#35

Tennessee had once mentioned that his eye color was similar to Amber’s. For Amber, that was something he couldn’t agree with. Tennessee’s blue eyes were vividly blue. They were a sapphire blue that shone like a flame from afar, or no matter where they were.

And those eyes pierced through Amber like a harpoon, dragging him down to earth.

He couldn’t even make an excuse. He couldn’t brazenly brush it off. This wasn’t something that could be smoothed over with a makeshift lie.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul; sometimes, human emotions surge like a tidal wave even without flowery words or gestures. Amber’s pure devotion was like that. Tennessee looked at Amber’s hand, which had interlaced their fingers. The carefully entwined hand was warm.

“Tennessee.”

He had been exposed. Sensing that he’d been caught, Amber called out to Tennessee. With a sigh, Tennessee sat up and looked down at Amber with cold eyes.

“Amber.”

Even in his unconscious state, Tennessee remembered the warmth that had secretly crept into his hand. If someone made such a gesture, if someone approached him like a pain, it couldn’t be something light that comes and goes like a spring breeze.

“I have no desire to do that with you.”

He remembered Amber, whose eyes were full of fear and confusion, who had lost a tooth, who had cried not to be abandoned, and who had trembled. Though that image was blurred like an ancient ruin, Tennessee had not yet forgotten those memories.

“Should I say I’m sorry?”

Amber approached urgently.

“I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you when I became an adult.”

At that moment, Tennessee felt an improper sense of betrayal. Tennessee had never cared for anyone like this. Even if it was insufficient attention from Amber’s perspective, it had been his own best effort. Perhaps he thought it would continue. He had a fear of betrayal, but he had resolved that if he had to trust someone and be betrayed, he would accept it willingly. However, he had not expected this situation.

‘Actually, I lied. I don’t have a girlfriend.’

‘Tennessee, I think I might be gay.’

‘…There was a person like that.’

Just as he felt he had finally figured out how to treat Amber, Tennessee found himself unable to know again.

“What do you want me to do? What exactly do you want to happen from now on?”

He could never say it directly to Amber, but he was a precious person. If Amber were even slightly in danger, Tennessee would have thrown himself into the fray to save him without hesitation.

But that was by no means based on erotic love.

“No!”

Amber shouted quickly. His fingers, which had been interlaced until a moment ago, felt empty. He missed it already.

“I mean it, can’t you just acknowledge it? I won’t interfere no matter who you date.”

“If you were going to hide it, you should have hidden it properly!”

Tennessee shouted, cutting Amber off. Hadn’t Amber himself hidden it because he expected a natural rejection? Then he should have concealed it perfectly. For the sake of both of them.

“…Get out. We’ll talk next time.”

Leaving the bed, Tennessee handed Amber his coat.

“Tennessee… please.”

“Choose. Either leave, or give up.”

Since Amber didn’t take it, Tennessee tossed the coat carelessly onto the sofa. Amber just stared at it. His heart, discarded like something cheap, his naked emotions felt utterly useless.

“I gave you a choice.”

“Later, when I become an adult, can’t you give me a chance?”

“You’re throwing a tantrum right now. How are you any different from a child complaining to have their curfew lifted?”

Amber loved Tennessee, but he had no intention of letting Tennessee disparage his feelings. Amber cherished Tennessee, and he cherished his own heart that loved him just as much. Even if it was displeasing to him. Just as a flushed Amber was about to retort, a question struck him like an arrow.

“Amber, did you ever think about my feelings?”

Tennessee was asking if he had considered his intentions in the midst of his own unilateral emotions.

“I’m sorry.”

Amber apologized sincerely.

He had ruined everything. Amber blamed himself. The realization that he had trampled a completed masterpiece, the shame, the regret.

“Please help me, tell me, please.”

Tennessee took in the sight of Amber asking desperately.

Amber always tried to do everything on his own. He was a child who had always disliked relying on others and tried to do his part. He was even more so after meeting his new family. He never mentioned hard things or bad things.

Perhaps Tennessee had hoped for the opposite. That he would rely on him more as an adult, seek advice, because he wanted to help in any way. Perhaps it was because he saw his own childhood self, with nowhere to lean, overlapping with Amber.

But Amber, as if seeing right through Tennessee, never spoke of such things. He only tried to share happy stories and good memories. That was why Tennessee couldn’t answer that question coldly. He could picture Amber struggling to resolve that time alone.

He wasn’t protesting to Tennessee right now. Amber was in despair, and he was sincerely seeking an answer.

“What am I supposed to do? Tennessee, I tried. But I just can’t. I really can’t.”

“That’s for you to figure out.”

“I can’t give up! I thought about it constantly. I was so afraid you’d react like this that I couldn’t even bring it up; I was so scared my hands were shaking!”

No, if I lose my composure here, I’ll really just be a throwing-a-tantrum child. Amber took a calm breath to steady himself.

“I can’t leave. I absolutely cannot do that.”

Tennessee, who had been rubbing his head, gave a vague nod. As if it didn’t matter either way.

“I’ll be an adult in a few months. Being a child isn’t a sufficient reason to reject me.”

Now that his excitement had subsided, Amber’s voice sounded much better. However, Tennessee frowned.

“What would I even do with a kid?”

As always, his words were hurtful, but Amber knew Tennessee to some extent. He feared raw emotions. He would say or do anything just to avoid them.

“I’ve never even thought about it.”

How does he see me? Tennessee was confused. It was something he had never considered, not even as a small possibility in the back of his mind. He had only vaguely imagined that as Amber grew up, he would eventually meet a good person. In Tennessee’s mind, he had always been behind Amber.

“Then start thinking about it now.”

“Good god, Amber.”

Amber bit his lip.

“I’m sorry…”

Every word he uttered was sincere. Even the apology.

Amber picked up his coat. The lingering regret resurfaced. If only I hadn’t fallen for Tennessee. It would have been easier if he could just give up. For himself, for Tennessee, for everyone.

“I’ll come back.”

Amber walked away, leaving Tennessee behind. Tennessee did not answer.

* * *

After that day, Amber visited Chicago several times. Tennessee’s house was always empty. Tennessee was busy, and since they had only met by carving out difficult gaps in his schedule, it wasn’t surprising that the house was vacant.

Amber slumped down by the entrance. People hurried past him. No one paid him any mind.

‘Either leave, or give up.’

Amber felt a tightness in his chest. Neither leaving him nor giving up was possible for him. Hanging from the very edge of a cliff, deciding whether to cling on forever or give up on survival was not a choice.

Clinging precariously to the edge, Amber thought: Tennessee was forcing that kind of choice upon him.

It was only after several months passed that Amber finally found the lights on in Tennessee’s house.

Confirming that Tennessee had returned, Amber rushed to the front door. After catching his breath and straightening his clothes, Amber pressed the doorbell.

Before long, Tennessee appeared at the door. It was a face he had missed. Though he wore an expression as cold as if they were meeting for the first time, Amber knew the warmth hidden behind that indifferent mask.

“…It’s been a while.”

Amber offered a greeting, but Tennessee didn’t return it. Right now, he had no expression at all.

He’s sorted out his feelings. In those few short months. Amber sensed it instinctively. At the same time, a surge of resentment and an indescribable sadness washed over him. It was something Amber found impossible, yet it seemed to have been so easy for Tennessee. Then again, Amber had never overestimated his own place in Tennessee’s life to begin with.

“You said you’d come back.”

“Have you decided?”

Tennessee asked before Amber could even finish his sentence. Amber forced the corners of his mouth to keep from trembling.

“…If I say I haven’t, are you not going to let me in?”

“Then I’ll leave.”

If Tennessee left, Amber would never be able to stop him. Even if he left right now and vanished somewhere, Amber had neither the means nor the ability to find him. It was that cruel.

“Answer me, Amber. There’s only one option anyway.”

Amber nodded. He shouldn’t have come. It was a foolish thing to do.

“…I’ll give up, Tennessee.”

Though it was a heart that could never truly give up, if saying those words allowed him to remain by Tennessee’s side, he didn’t care in what form it was. A child who knew nothing, a novice just stepping into society, a fool who mistook admiration for pure love.

“I’ll at least try.”

“Can you do that?”

Amber shook his head. But immediately after, he nodded. Let it be a deception. In truth, he had neither the confidence nor the possibility of giving up. Not a shred of possibility. It was better to believe in a miracle. After all, hadn’t miracles happened several times before? Just as he had come to meet Tennessee in this vast land.