By Zephyria 
The misery of that day lingered, evoking all the memories. As if I had returned to that day. Choi Gyeoul, shyly blushing, Kim Seung-yeon, flaunting his favorite clothes at university, and beside him, just… Kwon Yi-tae, a friend.
I knew clearly that the opportunity would never come. I had no expectation of a relationship with Gyeoul, but even so. My heart, which had never hoped, fell further, further down. I thought there was nowhere else to fall, that it was the bare ground, but perhaps even that wasn’t the end.
The shock came in an instant, bringing tears to my eyes.
“…Was it good?”
“Yeah. I thought my heart was going to explode. I wondered if it was okay to feel this way…”
Gyeoul, his ears bright red, whispered quietly. He kept clenching and unclenching his hands, saying his heart was still pounding.
The scratch marks on the nape of his neck, where he was carefully adjusting his clothes to keep his outer garment from slipping, the couple’s hat he wore to hide his disheveled hair, the warm smile that constantly played on his lips. All of it kept crashing over me like waves, swallowing me whole.
That misery and sorrow washed over me, over my head, who could never be more than a friend to Gyeoul.
The vivid memory of that day came back to me. Several times after that, no, dozens of times, I came to know. Kim Seung-yeon, Lee Ha-yeon, Seong Eun-ju, and… I couldn’t help but remember each and every one of those names. Because I was always there beside Gyeoul as his best friend.
You could call it gloomy. Back then, it was all good. I thought I could endure it. Because I could watch over you from the seat next to you, so it was okay to be in pain. It was bearable. I was satisfied with just that.
But now I know. I couldn’t be satisfied. I can’t be satisfied with any position other than Gyeoul’s lover.
What if you’ve already gone to someone else?
Gyeoul, my Gyeoul…
Now I can’t even be just friends. No, I couldn’t stay as a friend any longer. The title of ‘best friend’ that I had back then only ended up hurting me.
He never looked back after a breakup. That’s how all his relationships had been. He poured out his whole heart, so he didn’t have the courage to give that heart again. He didn’t know how to refill what he had already used up. Every time he broke up, Gyeoul didn’t even grieve while drinking. Whether he dumped them first or was dumped by them.
And every time, I was always his drinking buddy for breakups.
“Yi-tae, I’m so glad you’re by my side. Please stay with me in the future. Don’t betray me and stick close. Got it?”
Why… did I take it for granted, that Gyeoul would always give me his whole heart?
He was someone who could flow away without any regrets at any time. Depending on Gyeoul’s heart. Even if you tried to hold on, you couldn’t, and a heart that had left wouldn’t return. So, even though his lovers loved Gyeoul a lot, they didn’t beg. No, they couldn’t.
Because such a neat break was drawn before their eyes. Because the other person couldn’t possibly not know that fact.
Gyeoul always loved with all his heart.
“Ah…”
In an instant, my stomach clenched tightly. It was as if it had been wrung out dry, without a drop of moisture. A terrible pain washed over me, as if someone was scratching the weakest, softest part of my inner wall with their fingernails. Cold sweat streamed down my spine. Sweat popped out on my forehead, blurring my vision.
Huff, huff. My breathing became rough due to the unbearable pain. It was hyperventilation. Something Gyeoul had experienced once. Something I could only watch.
No matter how deeply I tried to inhale, the air wouldn’t enter my body. The more I tried to breathe in, the more air escaped. My heart, deprived of oxygen, pounded like crazy. My vision was dizzy, and I couldn’t think rationally.
If I had known it would be this painful, I would have suffered in your place back then. I didn’t know it was this hard for you.
I scratched the cold bathroom floor with my fingernails. It was painful. I didn’t know if it was because I couldn’t breathe, or… for some other reason.
I just, wanted to die.
∗ ∗ ∗
When I slowly opened my eyes, I saw the white light of the bathroom. The coldness of the tiles permeated my back and waist. I was cold and lonely. I didn’t want to move. I lay still, trying to remember why I was doing this here. My stiff head wasn’t working well.
Ah… I must have fainted after writhing in pain. I tried to lift myself up, placing my hand on the floor, and at that moment, pain spread throughout my body. Goosebumps rose. I shivered, especially at the unfamiliar stinging sensation in my hand.
I slowly turned my gaze. My fingernails, stained bright red, were raised. It seemed that it had happened while writhing on the floor.
Even looking at the wound, I felt nothing.
I got up, limping. I washed my hands numbly. The hardened blood slowly washed away with the water. As I stood still, I felt a throbbing pain in my knees. It seemed I was a bit injured here and there. Every time the pain washed over me, I felt alive. Uselessly.
I couldn’t quite gauge the time, so I turned my head and looked out of the bathroom. Darkness was still thickly spread, and faint light was streaming in from the window. It was dawn. I somehow knew it without checking the time.
I should wash up cleanly. A wreck with dark circles under his eyes and even his hair a mess stood in front of the mirror. There was nothing cute about him. Would it be better if I washed up? I had to go to work today, I had to somehow survive, and… and…
I might run into Gyeoul by chance. That chance that came to me like a miracle one day.
My body froze. Why is this happening? Even though I was aware of the pain, it didn’t hurt that much. It was almost refreshing. Thanks to that, maybe I could barely survive. Even without Gyeoul. It would be a good thing if it wasn’t painful. My stomach churned.
‘Maybe Gyeoul… wasn’t that hurt.’
I splashed water on my face. I hoped Gyeoul would be like that. I hoped he wouldn’t have a hard time because of someone like me.
Suddenly, I realized that I hadn’t properly seen his eyes, his expression. Gyeoul’s last expression… what was it like? What was it? No matter how hard I tried to remember, I couldn’t. I was just too busy trying to grab you.
My eyes stung. It seemed to be because the cold water touched my eyes, which were sensitive with blood vessels standing out.
I blinked several times. It seemed like water had gotten into my eyes. Was it because my body temperature was hot? Or was it because I washed my face with cold water? The water flowing down my cheeks felt so hot that it felt like I had been burned wherever it passed. So, even though that couldn’t be the case. Even though I couldn’t feel the pain well, I could feel the path of the water flowing down my cheeks.
And, my heart throbbed again.
The world turned upside down in an instant, and I just had to live a lifetime without Gyeoul. Even though I knew that the disqualification was only on my side, I didn’t want to find out what it was. Why you left me. No, whether I could really hold on to you again.
After realizing all that, would I have the courage to cling to you?
I stopped thinking.
It was dangerous to think any further. I had to endure it before any stupid impulse washed over me. I had to endure it until I could bear either way. The ending was obvious. I wanted to die, or I just died.
I took off my clothes and looked down at my body, covered in bruises and wounds, and turned on the shower. In case Gyeoul might come back, I didn’t close the door.
But until I washed my whole body cleanly, finished preparing for work, and left the house, Gyeoul did not return.
∗ ∗ ∗
A monotonous week passed.
Woo Young-geol, who was afraid of being known as gay, was quiet all week, unlike the weekend when he contacted me non-stop. He didn’t even send a chat.
I kept working like a person who would die soon if I didn’t work. I didn’t talk to anyone, and I didn’t even mind working overtime. I didn’t want to go home. But I didn’t want to live hard either. I just wanted to die.
I couldn’t sleep, so I was dazed, and because I was dazed, my work efficiency dropped sharply. I made frequent mistakes and was constantly scolded by the Team leader. After a big mistake almost caused a contract to fall through, I was kicked out and left work on time. The Head of department’s curse, which thoroughly crushed my personality, was a bonus.
I was so used to it that I didn’t feel anything. I think I was angry and tried to change it when I was first bullied by the Head of department.
Woo Young-geol grabbed my wrist as I was leaving work, as if he had been waiting.
“Let’s talk, Head of section.”
“Are you sure it’s okay, Assistant Manager Woo? There are a lot of eyes watching.”
I replied without any soul. There was no change in the pitch of my voice. I was just asking quietly, as if stating a fact.
He acted like he was something to me. He was so scared by my threat that he was just looking around. He was someone who didn’t even have the courage to do that. He didn’t have the courage to love, or the courage to face it. And… that was the same for me.
Of course, there were times when I felt sorry for him. Because it wasn’t my story. I had Gyeoul. But sometimes I thought of Gyeoul when I saw him. Gyeoul was calm, but Young-geol was completely broken. Even though both of them had gone through similar things.
Young-geol clung to me like he was having a seizure one day, and he acted quietly like a friendly younger brother another day. He was completely different from Gyeoul, but when I saw him, I couldn’t help but take care of him because he reminded me of Gyeoul back then.