By Zephyria “He’s a good person.”
It was a confident declaration. There was not a hint of wavering in the conclusion he voiced. Gyeoul’s gaze was directed at the empty air, as if recalling someone far away. I was not in that thought.
‘Then what about me?’
I lost the sleeve I was barely holding onto. This was both voluntary and involuntary.
My petty heart, even considering its circumstances, failed to ripen and instead withered and fell. I couldn’t recklessly judge misfortune, but this too was an inevitable happiness I had to bear. I wasn’t unhappy in the slightest. So it was okay, everything.
The sun had set long ago. The world was still bright, but gradually turning red. The song of the branches jostling in the bleak wind sounded sorrowful.
I should part ways with Gyeoul and return to the company. Returning to the empty apartment in this state would only make me feel more disturbed. I put my hand in my pocket and fiddled with the coldly cooled phone. The screen, where notifications were dormant, vibrated and lit up with a light touch.
“Now, we…….”
Wait a minute. Can I be the one to suggest breaking up first?
It didn’t seem like something I was allowed to do, so I abruptly shut my mouth mid-sentence. I didn’t want to upset him. I should be turning my belly up and acting cute in front of you, begging to be loved, but I’m overstepping my bounds.
Since some time ago, Gyeoul had been lowering his gaze and persistently scrutinizing me. I barely managed to hold onto my swaying vision and focused on my scarf. If I didn’t face him head-on, he wouldn’t notice. He was clearly testing my emotions.
How much I could endure. Or how well I could hide it.
He would push me into a pit, then readily extend a hand of salvation. So I had no choice but to grab that hand. That was my destiny for the rest of my life. Even if it wasn’t given, I had to endure.
“Keep talking.”
His cool voice reached me.
“I was just wondering what you’re going to do…….”
I barely managed to deflect the words. If I had blurted out the sentence as it was, Gyeoul would have been very angry. Even now, there was anger in his low voice. It was all my fault.
“Ah, I mistakenly thought you wanted to break up with me on your own. I thought you had forgotten again that you promised to give me today. You forget things easily.”
Sharp blades were embedded in his words, aiming precisely at me. Do you know that the more you try to hurt me, the more welcome it is? Because you were the one person who was allowed to do that to me. I had harmed you with my misguided love, so it was a fitting punishment.
Being in pain was proof that I was alive and breathing.
The road back was too long to cry over something like this. But that didn’t mean I didn’t know pain. Even knowing it hurt, I wanted to crawl to you. Because that pain was so comforting.
I bent my body slightly downward and barely hid my face, which had collapsed with tearing pain. I was breathless, but I endured the tightening of my lungs. Even in the midst of this, what worried me was your kind heart being hurt while trying to undo my mistakes.
‘I’m making you suffer.’
I realized that the coincidences I had dreamed of until now had created this worst-case scenario. Did I really not know? Even if my heart was at ease, your soul was constantly being gnawed at. Because I made you recall trashy memories.
I had to disappear from Gyeoul’s sight. Before I further damaged myself with the terrible past caused by me.
“Yi-tae, now we’re going shopping.”
He spoke kindly, as if explaining to a child.
Just like I used to do, Gyeoul grabbed my sleeve and moved first. I followed him like a doll who had lost its reason. The metal embedded in my heart was gradually splitting the area, becoming more and more sharp.
“…….”
“As you just heard, I need to buy some gifts. You’ll help me choose, right?”
As if he had never been angry, the corners of Gyeoul’s lips formed an arc. But there wasn’t a hint of warm laughter in his sun-like eyes.
∗ ∗ ∗
Fifth Avenue in New York was filled with people adorned in luxury brands, regardless of the day of the week. The ease evident in their expressions was different from the hurriedness of the tourist spots I had visited so far. People came and went with the tinkling of bells.
The paper bags in their hands were filled with expensive luxury goods worth tens of millions of won. But there was no sign of excitement. Luxury was a daily occurrence here.
I walked two steps behind Gyeoul. If he slowed down to look at the shop windows, I would slow my pace accordingly, and if he walked quickly as if bored, I would widen my stride.
I engraved in my mind the fact that there always had to be this much distance between us. So that I would never forget again. All that was allowed to me was the sight of your back, out of reach.
And yet…….
“Is he a very, grateful person?”
Aren’t the things here too expensive to give as gifts?
Even a handkerchief the size of my palm easily exceeded 1 million won, with only high-priced items lined up. In particular, only new or classic lines that didn’t lose their value were being sold. Was there a need to choose a gift in a place like this?
Gyeoul had liked giving gifts since he was young. It was common for him to give a lot to people within his sphere and enjoy their reactions. It was based on the belief that happiness should be shared.
Of course, the price of the items couldn’t compare to his loving heart, but he always chose gifts that wouldn’t burden the other person. The only time he had ever paid a significantly higher amount was when giving gifts to a lover. I was the only grateful recipient.
Those items were still in the box that I had lugged all the way to America. There were many that I hadn’t even used. They were precious, and I cherished them. Gyeoul often expressed his disappointment, but each time, I would give him what he wanted.
Of course, I could never take them out again now.
“Yeah. A lot.”
There was no further explanation. He simply answered nonchalantly, lightly scanning the clean, large glass window with his eyes. It seemed like he was looking for a specific product. As if he already had something in mind.
My stomach churned. I felt like I was belatedly getting seasick, with my internal organs twisting.
I had to get out of here immediately. This place felt like a vast ocean. A sense of helplessness washed over me. The fervent atmosphere felt uncomfortable.
I could vaguely guess the source of the emotions I was feeling now, but I tried to ignore them. Self-loathing slowly dragged me into a swamp from my toes. I wanted to die.
I mustered as much strength as I could and barely spoke to you.
“……Do you have something in mind?”
“Maybe.”
Only lackluster responses came back one after another. From his subtly indifferent attitude, I could feel that he wasn’t paying attention to me. My fingertips tingled.
Gyeoul, who had stopped in front of a luxury brand store with a moderately high-end brand engraved on it, pushed the revolving door and went inside alone. Because I was far away, I moved late and couldn’t enter the same compartment. I was able to get in only after it had turned counterclockwise twice.
“Welcome.”
A courteous greeting echoed and greeted me. Gyeoul was already mixed in the distance, with only his brown hair sticking out.
Among the relaxed people around me, a curly-haired boy stood out in particular. In fact, he had a physique closer to that of a man, but his refreshing atmosphere made him look younger. He was also beautiful enough to attract attention.
The biggest reason he caught my eye was because Gyeoul was heading towards him. It was as if the gift he wanted to buy was near him, and he walked directly to where he was standing.
Unlike Gyeoul’s fast pace, my speed was significantly slower. I didn’t want to see what he was buying. Because I would try to guess his feelings based on the price. Even though I was no longer anything to Gyeoul. How dare I.
Suddenly, the boy grabbed Gyeoul’s wrist as if surprised.
My body unconsciously ran towards him. Gyeoul didn’t shake off his hand. He simply left it alone, as he had done with me. A pervert with only a good build was desperately hitting on him.
“……I don’t know how lonely I was.”
“So you were here for five hours?”
“Yeah. Did you come to buy Ian something?”
The friendly conversation reached my ears just as I was about to separate the two. My vision shook. A bewildered feeling suddenly surged up.
I hadn’t seen him properly that day because he was hidden by Gyeoul, but he was a familiar face. He was the man who had been in a scene from that tragic night.
I straightened my body, pretending not to notice. I barely swallowed my rough breathing. I had to act like nothing was wrong.
The man, who seemed quite surprised by my appearance, stared at me intently. He pulled Gyeoul to his side as if looking at a pervert. I realized only now that he was about a hand taller than Gyeoul.
“……Who are you?”
The boy asked.