By Zephyria 
Eun-won walked slowly along the pretty garden path, illuminated by twinkling lights. With every step, the wired earphone cord swayed gently, playing a calm song he loved. It was a perfect night for a stroll, with a moderately cool breeze brushing against his face every now and then.
“…….”
But… he felt a bit empty and bored. He had insisted on walking alone because there were things he wanted to think through by himself, but now that he actually was, Cha Se-jin came to mind.
‘That flower is the one Mom likes.’
‘I once caused a huge scene when I got lost in the garden as a kid.’
‘Shall we eat something in the main house after the walk? Ah, why am I suddenly so hungry? I shouldn’t eat anything at night.’
If they had been together, Se-jin would have been by his side, chatting about this and that. Ordinary, everyday things—the kind of kind and quiet conversation that would make anyone listening think, So Cha Se-jin talks about things like that too.
Or perhaps they would have just held hands in silence. At that thought, his empty fingertips felt strangely ticklish. Eun-won fidgeted with his fingers and let out a slow breath. He suddenly felt that he should have just come with Cha Se-jin.
In truth, he wanted to use this solo walk to organize the thoughts that had been occupying his mind for the past few days. The realization that focusing on the ‘now’ with Cha Se-jin was more enjoyable than he had expected, and that by focusing on the Se-jin right in front of him, he didn’t find himself worrying as much.
He wanted to figure out what kind of mindset he needed to maintain to keep it this way, but instead of thinking, he found it absurd that he was feeling a void by his side and thinking he was bored. Deciding he should just head home quickly, Eun-won eventually let out a small laugh. He then turned toward the annex.
“…….”
Eun-won stepped forward, the annex coming into view. At first, the place had felt unfamiliar, but he was able to adapt quickly because Cha Se-jin was there. Come to think of it, aside from the time he lived with his mother, he wondered if there had ever been a time when he was as happy as he was now.
Since coming here, there had been more days of excitement than days of great anxiety. The long, terrifying nights that used to visit him time and again had not returned once since he arrived. Whenever he opened his eyes, Cha Se-jin was by his side, and leaning into the warmth that heated the space, Eun-won could spend the long dawn without nightmares.
And Cha Se-jin always asked about and looked after his mood. He would lean down to meet his eyes, stroke his hair even when he wasn’t doing anything, hold his hand out of habit, express how much he loved eating together, and play jokes to make him laugh whenever he felt awkward or nervous.
“…….”
All those ‘nows’ had gathered to bring him here. The time Cha Se-jin spent making him happy had accumulated, covering the fear and worry that had piled up in his heart before the marriage.
In that moment, Eun-won came to a sudden halt in the middle of the garden.
“…….”
Right…. The happiness Cha Se-jin showed him had grown larger than the time he spent unhappy. To the point where the past no longer flickered vividly in his mind.
Then why am I worrying, searching for anxiety and fear that aren’t even visible, that aren’t even there? Everything remaining in my heart is kind and warm, so… what on earth am I so afraid of?
Am I afraid those kind things will disappear? Afraid this precious present will shatter? Is it right to perceive the warmth given by the person I love as a source of anxiety just because I’m worried about that? Nothing changes just by being anxious…
If I can’t even properly face the happiness of the present because anxiety clouds it… can a heart like that have the strength to protect precious time? When I arrive in the distant future, will I regret letting the present slip away like this?
“…….”
Cha Se-jin’s face, always smiling at him, shimmered before his eyes. A blooming love flowed slowly through his entire body. The moment he realized he had been letting the happiest moments slip away while staring at an anxiety that might not even come, his eyes grew hot.
He missed Cha Se-jin.
Now. He wanted to tell him these feelings right now.
That he thinks he finally understands what the ‘good now’ the Director mentioned was; that looking at the present, happiness and anxiety no longer dwell in the same place; and that he wants to spend today, a day where he can be happy until tomorrow, together with the Director.
Once those thoughts took hold, he couldn’t stand still any longer. Eun-won began walking toward the annex again. His walk soon turned into a light jog. One earbud slipped out of his ear, and the long cord swayed. The song he liked faded into the distance, but that didn’t matter.
His heart raced. It was different from the racing caused by anxiety. He was slightly out of breath from the sudden run, but he couldn’t stop smiling. Eun-won hurried past the garden in front of the annex and opened the door to the house.
“Oh… Director….”
Startled to see Cha Se-jin the moment he opened the door, Eun-won reflexively stepped back. Cha Se-jin, who looked as if he were about to open the door and step out, grabbed Eun-won’s wrist as he moved away and gently pulled him toward himself, inside the house. As Eun-won fully entered the entryway, the door closed behind them.
“Why are you running away?”
“…What?”
“You stepped back as soon as you saw me.”
“Ah… I didn’t know you were in the entryway, so I was a bit… surprised.”
“Are you all finished organizing your thoughts already? Do you hate seeing me now?”
“What? No. It’s not like that.”
“…Really? You don’t hate me?”
“Yes, really not. Why would I hate you, Director….”
“I don’t think so… Why have you been avoiding me lately?”
Huh? The words coming from Cha Se-jin’s mouth were in a completely different direction from the words Eun-won had been cherishing as he ran back. Caught off guard by the unexpected comment, Eun-won momentarily lost his answer.
“…I have?”
“You’ve been avoiding me constantly lately…. What were you thinking about by yourself today? Is it something you can’t think about when you’re with me?”
“Director, it’s not that….”
“Is it because I didn’t give you an answer quickly?”
He knew that saying things like this made him seem pathetic. He had tried hard to think it through until just a moment ago, but hadn’t his thoughts only become more tangled? Even though he knew he should stop now and organize his thoughts properly and speak like a cool, mature adult, the words bursting out from his anxiety wouldn’t stop.
“It’s not that I wasn’t thinking. I’ve been thinking constantly. I just didn’t show it. I thought if I showed that I was thinking, I’d look pathetic, and I also thought Darling might worry, so I thought it would be better to let things be as they were before, so I didn’t say anything. That’s why; it’s not that I stopped thinking or tried to brush it off as if it never happened.”
“Director….”
“But honestly, I still don’t really know. I don’t know what to say to make you smile again, or what to do to make you stay with me naturally like before… In what direction should I think to become someone who can plan for the future… Maybe it’s because I’ve never done it, but I can’t seem to think straight. I’m just impatient.”
“…….”
“I like you. That’s all I know.”
What Cha Se-jin spoke were not explanations or persuasions. It was simply his heart. He was conveying the words in his heart to him without order or structure. He looked truly frustrated, anxious, and uneasy.
“I’m preoccupied, I wonder about everything you do all day. If a dining place I go to for an appointment is delicious, I want to go there with you; I want to know what you’re eating; even if nothing is happening, I just want to go to your school and wait until you’re finished.”
“…….”
“So when I heard you were coming in some other bastard’s car, honestly, I hated it. I have a car, and my car is definitely better, huh? It’s not like I don’t have time, so why do you have to come in some other bastard’s car?”
“…….”
“I know it’s not something to be upset about. Who gets upset over something like that? But I was upset. I kept thinking, Why did he tell me not to come…. Honestly, I didn’t know I’d be like this either. You were just pretty, that was all. That one thing was enough.”
Cha Se-jin’s words, pouring out haphazardly, were honest and direct. They felt like words that hadn’t been refined in the slightest. He didn’t seem to have the leisure to even choose his words. Eun-won looked up at Cha Se-jin as he continued speaking. Under the entryway light that wouldn’t turn off, Cha Se-jin had a face that looked as if he had lost something.
“I’m not saying you’re not pretty now. You’re pretty now, and you’ll continue to be. Next year, like you said, and five years from now, and ten years from now, you’ll obviously be pretty. I know that. How could I not know that? But honestly, other than that, I can’t really imagine five or ten years from now. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to imagine it. I just wanted to go for a walk with you today, I wanted to shower together, and I wanted to kiss you. Ever since I saw you coming out of school.”
Until not long ago, Eun-won’s heart would grow anxious whenever Cha Se-jin talked about his face. He had thought that if Cha Se-jin grew tired of his looks, they wouldn’t be able to stay close like this. But now… he wasn’t anxious at all. The reason his heart was trembling wasn’t anxiety. It was because of the future Se-jin had mentioned for the first time.
“How do you actually do this ‘thinking’ thing? Honestly, really honestly… I’ve been thinking so hard, okay? But while I’m thinking, I keep drifting off. Where should I take you for dinner? Ah, this place is good, and that place is good too. Let’s go here today, and there next time… Once my thoughts drift there, I just end up organizing a list of delicious restaurants to go to while thinking about what you’d enjoy eating, ha… Fuck, I don’t know why I’m like this.”
Cha Se-jin looked genuinely annoyed. He seemed to hate the reality of not being able to think properly, not being able to use his head to fix the situation, and then venting that frustration aloud to Eun-won.
“Today too, damn, I wanted to talk about Hawaii, not this…. Fuck, I’m going crazy.”
“…Hawaii?”
Eun-won tilted his head at the completely new keyword that had suddenly popped out of Cha Se-jin’s consciousness. Cha Se-jin, who had been sighing with his hand over his eyes, nodded with his eyes closed before slowly opening them.
“Hyung went to Hawaii on a business trip. He said it was warm and wonderful. Hearing that, I thought I should go there with you. We couldn’t even go on a honeymoon. Actually, I wanted to bring that up all day today. Whether we go during break or next year, I want to make sure we go together.”
Cha Se-jin, who had asked several times with frustration how to think about the future, was now talking about a time that hadn’t yet arrived. He was talking about the upcoming break, and an even more distant next year.
Cha Se-jin filled Eun-won’s vision. Unaware of what he was saying or the change in Eun-won’s emotions, he continued.
“But while we were having dinner, I liked listening to you talk about school, so I forgot. Then at the cafe, I forgot again because we were talking about something else.”
“…….”
“So I thought it would be good to do it during the walk, but then you said you had things to think about alone…. I thought, Now I’m really being kicked out.”
“…….”
“I felt like because I was too late, you were starting to move toward a life without me.”
“…….”
“I’ve never imagined a life without you, but since you seem tired of me, I feel fucking weird—”
Before Cha Se-jin could finish, Eun-won leaped up, wrapping both arms around Cha Se-jin’s neck. The stream of words from Cha Se-jin stopped abruptly.
Though he couldn’t see his face, Eun-won could tell by the sudden silence and the sound of breath against his ear that Cha Se-jin was surprised. Even then, he loved how Cha Se-jin leaned down to match his height. Eun-won closed his eyes and smiled, hugging Cha Se-jin tightly.
They weren’t organized words. They weren’t direct declarations of love. But Eun-won could tell.
Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and the coming break, and next year.
In the entryway now, in the garden tomorrow, in the many restaurants he had listed, and in Hawaii—he would be with Cha Se-jin.
He existed within all the times that Cha Se-jin had not yet named. And Eun-won already knew that name. Because it was the name he had faced vividly as Cha Se-jin entered all of his time.
Cha Se-jin loved him. Just as he loved Cha Se-jin.
“……Is this… a final goodbye?”
At the sound of Cha Se-jin’s cautious voice—unable to hug back or grasp the situation—Eun-won let out a small laugh. And he hugged Cha Se-jin even deeper.