By Zephyria 〈I regret giving birth to you.〉
〈……Even if you regret it, you can’t take it back.〉
〈Then die! Just die! In the end, you can’t hide the dirty blood you inherited from your Grandfather. Two men drooling and acting like perverts in the middle of the street where everyone walks! Disgusting and repulsive! Please, just die!〉
The woman screamed as if in a frenzy. Then, she punched Choi Gyeoul in the chest and started crying. As if she really wanted to kill him. Even amidst the violence pouring down on him, Gyeoul said what he had to say. Though he kept his lips tightly shut at the words telling him to die.
〈…….〉
〈The bloodline of that prestigious Choi family is all dirty, repulsive, and creepy! I struggled, looking only at you…… and this is my reward? Is this all I get?〉
〈……It’s not me, it’s probably because of the enormous wealth of the Choi family you hate so much. The land and buildings Grandfather has. I don’t know if Mom will be able to get any of it, though.〉
Choi Gyeoul retorted, pretending to be nonchalant. Enduring the accusations raining down on him with difficulty. But the hand still holding my wrist continued to tremble, constantly, subtly.
The trembling only increased as the level of accusation rose. To the point where it was uncontrollable. I wanted to hold that hand, but I didn’t want to twist my wrist and pull it out of Gyeoul’s hand either.
A sense of utter powerlessness washed over me. I didn’t have the confidence to fight back on Gyeoul’s behalf, nor the confidence to take the abuse for him. I could only blame myself for standing next to Gyeoul and begging him to kiss me here. I was too weak to stand against the merciless accusations of an adult.
The level of abuse she spewed was completely different from the usual parental admonishment. It wasn’t criticism to guide him in the right direction, but…… it was like an Evil spirit desperately trying to hurt her son. It was palpable that she wanted Gyeoul to die because of her words.
〈I wish you would just die. Disappear without a trace. As if you were never born into this world. As if I never gave birth to you! Stop tarnishing my reputation. Yes, that would be better! You can repay the grudge I have for not killing your father. How much have I poured into you!〉
The woman, who had been screaming in a frenzy, suddenly stopped talking and stared blankly at Gyeoul. Like a madwoman. All emotions extinguished at once.
〈Since I gave birth to you, it’s right that I take you back with my own hands. With that rotten brain of yours, what else could you be but a beggar? Leave the house right now and die before you humiliate me any further. Or should I kill you myself?〉
〈…….〉
〈I always told you. I shouldn’t have given birth to someone like you! You’re the one who’s been holding me back! If it weren’t for you, if you hadn’t been born then! I should have had an abortion, even if I had to force it. If I had, I wouldn’t be seeing this disgusting sight and I would have divorced your father and lived well. It would have been better if you had just died back then. If you had died…….〉
His birth mother was making remarks that were far beyond the pale. Her hand was gradually tightening. There was no way Gyeoul wasn’t hurt. This was violence. Violence wielded by a so-called mother, telling him to die. Gyeoul was enduring all the violence in front of her. Without even realizing he was being hurt.
Once again, Gyeoul’s body temperature deeply approached my wrist. I seemed to have taken a step forward without realizing it. Gyeoul responded to the woman’s increasingly quiet voice.
〈Are you done?〉
His voice was so calm that it felt like nothing had happened. Then the woman’s face turned even more blue. Gyeoul slowly stroked my wrist as if trying to calm my anger. Even though Gyeoul wasn’t crying, he looked like he was about to cry.
The woman’s shrill scream sharply pierced my eardrums.
〈You, is that how I raised you!〉
〈If you had, I would have already crossed the river. It’s a really fortunate thing. That Mom didn’t raise me properly. That’s why I can be alive like this.〉
〈……Choi Gyeoul!〉
〈You’ve really suffered a lot pretending to raise me all this time. Thanks to you, I grew up so well, like this. I even tarnished Mom’s reputation.〉
He bowed deeply. Gyeoul’s hair fell forward. The woman’s face right in front of him was clearly visible. The moment her expression, which had not felt any remorse even after inflicting violence on her own child, completely distorted.
The woman stared at Gyeoul without breathing. Gyeoul raised his body and faced his silent mother again.
〈Although legally you’re my birth mother, I’ll make sure we never contact each other again. I might stop by to pick up my things once, but what’s the big deal. You’ll be at that man’s house anyway.〉
〈…….〉
〈You didn’t think I wouldn’t know, did you?〉
〈…….〉
Gyeoul turned away, leaving the woman frozen and unable to say a word. He took a step and stopped abruptly. And he said quietly.
〈And Dad knows too. It’s already too late, madam.〉
The woman didn’t hold Gyeoul back, and Gyeoul didn’t look back again either. However, I could guess his feelings from the damp sweat on my wrist. Gyeoul had barely endured it by pouring out everything he had.
That’s how Gyeoul completely cut ties with his birth mother. It was a terrible result caused by my immature request.
∗ ∗ ∗
Gyeoul stayed at a friend’s house for a few days and looked for a new place to live. It was someone I knew well too. I wanted to bring him to our house, but Gyeoul flatly refused. He said he had already shown me an ugly side of himself and didn’t want to show me any more.
〈I don’t want you to go through something like this. Of course, it won’t be like our house.〉
At that time, Gyeoul was always smiling. Like someone who hadn’t suffered anything at all. He smiled and went on dates with me, and still secretly kissed me. As if it hadn’t left a trauma.
But seeing his occasionally trembling lips or eyelids that couldn’t fully close, I realized that he was hurt. Even though I knew, I couldn’t stop him because of my own greed. I just hugged him tightly.
As a little more time passed, Gyeoul acted as if no accusations had been directed at him. Rather, I, who had heard them together, was crushed by the accusations and had nightmares. His birth mother’s voice thundered and caused hyperventilation. My face darkened due to insomnia. It was a clear sense of guilt.
Gyeoul always greeted me with the same face. So I almost mistook that Gyeoul was really okay.
If I hadn’t seen that broken face.
Gyeoul quickly found a new house and a part-time job. He said he was working as a server at a chicken restaurant. I went to pick him up every day as he worked late.
I squatted in the alley next to the store and waited for Gyeoul to finish closing up. A large group of drunk people came out. I could hear them giggling and swearing.
〈You motherfucking bastard, you talk too much! Shee-bal. That’s why you’re a fucking idiot!〉
〈You’re full of shit, you bastard. I heard your mom went to the hospital because she didn’t want to give birth to you, but she failed?〉
〈You son of a bitch!〉
They threw such vulgar insults at each other without a care, and laughed as if they were having fun. Is this what they call birds of a feather flock together?
But even that was someone else’s business. I blankly turned my head towards the door, and I saw Gyeoul standing there. Holding cleaning tools in both hands.
Gyeoul seemed to close his eyes and take a deep breath. His sternum rose upwards. In the midst of the loud noise, his tightly closed lips, his tightly closed eyes, and his trembling hands were imprinted in my heart. And the suppressed scream that he couldn’t bring himself to utter.
……There was no way you could have been okay, but I guess I wanted you to be okay anyway. Even though I, who wasn’t the person involved, couldn’t escape it.
He was like that for a long time. Perhaps because of his breathing not improving, he slammed his forehead against the wall. Then, at the sound of a customer calling for a part-time worker, he opened his eyes and hurriedly turned around.
In that fleeting moment, the emptiness in Gyeoul’s eyes clearly came into view. How could I ever forget that deep sense of depression that I encountered for the first time in Gyeoul, who had always been shining?
Eyes that had lost their light and seemed to have died.
I stood alone on a world that had stopped, not even knowing that time was passing. Until Gyeoul turned off the lights in the store and locked the door and came out.
Gyeoul looked around as if searching for me, then ran towards me with the bright smile he always showed. The world brightened at that moment. The long shadow cast behind him was completely hidden.
He must have been tired from working part-time until late, but Gyeoul didn’t show any signs of it at all. Not even one. I was completely fooled by your acting.
I could now vaguely feel what I had taken away from Gyeoul, its size and weight.
Only after Gyeoul smiled at me. Only now, after having seen only his bright side, now that I have faced his dark side, could I know. The sandcastle was swept away by the waves and collapsed. It was so broken that it could never return to its former state.
I see. I completely destroyed a part of your world.
I will never be able to see the sunshine in you that I loved again. Because an indelible scar remains in Gyeoul’s deepest soul.