By Zephyria 
The life I truly want…….
What exactly was that? The image of me in the vaguely imagined happy ending was to have all the affection of those Allen had, and to live a peaceful life.
To be loved by the romanceable characters in the game.
That was more of a tool to completely escape the danger of death than a truly desired goal. And even that, I had completely forgotten at some point. I just wanted it to end. I thought that if I could just escape this terrible cycle of repetition, I could endure any disgrace.
Then what about me now? I’ve already escaped the cycle. The Royal Wedding with Adrian was in four days, and after that, I would successfully escape from Allen’s grasp. Even if I die now, I won’t go back to that morning of my seventeenth birthday. Others can’t possibly realize how unbelievably sweet the certainty that where I stop will be the end of my life is.
“……”
“You can think slowly, slowly.”
As I silently lowered my gaze, Andrew warmly wrapped my hand. In fact, his cold hands, chilled with tension, weren’t very warm either. But the hand, with a faint sheen of cold sweat, touched my heart more warmly than any temperature.
I stared blankly at Andrew. If I really did what I wanted to do, this man’s blind affection would never be rewarded. The same was true for Carlisle and Adrian, Kyle and Lennox.
I had even had a desire to be a faithful spouse to Adrian, without deceiving or betraying him this time. But I had already promised to accept Andrew and Carlisle in this Iteration, so that desire was already stuffed in the trash.
I still felt sorry for him. I felt like I knew where the huge anxiety that even he couldn’t understand the reason for came from…….
Even while watching the Empress, who was committing adultery because she was driven mad by loneliness, he couldn’t even make a displeased expression, couldn’t even show that he was anxious, and just swallowed it all, thinking it was all his fault, and suffered all his life until he finally lost me. The remnants of that life were embedded in his subconscious.
Then what about Carlisle? I had definitely dreamed of a future with Carlisle and was excited with hope. I thought that if everything was over, it might be happy to somehow break off the engagement and go to the North and live with his unchanging, gentle affection. But I remembered my hidden first life right here, and I couldn’t abandon my foolishly faithful spouse.
What I was even more sorry about was that even in the moment when he was my only hope, I wasn’t purely loving him.
Carlisle Graham was definitely a good person. That was true in my actual experience, and it was also true in the now-fading game Setting book. He was the most flawless and excellent choice in terms of personality, so if I had to choose one of them, that position should rightfully belong to Carlisle.
But what if…, what if choosing one of them wasn’t forced? What if I had finally……. truly escaped all the shackles?
Just thinking about it made me breathless and dizzy. It was a chaotic emotion, with joy and sadness mixed up in a mess.
I don’t want to be loved. Because I don’t want to be sorry to anyone.
In fact, I don’t love anyone, and I’m suffocating from the guilt that’s rising to my chin, so I’m giving away parts of myself little by little as if I’m repaying them somehow……. I don’t want to do that anymore. I just want to go somewhere where no one knows me and live a normal life, without being loved or loving anyone.
Every time I faced everyone who looked at me with expectant eyes, wondering if I would ever love them someday, if they would ever love me someday, I actually wanted to run away.
I’m tired of love. If I live…, yes, if I live, there will be a day when I’m excited about the desire for love again. Borrowing the saying that time is the best medicine, this confusion will disappear like a lie, and I might be able to love someone first.
But not now. I just wanted to breathe. Every time I saw the mountain of affection piling up, I felt suffocated, wondering when I would ever repay it all. It was the same even if they said it was okay, that they weren’t doing it for a reward. Wasn’t I the one who had the memory of suffering from unrequited love and eventually going crazy and dying? The very fact that I existed to someone in the same way that Allen, who was ruthless and cruel, existed was a burden.
“I…, I want to leave…….”
“……”
“I want to leave to a place where neither brother nor anyone else can find me, and just…. just live normally, without being loved or loving anyone….”
It wasn’t something to say to those who loved me so much that they volunteered to be mistresses even though it wasn’t in their fate. But, Andrew’s calm expression as he listened to my words was so serene…. Carlisle’s expression, nodding as if to cheer me on every time our eyes met, was so gentle…….
“Am I…, is it okay…? To live like that……. Is it okay to live like that?”
So I was finally able to say it.
The man who was so anxious that I would leave his side that he regained his memories and suddenly locked me in his bedchamber, forcibly suppressed the tears that welled up and barely smiled at me.
“If it’s okay, I’ll be greedy. I…. I just want to live like that. I want to leave…. I want to leave…….”
A strange sense of exhaustion seized my whole body. Carlisle’s strong arms were the ones who hurriedly caught my collapsing body, unable to even sit any longer.
“Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be, Noah….”
No one can force you. Even if it’s us, you are……. a person so strong that even God would kneel before you…. Of course you deserve it…….
The gentle voice soothed my tired mind and body like a lullaby. Sleep came like death, without warning, and swallowed me whole.
* * *
Immediately after Noah fell asleep as if collapsing, as if he had run out of energy. The five men who had gathered in this place with only Noah Hamilton as a common denominator (or, to be more precise, had been forcibly dragged here by the Archmage) fell into a suffocating silence that was so quiet that it felt like their ears would burst.
“Ha, haha…….”
It was the scattered laughter of the Sorcerer, the protagonist who created this situation, that broke the silence.
“My, aren’t you amazing. As expected, my patron is on a completely different level.”
It sounded like sarcasm, but everyone in this place knew that it contained resignation and regret. Perhaps it was because they were all in a situation that was not much different in terms of sentiment.
‘If you feel like you’ve done something wrong…, huh? If you feel like you’ve sinned against me…….’
‘…….’
‘Don’t beat around the bush like this, just say you’re sorry.’
The Sorcerer, who had moved to the Imperial Palace to bring Noah, had directly connected the content of the conversation between Noah and him to this side. So they all heard it. Just one word, sorry, was enough…….
‘Yeah. That’s enough.’
Noah’s unbelievable words that that was enough.
“You said that a word of apology would be enough, but you don’t even give us a chance to apologize. You’re ruthless…. It’s a very effective revenge.”
“……”
“……”
“In the end, you’ve revealed your intention not to belong to any of us, and therefore not to accept any of us.”
Hahaha, ha, hahahaha……. The Sorcerer laughed, holding his stomach as if something was so funny. But it was an empty laugh, without a core.
“I, Archmage Lennox, swear with my honor and magic.”
The red eyes, which had been half-closed with laughter, widened clearly, and the magic, which also had a dark red light, vibrated ominously, making a buzzing sound. The gathered sinners did not resist at all and just obediently watched what the Sorcerer was doing. They didn’t say it, but they probably all felt the same way.
“No one in this place will be able to harm what Noah Hamilton desires. If anyone tries to interfere with Noah Hamilton with force or power……. this magic will personally cut out the heart of that ruthless person.”
The Sorcerer desperately finished the oath as if spitting out blood. For those who had been hurt like that and had come to love the pitiful person whose only desire was to leave them, there was nothing more they could do than this.