Go say goodbye to your family. I’ll see you inside.”
“Why are you in such a hurry?”
“If I’m caught…… it’ll be bad.”
Since it was difficult to mention Hyun-jeong, he spoke vaguely, and Hyun-woo nodded as if he understood. Hae-won, who decided to go in late around the time the family was leaving, waved to Hyun-woo, who kept looking back. When they had moved far enough apart that they had to raise their voices to be heard, Hae-won’s smiling lips moved.
“Goodbye.”
It wasn’t clearly audible due to the distance, but because it sounded like a final farewell, Hyun-woo stopped in his tracks and gave a bright smile as if to wash away the anxiety. He started to joke, asking why he was acting like that when they would meet again in two hours at most, and then raised his voice.
“I’ll wait for you inside!”
Instead of saying okay, Hae-won waved his hand. Until Hyun-woo, who turned back with heavy steps, disappeared into the crowd. He stood there quietly, waving to the invisible Hyun-woo, before slowly lowering his arm. As the forced smile vanished, fear covered it.
After pulling his light suitcase to the machine, Hae-won pondered for a moment and inserted the card that had grown warm from being held. Even though no one was watching, he kept checking his surroundings. Pressing his pounding heart with his palm, he waited until the screen prompted him to enter the password. Hae-won pressed the four familiar numbers one by one. Then, his eyes furrowed in confusion at an unexpected screen.
“Uh…….”
It was a warning that the number was incorrect. He had entered it correctly. While he tilted his head, someone joined the line behind him, and Hae-won pulled his suitcase to the side, returned to the password screen, and carefully pressed each digit. The four digits of Seo Hae-young’s birthday. Four digits he would never forget.
“Ah, why is it doing this…….”
Wrong again. Flustered, Hae-won grabbed his hat instead of his forehead. He was sure it was his birthday. He began to grow anxious, thinking it might have been a lie. As he stared blankly at the machine, the person behind him tapped his shoulder. Startled, he turned around to find a person holding a passport and ticket, pointing at the machine.
“I’m in a hurry……. May I use it first?”
“Ah……, j-just a moment. I’ll be quick.”
Quickly turning back, Hae-won re-inserted the card and stared at the same screen. With someone waiting and keeping in mind that the card would be blocked after one more mistake, he felt cold sweat forming on his smooth forehead.
Then, a sudden thought flickered. The sound of the person behind him impatiently tapping the sole of their shoe against the floor echoed loudly in his ears. There was no more time to think. Even though he knew how far that ‘what if’ had ruined him, his hesitating finger slowly pressed four digits different from before. And Hae-won looked down silently at the machine, where the desired screen finally appeared.
“It’ll be easy to remember. If it’s Christmas.”
The image of Seo Hae-young smiling with a youthful face suddenly came to mind. And the gift, wrapped strangely in red and green paper, that had been left lonely in front of the house on his birthday morning.
Dazed, Hae-won stuffed the withdrawn cash into his pocket and quickly left the spot. He bumped shoulders with a passerby, but he didn’t have the presence of mind to apologize. At some point, the remnants of the past, which surfaced regardless of the time, began to torment him.
At first, he hated the colorful wrapping paper. Since he still held a grudge from being beaten half to death and forced to sit beside him, he wondered what kind of lunatic this was. He had almost thrown it away, but his hand had moved instinctively. It was simply because he had never properly received a Christmas or birthday gift like everyone else.
Back then, he didn’t know that Seo Hae-young’s strange behavior would last for ten years. The memories of countless winters—falling asleep on Christmas Eve wondering what gift would be there tomorrow, and unwrapping them the next day with a hollow laugh—had all turned into painful memories that gouged at his mind.
Even though he knew he shouldn’t attach much meaning to it, he had been curious. If their relationship hadn’t fallen apart, he would have asked tentatively, wondering why the password for a card used for years was his birthday. He might have joked, asking if this was this year’s birthday present. If only Seo Hae-young hadn’t crushed every single one of the few happy memories he had, he definitely would have. He definitely…… could have been happy over such trivial things.
He stared blankly at the black card in his palm before dropping it into a trash can piled high with empty drink cups. It was right to throw it away before he became more curious, but it felt as if he were throwing everything away, and his eyes stung. With a tight throat, Hae-won swallowed hard, adjusted the hat obscuring his vision, and walked toward the counter.
There wasn’t much time left before departure. Likewise, there wasn’t much time left to turn off the phone that kept ringing. After looking around once in front of the airline counter, Hae-won approached a uniformed employee. Barely suppressing the sob escaping him, he unfolded the crumpled paper and held it out. Fortunately, his voice came out more composed than expected.
“This……. I’d like a refund.”