By Zephyria 
Making the Quiet Nerd Mine
There was something I had been curious about for a long time.
‘Do people in the world really like sex that much?’
Normally, I wouldn’t care if others liked sex or not, but sometimes I genuinely wondered. Like when I saw vulgar posts on anonymous university communities, or when I felt awkward hearing hushed conversations from the next table at a bar.
It had been like this since high school, when boys in the dorm would giggle about the two syllables of ‘sex’ like children laughing about poop and farts. Each time, I felt like a lone dog in a pack, sitting there bewildered. Of course, I had desires too, but I had never taken much interest in sexual activity outside of regular classes.
This bewilderment, which I couldn’t ask anyone about, swirled inside me without finding a resolution.
And the reason I started seriously contemplating this again was none other than my current boyfriend.
‘Since we’re dating…’
I guess we’ll have sex too?
Even though Do Yun-hyeok was comfortable and intimate, it wasn’t that there was no sexual tension when we were alone.
When a strange atmosphere arose, I would feel awkward, my fingers would twitch, and my legs would cross. Sometimes, out of excessive nervousness, I would break out in a cold sweat down my back.
But seeing Do Yun-hyeok’s calm expression made me feel unfairly like I was the only one conscious of it.
So, I gritted my teeth and pretended not to notice, but the real problem was that I had absolutely no idea how to act.
Do Yun-hyeok and I had already kissed, and sometimes, when the mood was right, we would hug or bring our lips to his ears or neck, but we had never gone further.
While I could attribute my cluelessness to my lack of interest in sex until now…
Was Do Yun-hyeok the same as me? Was he just playing along? Or was he genuinely indifferent and I was just fantasizing about a lewd atmosphere and getting anxious? I couldn’t tell.
Once, I tried to imagine us hugging and rolling around on the bed in preparation for contact with Do Yun-hyeok. Just rolling, nothing more.
Since it was an experience I hadn’t had, the imagination wasn’t very concrete, but I didn’t dislike it. In fact, I liked it.
But having sex?
That was a whole different dimension.
‘First of all… how is it done?’
A worry I had never considered before arose, making me quite uneasy.
Of course, I knew about sex between men and women. I wasn’t claiming to be a natural monument who didn’t know the word ‘sex.’
But I knew nothing about sex between men.
‘Under what kind of atmosphere, how should I act, and what should be the outcome?’
I knew that gay men had anal sex, as the boys often used derogatory terms, so I had picked up on it. But that was the extent of my knowledge.
To be honest, before meeting Do Yun-hyeok, I had little desire for relationships and disliked physical contact with others. That’s why the boys in high school called me a virgin or a saint.
I didn’t think it was a big problem. I figured things would work out somehow.
The fact that I could now kiss Do Yun-hyeok without any issue was surprising enough, proving that human saliva wasn’t necessarily dirty.
So, I wished Do Yun-hyeok would make the first move.
Schools don’t teach you the process and procedures of sex, so how do people figure it out on their own? Do they just bump into each other and learn?
Is people’s sexual curiosity really that strong? I mean, mine is too.
In any case, being in a state of ignorance and awkwardness didn’t suit me. Whatever it was, I had to figure it out in advance.
I started searching for information over several days. Being extremely careful not to leave any trace in my internet search history.
“Hmm…”
After reading a few sex columns, I turned it off, unable to overcome my boredom.
‘Do they only think about that stuff in their brains?’
That was the question that arose most strongly.
Set the mood, touch, and then have sex? It didn’t make sense.
Given my past behavior, I suspected that if I remained still, Do Yun-hyeok would also remain still, so I couldn’t figure out what I should do.
‘It’s strange for a couple to live like virgins their whole lives…’
Feeling like a robot, I just sighed. This time, I decided to search more specifically for gay sexual relations.
The search results yielded a lot of explicit information.
Top, bottom, enema, prostate…
Well, it made sense that just inserting something for no reason wouldn’t work. Since it wasn’t a reproductive organ, preparation would be necessary, and there must be a purpose for doing it.
Frowning, I rubbed my forehead as I absorbed the information frantically.
“Haa…”
I felt like my brain was rotting from looking at this stuff so much lately.
To think I was studying this because there was nothing else to study. You never know what life will bring.
But no matter how I looked at it, Do Yun-hyeok didn’t seem like the type to be on the bottom.
‘Then, I…’
My thoughts paused for a moment.
‘What should I call this?’
Only vulgar expressions came to mind.
‘So… should I let him…?’
But the psychological barrier was too high.
After all, I was a person raised as a man. The scenario of applying Do Yun-hyeok and myself to the roles of penetrating and being penetrated wasn’t easy to imagine.
‘Will I even get hard…?’
“Ah, screw it. I don’t know.”
I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I shook my head, cutting off the thoughts. I decided to wash up and get some sleep instead.
Wanting to wash up quickly and feel refreshed, I turned the showerhead on high and stood under the water.
As I rubbed my body with the shower ball, as usual, without thinking, I suddenly realized that the sound echoing in the bathroom was somewhat similar to the squelching sounds from the videos I had recently watched.
In fact, it was natural. Showering involved being naked, and to wash, I had to rub my bare skin.
The problem was that once the highly stimulating videos I had seen recently came to mind, everything else started to bother me.
My brain has really rotted!
‘I’m not some high school student seeing porn for the first time…’
Sighing at my pathetic state, I listlessly ran a hand over my face. The warm water from the showerhead flowed slickly down my skin.
‘No, am I still at that age?’
I had heard countless times that it was an age of strong sexual desire. It’s just that I hadn’t lived that way until now.
Come to think of it, it had been a long time since I had masturbated. I wasn’t particularly active in that regard anyway, so I didn’t do it often…
Hesitantly, I wiped the soap off my body and lightly grasped my penis.
Holding it in my hand after so long felt unfamiliar. I slowly began to stroke it. Blood rushed to the erectile tissue. It gradually hardened, increasing in size.
I moved my hand up and down the soft skin. Closing my eyes tightly, I focused stimulation on the glans. It didn’t take long to reach climax.
“Hngg… Hng!”
As the sensation of climax peaked, Do Yun-hyeok’s face flashed behind my closed eyelids like a burst of stars. I opened my eyes wide at the moment of ejaculation.
I was panting. Thick white fluid dripped into my palm, which had blocked it.
‘…I didn’t imagine this while jerking off, did I?’
My heart pounded, feeling like I had used Do Yun-hyeok as a side dish without permission. Slowly catching my breath, I pressed down on my excited chest. I felt a sense of guilt, so I quickly wiped my hand.
My cheeks were hot. Even without looking in the mirror, I knew my face was flushed. The lingering heat didn’t seem like it would subside easily. Warm water continued to pour from the showerhead.
After a moment of conflict, I reached between my buttocks.
‘Why am I even doing this?’
However, my bewilderment about myself didn’t stop my actions.
‘It’s better to be safe than sorry…’
Based on the empirical principle that I should try it at least once beforehand, I moved my hand forward, but my fingers trembled with the unfamiliar action.
The warm water helped to ease some of the tension in my body, but it didn’t make the action I was about to perform any easier.
“Hoo…”
Taking a deep breath, I touched my finger. With my warm, wet hand, I gently massaged the tightly clenched area.