By Zephyria 
If I had known the child would learn of my past life, I would never have laid a hand on Ruben.
I myself thought I had become a new person since I was reborn. Years flowed by, and I believed that after Ruben and I had aged together, I would be able to stand by the child’s side. That was when I indulged in excessive greed. No matter how many times I thought about it, it was my fault. I couldn’t fathom how terrible Ruben must be feeling right now.
The grip on my wrist loosened, and I felt a pang of pity for the child’s hand.
Ruben led me to his room. I had no idea what we would talk about. It was even more so after reading the troubled expression on the child’s face. Even if I could deceive everyone else in the world, I shouldn’t hide anything more from this child.
As soon as the door closed behind us, before Ruben could even offer me a seat, I spoke bitter words.
“Actually.”
…I squeezed my eyes shut. My head bowed involuntarily. The cold touch still emanating from my wrist felt like it represented Ruben’s shocked heart. My voice had also grown cold. I had expected the voice I forced out to be hot, boiling from within, but it wasn’t. It felt as if my Middle Dantian had frozen, chilling me.
“…There’s more.”
“…What?”
Ruben let out a surprised sound from where he stood.
I felt disgusted with myself. I was afraid of how it would sound, saying this now, after having held, carried, and played with such a lovely child. But didn’t Ruben deserve to know the truth? If no one else, then at least Ruben shouldn’t be lied to.
“I’m sorry. All this time I…”
“No, more than that. What, what is there more of?”
“…My age is a bit more than I told you.”
I desperately wished for a way to endure the terrible silence.
I could feel Ruben’s shock even without opening my eyes. After a long moment of stunned silence, the child pulled my wrist again. As the child tried to say something but their voice caught, letting out a dry cough, my shoulder flinched. I wanted to turn and run, but the lingering desire to be by Ruben’s side, even just a little longer, made me behave myself.
“First, …sit, down.”
“…You’re using honorifics.”
“Huh?”
“You don’t have to use honorifics…”
“Ah. Ah, right. Yes. Let’s sit down for now, Mika.”
I sat down obediently on the offered seat.
As the child peered intently at my face and gave a small cough, I quickly extended my energy to pull the teapot and teacups closer. It was now incredibly easy to pull objects at this distance by using Sword energy.
My mind was in chaos, but my body prepared the tea using the proper methods learned in this land.
As I pushed a teacup towards Ruben, the child looked down at the tea water with a troubled expression and asked,
“…How much?”
“…”
“How much more was there? Than what you said…”
I opened my mouth and then closed it again. Ruben asked once more.
“…About five years?”
“…”
“Ten years?”
“…”
“T-twenty years?”
“That…!”
It wasn’t… The rest of my words trailed off, blurred.
My mind felt muddled, and I didn’t know what to say. I wished I could just lose consciousness at that moment. I covered my face with both hands and hunched over. I didn’t want to show my face, nor did I have the nerve to look at the child’s face.
Ruben silently picked up the teacup. I sensed the elegant movement of him moistening his lips and setting the cup down, not with my eyes but with my senses. All my nerves were on edge, focused on Ruben, engraving his every gesture and movement clearly in my mind.
Ruben hesitated, then asked again.
“Perhaps, were you married.”
“No! …No, I wasn’t.”
“…Did you have someone you were dating?”
“No.”
“…Kissing too?”
“…”
“Huh?”
“…No, I didn’t.”
If I had had a true love, would I have dared to do such a thing to you?
But I knew that whatever I said now would sound like an excuse, so I closed my mouth and waited.
After contemplating for a moment longer, the child moved to sit beside me. I desperately suppressed the feeling that my insides were about to spill out of my mouth from nervousness. Ruben’s fingertips brushed away the wig I wore, then rested on my shoulder.
Whoosh. The child’s breath reached my ears and my neck.
I was frozen like a rock, unable to move. I couldn’t swallow or exhale. Only the sound of my heart beating was loud. Ruben placed his hand over mine, then patted it as if soothing a child.
“Mika.”
“…”
“Look up.”
How could I refuse?
I raised my head obediently. A smile was woven into the child’s voice, giving me courage.
No, it wasn’t that. Even if that weren’t the case, I couldn’t have disobeyed Ruben’s words. Overcoming my embarrassment, I met his eyes. I was startled when Ruben leaned closer, my eyes widening.
Thump.
Our foreheads touched. Then they separated.
Ruben asked in a calm voice, as if murmuring,
“…Am I still too young… to date you?”
“…”
I couldn’t answer. I was unable to answer.
Ruben was too close; I felt like something terrible would happen if I opened my mouth.
“So… you decided to wait?”
“…”
“…I see. Then that’s fine.”
…
I blinked a couple of times, not understanding. Did I say something? The child’s smiling eyes were close. They were as lovely and deep as I had often seen them, and a gentle light shone within them, surprising me so much that I asked without thinking,
“…What, why…”
“I’ll try harder.”
“…Excuse me?”
It felt like there had been another time when I heard these words.
The child, who had gifted me with a clear smile and warm body heat, took my fingertip and placed it on his cheek. I watched, mesmerized, as if in a trance. Ruben then tilted his head slightly and kissed the inside of my palm.
Was it because I had held my breath for too long? My mind felt hazy and dull.
“Don’t worry, Mika.”
“…Ruben, that…”
“Thank you for telling me. That’s why I brought you here.”
“…”
What effort was he talking about? What worry was he telling me to stop?
I felt like I knew the answer, but it was so unbelievable that I wanted to ask again. However, I feared this kindness might be a dream, so I said nothing. I was afraid that if I woke up wrongly, I might never see it again, so I remained as I was.
Ruben pushed against my chest, and I gasped, drawing a shallow breath.
To my surprise, Ruben had a bright smile on his face.
“Go to sleep now. You’ll be tired tomorrow too.”
I was pushed away as he intended, but I didn’t want to get up. I just sat there as if nailed down, and Ruben pretended to take off his outer garment, startling me into fleeing out the door. It was a good decision to decide to sleep separately from the child recently. But.
Sleep was impossible. I sat on my bed in my room and stayed up all night.
❖ ❖ ❖
The next morning.
For some reason, I felt awkward and tense seeing the children’s faces, so I came out with great apprehension.
However, all the children, including Ruben, acted as if nothing had happened. Marianne chattered as usual, Hugh Benson grumbled as always, and Benjamin and Elvin were quiet as they always were. Ruben sat demurely in the seat next to me, giving me a soft smile whenever our eyes met. Only Benjamin’s occasional subtle smile at me felt a little strange; otherwise, nothing had changed.
We quickly finished the breakfast prepared by the servants and placed a roughly drawn map on the empty table.
We were currently in Bardiol, the capital and center of Owen. From here, the Oasis was a little over a month’s journey to the west. If we had to go around the canyon in between, the journey would be even longer.
Just looking at the map made me sigh.
“I thought about it all night.”
Hugh Benson began, tapping the corner of the paper with a pen dipped heavily in ink.
“Let’s leave out talk of reincarnation or divine summons. No one will believe it if we talk about it, and they won’t believe it. We’d be lucky if they didn’t assume we were all on hallucinogens and come to arrest us.”
“Mmm… I agree. But then what excuse do we use? Owen is crawling with people who want to kidnap others, and the desert is crawling with monsters.”
“We could use the excuse of subduing desert monsters.”
Ruben was calm throughout. All eyes turned to his steady voice.
I seemed to be the only one sitting beside the child, swallowing nervously, careful even to take a sip of water. No, that wasn’t right. Was it right to expend so much energy on such futile thoughts? Whose fault was it that the children were now contemplating their journey? I took a deep breath and asked,
“Are you saying we’ll claim to be subduing monsters in the desert, now that the Dunmel Canyon and Yuil Mountains are impassable?”
“Yes. And as a bonus, how about saying we’re going on a pilgrimage?”
“A pilgrimage?”
“Visiting the Oasis, seeing the Statue of the Goddess, then Lake Bivan. It’s exactly a pilgrimage route.”
Ruben explained kindly to me, and Hugh Benson readily agreed.
“…Oh. That’s good. I mean, there’s no reason a devout Prince couldn’t come from Sierren. Once we return to the capital, we won’t have many opportunities to travel like this again.”
“Yes. Furthermore, if we follow that order… it will take at most a year, or two years at the longest. We’ll be able to return to the capital before the selection of the Crown Prince… and we can argue that the Shatun Desert, with its harsh environment, is also a place beneficial for Swordsmanship training.”
Marianne, after a moment of thought, pulled Elvin closer and asked,
“Do you know how far the third god’s territory extends? It doesn’t reach within Owen’s borders, does it?”
“Yes.”
“…”
“…Hmm?”
“Ah, explain it in a bit more detail!”
Elvin looked at the map for a moment, then drew a circle with his fingertip. The circle, not reaching Owen’s borders, was roughly the size of… Bardiol? It felt quite small for a divine realm.
“About… this much.”
“Just two days’ walk outside Owen’s borders, and you’re in that person’s domain?”
“Yes.”
“…”
“…”
Hugh Benson, who seemed to have understood well, pondered for a moment and then added a few more dots to the map with his ink-soaked pen.
“The Statue of the Goddess’s Head is around here, wasn’t it?”
“Yes. Ah, but usually pilgrimages return to Felix, is that okay?”
“Between Felix and Bivan, it’s easy to cross if you have money. Returning to the Empire is the problem…”
“I have someone I’m friendly with in Kiadris.”
“Someone you’re friendly with? Who?”
“The youngest Young Master there.”
“…Huh?”
Marianne pointed at me with her chin. She thought I was friends with Edwin Kiadris? Of course, he had acted quite docile in front of me. Still, was there any bond as persistent as blood kin? I hadn’t heard the details from Ruben, so I still felt hesitant. As I was about to object, Hugh Benson nodded as if he understood broadly and folded the map in half.
“Alright, then we’ll contact that person when the time comes. In case of emergency, if we take one Ranunculus, there’s only one place we can send word. Let’s choose between the capital and Withrow; I think Withrow is better.”
“I’ll follow Senior’s advice.”
“Yes, let’s hope the Duke can relay the news from the capital.”
As the conversation concluded, I called for Nadish Haisan.
Nadish was dressed more neatly than yesterday. Of course, even the clothes given to him in haste yesterday seemed too small. Now he looked like a proper person. His hair, which had been messy, was neatly tied up, resembling the Clerics I often saw in the capital.
He stood respectfully, looking more subdued than yesterday. As I watched him, Ruben took my hand as he had yesterday and placed it on his lap.