By Zephyria The silence was heavier than dawn, tempting one to fall.
I felt as though I had been drenched in cold rainwater, and I realized the truth. The reason I had mistaken the absence of Choi Gyeoul’s affection for love was that I had never truly looked into his eyes.
If I had faced the flickering emotions like a faint candlelight, I never could have.
My encounter with Gyeoul was so surreal that I accepted him only as I wished. I even hoped to remain friends after carving up his heart and leaving indelible scars. What a crazy bastard.
Even in the dark dawn, Gyeoul’s eyes sparkled, reflecting the starlight pouring from the sky outside the window. It was in stark contrast to his weary face.
“I’ve been thinking while you were unconscious.”
Gyeoul said, still holding the water glass he hadn’t given me. His fingers traced the cold surface of the glass, rubbing it. The movement was incessant, as if revealing what was on his mind.
“…Yeah.”
I couldn’t help but say something, anything.
Then his hand stopped. His lips moved.
“Stagnant water rots.”
The conversation veered off in a completely different direction.
The topic was sudden, but not unfamiliar. It was a sentence I had repeated to myself hundreds of times a day.
Back then, I didn’t even know that rotting could hurt. Everyone has their own pit like that, so it wasn’t anything special.
What kind of emotions are stagnating within me that they rot away? It’s just emotions, after all.
My clenched fist on my knee was trembling slightly.
It definitely hurt. But because other places hurt more, I covered up the problem by ignoring it. The conclusion I reached without finding an answer was that if it was going to rot anyway, I should bury it deeper so it wouldn’t stink.
But I didn’t consider that it could fester more and more over time. Just being alive was burden enough.
Honestly, I couldn’t even guarantee that I would be alive until it rotted further.
I thought it would be okay if only I was having a hard time. After everything was over, Gyeoul even seemed somewhat relieved, and it seemed like he had even digested the emotion of hatred. If you were okay, it didn’t matter if I decayed.
But what if I was wrong?
As I was pondering what to say, Gyeoul continued.
“I hate you.”
There was still no resentment in his voice. No, Gyeoul had been like that from the beginning.
Even when he cut ties with his parents because of me, even when he lost love and was betrayed. Gyeoul was always composed. As if he could only endure. Why did I ignore that, even though I knew it?
You are…
A round stain formed on the blanket. One drop, two drops. The rain falling like a localized downpour soaked one spot. It took me a while to realize that the inexplicable raindrops were my tears.
I would have realized it later if the sensation of tears running down my cheek and gathering at the tip of my nose hadn’t felt so unfamiliar.
“…I’m sorry.”
I selfishly thrust another apology at you, who said you didn’t want to forgive me. Hoping it would be thrown away. Even this was a selfish act. I passed it on to you to make myself feel better. Now it’s your turn.
“I didn’t know until we met again. I underestimated time. They say time heals all wounds. Actually, I could have hated you as much as I wanted back then, but I was too driven to the edge to even do that. I should have.”
Gyeoul said self-deprecatingly.
Even when we broke up, I was so caught up in my own emotions that I didn’t see you. I had the foolish delusion that I could catch you when I saw you saying goodbye a little lightly, rather than realizing how deeply that situation had scarred you.
The main characters in dramas always had a happy ending. Dopamine or stimulation, it was all part of the process of solving problems, and they always pointed to the right answer.
The drama I compared to when Gyeoul and I broke up also reunited in the end. Viewers were so angry at that hollow ending that they sent death threats to the writer.
How did Gyeoul see it? Knowing his personality, he would have watched it to the end. He was patient enough to endure even boring things like me.
A sob leaked out and reaching you was more terrible than hell. I bit my lip and held my breath to stop it, no matter how much it bled. My back heaved.
I swallowed several times with a throat that was cracking and trembling before I could barely speak.
“Is it too late now?”
“Yes, very.”
“……”
“When I saw you again, I was just happy… But the emotions I didn’t want to face overflowed and made me miserable.”
It was Gyeoul’s confession.
The inflammation festered, and the smell clung to the surface. It was a very musty and pungent scent. The fact that you were rotting because of me felt frightening even in a foreign country where there were only unfamiliar faces.
The hope that things could be different if everything started anew crumbled and fell.
We were stagnant in that moment. In that place where I should have properly apologized to you and you should have unleashed your anger on me. That’s why it turned out like this. Beyond help.
“If I disappear… will you be okay?”
“No.”
Gyeoul smiled faintly.
The answer was quick. I realized in the hazy vision that we had never had a proper conversation like this. It was like being in a fog, I couldn’t see anything.
Fear tightened its grip. The dawn amplified and immersed me in so much. The sound of my faint panting was getting louder. You must have noticed that I was crying now.
“What, can I, do?”
I could die if you told me to, I could let you hit me if you wanted to hit my head. If it was something I could do, I was confident I could do anything.
“First, look up. I thought your conversation partner had become the blanket.”
His tone was subtly mixed with laughter.
The reason he was speaking indirectly was because the emotions that were boiling up were direct. His emotions were so upright and great that he couldn’t convey them as they were. I’m the one who did wrong.
Knowing that also meant there were many things to ignore. So when you acted like that, I tried to do more of what you wanted…
I lifted my face. Thanks to that, tears fell in a stream. I blinked quickly. I could see you with a clearer vision. It was still terrible to show you my crying face, but it was bearable.
Gyeoul, who I thought was smiling, was just staring blankly at me. The rotten smell gradually widened the distance, filling the space. Once the hole in the dam started to burst, it would only widen no matter how much you tried to block it.
It was as if he was crying. It was a clear illusion.
“There’s a hammer in the second drawer.”
With what heart did I love and hate you in the past?
At first, it was a strong attraction. As time passed, the excitement turned into comfort, and finally, it became discolored with inferiority. If love really existed for me, the name tag would have ‘Choi Gyeoul’ written on it.
Gyeoul’s face was filled with bewilderment. I could see the water sloshing in the cup he was holding, as if he was uncomfortable. He could just give it to me. Even this was Gyeoul’s kindness. He must have thought he couldn’t give it to me yet because I was crying.
“Why are you telling me that?”
“Hit me as much as you hate me. It won’t solve everything, but.”
My lower lip parted. It fell lower and lower. Even in the dark, I couldn’t take my eyes off the red tongue visible between his lips. This was how hopeless I was.
“Your head?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you do something that wrong?”
“……Yeah.”
I took the cup from Gyeoul’s hand. My insides were collapsing, and I couldn’t swallow anything, but I forced it down. I felt a chill as my internal organs twisted. Every part of me that the water touched tingled.
I put the completely empty cup on the bedside table. Now your hand looked comfortable. I should have done this from the beginning. Why do I only realize it after tormenting you for so long?
I’m always late.
“Then give it to me for now.”
Gyeoul, who had been repeating the action of clenching and unclenching his empty hand, suddenly said. He staggered as he stood up from kneeling, but he managed to walk to the drawer. It wasn’t many steps, so he arrived quickly, but it felt very long.
Even without taking a step, a numb sensation slowly rose from my toes, up my instep, and to my calves. I welcomed the pain. How delightful would it be if you hurt me?
I took out the new hammer that I had bought a few days ago. I turned and handed it to Gyeoul, who was just staring at me silently. He just looked at me without moving.
“I’m sorry.”
For making you go through this.
I swallowed the unspoken words and confessed my fault once more. Gyeoul’s hand came closer to mine.