By Zephyria I rubbed my foot on the sand as if erasing words, shaking off the unaskable questions. Instead, I brought up a lighter question, steering the conversation in a different direction. There were many things I was curious about regarding Gyeoul, but not many I could ask.
“So, why are you still home?”
“Yi-tae. Why are you asking the obvious? Of course, I’m still home because I took a day off, right?”
But why.
Why did you take a day off?
I didn’t have the right to voice the trailing question.
〈I’m not curious. Don’t be curious about me either.〉
I chose silence over a barrage of questions, overwhelmed by my past mistakes. If I were to press you, you would surely despise me and leave. Without looking back. Once Gyeoul hardened his heart, he wouldn’t melt it again to reshape it. If his hardened heart wasn’t satisfactory, he was the type to throw it down and break it on the spot.
What else could it be if my desperate curiosity about you wasn’t a double standard? My inner thoughts were so noisy that I felt like covering my ears with both hands.
Only now did I vaguely realize what qualifications I had stripped myself of. It wasn’t something I could obtain carelessly. It was more precious than anything else.
I wanted to smash my pathetic head with a candlestick. Hoping that I would lose my memory and you would give it back to me. No, wait… Should I smash your head instead? I forced my thoughts, stuck at a crossroads, in the right direction.
So. I had completely forfeited the right to ask about your personal life and receive a reasonable answer. No, I threw it away myself. Now I had no rights over you.
“Aren’t you leaving? If you dawdle here any longer, you’ll be late. I won’t take responsibility. It’s not my fault. I understand you’re jealous that I don’t have to go to work, but. If you’re really jealous, take a half-day off too.”
“…I have to go. Uh…”
At Gyeoul’s words, I only moved my eyes to barely check the time again. As Gyeoul said, I was so pressed for time that I had to run out immediately without even eating breakfast. He seemed to have no intention of talking to me any further and was about to leave the room, leaving me alone. His well-shaped back caught my eye.
‘How long has it been since I had sex with Gyeoul?’
I pressed down hard on my stiffening lower half, fully erect. Everything had gone wrong since this morning, no, since last night. Where did it all go wrong? I ruffled my floating hair. My phone rang with notifications, but I didn’t check them.
Before Gyeoul left completely, I hurriedly called out to his back.
“Hey! …If I take a half-day off, can I hang out with you?”
“Huh?”
Gyeoul stopped his body, which was leaning towards the kitchen, and turned to face me. His expression was clear. He wrinkled his nose as if seeing a ghost. He seemed to be uncomfortable somewhere. I hid the feeling that I knew where it was. So that even I couldn’t look into it.
I had a feeling that I shouldn’t know where that feeling was headed.
“…You’ll be home, right?”
“Ah… Sorry. I have plans today. I think I’ll be back very late, …maybe?”
Gyeoul, who had been tapping his wrinkled brow with his index finger, nodded once after finishing his sentence. As if to express that his prediction was certain.
For some reason, it felt like my heart was beating in my stomach. I foolishly raised my hand and rubbed my chest. It couldn’t be that my heart had fallen vertically and completely fallen out, right? It had definitely plummeted just now with a thud. Was it not my heart? Then where was it.
“Uh…”
When. Where. With whom.
I couldn’t utter any of those words. It was just a single phrase. As I only moved my lips, Gyeoul’s troubled gaze turned towards the wall. A clumsy delusion began to spread its wings. Was it that he didn’t want to make eye contact with me? The corners of my mouth stiffened.
“Tick… tock, tick tock. Wow, Yi-tae. Time flies by. It’s going so fast that I can’t even see it.”
“Ah…”
“I’ll make you coffee. Take it with you.”
Gyeoul walked away.
For some reason, I felt like I was repeatedly showing Gyeoul only the foolish things I hadn’t even done when I was 20. The boiler, which had been warming the floor warmly until I went to sleep, was now lowered to a suitable temperature for me.
This was… overwhelming.
Each of Gyeoul’s actions for me fluttered like spring. I didn’t know what to do and just hung my head. I heard the sound of coffee being ground in the grinder. I lifted the blanket, carefully covered my stiff and uncomfortable center, and headed to the bathroom.
After washing for a long time, the house was filled with the smell of coffee. Gyeoul was standing in front of the door, wearing a padded jacket and a scarf. Seeing that he was wearing training pants with stretched-out knees, it seemed like he was going out for a workout.
He was staring at me, as if he had been waiting for me to come out.
“I’m going for a morning workout. If I leave without saying anything, you might rummage through the bottom of the dresser. The coffee is on the table, so take it with you.”
“Why are you leaving so early? Let’s go out together.”
“Why bother?”
My hastily uttered words were swept away weakly without any power. There was no hesitation in that decision. That made me feel left out again. ‘Why bother.’ Were we the kind of people who would quibble over such things?
We’re lovers…
My heart stung. It felt like the area of pain was my conscience hidden beneath my heart. I took a deep breath. Gyeoul had taught me that.
〈Yi-tae. You think too much. You could make soup with your thoughts.〉
Gyeoul from a past scene bumped his forehead against mine, saying. He laughed again, saying that my buzz-cut hair at the time was scratchy. Gyeoul’s smiling face tickled me, so I laughed along.
〈Okay, look. You breathe in like this until your lungs are full.〉
He took my hands and placed them below his sternum. I could feel his lungs swelling as he inhaled. My fingertips trembled, making me dizzy. That position was a bit… I couldn’t say it out loud for fear of being called a pervert. I couldn’t concentrate at all.
〈And slowly.〉
He continued to explain in a voice with a full vocal cord and a blocked throat. Hooo. A breath with a cool mint scent brushed my face. My ears grew hot. I wanted to rub my lips against those lips. Was he telling me to control my mind while watching his seduction? If so, it was really effective. All the random thoughts that had been floating around disappeared.
〈Can I kiss you.〉
I notified you in a strange tone that was neither a question nor a statement. Gyeoul closed his eyes instead of answering. I gently lowered my lips to those lips. Hot and soft…
Recalling that memory only made my head more cluttered. The center that I had killed in the bathroom gained strength again. Was it frustration? You crazy bastard. I was lucky to be wearing underwear. Because Gyeoul was standing right in front of me, looking at me.
“…Can’t you go out with me?”
“You’re acting really weird since this morning. Oh, I baked some Bungeoppang in the air fryer, so take it with you. It tasted good when I ate it earlier. You only bought red bean paste, what about yours?”
“…They were out of custard cream.”
“Really? Well, even if we go out together, what, you’ll see me for a few more seconds. You’re definitely going to be late now. I’m leaving.”
Gyeoul was certain about things like this. Once he made a decision, he wouldn’t change it. At times like this, I couldn’t turn Gyeoul’s heart around either. No matter what I did.
Gyeoul went outside without hearing my answer.
With my dick more than half erect, I hung my head pathetically. I couldn’t even reach out my hand. Because I was sure I would be rejected. Gyeoul’s lingering scent wafted around my nose. I didn’t need to look at the clock to know. I had already been confirmed late because I had spent too much time in the bathroom.
I didn’t want to do anything. I felt like a piece of scrap metal that had stopped running, like a locomotive that had lost its power.
I sighed deeply and headed to the bathroom with awkward steps. Because I couldn’t go anywhere in my current state.
∗ ∗ ∗
Everything went smoothly.
I went to the real estate agency early in the morning and met the landlord. The gentle-looking lady stamped the contract without complaint. After carefully checking that there were no errors in the contract, the three crisp copies went to each of us.
After completing all the remittances at the bank, I took the contract and went straight to the administrative welfare center. By the time I had completed the lease agreement, confirmation date, and change of address, it was almost lunchtime.
I wanted to move in as soon as possible if possible. Just this morning, I thought I was going to die from the awkwardness with Yi-tae. It was strange from the moment I overslept, but Yi-tae was just spouting nonsense, wondering what kind of change of heart he had. He was spacing out, and he was begging me to go out with him.
What surprised me the most was when he suddenly asked if I could play with him if he came home early. Would you play with an ex-lover you’ve decided to break up with? We’ve already seen everything! Yi-tae must have sensed that I was trying to end things, but I couldn’t figure out why he was suddenly pretending to cling to me.
So, I had to escape from that house before Yi-tae became any stranger. It’s not like I watch a lot of dramas… I really don’t! In dramas, crimes like kidnapping and confinement happen after something like this.
The inflexible Yi-tae, no. Can you call someone who is suspected of cheating inflexible? As expected, you can know ten fathoms of water, but you can’t know an inch of a person’s heart. Yi-tae might go crazy and lock me up. Oh, then…
My nose itched, so I roughly rubbed it. Achoo. A small cough escaped. Even I thought it was nonsense. That ‘Yi-tae’ would never do that.
The officetel had almost all the furniture as a full option, so I looked around roughly while eating lunch and ordered the necessary daily necessities. I had planned to go out and find them myself, but Assistant Manager Kim Min-ji, an MZ employee sitting next to me, recommended a new app after hearing about my move yesterday. ‘Head of section Choi, you remind me so much of my dad that I feel more attached to you.’ It was so annoying to see her pretending to respect me while attacking the elderly. Of course, it was a joke that we could make because we had known each other for a long time.