By Zephyria 
Woo Young-geol didn’t avoid my gaze at all. He continued speaking while staring at me.
“Because I’m gay, that disgusting thing… you gave birth to me. So, I just didn’t want to, didn’t want to live anymore… So, I just died.”
“…….”
“Haha… He hanged himself at home, and his eyes… Ah… My dad was gay. Not bi, gay. But he got married and had me… How did he have me? Why, why did he have me? He was going to die with the person he loved so much anyway… Leaving only Mom and me behind, so irresponsibly.”
He seemed completely insane.
But his eyes didn’t lose their vitality, sparkling as they glared directly at me. I couldn’t say anything. It felt like I’d been hit in the head with a blunt object, and my vision was spinning. Was it because the ceiling lights were too bright? They were so dazzling that I ended up closing my eyes again. It stung like I’d dipped my fingertips in ice-cold seawater.
Why does Young-geol confront me, surrounded by things I can’t bear? As if he’s trying to steal my breath. My breathing became subtly rapid. I wanted to run away from this place immediately. I could tell for sure. Woo Young-geol was resenting and cursing me. With the stigma of being irresponsible.
“It was written in the will… The shock of that day, and so… sentences like a curse that he would die. It’s all, all because of you…”
I swallowed. My throat hurt. He collapsed to the floor as if breaking down. His mother was still looking down at us. She cursed his life until the very end and left. Even leaving a will. What kind of state of mind would make that possible? How much did she hate him to leave such an indelible scar on her own child?
A scene flashed in my mind. I felt the decision that had bound my life repeating itself again. Like a wheel of fate. It felt like a terrible nightmare was beginning. My hands trembled.
“…I want to die too, Hyung.”
It was like a sentence being passed.
∗ ∗ ∗
Woo Young-geol didn’t come to work. It was an unauthorized absence.
“Kwon Yi-tae! You bastard! You manage your Hubae like this? And on the day the director came, of all days? I knew it from the moment those pathetic bastards came into our department. You fucking bastard, you’re just a jinx. Huh? Did your mother eat seaweed soup after giving birth to you? Don’t you know what I mean? You’re bad luck. Don’t hang around in front of me, go get that bastard back here now!”
A pile of papers rained down on my head like feathers. These were things that should be reported to the Human Rights Commission, but people just chose to endure it. Because reporting him would be the same as not being able to find a foothold in similar industries anymore.
A bad feeling crept up my ankles.
Of all days, the director visited our floor today, and of all days, he noticed that Woo Young-geol’s seat had been empty for a long time, and of all days, the director had a grudge against the Head of department. And it was all blamed on me. For not managing my Hubae properly.
“…I’m sorry.”
I bowed my head and ran out as if escaping. My stomach hurt like it was tearing apart. My ears felt muffled, like I couldn’t hear well. My clenched gums felt numb and cold. There was a pile of work waiting for me, but I grabbed my car keys and left the company. In the end, I was definitely working overtime again today.
I stopped the car in front of the familiar villa, having visited it many times. Out of a meager sense of guilt, I went to see him whenever he cried that he wanted to die. Woo Young-geol really seemed like he would just die, and I wasn’t confident that I could endure that.
It was so… ominous.
Young-geol didn’t answer no matter how many times I called. This had never happened before.
It was strange. Young-geol had never not answered my calls before. He would have told me if something happened, but he never disappeared.
I jumped out of my seat and ran. I felt like I couldn’t shake off this uneasy feeling without checking. Young-geol’s apartment was number 404. Even the number felt ominous. Young-geol was like the personification of misfortune. A chilling omen stretched out long like a shadow.
I bounded up the stairs three steps at a time. I was breathless. I gasped for air, lacking oxygen in my lungs, and then abruptly held my breath. Even though it wasn’t a long distance, it felt so far.
I finally reached the door, catching my breath over and over again. I didn’t want to open it. It was like Pandora’s box. I didn’t want to take any responsibility for Woo Young-geol, but I couldn’t just watch the overflowing anxiety.
I hesitated like that for a long time, then pressed the doorbell firmly. Once, twice… The speed of pressing became more and more urgent. I remembered the misfortune that I saw when I was with Young-geol. For example, finding a cat carcass, or all the related numbers being made up of 4s, or crows appearing frequently.
No matter how long I waited, there was no answer, no voice.
“…Assistant Manager Woo.”
I called him softly. Anxiety rose and splashed around my ankles. Young-geol had been crying a lot lately that he wanted to die, but I didn’t think he really had the courage to die. Young-geol’s wick was very fragile, and dying required a lot of determination.
But now… I pressed the password that he had told me but I had never pressed before. Beep beep. The door opened easily. As if it was allowed to me. I took a breath and opened the door.
Please, I wish it wasn’t there.
There was no sound. It was as quiet as a mouse. Yes, it felt so cold and like nothing existed that the expression “really dead” seemed fitting. I barely squeezed my feet into a very quiet space with no signs of life or noise.
“…Is anyone here?”
I muttered to myself to calm my racing heart. Maybe something really urgent had happened and he had gone somewhere else. Or maybe he was sick and went to the hospital.
I thought that might be possible since he hadn’t been cremated long ago. Before I knew it, a sigh of relief escaped me.
Thoughts to soothe myself continued endlessly. Gyeoul didn’t like the cold floor. He probably would have complained if he had come to a place like this.
“…Woo Young-geol?”
I called his name just in case. But there was still no answer.
Is it okay to enter someone’s house like this without permission? I looked around awkwardly. Suddenly, I thought I should call him and took out my phone.
As I turned to leave, I faintly heard a phone ringing from the tightly closed room.
Why is it that ominous premonitions never fail?
I stood still and just turned my head to look. It was definitely there. I didn’t want to check. I just wanted to go out like this and pretend I didn’t know. The moment I confirmed that, it was clear that I would have some responsibility.
I have to run away. I have to get out of here. My head was full of that thought.
But I couldn’t.
I hurriedly moved my feet and threw the door open. What I saw in front of me was red and white. Quiet and still unfamiliar. So…
I stood there bewildered at the sight, then suddenly came to my senses and ran to Young-geol.
It seemed to herald the beginning of a tragedy.
The aftereffects were too severe. I didn’t remember what state of mind I was in when I called the ambulance, returned to the company, left work, and went home. I didn’t want to show Gyeoul even a hint that such a thing had happened, so I acted like nothing was wrong.
When I compared myself to Gyeoul now, I kept feeling pathetic. I wasn’t as perfect as him at work or in relationships. That was… very embarrassing.
There was no one else to be Young-geol’s guardian anymore. I couldn’t coldly turn away from him as he barely woke up in the hospital and screamed at me, crying. It’s not like it wasn’t my responsibility. Even if I was just a superior giving him advice.
“…Just… just let me die! There’s no one… no one who will love me…”
At least I didn’t have the ability to ignore someone who said they wanted to die. I didn’t have the heart to wish for death, no matter how much I disliked the other person.
But that didn’t mean I could love him. People’s hearts don’t work the way they want them to, and I had no intention of doing so at all. All I could do was make sure he didn’t take his own life again.
As I watched Young-geol scream in a fit, I kept thinking. How did Gyeoul, who was similarly abandoned by his mother, overcome this despair? Woo Young-geol had collapsed like this. The past self who was so helpless by Gyeoul’s side lingered in my mind.
“…Do you still need me?”
My fingertips tingled. I took a deep breath. My heart beat slowly.