#39

Amber always harbored that anxiety. The awareness that his relationship with Tennessee was possible only because of Tennessee’s permission and will. The fear that if Tennessee suddenly decided to vanish, or if he died, Amber would never find him again.

Amber recalled that ten-digit number he had memorized. Tennessee had discarded that number long ago, but Amber still couldn’t forget it. He would recite the ten digits like a mantra, whispering them whenever he felt anxious.

When his grade changed, Amber visited Chicago. He knew it wasn’t honorable to return to Chicago only a few months after promising to visit once he became an adult. However, he was tempted by the idea of just watching from afar. Whether he was doing well, whether he was sleeping well. He had such worries. He didn’t intend to face him. He simply missed him.

But Tennessee’s house was empty. Seeing the dark house, Amber let out a sigh. Yes, it would have been more surprising if Tennessee had actually been home.

He noticed something unusual a few weeks later.

Heading back to Chicago on a weekend, Amber discovered a small sign hanging on the front door of Tennessee’s house. There was also a sign in front of a small flowerpot next to the stairs. It was a phrase that hadn’t been there during his last visit.

[FOR LEASE]

Below it was the name and phone number of someone who was clearly a real estate agent.

The color drained from Amber’s face as he checked the sign again. No matter how much he looked, nothing changed. That place was indeed the house where Amber and Tennessee had occasionally spent a few days together.

Not anymore, though.

Amber buried his face in the steering wheel. Tennessee had put the house up for lease. Without a word to him, without a single clue of where to find him.

Amber bit his lip.

What about the company? Did he dispose of everything? Was he completely hiding himself? Amber gripped his head in anxiety. He needed to think calmly, but his mind wouldn’t function properly. What should he do? Should he go to the company to find him? What would he even say?

He didn’t even have the words. After all, he was the one who said he would visit once he became an adult.

How pathetic must Tennessee think of him? But he was too anxious and uneasy to let him go like this. What if Tennessee putting the house up for lease wasn’t due to special circumstances, but to shake him off?

“…Liar.”

The thing he feared most had actually happened. Amber sat there endlessly, staring at the space that had been Tennessee’s home.

“Coward.”

He had freed himself from the shackles and left. No, that’s not it. Tennessee owed him a debt. He had said so himself.

Amber comforted himself, believing that Tennessee wasn’t the kind of person to leave someone behind like this.

Upon arriving in Michigan, Amber sought out Elizabeth. While Amber had waited anxiously for the calls that came once every few months, Elizabeth had not forgotten that she had exchanged emails with Tennessee. The sense of betrayal from that time was enough to vent for days on end.

However, neither Elizabeth nor David had any means of contacting Tennessee.

“What is it, Ryker?”

David asked, catching Amber, who was moving frantically and rambling.

How can I find him again?

That was the only question in Amber’s head.

What should he do?

Tennessee hated drugs. If he bought drugs ostentatiously… or if he said he had self-harmed…

“Ryker!”

At Elizabeth’s sharp shout, Amber finally realized he had spoken those foolish words aloud.

“What on earth are you talking about?”

Amber snapped back to his senses. Their faces showed nothing but confusion, as if they hadn’t fully heard him, but Amber couldn’t lift his head in shame. Even if it was just an impulse, just a thought, to even imagine such things… it was the worst.

“…Tennessee was right.”

He felt so frustrated he could cry.

“I really am still a child.”

He wanted to become an adult right this instant. A mature person who could stand beside Tennessee. A better person, a superior person.

Amber took a deep breath.

Tennessee wasn’t the kind of person to abandon him like that.

‘Stay here.’

‘I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you in advance if I’m going to leave you behind.’

Cooling his temper, Amber took out a piece of paper. The address was the security firm where Tennessee worked.

Even if he hadn’t intentionally left him behind, this was something that deserved resentment.

Two weeks later, Amber wrote a letter to Tennessee. After debating where to send it, he used the headquarters of Tennessee’s security firm as the address. Fearing it might be misdelivered, he didn’t forget to write ‘Security Consultant, Tennessee’ in large letters.

The reason it took two weeks to write the letter was that it took that long to manage his heart, which was full of scathing sarcasm and resentment, and to find a sense of moderation.

Nevertheless, he couldn’t completely hide the nuance of accusation, and thus, in a flat in London, Tennessee opened a letter filled with resentment.

[Dear Tennessee,

I don’t think saying I feel betrayed is enough. How could you leave without a word? Don’t say, ‘You decided to come back when you became an adult.’ As you said, I’m a child. Don’t you know how much trauma a sudden parting like this leaves on a fragile, emotional, and sensitive teenager like me? Thanks to you, I’m receiving counseling.

That last part was an exaggeration. I am receiving counseling, but it’s not because of you. After seeing Mr. Huston in Chicago last time, Elizabeth must have had a change of heart and pushed me into the counseling room.

At first, I didn’t even want to bring it up, but having a session once a week hasn’t been such a bad experience. I’m gradually getting better, so don’t worry. And don’t even think about using excuses like ‘your high school life,’ ‘your SATs,’ or ‘adjusting to a new family.’ Those are my problems, and I’ll handle them myself. No matter how you sugarcoat it, the fact remains that you ran away.

I’m still waiting for a call from you, not knowing when you might make me cry. How wonderful would it be if there were a way to contact you? It’s unfair that you can come here and see me whenever you want, but I cannot do the same. Because it’s unfair, I’m not telling you not to come find me. I just want you to know how much I’ve waited, and how much comfort I drew just from the fact that you were in a space I knew.

And please don’t mistake the absence of swear words starting with ‘f’ in my letter for me being at peace. Of course, I’m doing well. But even if I were living the happiest life in the world, please don’t forget that I am waiting for your call. I want you to contact me. You are my… that thing. Starting with P.]

P… what? Patron? When Tennessee narrowed one eye, as if having predicted this, Amber had written the following on the underline.

[Partner.

From your partner, Amber.]

And then, about two months after that, one more letter arrived. Through the letter, Amber detailed how Tennessee was a cold-blooded person without blood or tears, and how he had left a deep wound and the pain of parting for his young self, stabbing at whatever remnants of conscience Tennessee had left.

[I don’t even know if this letter reached you. What hurts most is that I wouldn’t know even if you were injured or if something terrible happened to you.]

After contemplating, Tennessee postponed his decision. He intended to think about it a bit more before deciding whether to reply. When he actually picked up the pen, he remembered the warmth that had spread when their lips pressed together. As he set the pen down, he could hear Amber’s low voice. What should he do?

Tennessee closed his eyes. Amber had always been a massive headache, a question, a mystery, and a phenomenon—like a natural disaster—that was completely out of his reach. He couldn’t control him, nor could he simply leave him be.

It was after Tennessee had let several months pass without deciding.

In the next letter, Amber sent only a single line.

[How wonderful would it be if I could turn my back on you. I’m sorry.]

A sigh of lament escaped.

That was the last letter.

* * *

It was after a full two years had passed that Amber heard news of Tennessee.

Two years. Amber had become the adult he so desired, and he was just becoming accustomed to the feverish excitement within himself.

Now, Amber no longer stayed up all night thinking of Tennessee. He no longer spent hours standing endlessly in front of that building in Chicago. This was despite the fact that he now lived within a distance where he could go whenever he wanted. However, he hadn’t given up.

Rather, he had learned how to challenge himself in his own way. To the love-hate relationship of resenting Tennessee, to the foolishness of not being able to let go of his heart, and to the sweet waiting.