By Zephyria 
Victor’s words didn’t move me at all. He seemed only slightly annoyed at the way the collaborating company handled things. It was a trivial anger, incomparable to the well-resolved outcome.
He empathized with my situation as if I had been treated unfairly, but that was all.
I zipped up my jacket and slung my bag over my shoulder. It seemed best not to go to the after-work drinks today. If he was reacting like this, the others would surely spend the evening listing how much I had suffered, then get drunk and go home.
Learning from past mistakes, I had tried my best to get along with my colleagues, but if I lost my mind while drunk, I might hurl harsh words at them as soon as I heard any criticism of Winter.
I smiled dryly and raised my eyebrows at Victor, replying,
“Clients are always like that.”
If we had been on equal footing, as he said, his criticism would have been justified. I would have been angry at the capricious schedule and adjusted the deadline or offered other corresponding conditions. But I was just happy to be able to talk to you.
There was no greater reward than that. No one here knew what my heart sounded like when I received an email with your name on it in Korea.
The world collapsing, your misfortune becoming my joy, a pounding that felt like it would burst. My own precious secret.
“Then let’s have a drink together sometime. Keeping things bottled up isn’t good for your health. Especially your mental health.”
Victor tapped his shaggy hair with his index finger, then made a fist with that hand and thrust it towards me. In response to his concerned greeting, I naturally made a fist and bumped it against his. Warmth touched and was transmitted to the back of my hand.
“Yeah, let’s do that.”
“Belatedly, I’m saying this, but the cologne you changed to suits you well.”
As if nothing had happened, he adjusted his black horn-rimmed glasses and returned to his seat.
For a moment, I buried my nose in my wrist and inhaled the scent Winter had left behind. I was immersed in such ecstasy that my toes went numb. I covered the rough skin with my sleeve and lowered my hand.
I meticulously wiped the empty desk with a wet tissue. After confirming it was clean, I turned away without regret. Now, someone else would come and sit in that seat. Since there were no assigned seats, whoever sat there first was the owner.
The seat next to the large window with the sunshine streaming in was always popular. It was mine today, though.
As I left the office, I exchanged greetings with many people. Some congratulated me on the team’s performance, while others invited me to the evening party. These were things that had become routine for both them and me. Now, I could act intimately as if I had always been this way.
I parted ways with them, promising to meet again. The faint smile on my lips was no longer false, as it had been before.
I felt more comfortable than I had in Korea. The deep sea, where no waves reached, was only still.
Whether it was because of my proactive attitude in approaching them first or simply because the people here had kinder faces, I didn’t know the reason, but even if I left this place, I felt like I would love it for a very long time.
As if engraved on my soul.
I closed my eyes for a moment and felt the ambiance of New York, where a warm breeze was now blowing. Winter was always right. Perhaps Manhattan suited me better than Korea.
Here, I had never been sick except for my chronic illness. It was strangely so. Even the memories that had felt like I was going to die felt like lies. Even this sensation.
It was a 10-minute walk from the office to my apartment. It was a road always crowded with people. The rent was very expensive, but not to the point where I couldn’t afford it. At that price in the center, it was even considered cheap.
Standing in front of the familiar door, I took a breath while holding the doorknob. My heart was beating.
〈I hate you.〉
Winter’s voice seemed to be heard from inside. Thanks to his kind nature, even the level of criticism was shallow and calm. To only express hatred to the person who ruined his love.
Someone who is nothing and someone who is hated. Which of the two should I choose? I probably wouldn’t choose the former. I didn’t want to be forgotten by you.
Every time I went home, I had to endure it for a long time. It felt like you were standing there, looking at me and crying. I still didn’t know what I should have done back then so that Winter wouldn’t be hurt. Even now, and back then two years ago.
A spring breeze was blowing, but cherry blossoms were not scattered here.
From the moment you were hidden from my life, such things became a luxury. There was no room to fill a withered soul with romance. Winter misunderstood that I had gone on an outing with someone else, but I didn’t love cherry blossoms without Winter.
That was rather a terrible thing. The streets, crowded only with people and full of things that weren’t as pretty as Winter, only tightened my breath.
〈Yi-tae Hyung. Are the cherry blossoms pretty, or am I pretty? Answer quickly. I’ll give you three seconds.〉
〈Of course…….〉
〈Oh, is it me? I know your heart well.〉
〈That’s right. Because it’s yours.〉
Winter’s voice, filled with laughter, hid the sharp weeping. I could finally open the door and go home. Only after confirming that you weren’t here. Because I knew better than anyone that kind words couldn’t be real.
I couldn’t clean up the traces of where you had stayed, so things were scattered in mismatched places. I couldn’t even touch them, fearing that if I cleaned even this up, I would never be able to believe it.
A hammer on the bed and a water glass on the floor, a blanket scattered on the sofa. Plastic containers messily placed on the dining table and some spilled soy sauce.
On the table in the cold corner of the room were white boxes. I had left them as they were, without even opening them after buying them. Even a guilty conscience couldn’t overcome a moment’s impulse.
Winter’s cologne had changed. I could tell right away the moment I first saw you.
As I bought up the colognes you used to wear, I realized I wouldn’t be able to imagine you anymore. Because that’s no longer your trace. The realization came without form. Overwhelmed by that fact, I aimlessly wandered the shopping district one day.
If I found a cologne that was even slightly similar to yours, I bought it without hesitation, but I belatedly realized, after the sun had set and a deep darkness had settled, that nothing could be the same without the scent of your skin.
Several weeks had already passed since I had put the piled-up boxes on the desk, not knowing what to do with them. They were being neglected, neither thrown away nor opened.
In fact, I knew that the cause of that worthless act originated from me.
〈Don’t wear cologne… it gives me a headache.〉
As on any other day, I said those words to Winter, who had a bright face, as if scolding him.
In the morning, the Head of department had hit me in the head with the approval form, and I was so miserable that I held back my tears, and he had a terrible smell of women’s cologne on him. I knew I shouldn’t, but I took it out on you.
Taking out the worst words and holding them like weapons. Hoping that you would be hurt when stabbed.
The subtle scent that wafted from Winter’s neck was a cheap brand of cologne that he had given him for the first time after he became an adult, earning his own money.
I gave it to you thinking of you, hoping that you would think of me, but I coldly rejected it as I pleased.
If I had explained the events of that day in detail to him, Winter’s mood wouldn’t have deteriorated with just one word.
〈Okay, I will. But Yi-tae Hyung… if you’re having a hard time, don’t suffer alone, talk to me. Anything. We promised to do that.〉
I heard Winter’s voice, trailing off as if he had been pondering for a long time behind my back. That was the opportunity you gave me. I could have corrected the misunderstanding, my mistake, that day, for sure.
To you, who still held me in your arms, I only repeated words of blame. Affection lost in the deep darkness.
‘You have to understand because my mind is so driven that I can’t even think that something is wrong. You’re okay. You’re not as unhappy or tormented as I am.’
Because we’ve known each other for a long time. Because we know each other well… I carelessly passed by Winter, making pathetic excuses.
Ugly inferiority blinded my stupid eyes, and I willingly became your malice. Hoping that you would fall as much as I did…
I gasped for breath and coughed dryly, my throat parched. The harm I had taken back then became thorns and scratched my throat. It had been quite a long time since I had eaten anything properly, but I was still alive. I only lost weight, and there were no major problems with my health.
Like an obsession, I sprayed the blue cologne on the side table on my body. I had the illusion that the stench was being covered up. Only after the cologne scent filled the entire room could I breathe. No, I was suffocating. It was ecstatic.
Regaining my senses from the stinging pain, I picked up the bandage on the side table and wrapped it around my wrist. It would get better if I loosened it when the bleeding had roughly stopped. I couldn’t care less about things like tetanus.
While sitting blankly on the bed, I heard an alert sound from the laptop in my bag.
‘There’s no one who would send me anything?’
After finishing my hobby, I bent down and reached for the bag that I had thrown roughly on the floor. My stomach was queasy. It felt like something good was about to happen.