By Zephyria 
“You don’t have to struggle with those thoughts anymore.”
“…Am I really out?”
“No.”
Eun-won answered in a voice mixed with excitement and laughter, lightly pressing his lips against Cha Se-jin’s shoulder.
“You just answered everything.”
“……I did?”
Cha Se-jin asked back with a look of genuine confusion. He had no idea what answer he was supposed to have given. Until a moment ago, all he had done was pour out a rambling stream of consciousness. That thinking was too difficult, that he felt like he was drifting toward a life without Eun-won, that he wanted to go to Hawaii, that he had compiled a list of delicious restaurants.
There was no proper answer anywhere. At least, not in his own mind.
Yet Eun-won was holding him as if he had heard the words he had been waiting for for a long time. Slender arms were wrapped around his neck, and the body heat touching his shoulder was warm. Eun-won, whom he had feared might be sorting through his feelings in the garden just moments ago, was now nestling deeper into his embrace. He wasn’t avoiding him, nor was he pulling away.
Only then did Cha Se-jin slowly lift his arms to wrap them around Eun-won’s waist. Carefully, as if he would vanish if let go, yet firmly, as if he would never let go again.
“…What did I answer?”
“You told me you love me. That just as I love you… you love me too….”
“I said that…….”
Cha Se-jin’s cautious words trailed off. The moment he heard Eun-won say that he had answered with ‘love,’ the rambling words he had poured out filled his head. What did I say?
He said he liked being with Eun-won right now,
He said he wondered what Eun-won was doing all day,
He said that whenever he ate something delicious, he wanted to go there with Eun-won,
He said that even if nothing was happening, he wanted to go to the school and wait for Eun-won….
Also, he said he wanted to go to the wonderful travel destinations Hyung had mentioned, and that he had never imagined a world without Eun-won.
“…….”
Everything he had said pointed to one single person: Eun-won. Cha Se-jin pulled back slightly from the clinging Eun-won and took in the face looking up at him, filling his eyes, his mind, and his heart to the brim.
Yes, at first, it was the face. That reason alone had been more than enough. Because Eun-won was that beautiful. There was no need to attach any other reason.
But what about now?
Is it because his face is beautiful that I want to be with him more? Is it because of his face that Eun-won comes to mind when I see something nice?
The fact that I hate it when he arrives in someone else’s car?
The fact that I love holding his warm body while he sleeps, stroking his hair and back?
The fact that I get irrationally angry if someone is even slightly rude to Eun-won?
The fact that my entire day collapses if I feel Eun-won drifting away even a little, as I spend the whole day thinking only of that gap?
Is that because of his face, too?
In the past, he might have been confused. He might have told himself that it was possible, or uttered some such nonsense. But not now. Cha Se-jin had already asked himself these questions. Back then, he thought ‘love’ wasn’t a fleeting emotion of a quiet moment, but something larger, stronger, and more definite. That was why he hadn’t known.
But now it was different. Eun-won was smiling at him. Those eyes were shining, filled with him.
“…….”
He didn’t see a face; he saw Eun-won. It had been this way for some time. It wasn’t just that his face was pretty; the person known as Seo Eun-won was beautiful in his entirety.
Because his smile was beautiful, he wanted to make him smile,
Because the eyes that looked at him when he was touched or happy were beautiful, he kept wanting to do things for him,
Because the way he breathed evenly while sleeping was beautiful, he watched him, losing track of time,
He started choosing menus that Eun-won would enjoy rather than things he liked himself,
And the way he spent most of his day thinking of him for no reason, just waiting for the time they could meet…….
“……Ah….”
It’s love.
All of this is love. I love Eun-won.
The moment he realized it, his mind went blank. And then, it was instantly filled to overflowing. The emotion that had finally found its name was neither complex nor difficult. It was simply beautiful. Just like Eun-won.
“…Darling.”
“Yes?”
“How did you know?”
“Know what…?”
“That I love you.”
It was strange. The word ‘love’ had felt so foreign and difficult, but once he spoke it aloud, it felt completely natural. It felt as if he had finally faced a word that had been sitting there all along. Just how long had it been lying in front of him?
“……Sangmu-nim….”
Seeing Eun-won looking up at him with teary eyes, unable to even breathe, Cha Se-jin tilted his head slightly.
“I’ve never said those words until now.”
“…….”
“So how did you understand? I only just realized it myself.”
“It just… it sounded like that to me….”
As he blinked, the tears finally overflowed. Bursting into sobs, Eun-won wrapped his arms even tighter around Cha Se-jin’s neck. Loving the answer conveyed through his entire body, Cha Se-jin pulled Eun-won closer by the waist and whispered, pressing his lips to his ear.
“You must be a real genius. To have understood all of that.”
He could hear Eun-won sobbing with his face buried in his shoulder. Finding it both cute and heartbreaking, Cha Se-jin smiled and buried his face in the crook of Eun-won’s neck, inhaling deeply. And this time, he said it clearly.
“I love you.”
That he loved him.
At the confession that was neither blurred nor awkward, Eun-won’s body trembled slightly. His sobbing grew louder. As tear-streaked breaths hit his shoulder and neck, Cha Se-jin gently stroked Eun-won’s back and softly kissed his neck and ear.
“Why are you crying, Darling? You’re not upset that I said I love you, right?”
Before he could even finish the sentence, Eun-won shook his head. Letting out a laugh mixed with a sigh, Cha Se-jin tightly hugged the body that had grown warm from crying.
“Because I’m happy… hng, I’m just, so happy….”
The voice, thick with tears as if he hated the idea of being misunderstood, was completely drenched. Feeling a sense of helplessness, Cha Se-jin buried his lips deep into the nape of Eun-won’s neck.
…He’s seriously so fucking cute I could die.
Barely swallowing the curse that wanted to burst out as an exclamation of how cute and lovely Eun-won was, Cha Se-jin pulled back slightly to take in Eun-won’s tear-stained face. It was lovely how his eyelashes were soaked and he poured out tears while his chin and lips trembled. Yet, at the same time, he felt an indescribable sense of apology.
To shed this many tears over a single “I love you” meant that this small, beautiful boy had suffered a great deal of heartache. How long must he have been aching alone to burst into tears like this at a single word?
“Are you crying because you’re so happy?”
Seeing Eun-won nod, seemingly too overwhelmed to answer, Cha Se-jin smiled and pressed his lips firmly against the corner of his eye. He had been taught that tears were salty, but it seemed that information was wrong. To Cha Se-jin, tears would henceforth be remembered as something very sweet. So sweet that even he, who disliked sweets, would want to keep tasting them.
Whether it tickled or not, Eun-won let out a small laugh amidst his crying. Smiling with him, Cha Se-jin lightly pressed his lips onto Eun-won’s lips, where a smile had spread. He felt Eun-won’s lips lean forward slightly. The fact that he was kissing back even while crying made Cha Se-jin’s mind go haywire.
He couldn’t believe that there had been so many moments where he felt this way—where he felt like he could die from how pretty the other was—yet he had just let them pass without knowing what that emotion was. He wondered why he had studied so hard when he didn’t even know something like this, despite his high academic credentials. It would have been better if he had met Eun-won sooner and learned what love was. With those thoughts, Cha Se-jin once again kissed away Eun-won’s overflowing tears.
“You’ll collapse if you cry that much.”
“I want to stop, but I just keep….”
“They won’t stop?”
“Yes….”
He wondered how scared, sorrowful, and anxious Eun-won must have been all this time. In the end, the reason Eun-won was crying like this was all because of him. Feeling repentant, Cha Se-jin suddenly scooped Eun-won up in his arms.
Startled by his feet leaving the floor, Eun-won reflexively clung to Cha Se-jin’s neck and shoulders.
“I don’t think you can walk right now.”
“Ah, no…. I can walk….”
“What if you trip while walking and crying?”
Holding Eun-won firmly, Cha Se-jin had him wrap his legs around his waist. Now clinging to Cha Se-jin, Eun-won gave up on getting down and snuggled deep into his chest. It was a bit embarrassing, but he didn’t want to be separated.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry more.”
Patting Eun-won’s back and waist soothingly, Cha Se-jin walked up the stairs, entered the bedroom, and set Eun-won down on the bed. Then, he climbed up beside him. The way Eun-won immediately moved closer to press their bodies together was so lovely it felt like he might actually die. Wrapping his arms tightly around the nestling Eun-won, Cha Se-jin kissed the warm, sweet-scented nape of Eun-won’s neck over and over.
“You were very hurt, weren’t you, all this time. Because I kept saying other things.”
Eun-won, with his face buried in Cha Se-jin’s chest, shook his head. Stroking Eun-won’s hair, Cha Se-jin gave him a loud kiss on the ear and whispered.
“I want to see your face.”
As the low voice flowed into his ear, Eun-won’s shoulders flinched. After staying still for a moment, Eun-won, his ears turned red, slowly lifted his face from the chest and met Cha Se-jin’s eyes.
“No wonder…. I felt fine even sleeping in the same bed.”
“…….”
“There’s no way I should have been fine, but sleeping with you wasn’t uncomfortable at all. I couldn’t even sleep in the same room as my Hyung. Both he and I have been picky and sensitive since we were kids, so we’d wake up if someone just moved next to us.”
With a grin, Cha Se-jin slid his arm under Eun-won’s head to give him an arm pillow. Smiling, Eun-won locked eyes deeply with Cha Se-jin again.
“But it was strange that sleeping with you felt like nothing. No, it was more than that; I couldn’t sleep because I felt so empty trying to sleep alone without you. Being home alone was too quiet and boring. I didn’t know, but I guess that was all because I love you. Because I like you so much.”
Hearing that he was liked, Eun-won’s eyes grew moist again. Seeing this, Cha Se-jin smiled and caressed his clear cheek.
“Are you going to cry every time I say I love you?”
“It’s not that I want to cry, but…….”
“Uh, are you really crying? Sorry, don’t cry, okay?”
The first time he saw Eun-won cry, he had thought nothing but that he was pretty. A boy who had suffered so much in a home forcing a marriage, being swayed by a stranger like him, forced into a decision and shedding tears—it had been so pretty and arousing. Back then, that was all.
But not now. Seeing Eun-won cry made his heart ache. While it was still true that he was pretty, he didn’t want to make Eun-won cry for that reason. He preferred him smiling over crying. He hoped that Eun-won would never be in pain anywhere.
“I didn’t know… that you would say such things…. That’s why I’m so, so happy. It means you think of me the same way I think of you, the way I think of you, Sangmu-nim…. Because I know what that feeling is, I’m so happy.”
Watching Eun-won smile faintly with his wet eyes closed, saying he was happy, Cha Se-jin groaned.
He wanted to punch his own mouth from the recent past for failing to grasp the context and constantly rambling about how he liked the present.
Just how much of a jerk had he been that Eun-won couldn’t even imagine the words ‘I love you’ coming out of his mouth?