By Zephyria 
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After spending a considerable amount of time wearing down his counterpart with scathing words during an external meeting, Cha Se-jin didn’t go back to the office and headed straight for Eun-won. Of course, on his way, he didn’t forget to reserve a fine-dining restaurant that Eun-won would enjoy.
He picked up Eun-won after his classes ended, and they had a delicious, slightly early dinner. Since it felt like a waste to go straight home, they went near the ancient palace and ate Eun-won’s favorite ice cream while taking in the open view of the palace grounds.
The time spent laughing and sharing light conversation was incredibly pleasant. It didn’t even compare to hanging out and chatting with his friends. Whenever he watched Eun-won quietly carry on a long conversation, his heart felt warm—as if a fireball had dropped right into it. He returned home with the strange thought that perhaps it was his own heart that needed the ice cream.
Night had fallen, but it wasn’t yet the very late hours approaching dawn. Having finished dinner and dessert, he felt it would be a good time to exercise, but more than that, he thought walking through the garden with Eun-won would be better. If Eun-won wasn’t in the mood, he could just run on the treadmill.
After quickly changing into workout clothes, Cha Se-jin stepped out of the dressing room and, seeing that Eun-won wasn’t there, headed downstairs. As if they were on the same wavelength, Eun-won was also dressed in light clothing suitable for walking.
“Going for a walk?”
“Yes. I wanted to walk a bit. You’re going to work out, right, Director?”
“Uh… well. Instead of working out, we could go for a walk together today. Shall we?”
“No, it’s okay. Please go ahead with your workout. I’ll just walk a little by myself. I have a few things to think about.”
“By yourself?”
“Yes, the garden is safe. It’s bright, so I’m not scared.”
Cha Se-jin stood blankly for a moment, as the situation was unfolding completely differently from what he had expected. He soon snapped out of it and left the annex with Eun-won. He stood still, watching Eun-won’s retreating back as he gave a light nod of greeting and walked away into the garden.
He had expected one of two scenarios. Either Eun-won would look delighted as usual when asked if he wanted to walk together, or he would say he wanted to rest today and they would simply relax at home doing nothing. He had never considered, nor felt the need to consider, anything other than those two.
No, even if every other possible scenario existed, the current situation—Eun-won choosing to go for a walk alone, leaving him behind—was an option that had never existed in his mind. Even now, as he stood alone, it felt impossible.
And yet, Eun-won had presented that unthinkable option and left him behind. Truly.
“…….”
Having lived his entire life as the one who always did the rejecting, Cha Se-jin had no immunity to being rejected. Of course, it was ambiguous to call this a rejection from Eun-won. He hadn’t said he disliked the idea, nor had he said he didn’t want to walk together. He had simply said he wanted to walk a bit alone because he had things to think about. No, was that a rejection? No, it wasn’t a rejection, was it…?
No… but think? Think about what? They had a great dinner, ate dessert, and talked a lot; what on earth did he suddenly want to think about alone?
Fixated on Eun-won’s mention of having things to think about, Cha Se-jin stared at the now-distant, small figure of Eun-won. No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t even guess what that ‘thinking’ was.
His desire to exercise vanished completely, and Cha Se-jin went back into the annex. He went to the living room and sat on the sofa.
‘I’ll just walk a little by myself. I have a few things to think about.’
What is it… what really is it? What could he possibly need to think about while walking alone? Usually, this kind of thing isn’t a good sign, is it? I don’t think someone would go out of their way to walk alone in the garden at night to have good thoughts… That means he has some kind of worry…
Overwhelmed by anxiety and restlessness, Cha Se-jin couldn’t stay seated. He bolted up from the sofa and paced back and forth in front of it, his entire body radiating nervousness. He peered through the living room window to see if Eun-won was visible, but Eun-won was nowhere to be seen, perhaps having gone in another direction.
“…Haa….”
A low sigh escaped him. Rubbing his face with his hands, Cha Se-jin began to pace slowly again, lost in thought.
Right, that can happen. There are days when you want to walk alone. Since we were together all evening, he might want a little time to himself. Right, I’m the same. I want time alone too.
…Fuck, why am I not like that? Why does it feel like I don’t need it? Since when did I become like this?
Ignoring the thoughts, Cha Se-jin shook his head. Just because they were married didn’t mean they had to do everything together, including walks. That was only natural.
He couldn’t even do that with his parents or friends. So, naturally, Eun-won would need time alone. He knew that all too well, and because he knew it, he was a very sensible and mature person who could fully understand.
Yes, he was that kind of person. He should be that kind of person. Probably. Yes, he had to be… Fuck.
“…….”
But why suddenly today…? He wasn’t like this before. If he had always been like this, it wouldn’t be strange, but he wasn’t, he really wasn’t. He’s never done this before. He liked being with me. Not just walks, but outings, meals—whatever it was, we did it together.
He definitely liked it all… This has never happened, so why suddenly today…
At that moment, zombies and juice flashed through his mind. The memory of Eun-won getting up saying he wanted juice, only to not drink a single sip of the juice he brought, suddenly filled his head. And the moment a few days ago when he offered to pick him up and Eun-won said it wasn’t necessary—it all hit him in one bundle.
If it had happened once, he could have dismissed it as his own misunderstanding. He could have brushed it off, thinking he was just being sensitive. But this was the third time he felt as though Eun-won was avoiding him, keeping his distance, and drawing a line. And all of it had happened recently.
Three times isn’t just a misunderstanding, is it?
It wasn’t like this before, but suddenly lately… lately, I mean… that… that… Ah, it started after he spent a day at Baum.
“…….”
Is it because I’ve been thinking for too long without showing any sign of it? No matter how much I think, that seems to be the only reason… What should I say to him? That I’m thinking hard right now? So he shouldn’t keep his distance?
Did he feel like I was ignoring him? Is that why he’s hurt and trying to distance himself? Is he clearing out the things he did with me one by one, and in the end, planning to clear me out too?
Does he not like me anymore? Is he sick of me? Does I look like someone who just took the ‘I love you’ and ran?
No, that’s not it. I’m the kind of guy who could think that, but Eun-won isn’t. Eun-won isn’t that kind of person.
“Ah, fuck. My head.”
Wincing at a sudden surge of headache, Cha Se-jin pressed firmly on his throbbing temples and continued to circle the living room incessantly.
While all sorts of negative thoughts flooded in, the thought that Eun-won wasn’t someone who would give up so easily also popped up. Hadn’t Eun-won said he loved him? With a face that looked like he might cry at any moment, with a face that didn’t want to be hurt, he had confessed that he wanted to be with him for a very long time, and that he loved him so much he was afraid it might end.
Such a person couldn’t possibly change his mind this quickly. But as he thought of himself—how his own heart flipped back and forth several times a day—the scale quickly tipped back toward the negative. The countless experiences of losing interest or becoming fed up with a partner over a single action, let alone a day, held Cha Se-jin back.
…What if Eun-won is like that too? What if he’s sick of me for not saying anything all this time? What if he’s completely lost his affection and wants to redefine the relationship…?
‘I expect more than what the Director gives me, I’m scared alone, and I’m anxious about the good times we have now… things like that. I think I also need to… sort things out a bit.’
On the day they talked at Baum, Eun-won had used the word ‘sort out.’ For some reason, he had felt strange when he heard that word back then. He wondered why that word had stuck in his head so strongly, and now he knew…
‘I have a few things to think about.’
This is it. He’s thinking about sorting me out. There’s no other reason to suddenly go for a walk alone.
“Ah….”
Fuck, I’m going crazy.
Once his thoughts reached that point, he completely lost his composure. All sorts of thoughts—too many thoughts—became entangled and jumbled, turning into a complete mess. Cha Se-jin, who had been frantically pacing the living room, stopped dead in his tracks and sank into deep thought.
He had to think. He had to think. Not just any thought, but he had to come up with the ‘answer’ to give to Eun-won. But his thoughts wouldn’t organize easily. To think he couldn’t even organize one thought when he was on the verge of being ‘sorted out’ by Eun-won. Fuck’s sake.
It was a feeling he had never experienced in his life. He was anxious and restless. He even had the absurd thought that Eun-won might just disappear from the garden as he was.
Think, think quickly. If you want to even try talking again, come up with an answer fast.
“…….”
Would it be an answer if he said he still loves the time they spend together now? The future… the future. How is one supposed to think about that, really? Next year? Five years later? Ten years later?
What was certain was that even after such a long time, he felt that Eun-won would naturally be by his side. Tomorrow, and then, the same kind of time would continue, so why would he ever break up with Eun-won? That was impossible.
Is this my thought, so can I just say it like this…? Ah, is that too insincere of an answer?
Right, then let’s say the future is difficult… what about love?
Something he hadn’t been able to figure out after agonizing for days didn’t suddenly come to him now that he was pushed to the limit. His heart beat excessively fast. It felt as if Eun-won were drifting away in real-time. He worried that Eun-won might have come to hate him for not being able to give a proper answer, that he might be completely fed up with him, and that he might no longer look at him as he once did.
For the first time, he felt a sense of longing. No, ‘longing’ wasn’t enough of a word.
“…….”
He didn’t want to lose him. That one thing was vivid and clear.
Is the desire for someone not to hate me love? Is the anxiety that someone might not love me anymore love? Not wanting to lose someone… that seems like love. Can I say it like this? That it seems like love after all?
Ah, fuck. What is that? Would anyone believe it if I said it like that?
Closing his eyes tightly against a head that felt like it was about to explode, Cha Se-jin opened them, spun around, and left the living room for the entrance. He felt that he needed to see Eun-won first to find the answer. He didn’t want to be alone. Because this was his and Eun-won’s home. A place that would not change, no matter what happened, yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
Unaware that he already knew the answer, Cha Se-jin hurried his steps. So that he wouldn’t be ‘sorted out’ by Eun-won.