#36

Tennessee sighed. Then he stepped aside to let Amber in. But Amber shook his head. He couldn’t possibly be with him while feeling this way.

Tennessee knew Amber. He knew that Amber wasn’t the type to experience a love that flared up briefly and then cooled. Like looking into a mirror, looking at Amber brought back Amber’s history and his nature. That was why Tennessee recognized Amber’s lie instantly.

Tennessee approached Amber. Today, Amber hadn’t dressed properly in a coat again. Tennessee looked at his shoulders with an unfamiliar gaze. As he drew closer, they were at the same eye level. When did he get this big? Looking at those broad shoulders, the Amber of the past seemed blurred, as if intentionally erased.

“Amber.”

As Tennessee approached, Amber hesitated. Then he answered in a small voice.

To him, Tennessee’s eyes looked somewhat dreamy. Almost as if he were in love. Unlike when he had first pressed the doorbell, the cold atmosphere had vanished from Tennessee, despite his expressionless face. It felt as if he would answer anything, just as he used to.

As if possessed, Amber lost his reason. He couldn’t stop Tennessee from approaching, nor could he call out to him. Standing as if nailed to the spot, Amber gazed at him.

Now Tennessee was standing right in front of him. Everything came into view: the eyelashes, the blue pupils, the thin upper lip and the creases of the plump lower lip. But Tennessee didn’t stop there and leaned forward. Now Amber could feel Tennessee’s breath. They were so close it felt like a kiss, and Amber’s heart dropped with a thud.

As if carried by a gentle breeze, Tennessee tilted his head slightly. Without realizing it, Amber parted his lips. He didn’t even think to close his eyes. It felt like a dream. The surface of the water grew still.

The moment they were close enough for their lips to touch, Tennessee whispered.

“You said you’d give up. You should be rejecting me; what are you doing?”

And Amber woke from the illusion. A searching gaze, a secret dragged out from deep within his lungs. Ripples formed. He fell instantly from the air into cold water. He felt suffocated.

“If you’re going to lie, you should do it properly.”

Having stepped back a pace, Tennessee was observing him with cold eyes. Tennessee’s hand gave Amber a light push. Even with that small gesture, Amber was pushed back significantly.

“Go. Don’t look for me until you’ve made a sincere choice.”

He was a cruel man.

16 – Chapter

* * *

Amber walked aimlessly. He forced his legs forward despite the fatigue and the creaking of every joint, moving mechanically. Seized by a strange sensation, as if his body and mind had been severed, Amber headed wherever his feet took him.

People brushed past him. A few pedestrians pointed at him, but Amber didn’t even have the mental capacity to care.

It was only when the night deepened and he realized he could no longer walk that Amber looked around to see where he was. Ear-splitting horns, fast-passing cars, trucks, and taxis. And then, finally, the sound of water. It was the Chicago River. Beside him, he could see the outline of a grand steel bridge. He felt as if he were being blinded by the lights of the skyscrapers and streetlamps.

With a sigh, Amber collapsed. Because it was late, the tourists and residents who wandered during the day had mostly vanished. Only a few groups of teenagers and homeless people remained on the street. His hands grew cold.

Burying his face deep in his hands, Amber reflected on his flesh-rending relationship with him.

Tennessee seemed most comfortable when he was alone. He was born independent and aloof; he didn’t know how to lean on others. That was why, whenever Amber was with Tennessee, he felt the illusion of being a parasite feeding on the other man’s flesh. It was his own fault for having the opposite temperament.

“You.”

Amber bolted upright. Someone had poked him in the back. Even before he turned around, a sickening smell hit his brain.

“It was you. It was you.”

It was a homeless man wearing a hat, his skin stained a dark, grimy color. As was the case in most major American cities, Chicago had many homeless people. He smelled of low-grade marijuana. A stench similar to the smell of grass in a gutter or a river ditch. It was a peculiar, damp smell that could be described in no other way.

Amber hurriedly backed away. It wasn’t because the man was dirty, but because a button-like glint flickered beneath the stained hat. An ominous feeling surged. The man standing before Amber was missing two front teeth. Every time he opened his mouth, canines were revealed along with the stench. He approached with a bizarre smile.

He’s out of his mind. Just as Amber thought this and tried to avoid him—

“Amber. Amber.”

Amber stopped dead, as if his ankle had been grabbed.

“Did you forget me, Amber?”

His breath grew ragged. Slowly turning around, Amber examined him closely. Though the lower half of his face was ruined by drugs, Amber remembered those characteristic, glass-bead eyes. Ironically, whenever the man smiled, Amber used to think he had a very kind impression. So much so that it didn’t evoke the atrocious things he had done.

“……Mr. Hurston?”

The man burst into a manic laugh. His laughter rang out loudly across the deserted banks of the Chicago River. Amber turned away hurriedly. It felt as if that laughter were a shadow binding him.

This is impossible. How could Mr. Hurston be here?

In that moment, Amber was dragged back not to Chicago, but to a small town in Oregon. Amidst buildings that formed a forest, a river that sounded like water, and structures packed so densely that the horizon was invisible, Amber had returned to that house. Hurston’s castle.

He had once wondered what he would do if they ever crossed paths again.

There were times when a hot rage surged, making him want to tear the man apart and kill him; there were times he imagined seeing him and passing by indifferently, as if all the past had been forgotten.

But not like this. The Hurston he actually faced was far more disgusting, insignificant, and wretched than in his memories, and above all……

He made him tremble with fear.

Amber stepped back hesitantly. His shoulders throbbed. Though Amber was now an adult and taller than him, he fell into the illusion that he was becoming infinitely small. He felt as if he were shrinking until he could see the hallucination of his shoulder being gripped firmly in the man’s grasp.

As Amber quickly turned his back, Hurston shrieked in a shrill voice.

“Amber! Amber!”

Amber grit his teeth and ran. His breath reached the top of his throat. It felt as if his heart would burst through his ribs.

“Do you know what I suffered because of you! Come back here!”

He thought it was over.

“Amber! Come back! Come back!”

Then, as if possessed, Amber stopped.

It was because he instinctively felt he was at a crossroads of choice. If he were to dwell on this moment later, once his reason returned, how much would he regret it? How much would he blame himself and feel ashamed?

“Amber!”

Hurston’s shout echoed faintly from beneath the grey bridge. Though the shout from afar was small, it reverberated, shaking Amber’s brain. Should he go? Should he turn around and immediately…… immediately……

What do I do?

What should I do?

His legs shook violently, and his entire body was drenched in sweat. Amber looked back. If he ran back, he could meet him. He wanted to meet him, grab him by the collar, and ask. Why did he do that to him? Why did he hurt him? Why did he cherish and give some children a wonderful childhood…… while he couldn’t do the same for him?

He was afraid. He wanted to hide.

He moved his feet again. Not toward the river where Hurston was, but somewhere else. He ran desperately, as if fleeing from the past, from a phantom. He was seized by the hallucination that if he stopped for even a second, Hurston would grab the back of his neck and slam him into the ground.

It hurts, Mr. Hurston, please stop.

To others, Hurston had been a truly wonderful guardian, but Amber had to beg him every night.

Mr. Hurston, it hurts, it hurts! Please let me go.

Dawn broke.

Amber, exhaling ragged breaths as if his head would explode, only stopped walking after discovering the rising sun. Blue and red light leaked over the forest of buildings.

Looking down now, one of his shoes was missing. His left foot, stripped of its shoe, was bloodied and a toenail was gone. Unable to catch his breath properly, Amber clutched his head. He collapsed, burying his face in his knees. Every single breath felt like a needle piercing his chest.

‘Amber, Amber.’

Hurston had called him as if singing.

‘Do you know how amber is made?’

Hurston had approached the sobbing Amber. He tapped Amber’s head with his index finger. Look here. It was a command. When the tearful Amber barely managed to lift his head, Hurston gave a kind-looking smile.

‘Trees leak something called resin. When that resin gradually hardens, it’s called copal. When that hardens over a long period of time, it’s called amber. A great amount of force is needed for amber to be created. A long time is also required. But before that, Amber, first the resin must come out. That is very important.’

Hurston grabbed Amber’s shoulder and lifted him up in one motion. Ack! Amber screamed at the sharp pain in his shoulder, but Hurston continued speaking as if he hadn’t heard.

‘To do that, you must wound the tree.’

He used to say things like that.

‘Remember, Amber, I am not causing you pain without reason. It is all to draw the jewel out of you.’

“Please stop…….”

“Are you okay?”

Amber closed his eyes and covered his ears. The rising sun stung his eyes. Amber kept his head down and did not lift it. He felt like an ant burning helplessly beneath a lens.

God tortured Amber with a detached gaze. There is no such thing as perfect innocence. How sure can you be that you didn’t provoke this even a little? If it wasn’t your fault, why were you the only one who suffered so much among all those children?

“Are you okay? Oh my goodness.”

Footsteps approached. Amber curled his body up as if to protect himself.

Wake up, Amber. Ryker, wake up.

“Paul! Come here, there’s someone here.”

The sound of footsteps approached like gunshots. Tensing his entire body, Amber bit his lip.

“Look at all this sweat, should we call the police?”

“911, we have to call 911.”

Urgent footsteps echoed. Amber could not open his eyes.

I hate this, Mr. Hurston. It hurts too much.