By Zephyria Well… Kwon Yi-tae’s sex drive was something else, too. Not recently, of course. Or was it just with me? There’s no way he could just leave that kind of sex drive unfulfilled. Ugh, I think I’m getting indigestion from what I ate earlier. My stomach’s churning.
I couldn’t hear the voices clearly anymore, so I took the earpiece out. I wanted to hear more. I was curious about what they were saying. I felt the same way I did when I found evidence of an affair and saw my wife collapse. No, it was worse than that.
The MP3 player I was clutching in my hand was damp with sweat. I had a feeling I shouldn’t go out there empty-handed like this. I shoved the MP3 player into the bag I’d mostly packed and picked it up.
I had to see his expression for myself.
The scene I witnessed was incredible. Hah. It was electrifying, even thinking about it now. The look of surprise on his face when he saw me… The elevator doors opened. I adjusted my bag and got in. It felt like I’d just watched an amazing drama.
But the drama was over. Even if I was curious, I couldn’t watch anymore. Or maybe, if they tell me they’re living together, I’ll get to hear some of the aftermath? I looked up at the numbers descending quickly, unlike before.
It was time to go back to everyday life.
Alone.
∗ ∗ ∗
What… was I thinking about?
My head was foggy, like it was filled with mist. I couldn’t think of anything, and I didn’t want to move. When I came to my senses, I was gathering up the clothes Gyeoul had left behind and hugging them.
A faint scent of Gyeoul brushed my nose. But it was slowly… disappearing. I didn’t know how much time had passed since Gyeoul left the house. Was time even passing?
I didn’t know why. Gyeoul just didn’t come back.
Where did he go? Why isn’t he coming back? I waited for a long time, but he didn’t return. My phone kept vibrating. Ding, ding. It wasn’t Gyeoul’s name, so I didn’t answer. How could he stay out for two days without a word? Or did he tell me? For some reason, I didn’t want to call Gyeoul. It was an instinctive feeling.
“I’m just… just sleepy, right?”
I muttered to myself. It felt like this huge house was collapsing on top of me. Like I was going to be crushed to death. Suddenly, I thought it might be okay. To just die like this.
It was hard to breathe. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’d slept since Friday. So how many days had I been awake? It’s only been two days, whatever.
At first, I was okay. I drank water and sat quietly on the sofa, staring at the front door. Like someone was definitely coming back. The phone I’d thrown on the floor didn’t break and kept buzzing. I felt strange. I didn’t know what to do.
I sat there for a long time, and suddenly my heart started pounding. Gyeoul felt like a Mirage. Very distant. It felt like something that had been weakly connected was cut off completely. I couldn’t bear that feeling.
I wrapped myself in Gyeoul’s clothes like a nest and sat by the front door, waiting for him to return. It felt like Gyeoul was right next to me when I did that.
Not even remembering why he left in the first place.
It seemed like someone came to our house for a while. They knocked on the door and shouted for me to open it, and then they left after a while. I thought I heard faint crying, too. But I didn’t know who it was, so I didn’t open the door. If it wasn’t Gyeoul, there was no reason to open it. You shouldn’t let strangers into the house. Into this house that still had Gyeoul’s scent.
Tomorrow is Monday… and I have to go back to work.
My fully awakened brain didn’t demand sleep anymore. Is this what insomnia is? But why haven’t I been sleeping? I just have to lie down in bed and close my eyes. Ah, because I’m waiting for Gyeoul.
‘But why isn’t Gyeoul coming home?’
My reason averted its eyes from the truth. Even if I pretended not to know, it kept surfacing. Whenever it did, I would squeeze my throat with both hands until my consciousness faded, then let go. I coughed for a long time and turned away from the truth again.
From the obvious reality that we had broken up.
Assistant Manager Woo
I stared at the three letters that filled the phone screen. I had hundreds of missed calls. While I was awake and not sleeping, Young-geol kept calling endlessly. When the call ended, a text message would come, then another call, another text message… Watching it made my anger surge.
Assistant Manager Woo
[Hyung please answer the phone I’m starting to worry]
[I really feel like I’m going to die I keep seeing hallucinations of my mom Hyung help me]
[Is it a sin that I like men?]
[Head of section you liked me too right That’s why you contacted me and met me every day right?]
[You were the one who was nice to me first]
It was all because of that bastard.
It was my bad luck that I was his mentor. It was my bad luck that he approached me like a friendly younger brother. It was my bad luck that I felt like everything was boring back then. It was my bad luck. My bad luck… that the incident triggered my trauma. So…
Assistant Manager Woo
[If you didn’t like it you shouldn’t have accepted me that day]
[Head of section you’re the same as me in the end you’re the one who accepted me]
[Just let me die]
He was right. Whatever the reason, I was the one who accepted him. At first, because he seemed like me. Later, because I felt sorry for him. Out of pity. Because I thought I knew how unhappy he would be, and in the end, it felt like it was my fault…
No matter what reason I came up with, it was just an excuse. Even though I knew it, I couldn’t stop blaming myself. I should have just ignored it. I should have drawn a firm line with Young-geol when he approached me like a younger brother, not listened to his tragic secrets, not pitied him, solved my fundamental burdens, not felt responsible for things that weren’t my fault, and Gyeoul, to Gyeoul…
‘Why isn’t Gyeoul coming home?’
My thoughts kept jumping around chaotically.
“Ah… I have to sleep to go to work tomorrow.”
I moved my dry eyes and looked around. Gyeoul still wasn’t home. Was this house always this big? Denying it, averting my eyes, didn’t change the fact.
I picked up the phone that had completely turned off after the last text message. I had to charge it. If Gyeoul contacted me, I had to answer. Gyeoul was lenient, so he might forgive me at least once.
And make the breakup completely disappear…
Suddenly, a sense of fear washed over me. My heart started beating fast again. It was hard to breathe, and my whole body was shaking. It’s cold. It was cold. I thought I might die soon. I felt nauseous. I couldn’t control my body, like it wasn’t real.
The symptoms continued for several tens of minutes. The cause was clear. It happened every time I remembered that I had broken up with Gyeoul. It was so scary that I would rather die.
“If I explain everything… then he’ll accept me…”
I tried to think positively and staggered into the bathroom. I had to sleep at least a little. That way, I could go to work, earn money, and live happily with Gyeoul… I rushed to the toilet and grabbed the bowl as a wave of nausea washed over me. I hadn’t eaten anything, so only stomach acid came up.
I don’t know.
Why did I hate Gyeoul so much back then?
I didn’t hesitate to say hurtful things… like someone possessed by an Evil spirit. Even the way he ate felt like a flaw. I hated seeing it. Every time I saw him, I was reminded of the things Gyeoul had given up. After Woo Young-geol told me about his worries, and after that incident happened, everything in my life felt like a burden.
The subtle guilt I felt towards Gyeoul, and the responsibility of having to take care of him for the rest of my life, weighed on my shoulders. Life was boring and overwhelming. The company kept demanding results, and Gyeoul, Gyeoul was…
Always kind. Unchanging. Was I… sorry about that? Was I going astray while Gyeoul was still shining, making me feel pathetic?
‘Did Gyeoul have somewhere to go…?’
The question that struck my head stabbed deep into my lungs. Where could he possibly go, since he had completely cut ties with his parents? Could he be at that bastard’s house…?
There was a friend Gyeoul contacted often. I had seen them together several times, and each time, they took good care of Gyeoul. I didn’t get close to them because our personalities didn’t match, but I knew they existed. Gyeoul always called them Jju-kku, so I couldn’t remember their name. Something Hyun…?
My hands were trembling.
Strange delusions kept unfolding in my head. Was my brain completely insane? I had never had sex with anyone other than Gyeoul. No, except for once, I hadn’t even had my lips touch anyone else’s skin. But… it wasn’t the same for Gyeoul.
He could have sex with anyone. It wasn’t Gyeoul’s first time with me.
My heart was pounding rapidly.