#34

After that, lying beside Tennessee at a moderate distance became Amber’s habit. He would fall asleep while stroking the jet-black hair of the sleeping man or fiddling with his hand, which bore calluses and faint scars.

“My insomnia disappears when I’m next to you. Strange, isn’t it?”

Those were the words Tennessee had spoken when Amber woke up to find him already awake and drinking coffee. Amber remained happy for a long time because of that single sentence.

I hope I can be this helpful. Amber prayed. Having been passive throughout and unilaterally relying on Tennessee’s—not exactly—mercy, Amber was happy to know he was having a positive influence on him. At the same time, it provided great comfort. He would sometimes smile to himself at the fact that he wasn’t merely a parasite to Tennessee.

But simultaneously, he felt a tinge of sadness. He thought that if he had been a girl, Tennessee probably would never have allowed him to lie by his side.

* * *

By the time Tennessee and Amber had grown accustomed to sleeping beside one another, Amber entered 10th grade.

Amber, who had been on the taller side since 8th grade, now had a build that was indistinguishable from those in 12th grade. He had already been changing his uniforms and shoes almost daily as soon as he entered high school. Every time Elizabeth went to buy uniforms with him, she teased him, calling him a magic beanstalk. It wasn’t just uniforms; he had to buy new pajamas and underwear as well. His growing pains were so severe that he would wake up groaning in his sleep, and every few months when Tennessee saw him, he would look at Amber with a gaze of unfamiliarity. His voice, having passed the breaking stage, was unusually deep for his age, and no matter where he went, people didn’t see him as a typical high school student.

In the winter, at the end of the first semester of 10th grade, Amber discovered that he had caught up to Tennessee’s height.

“I’m going to be taller.”

“Dream big, then.”

“You’re already fully grown, Tennessee. I still have at least two or three more years.”

Just because he had caught up to Tennessee’s height didn’t mean Amber was satisfied. Amber rested his chin on Tennessee’s shoulder for no particular reason. When I get taller, I’ll rest my chin on top of Tennessee’s head! That was his small wish.

“I heard you made the varsity team?”

Tennessee spoke as he lit a cigarette.

It had been a while since Amber had seen him. Sitting in the diner, Tennessee was as handsome as ever. He didn’t seem to put much effort into his appearance, yet it was a mystery how he looked so stunning every single time. Whenever Tennessee looked at him, Amber felt a tingling sensation in his fingertips.

“It’s been a while since I joined.”

Amber had joined the lacrosse and baseball teams in 9th grade. In the case of baseball, he was quite late compared to his peers. Most people gained experience in Little League from a young age and continued sports into high school. Despite lacking such experience, Amber had made the varsity team starting in 9th grade. While not unprecedented, it wasn’t common.

“The news reached me late.”

It wasn’t that Amber didn’t understand. Tennessee was as busy as ever.

From Amber’s perspective, Tennessee’s security work was as hectic as when he worked with the FBI. He frequently traveled to the UK and Saudi Arabia, and occasionally to Africa or Europe. That was only what Amber knew; in reality, there was likely more.

“What about college?”

“There’s a place I want to go.”

Elizabeth, a graduate of Michigan State University’s medical school, hoped Amber would attend the same university. Or at least, she hoped he would attend a college within Michigan. Since Amber already lived in Michigan, there was the advantage of reduced tuition, but more than that, she wanted Amber to continue living with her even after becoming a college student.

In contrast, David, a graduate of Dartmouth College, hoped Amber would go there despite the distance. Elizabeth and David competed to lure Amber, each promising to cover his full tuition if he chose their alma mater. However, there was another university Amber actually wanted to attend.

“Where?”

“The University of Chicago.”

Tennessee nodded. His eyes, which had been strangely unfocused since the appetizers, now looked quite sleepy as Amber finished his meal.

“Shall we go back?” Amber asked, now accustomed to putting Tennessee to sleep.

Tennessee quietly followed where Amber led him back to the bed. With glazed eyes, he changed his clothes and lay down haphazardly, as if he lacked the strength to even pull back the covers. It was Amber’s role to place a pillow behind Tennessee’s head and cover him up to his neck.

“Hot.”

When Tennessee muttered, Amber lowered the blanket to cover only his stomach.

“You’ll catch a cold if you don’t cover your stomach.”

“Nagging.”

They were just exchanging idle words, but Amber loved that moment so much it didn’t even feel real. It was a piece of the dream Amber had envisioned for a long time.

Maybe, just maybe, things would be like this 5, 10, or 30 years from now. Maybe he could continue to place the pillow, cover him with the blanket, and hold his hand while dreaming.

“Is the kid playing guardian now?”

Even in his sleep, Tennessee tossed out a playful remark, and shortly after, he began to breathe rhythmically. Hearing those words, Amber’s heart grew complicated. A kid. If he hadn’t been a child, Tennessee probably wouldn’t have granted his requests or treated him so comfortably.

He realized that it probably would have been over the moment he was discovered in the car. Amber believed the reason Tennessee granted almost every request—aside from those involving him leaving for work—was because he was young. It wasn’t that Tennessee wouldn’t give it to him, but simply that Amber hadn’t asked; if he had asked for a game console, a phone, or even a new car, Tennessee would have bought them.

Despite receiving many benefits from Tennessee because he was young, Amber hated that part.

After putting Tennessee to sleep, Amber moved around for a long time. He cleaned the house and prepared snacks to eat together when Tennessee woke up. Although Tennessee slept deeply by his side, Amber moved cautiously, fearing he might wake, and went out to do some grocery shopping.

He had just returned with ingredients. While eating out was fine, he wanted to cook for him personally.

Amber opened a file saved on his phone. It was a recipe for Mexican food. He had tried making it a few times in Michigan, and the feedback had mostly been positive. Since he had practiced often, he hoped Tennessee would like it too. He planned to cook it considering Tennessee’s palate, which didn’t favor strong seasoning.

Time passed quickly, but it was only 8 PM—too early to go to bed. Tennessee was sleeping with small breaths, not even tossing and turning. Amber lay down beside him. Amber’s eyes were wide awake. As he habitually touched Tennessee’s hair, he discovered a wound on the back of his hand.

He said he wasn’t field staff.

Amber gently stroked the wound. Every time he saw such marks, Amber realized how ignorant he was about Tennessee.

‘You’re not field staff? Then are you office staff?’

When he first heard those words, Amber was purely surprised, but half-glad. He felt that Tennessee would get hurt less. However, from what he heard, he didn’t seem to be office staff either.

A security consultant? Amber guessed it might be because of Tennessee’s unique career history—though he didn’t know if describing a hitman that way was appropriate. But he didn’t know the detailed reason. Then again, what did he actually know about Tennessee?

“Tennessee.”

Amber realized he was becoming more and more greedy. Before, he had simply hoped Tennessee would at least stay within the US. Once that was achieved, he wished he could see him more often.

After meeting Tennessee occasionally and feeling that he was being helpful to him, his greed soared without end. Even though he felt he should rein in his heart, he couldn’t.

I wish he needed me more.

No, he didn’t even hope for that much. I wish he would think of me more and contact me more often. If they could just be in touch frequently, he felt he would want nothing more.

Though they could see each other occasionally like this, the lack of communication was no different from before. Tennessee changed his phone frequently, and even then, it was always a burner phone that could be discarded at any time.

Tennessee lived as if he were ready to cut everyone off at any moment. Amber felt lucky to be by his side, even for a short while. Thinking that way gave him the illusion that his massive, crouching desire was being somewhat appeased.

Amber moved a tiny bit closer to him. Just enough to faintly smell his breath, which smelled of toothpaste.

After hesitating, Amber reached out. He touched the relaxed fingers before grasping Tennessee’s cold palm.

He remembered hugging Tennessee when he was sick, or when he felt he had to, but he felt he had never actually held his hand. He had been grabbed by the wrist, but that was different.

Amber didn’t dare imagine walking down the street while affectionately holding hands. He just wanted to hold his hand.

After confirming that Tennessee was breathing steadily, Amber licked his parched lips. Then, Amber slid his fingers between Tennessee’s and gently pressed their palms together. After a moment’s hesitation, he interlaced his fingers with Tennessee’s limp hand. Warmth spread. Tennessee’s hands were generally cold. Or perhaps they were chilled because he often came back from smoking outside.

“Tennessee.”

Amber tried to calm his trembling breath. But it didn’t work, so he squeezed his eyes shut.

Only their hands were touching, yet it felt as if he were wrapped in Tennessee’s arms. No, as if he were holding him in his own arms. It was something he had never been able to do. If only I could hug him tightly. Please.

The imprinting didn’t end with just engraving Tennessee’s existence into Amber.

As the years passed, Amber grew anxious and thirsty, and at the same time, those emotions brought about a sense of self-loathing.

“Tennessee…”

With his eyes closed, Amber whispered his name as if in prayer. How happy would I be if you became entirely mine? I would feel as if I owned the whole world. Every rising sun would feel like a miracle to me.

I love you. You gave me a new life.

He conveyed the words he couldn’t bring himself to speak.

And when Amber opened his eyes, he came face-to-face with pupils of a piercing blue.