#38

“I didn’t recognize him at first because he’d changed so much. He was homeless.”

He hadn’t expected him to have come to Chicago, nor that he would run into Amber, even by chance.

“I was planning to save up money and sue him once I became independent.”

Elizabeth and David would have helped, but he didn’t want to ask for handouts.

Amber continued, his face tinged with bitterness.

“But I didn’t know he was already living a life like that.”

Amber coughed harshly between the words he spoke. Had someone mentioned he was showing symptoms of pneumonia?

“……Did Tennessee do that to Mr. Hurston?”

Why hadn’t he reached out? Tennessee wondered. If it had been him, he would have sought out Amber anywhere. And he would have crushed Hurston’s head right in front of Amber. He had already planned how to kill him, but it didn’t matter. He would have moved willingly, as if opening a bed and a closet to prove that the monster you feared is no longer here.

But looking back, it was a ridiculous thought. After having pushed him away so coldly.

“Yes. I did it.”

“Why did you do that?”

Amber asked in a hoarse voice. It was the first time Tennessee had heard resentment from him. In the past, Amber hadn’t even known how to plead properly, so he had simply despaired, and that despair often translated into anger.

“Why did you take my revenge for me?”

“It’s not like that.”

“Why did you do it……? To Tennessee, am I just a child who needs to be spoon-fed everything?”

Amber’s voice cracked. He didn’t have the luxury of a moment to compose his heart. He was exhausted. Amber thought it was too much. He felt himself growing weary of Tennessee’s silence as he stared at him without a word.

“Just how miserable are you going to make me?”

“No. It’s not because…”

Tennessee chose his words.

“It’s not because you’re pathetic. It’s because I’m that kind of person.”

Tennessee asserted that he had simply acted according to his nature. It wasn’t because he was a great man, a righteous person, or because he had such a right, but simply because he killed a person for ruining his mood.

He hadn’t even considered what kind of plan Amber had been making regarding Hurston. Such things hadn’t even crossed his mind. He was just angry, and he wanted to vent that anger. There was no reason to vent it elsewhere or to endure it.

He was no different from a thug who harms someone just because they splashed muddy water on his shoes. He knew this, but so what? Tennessee was saying that, fundamentally, this was the kind of human he was.

“Just when…… is this because of me?”

“Amber.”

Irritation was evident in Tennessee’s tone.

“Stop being tedious. The moment I heard you speak, I’ve already thought of where and how to tear him apart. It was a stupid move to begin with, leaving a loose end. I was an idiot.”

Tennessee’s belief that killing was too merciful remained unchanged. Hurston deserved to suffer for a lifetime, living a life of being chased, always looking behind him. However, if Amber was having nightmares because of him, killing him was a trivial matter. Especially now, when Hurston wasn’t a man with an enviable family, but a man of the streets who could vanish and no one would know.

“Do you not understand what I’m talking about?!”

At Amber’s shout, Tennessee rubbed his forehead. In truth, he didn’t exactly know for what precise reason Amber was resenting and angry with him right now. He spoke out with the feeling of someone rolling a pencil while facing a difficult problem.

“Because I took your revenge. Your part in it disappeared.”

“Tennessee, you can’t sleep.”

Amber shook his head, saying that was the wrong answer. Every time his eyelids closed, tears streamed down his cheeks. Amber wiped them away haphazardly.

“I’m disappointed that you did it for me, but I’m not angry.”

Yes, this was it. Amber brought up the agony that had tormented him for a long time.

“Why did you do it? Why did you dirty your hands?”

“You’re mistaken about something; my hands didn’t become dirty. A single drop of blood on hands already stained with grime…”

“Don’t do that.”

Having stopped crying, Amber bit his lip. Amber’s height was now similar to Tennessee’s. The image of the young Amber overlapped. Those moments when tears shimmered in wide-open blue eyes.

“What about Derek?”

“He’s probably in a similar state.”

“Tennessee, don’t do that.”

Amber whispered, catching his ragged breath.

“You think it’s nothing, but it’s not. No one is unaffected.”

“Don’t try to lecture me.”

“You can’t even sleep alone.”

“……Ha.”

Tennessee let out a hollow breath, sheerly baffled. Having wiped away all his tears, Amber’s face looked strangely better than when he first entered the hospital room. Though his complexion was still pale, something in his eyes had changed.

“Are you going to kill Mr. Hurston?”

“Yes. Immediately.”

I told you not to. Amber’s attitude was like a teacher looking at a disobedient student. Tennessee didn’t hide his expression of absurdity.

Why the do-this-do-that? Why the do-and-don’t?

If Amber was the teacher, Tennessee sat crookedly like a problem child and added one more thing.

“He deserves to die.”

Amber sighed. Tennessee snorted, recognizing the meaning mixed in that sigh—something like, ‘How can I save this unethical human being?’ If Amber had pestered him a bit more, he might have given in, but Amber changed the subject.

“Did you come because you heard I was sick?”

Tennessee stubbornly kept his lips pressed tight.

He’ll never say anything nice. Amber thought as he gave one last sniffle. While Amber pondered whether to reveal the resentment resurfacing within him, Tennessee was lost in other thoughts.

‘If you move, I’ll stab you.’

He remembered Amber saying that. It was the moment they first met. Amber, who had pointed scissors at a man with a gun, performing a quite skillful and precocious act. He seemed to have not a shred of guilt while lying. But at the same time,

‘Because it felt like home, I thought it would be better to starve than to steal from someone who gave me something like that.’

Thinking about it, the Amber who possessed a firm will and his own set of standards had existed even back then. If it had been Tennessee, he would have stolen everything there was, regardless of faith or anything else, but Amber stubbornly and honestly refused to let go of his humanity.

“Tennessee, please comfort me.”

‘Please hold me tight.’

Remembering Amber saying that once, Tennessee unconsciously let his expression soften. Amber had been someone who clung to him.

Tennessee stood up. He intended to hug him.

However, sitting on the hospital bed, Amber shook his head.

“If I’m to receive something, I want a kiss instead of a hug. A butterfly kiss.”

“……You said you didn’t need my pity; have you hit rock bottom?”

Though Amber was often described as ‘sharp’ by Tennessee, he sincerely thought Tennessee had a problem with his way of speaking. Amber wore a look of blatant frustration.

17 – Chapter

“That’s the kind of thing someone who’s full says. When you’re starving to death, does begging even matter?”

It was a tone that suggested, Don’t you know you can end up dead just because you’re clinging to your pride?

“How much is a kiss worth that you’re playing so hard to get?”

Despite those words, Tennessee hesitated. He would have done it for the old Amber. As Amber said, it wasn’t exactly a high-priced kiss. But after hearing Amber’s confession, he felt an odd reluctance. He felt like he shouldn’t.

But Amber showed no such hesitation.

“Tennessee.”

Amber reached out with his left hand, which had been tucked under the covers. He extended his hand slowly, as if handling a wild beast. When Amber finally grasped Tennessee’s left hand, Tennessee’s shoulders stiffened. His arm tensed tight, like an animal sensing a threat.

Though the touch had been cautious, Tennessee nearly shook him off reflexively. It was only through a superhuman effort of reason that he didn’t push Amber away.

Amber closed his eyes with a faint smile. At the silent urging, Tennessee leaned back.

Thinking about it, it was no big deal. A peck on the cheek was likely just a greeting Amber gave to Annie and Cody as well.

Now gripping the headboard of the bed, Tennessee blinked rapidly. Just yesterday, Tennessee had been this close to Amber. At that time, Amber had literally been at a loss for what to do. He had repeatedly clenched and unclenched his fists, trembling with anxiety as if Tennessee’s approach were the sound of an advancing enemy.

What on earth happened in a single day?

If anything, Tennessee was now in a state similar to yesterday’s Amber. He had a choice. He could have stepped back and told Amber to stop the stupid jokes, or he could have snapped at him for acting cheap.

But he felt a strange compulsion, as if someone were grabbing the scruff of his neck and pulling him down. That feeling, disguised as an impulse, fanned the flames within Tennessee.

Waiting quietly, Amber kept his eyes closed, as if certain that Tennessee would kiss him.

It’s just a greeting.

As if forcibly overcoming his hesitation, Tennessee pressed his lips against Amber’s. They touched. The moment he realized it, the breath that had felt light swept over him like a gale. Startled, Amber opened his eyes. Their blue eyes met. It was at that moment—when Amber’s eyes softened and Tennessee felt his genuine joy—that Amber closed his eyes again, as if by magic.

Tennessee hurriedly pulled away.

“I’ll come find you when I’m an adult.”

As if he had expected such a reaction, Amber remained composed. With his lips still damp, Amber spoke.

“Don’t come.”

Wiping his lips with the back of his hand, Tennessee stepped back. This was no time to linger. He had just rushed out, so he had to go back.

“At least give me a chance then.”

“Chance or not, I’m not attracted to you.”

“Just try. It’s not like it’s completely impossible.”

Amber was clearly speaking with the fact that he was bi in mind, but to Tennessee, those words sounded different. Amber watched Tennessee, who had suddenly become frantic, in silence. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know Tennessee.

“I don’t want to try.”

Tennessee blurted this out as he opened the hospital room door.

“Then what’s your type, Tennessee?”

“An experienced woman who is straightforward in relationships and proactive in bed.”

…And you said you’re bi.

Amber chuckled. With a word to take care of himself, Tennessee turned and hurried away. Amber waved his hand until Tennessee’s back disappeared from sight.

I shouldn’t have listened to him.

Getting into the elevator, Tennessee clicked his tongue. When he took out his phone, there were numerous missed calls.

Something happened. I have to go. Since he had disappeared after saying only that, they must be talking among themselves. A nuisance had arisen.

Out of habit, Tennessee ran a hand through his hair and hurried. Then, as if he had tripped over something, he came to a halt.

He had felt it since they first met, but the kid was precocious. Even while sobbing, he subtly said everything he wanted to say, and Tennessee always ended up doing as he wished. He could almost hear that serious voice saying he wanted to tell him something when he became an adult. It felt like only yesterday that he had called out “Tennessee!” in a voice that hadn’t yet cracked from puberty.

Tennessee consciously wiped his lips.