By Zephyria 
Gyeoul easily lifted the hammer. His hand, now lighter, lost its way and dropped it with a thud.
The horizontal iron mass didn’t look so threatening. Even if it were to crack my skull open, as long as it was in Gyeoul’s hand, it would continue to feel that way.
Yes, even if you end up killing me with it… A subtle sense of anticipation welled up. I had been hoping for it ever since I first heard those words.
I moved a little closer to him and knelt on the chilling floor. Despite the overlapping numbness, I maintained my posture rigidly. I didn’t want to show him any weakness that might elicit pity.
I lifted my tear-streaked face and dared to look up at you before closing my eyes.
I was truly relieved that no spotlights were shining. This quiet darkness would persist until sunrise, so no one would see us.
“Don’t feel guilty. This is what should have happened from the start.”
There was no movement, so I spoke first. I wanted to soothe his heart. If he didn’t feel capable of doing it, I was willing to overlap his hands and strike myself. I wasn’t afraid of that in the slightest. Not more than your heart aching.
Suddenly, I heard the sound of the bed rustling and then settling behind me. Soon, a short sigh filled with many meanings scattered.
Unable to understand, I raised my head again. The hammer was nowhere in your hands.
“How far are you going to drag me down? To where you are?”
“…Yeah. I did it so I could feel better.”
I answered silently, trying not to upset you as much as possible. If my emotions became even slightly agitated, you would obviously get angry.
My heart grew cold at Gyeoul’s sorrowful face. He must have already seen through my foolish intentions. That irresponsible wish to be forcibly forgiven, even like this.
I committed this act hoping that your anger would subside, but I didn’t consider that it would take effort from you. This level of cruelty was commonplace for me. But it didn’t suit you. I realized that belatedly.
Gyeoul inserted his fingers, where a cold energy still permeated, into my hair and gripped it tightly. He wasn’t pulling, but my hair lifted slightly. I swayed powerlessly in response to his touch.
I couldn’t find any warmth in your expression.
“You feel better when you act like this.”
“Yeah.”
As soon as the answer was finished, the strength in his hand increased. My hair, pulled as if it would be uprooted, fluttered and fell after barely a few seconds. Gyeoul’s hand hovered powerlessly in the air.
I couldn’t bear to look at his distorted face, so I lowered my head. The tears that had been welling up flowed as if they would pool on the floor. I thought I had stopped crying, but had they reflexively started flowing again? I really want to stop crying.
Gyeoul was too kind.
If I had discovered evidence of infidelity from you… I would have locked you up out of betrayal or followed you to remove the other person from your side.
Of course, I couldn’t have hit Gyeoul with my own hands, but I could have handcuffed him or taken his clothes to prevent him from going anywhere in a semi-naked state. Because I didn’t know how to make Gyeoul, who didn’t love me, love me again.
The more I tried, the more the relationship only worsened, like now.
‘How did you ever love me?’
It was a miracle.
The more I dug, the more pathetic I became. The gap between us was so large that I felt pathetic for being buried in inferiority. Between the sunny and shady places. Or, between winter and summer. Like two seasons that could never touch, we were growing further and further apart.
I roughly rubbed away the tears with the back of my hand. The more I did, the more blurred my vision became.
“If you wanted to be forgiven, you should have thought of another way. Instead of thinking about going to hell together. I have no intention of doing that with you.”
“…….”
“If you’re done crying, get me the gochujang. I want to go back now.”
“You. …You said, yesterday, that you wanted to hit me in the back of the head, you said. I, I didn’t want to be forgiven. I wanted to do something, anything, for you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…….”
I clung to him foolishly, like a child.
I could hear the sound of the me inside you breaking down. Without realizing it, I hugged Gyeoul from behind, who was trying to get away. The stench of my rotting self grew more and more intense. The white pus that had begun to flow soaked the floor.
I just wanted to give you everything…….
Now there was no way to stop it. My thighs and face collided hard. I hugged you with as much strength as I could muster.
I didn’t want to be hated any more here.
Even in the ruins, greed remained. My body trembled finely. I wanted to pretend that I was still drunk and erase this dawn from his memory. A vague regret gradually choked my throat.
I had disappointed Gyeoul again.
He grabbed my hand with a very weak force and pulled it down. Separated from you, I could only cry loudly like a lost cicada.
“We’re too harmful to each other.”
Your small voice pierced my heart.
∗ ∗ ∗
I didn’t remember how I got back. There were still two more days left in my schedule in New York, but the big city felt overwhelming.
Michael was fast asleep, not even hearing me come in. It was only after I came into the warm room that I realized I had left my coat at his house. That’s why my body felt so cold.
My head was blank. My thoughts were stuck somewhere and showed no signs of flowing. The blood vessels in my head were throbbing like someone’s heart placed on my hand.
“……You son of a bitch.”
The conversation that started with the intention of resolving things nicely spiraled into chaos. Kwon Yi-tae, whose right and wrong had completely collapsed, was unfamiliar. The Kwon Yi-tae I knew was no longer there. Pure and foolish, so he was cute……. That’s why I fell in love.
My heart ached. The reason I could be so nonchalant was because I didn’t cry. If I cried, I would have no choice but to acknowledge reality. If I gathered the wounds in one place and covered them with a thin plate, it would be as if it never happened.
Even if there was a commotion below, I could just step on it and ignore it. It was enough for me, standing on top, to make a louder noise. If I danced and sang, my gaze wouldn’t be directed downwards.
The further away I was, the easier it was to endure, and the more I ignored it, the less it hurt. That’s how I ended up like this.
Who wouldn’t be hurt by the betrayal of someone they had known for 14 years, even someone they had been in love with for 7 years? I felt wronged, scared, and furious to the point of madness. That’s why I pretended to be even more okay. Because it felt like I really was okay if I did that.
Laughing, colliding, collapsing, laughing… and breaking again.
I lifted the neatly arranged blanket and shoved my body inside. My whole body ached as if I had been beaten. I buried my face in the soft pillow and gasped for breath. You son of a bitch, you fucking bastard. How did I carry you?
I wish it had been a dream.
Should I have just cracked his head open? If we fell to the bottom together, maybe we could have openly shared everything. Is wandering through hell while dwelling on the past that has already passed and cannot be undone really the only way we can do it?
You might scold me for being foolish and gullible, but… I wanted to remain friends with Kwon Yi-tae, who I occasionally heard from in a strange foreign country. Burying all the past pain. Because I knew that if I dug up even a little bit, we couldn’t be friends. I was in too much pain, and he.
Yi-tae only hesitated and ran away.
But in the end, I was the one who exploded first. The levee, built like a poorly constructed time bomb, finally collapsed under the weight. As a result, I was only swayed by emotions.
I should have waited for the emotions that had turned to ashes to dissipate.
‘It hurts…….’
It hurt so much and was so cold that I hugged my whole body and exhaled a cold breath. I was trembling. I was cold. An old chill was slowly rising. It felt like it was seeping into my bones and freezing me. But my insides were so hot.
I won’t be able to go anywhere tomorrow.
Like back then, a fever was slowly coming. Why doesn’t the pain become dull? I’ve experienced it this much, so I should be getting used to it by now.
‘It hurts too much.’
I rubbed my feet against the blanket. The soft blanket felt like sharp sand. I buried my face even deeper and ignored the sound of the blanket brushing against me. Why does it hurt more now than it did back then? No matter how much I tried to control my body, the pain wouldn’t go away. As if I had a terrible disease.
So this is what it’s like to belatedly experience the things you should have suffered back then. The pillow was getting wet with something I didn’t know whether it was sweat or tears. I closed my eyes, hoping it was sweat.
〈I’m tired…….〉
I would probably have a long nightmare again today.