#29

No matter how impulsive that age can be, he hadn’t expected him to drive over four hours in a fit of rage. With a faint chuckle, Tennessee waited for a shallow sleep.

He suffered from chronic sleep deprivation. It was severe insomnia.

In the past, he used to get a few fragmented hours of light sleep. The insomnia was terrible, but he comforted himself by thinking that at least he was alive—a better outcome than returning to America as a corpse from Afghanistan.

After leaving the U.S., his insomnia reached its peak. Now, light sleep had become like a rare delicacy. Lately, he couldn’t even manage a moment of it. Tennessee would spend most of the night struggling to fall asleep.

He would push his body to the limit like that, then crash and sleep for a long stretch one day. It was a cycle of sleep. Once he woke up, he couldn’t fall back asleep, but if he didn’t do that, his head felt like it would split open.

Sensing Amber’s presence, Tennessee predicted that he probably wouldn’t be able to sleep today either. It wasn’t that Amber’s presence was uncomfortable, but rather that he was that sensitive to the presence of others, and his insomnia was that severe.

Tennessee.

He thought he heard a low voice calling his name from somewhere.

Strangely, alongside his worry about his insomnia, Tennessee was instantly plunged into a slumber. It felt like being gripped firmly by the ankle and dragged straight to the bottom—a sensation almost like an obsession.

13 – Chapter

I’ve felt this before. Tennessee thought with a hazy mind. When was it? He remembered holding a slender, trembling body. The warmth touching his stomach and chest lingered in his memory.

Tennessee.

I missed you.

Just as he was about to respond to those faint words, Tennessee opened his eyes.

Something was strange. He had only closed and opened his eyes for a brief moment, yet his surroundings were blindingly bright.

“Tennessee.”

Frowning at the piercing sunlight, Tennessee pushed himself up.

How long had it been since his head felt this clear? He shielded his eyes and checked the clock. Then, he closed his eyes tightly and opened them again.

Is the clock wrong? That shouldn’t be possible.

“Are you awake?”

It was a soft voice. In a state of unusual daze, Tennessee looked around. He was on the sofa where he had fallen asleep yesterday. It was a sun-drenched afternoon.

…I slept for over ten hours? Tennessee rubbed his forehead, unable to believe it.

However, looking at the scorching sun and the scenery of full-blown afternoon rather than morning, it didn’t seem like a dream.

Tennessee slowly stood up. Amber had already approached him. He was setting down a bag with the name of a restaurant near the house written on it.

“I was worried because you wouldn’t wake up.”

Amber’s voice was calm, though a faint sense of relief permeated it.

“Here are the keys.”

Tennessee stared blankly at the silver piece of metal dropping into his palm.

“How did you know where the keys were?”

“You told me. You told me when I asked earlier.”

“….”

I told him in my sleep? I did that?

Tennessee realized that having too many suspicious things happen at once could make one’s head spin.

While rubbing his face, Tennessee remembered that he had placed the keys and the revolver in the same drawer.

“…Did you touch the gun?”

“No.”

“Don’t even go near it.”

“And here I thought you told me to shoot once,” Amber muttered softly, pushing the food toward Tennessee. There was a sandwich with little dressing, a salad, and water. Opposite that, there was a pile of fast food large enough to cause cardiovascular disease.

“…Elizabeth told me not to eat that,” he added, sounding awkward.

Seeing how much food he had bought, it was obvious Amber was hungry, yet he didn’t move. He was clearly waiting for Tennessee to eat first.

“Eat.”

Standing up, Tennessee double-checked his missed calls, the time, and the date.

“I contacted Elizabeth. I told her I’d be coming back late after lunch.”

Washing his face with cold water seemed to wake him up. Tennessee brushed back his wet hair and returned to the sofa.

Having had a precious deep sleep, Tennessee looked at Amber again with a clear mind; he seemed slightly different from yesterday. He looked as if he had buried a quiet anger or anxiety.

Tennessee studied Amber’s face, as if trying to carve into his mind exactly how and where he differed from his memory.

Aside from his head and eyes, almost everything about Amber’s outward appearance had changed. However, his characteristic boyishness remained. Tennessee could sense the vitality that appeared amidst the boldness and resignation, like a fragrance.

“I’m glad you came back safely.”

Amber uttered such a sincere sentiment to someone as indifferent as him. Tennessee sat on the edge of the sofa without responding, but Amber gave a wide smile.

Basking in the afternoon sunlight, Tennessee and Amber shared a peaceful lunch.

Amber ate a mountain of food, including hamburgers. True to his growing age, he polished off the food in an instant, yet it was surprisingly not gluttonous.

“What?”

Feeling Tennessee’s gaze, Amber, who had been eating quietly, asked awkwardly.

“Nothing.”

After that, they remained silent throughout lunch. It was a quiet atmosphere, but there was no awkwardness to be found.

As he ate, Tennessee chuckled to himself, finding it comical how generous he was being toward Amber. To just show up unannounced like this. Strictly speaking, it was an intrusion, but Tennessee didn’t find Amber unpleasant or annoying.

“Didn’t you miss me?”

Amber asked Tennessee as he drank water after finishing lunch. It was a question that came after a long silence.

Tennessee emptied the entire bottle of water but did not open his lips. Looking at the lips clamped shut as firmly as his personality, Amber dropped his gaze.

“Isn’t there anything you’re curious about? We haven’t seen each other in nearly three years.”

He asked quietly, but in truth, Amber was burning inside. His heart was dizzy and complex. Half of him wanted to resent the incredibly indifferent Tennessee right now, and the other half wanted to beg him to recognize these feelings.

Amber held such contrasting emotions. He wanted to hug Tennessee immediately, yet he also wanted to get angry and leave him forever. To Amber, Tennessee had always been difficult.

Amber continued with a bitter smile.

“I got a girlfriend.”

Tennessee raised an eyebrow.

“Congratulations. So you weren’t gay.”

It was a joke in Tennessee’s own way, but Amber didn’t smile even a little.

“Actually, that’s a lie. I don’t have a girlfriend,” Amber said. “Tennessee, I think I’m gay.”

Or maybe bisexual? In truth, Amber wasn’t certain. But since he firmly liked someone of the same sex, at least he was sure he was gay.

Tennessee’s hand, which was opening a second water bottle, paused. Then, he drank the water as if nothing had happened.

“I see.”

That was all. Amber felt sudden surges of anger because he was so taciturn.

Amber wanted to know everything about him. What he was thinking, how he felt, what he liked and disliked, what he wanted to do in the future, if there was anything he regretted.

…Just as you are special to me, are you special to you too? Or does the very notion of ‘specialness’ even exist for you?

“Is that all? Aren’t you disappointed?”

“Why would I be? What do your parents say?”

“They say they support me.”

“You have good parents.”

Strangely, Amber didn’t want to talk about his parents in front of Tennessee.

Perhaps it was because it made him realize the gap between himself and Tennessee even more. The disparity between the independent Tennessee and himself, who still had to hide within a nest built by others.

“When did you realize it?”

As Amber looked up, Tennessee asked again.

“I’m asking when the moment of realization was. Or if you knew subconsciously since you were young.”

“…There was, such a person.”

Amber recalled the day he became aware of the feelings he harbored for Tennessee. Perhaps, as Tennessee said, he had known subconsciously.

When he suffered while waiting for Tennessee’s rare contacts, when he gazed endlessly at his back, when he heard that low voice—the emotions of all those moments were not surprising.

It might have started as admiration. But he was no longer a child, and it wasn’t difficult to distinguish that from a different emotion.

‘I’m sorry, David.’

‘Ryker…’

David hugged Amber as he bowed his head. Even while held in the arms of a family who truly loved him, a part of Amber’s heart was always empty. He let no one in, and no one could enter. Because he knew who occupied that space.

There was no moment he had waited for Tennessee’s call more than then.

Amber wanted to ask Tennessee ten thousand questions. He felt so lost and confused.

Perhaps this is an imprint. Is love originally like this, Amber asked himself.

If no hope is visible, shouldn’t one cut open the festering wound and live on by forgetting? Just as everyone else does.

While he couldn’t imagine Tennessee returning his feelings at all, Amber couldn’t find any other reality.

It was more like an imprint. He thought that the moment he let his guard down, it took root, and if pulled out, it might crumble just like that.

Checking the time, Tennessee told Amber to get ready to leave. It was a signal that the conversation was over. Amber nodded.

After showering, Tennessee looked at Amber and gestured toward the bathroom. It was a sign that it was his turn to wash.