By Zephyria This is really strange. Considering his recent behavior, he’s not usually one to ask something like this. I was already in front of the house, so it was awkward to reply. We’d be seeing each other soon anyway. Besides, he didn’t contact me again after that.
Just one text. If it were urgent, he would have kept contacting me. Sending texts in a row, or calling. Since there was none of that, it probably wasn’t a big deal.
The thirsty one digs the well first, after all.
Thinking calmly, I pressed the password. 0120. My heart ached as I entered the password, which was set to the date we first started dating. It really wasn’t long now. I had to wrap everything up before the 20th.
I didn’t want to record the moment of meeting and parting on the same day. Our relationship definitely had seasons that were brilliant and beautiful. I didn’t want to throw everything into the dirty mud. It was enough to salvage the good and weed out the bad. The older I got, the less I clung to things that couldn’t be done.
Like people’s feelings.
I opened the door and went inside, and it was heated so warmly that my body relaxed. What’s up with Yi-tae? After his heart cooled, he didn’t even turn on the boiler properly. Is something really going on? What’s so special about a breakup? You just break up and it’s over. There’s no need to be this nice. Taking off my shoes, I unconsciously looked around the house. My gaze stopped the moment I reached the living room.
Again.
Why are you looking at me with those eyes?
Yi-tae was looking at me sadly, as if he had been wronged. Why? Are you upset that your plan is falling apart? Has Yi-tae’s obsession gotten worse without me knowing? Of course, Yi-tae didn’t have any obsessions. I just made it up.
I stepped over the threshold and entered the house.
“Hi.”
“You’re late.”
“Did we have a curfew? It’s been a while since I left the dorm.”
Something was definitely wrong.
There’s no way Yi-tae wouldn’t notice. I was too caught up in my own thoughts. How could we not know that each other had changed after all these years together?
Yi-tae seemed to have finally realized that the ending we were facing was the same. So, I too was folding my heart and flying it into the sky, following Yi-tae. The sky was full of heart planes that Yi-tae and I had flown. You must be seeing that too, right?
But isn’t that a good thing for you?
Saying goodbye meant having to see the ruined face of the remaining person. The person whose cup of heart was still full and the person whose cup was completely empty could not be the same. But I was a little different. I could fully match the other person’s pace. If Yi-tae emptied his cup completely, I was someone who could empty mine as well. If you ask if emotions can be sorted out that easily, well.
I don’t know either. I haven’t experienced it.
However, I wasn’t so fragile that I would be kicked out into the street holding a broken frame. Unless it was someone who could boldly throw it away if it was broken. There was no reason to hold onto it and get my heart pricked by the broken glass shards. Love is just a momentary illusion.
No matter how good something is, if it breaks, it has served its purpose. I didn’t want to waste time and effort trying to fix it. Especially if it was something that couldn’t be undone. Even if you gathered the broken pieces and put them back together, it wouldn’t return to its original shape.
“Did you meet someone?”
“A new person.”
“……Is that all?”
“Yeah. I can’t really think of anything else.”
The warmth was nice, but the house was a bit dry. I should have bought a bigger humidifier for this reason. Or buy one more. I should buy a good humidifier for the new house I’m moving into. I felt subtly good thinking about the future where I could decorate the house to my liking.
Yi-tae closed his mouth as if he didn’t like my answer. He wouldn’t have waited for me just to have this kind of conversation. Right. The more mature me should accommodate him. I plopped down next to Yi-tae.
“Okay. I’m ready to listen.”
“……To what?”
“You waited because you had something to say, right? You weren’t worried that I wasn’t coming home, were you? You said you don’t like that kind of thing anymore.”
“…….”
Again. He hesitates to answer. What is he trying to do? Yi-tae had a habit of closing his mouth whenever he was about to say something important. I was so frustrated that I even made him do things like saying ‘I love you’ a hundred times like me. Even though breaking up is heavy, it wasn’t something you couldn’t say. Even in a world where people get divorced even after registering their marriage.
Is it because he doesn’t want to be a bad person?
Yi-tae’s eyes were shaking violently. Yi-tae still wasn’t good at lying. Even though he was this old. I could even hear him swallowing hard. He wasn’t nervous……, he was a little angry. Huh? Why is he suddenly like this? With what right?
“Why are you suddenly getting angry?”
“……I was worried. You didn’t contact me.”
“You’ve been doing that all along.”
I didn’t want to be pathetic. I liked things to be clean. I didn’t want to pass on responsibility or act childishly in the same way. But I couldn’t help the resentment that suddenly surged up. Yi-tae definitely did it first. He said he found this kind of thing burdensome and didn’t like it.
Every single situation at that time, even Yi-tae’s breathing, was clear. Because it gave me a huge shock.
∗ ∗ ∗
That day was very hot.
The sweltering heat made it hard to breathe, and I couldn’t help but be sensitive even if I was just standing still. The heat wave made my irritation soar to the top of my head, and no matter how much I turned on the air conditioner, the fundamental heat permeated my skin. I was already weak to the heat, but the humidity was so high that I could die right away and have nothing to say.
〈Yi-tae. Hyung is bored.〉
I whined into the air. I was lying on the sofa, dangling my legs, listening to the buzzing of the air conditioner cutting through the silence. The only noise in the quiet house gnawed at my nerves and tormented me.
The sun hadn’t set yet, but it was already close to dinner time. Yi-tae, who had left early in the morning, still hadn’t returned home. Yi-tae wasn’t usually out for this long. Suddenly, I started to worry about him for no reason.
Did something happen?
I know you don’t like walking around outside on hot days. If I wasn’t so hot, I would have made plans. We could go climbing, go to the beach, or have a drink on a weekend afternoon.
I picked up my phone and pressed the chat app with the red light on. But when I saw the pile of messages, I got annoyed again, so I turned off my phone and threw it down. I didn’t want to meet friends. I especially didn’t want to invite them to my house. Yi-tae wasn’t coming home, so I was bored.
Hmm. Yi-tae should come home soon.
I didn’t mean to rush him, but I left a message. He would at least reply if he saw this. If he was planning to eat dinner and come home, it was common courtesy to tell me in advance. Especially since he knew I was home.
[Tae-tae what r u doing where r u come home quick and let’s eat] 18:23
Even if we were in a period of ennui, Yi-tae had a duty to play with me as long as he was still dating me. How could he leave an adorable boyfriend like me alone and go out to play by himself?
Then. I heard the sound of the password being entered, beep beep. The sound at regular intervals indicated only one person. It’s Yi-tae. It was our Yi-tae, who I could tell who it was just by the sound of his footsteps. I was happy for no reason, and the corners of my mouth turned up slightly.
I secretly picked up my phone and checked, and Yi-tae had read the chat. So, he came back after seeing my message. I was turning on the happy circuit even though I knew it had only been 3 minutes since I sent it.
I was staring at the doorknob, and the door opened and Yi-tae appeared. Being like this made me feel like a dog waiting patiently for its owner to return.
〈You’re here?〉
I asked as soon as Yi-tae entered the shoe rack. I thought it would be perfect if we had dinner and played together now. It was perfect timing. Yi-tae was staring intently at his phone, not me. His facial muscles were subtly twisted, as if he was very dissatisfied with something. Yes, like someone who was full of complaints about the person on the other side of the screen.
〈What is this, Choi Gyeoul.〉
Oh, but that person was me.
〈What is it? I need you to tell me.〉
〈Are you trying to control me?〉
It was a word I had never heard before. No one in the world had ever said that to me. Not even my past lovers. My mouth dropped open in bewilderment. What part of me gave him the impression that I was controlling him? I just sent him one text during a long day. Besides, wasn’t the content just a common message that friends could exchange? I pulled down the clothes on my exposed stomach to cover it.
It was from this moment on. I felt like I had been hit with a hammer and started to sort out my feelings.
Even if it was an uncut gemstone that didn’t shine, I was a very valuable being that I couldn’t trade with anyone. Even if I was completely ignored and abandoned by my parents, and I was scarred from making my way through this rough world alone. So, even if I was tough but not beautiful, there was no reason for me to be treated like this anywhere.
At that moment.
Yi-tae’s phone vibrated. Yi-tae stopped the tense standoff with me and hurriedly checked the notification. As if that was the most important thing in the world.
The corners of his mouth turned up slightly.
He pressed his lips together and fiddled with his phone, as if he was replying. Yi-tae was still smiling. He couldn’t hide it even if he tried. I blinked and stared at Yi-tae. With inorganic eyes that had lost their smile. The scent of a stranger that leaked through the air gaps in the completely closed space.
That perfume that I had been smelling on Yi-tae’s clothes a lot lately.
Thud. I felt a heavy object land on my heart. My heart plummeted to the floor. I knew this feeling well. I had never expected anything, but the sadness when I was disappointed. The injustice.
〈Don’t talk like that.〉
〈……I’m serious. Don’t ask me what I’m doing, who I’m with, where I am, or when I’m coming home. It feels like you’re trying to control me and I feel like I’m being interfered with. It’s really not good.〉