By Zephyria Gyeoul sparkled under the sunlight. I felt like my pathetic self would be exposed, and I wanted to hide away forever in a place where the light didn’t reach.
Dark circles were heavy under his eyes, perhaps from the tight schedule. Bathed in sunlight, Gyeoul seemed to be dozing off, his eyes closed like a languid cat.
My lips twitched. No matter how many times I tried, my vocal cords wouldn’t move properly.
“I didn’t intend to deceive you.”
I wanted to say something, anything, to you. But I didn’t know how to start.
What was clear was that I didn’t want to leave any room for Gyeoul to misunderstand any longer. Intentionally concealing things was no different from deceiving him, but I really didn’t have any ulterior motives to try anything with him because of it.
Confessing in person was clumsy beyond compare. Unlike writing it down, I lost all logic and grammar.
Gyeoul finally opened his eyes and looked at me. His clear, light brown eyes reflected my image.
“I understand now.”
“…Gyeoul.”
I forced myself to pronounce your name, feeling a strange distance between us. As if it would narrow the gap even a little.
He turned his head, yawned, and wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand. His beige cardigan fluttered in the sea breeze.
In a calm voice tinged with sleepiness, he said, “Call me Mr. Winter, Mr. Sirius. We’ve only exchanged a few emails, haven’t we? I don’t think we were that close.”
Gyeoul, who had been leaning against the railing and looking at me, smiled playfully. I couldn’t control my expression. My facial muscles were frozen, as if they wouldn’t move.
Gyeoul stared at me for a long time. His small smile grew bigger and bigger, until he burst into laughter that shook his whole body.
‘Don’t you hate me?’
I wanted to ask Gyeoul, who was showing me such kindness. He had every right to hate me. I needed to know why he wasn’t exercising that hatred, so I wouldn’t stagnate in that feeling.
The laughter slowly subsided, and Gyeoul brought the still-steaming paper cup to his lips. I could only grip the railing so tightly that my hands ached. I desperately wanted to stroke his soft hair, which was fluttering in the breeze. It took a lot of effort to suppress the impulse.
Like before. Like in those good times. I wanted to go back to when I was your lover, or even before that, when we were just friends. Because then, anything would have been allowed.
Back to those days when I could touch you as I pleased and share my feelings with you…
“Understood, Mr. Winter.”
How arrogant of me. To dare to want to be by your side.
There would be many days ahead when I would have to face you. Meeting face to face every day, fighting for our respective interests, and becoming colleagues who would have to overcome many adversities together in the future.
So, I had to act as Gyeoul wanted. If you wanted that much distance between us, then that’s how it had to be. No matter what it took. Even if it meant hiding my feelings and only having the necessary conversations with you from a proper distance.
The laughter, which had completely died down, erupted again. It sounded clearer than the sound of the waves crashing against the pier in the distance.
The paper cup in his hand, as he leaned back and laughed, shook precariously. The surging hot tea seemed about to spill on Gyeoul’s hand. My throat was dry, and I wet my lips. Gyeoul didn’t seem to realize it yet.
Should I grab it? Am I even allowed to?
Hesitating, I might end up spilling the hot water on his hand. My fingers twitched, and I reached out towards Gyeoul. Just as I was about to grab the paper cup, Gyeoul stopped moving. I had become the person who suddenly reached out to him.
“Just kidding. Call me Winter. In a polite tone. I don’t want to let other people know that you and I know each other.”
“Okay, I will.”
I awkwardly withdrew my hand. Gyeoul’s gaze seemed to touch me, but he didn’t bother to mention it. As if to show that the tea was no longer hot, he gulped it down in one go. Then, he completely crumpled the empty cup.
“I decided to forgive you when we met again…”
Gyeoul said, trailing off. I swallowed hard at the difficult topic. I had read that letter that had saved me so many times, word for word, until it was worn out.
If I could be forgiven. It wasn’t about expecting a better relationship. It was just… I didn’t want you to waste your precious things on hating me. Whether it was time, thoughts, or anything else.
With nothing else to rely on but my own hands, I clasped them together and held them in the center of my body. Perhaps because I wanted to avoid Gyeoul’s expression, I couldn’t lift my head.
I waited for him to continue speaking. If he ended the sentence there, I would be relieved. Because your criticism had the power to shake my very foundation. …Just like my criticism had once done to you. Like it had scratched and hurt you.
Gyeoul opened his mouth again.
“You’re Sirius, though.”
It was an unexpected statement. So different from what I had expected that I was even taken aback. But I could understand what he meant.
The wind was strong. So, it was only natural that I couldn’t open my eyes properly. Because the saltiness stung my eyes, and I might cry. My hair was a mess, flying everywhere. I couldn’t show you this unsightly side of myself.
I blamed the harsh wind for the fact that my voice was trembling.
“…Are Kwon Yi-tae and Sirius different?”
“Of course. Sirius committed a wrong.”
In front of you, I was always a sinner. Even if I was given a new name, even if I built a new relationship with that name, I ended up committing a sin and earning hatred. Because I was me…
Deceiving you, toying with your feelings. Tarnishing the name of friend and running away alone. The list of charges grew longer, but when it came down to it, it was all because I was Kwon Yi-tae.
There was something in your words that particularly caught on my tongue. Sirius, Sirius.
“What about Kwon Yi-tae?”
Then, didn’t Kwon Yi-tae commit any wrongdoings? It felt like you were saying that only Sirius was at fault. If you had to compare, Kwon Yi-tae had committed a greater sin. I was even living only because I hadn’t been allowed to die by you.
Why do you act like you’re going to save even someone like me?
Gyeoul threw the crumpled paper cup away. It hit my head and rolled to my feet. It didn’t hurt at all. Because he didn’t intend to. I bent down and picked up the trash.
Your voice poured down on it like starlight. My movements stopped as if my heart had stopped. In a world where everything was frozen, only your voice could be heard clearly.
“I already forgave him. Because I promised to. Unlike some people, I keep my promises well.”
My hand lost its strength, and I dropped the paper cup. It was blown by the wind and rolled next to you. I had to pick it up again. But I couldn’t bring myself to stand up.
No omnipotent god could save me. Even if they wove coincidences and brought you before me, if it wasn’t you, I was destined to be thrown into hell and die. But only you could do it. Only you.
“Why…”
Don’t you resent me? It shouldn’t be something that can be resolved so easily.
I held back my tears. If I cried here, it would be obvious that I was crying, and there might be strange rumors circulating about us within the team. I had to prevent that at all costs. I didn’t care about rumors about me, but Gyeoul shouldn’t be the target.
I strained my eyes until they were bloodshot and lifted my head. I was still holding the trash that I hadn’t been able to pick up.
The kind Gyeoul strode right up to me. The season was clearly pointing to spring now, but I still felt like I was standing in the middle of a warm winter. The fullness that was boiling up from the bottom of my heart felt unfamiliar.
The faint chill that had been circling around my heart was gradually moving away.
“Oh, and keep in mind that Mr. Sirius hasn’t been forgiven yet. I’ll go down first. Come down a little later. Let’s grab a meal together sometime soon.”
I thought I would have to choose between hatred and indifference. But you gave me an even greater gift of tolerance. Not an enemy, not a stranger, but a colleague. Because of your decision, I became the happiest person in the world.
It’s not your misfortune…
Gyeoul briefly rested his hand on my shoulder and slowly moved towards the door. At the touch that contained so much meaning, tears finally fell. I bit my lip and rubbed my cheeks with the back of my hand.
‘Don’t cry, please.’
The paper cup in my hand was crumpled beyond recognition. I shouldn’t be sad that your attitude towards me wasn’t as heavy as before. Even this position is too much for me.
“Oh, right. I wanted to say this since earlier.”
“…”
“Yi-tae, the perfume suits you well. I guess I chose well.”
As he opened the doorknob, Gyeoul’s words scattered and disappeared. Me, who had finally held back my tears, and you, who were smiling beautifully, crossed paths as if they were diverging.